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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. To be furious at DH's ex Wife?

517 replies

SSDGM · 23/08/2017 13:03

DH split up with the mother of his kids years before he met me. In fact he had another 10 year long relationship in between us. Now their youngest DD is 19 and in employment the time has come to sell the house (or her to buy him out) as agreed. However she's changed her mind and is pleading poverty. She's ignored solicitors letters and mediation requests or left any correspondence to the last minute and has said she's about to be out of a job due to illness. DH has had enough and has instructed solicitors that Mediation will not work and to go straight to court. She now wants him to just sign it all over to her and walk away.
I'm fuming because I have 2 now adult DS's from my first marriage and after their father and I split I made a point to ramp up my career to look after us all where she has just ignored the passing of time and can't now cope without the maintenance and tax credits she got before her DS/ my DSD was of age. I have a little nest egg put away for a house deposit and earn a decent salary. She has now said she will come after MY money and she will be given the house they shared by the courts because she's poorer than I am.
DH is self employed and earns less than I do.

AIBU to want to get involved? How dare she sit on her arse working part time for years after the kids were old enough to take care of themselves and then piss and moan it's unfair that we have a nice life and should give her everything. I've always been nice to her to keep the peace, but I'm losing patience. Why can't she just bugger off?

OP posts:
Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 15:50

Endowment is in both names and back then that was the market rate in the Midlands for a 3 bed home. I bought mine for a similar amount and it wasn't a subsided local authority property.

OP posts:
Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 15:51

But why can't you move forward with your bellend? Ok, it's not the perfect situation you'd like it to be but that's life and this is far from the catastrophe you seem to think it is.

LakieLady · 23/08/2017 15:53

Until the DD started work they always lived apart. Not sure why.

Possibly because if her partner moved in while ExW was getting tax credits, she'd have lost the tax credits because of his income.

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 15:53

Because I need his earnings taken into account to get the house I want! 😂😂 other than that I can get an OK place similar to where we live now but I have my heart set on something that if this is sorted out, will be a home forever. Yep. Romantic twat.

OP posts:
LisaMed1 · 23/08/2017 15:54

Happytobefree17 They can't buy a house together unless the DH gets removed from the market and potentially he could be liable for any shortfall between the endowment and outstanding mortgage on a house he has no access to. His pension is also at risk.

It's hard to move on from that.

LisaMed1 · 23/08/2017 15:54

sorry x post

HiggeldyPiggeldy · 23/08/2017 15:55

I wouldnt have thought he was entitled to 50% he has not paid the mortgage for 15 years, and she has been bringing up children alone and it is considered to have affected their earning ability, most agreements are 70/30 or 75/25 in favour of the resident parent in the house.

In my case ex stayed in house with dc as I was the higher earner he ended up with 70% of the gross value and the endowment that he cashed in, he had to sell last year to repay the mortgage company. I could have asked for the house to be sold 5 years ago when the youngest left full time education but couldn't afford the cost of legal fees at the time so left it until the mortgage company contacted him, in my case there was a charge on the property and a financial agreement made just after the divorce to protect my interest in the house

Elendon · 23/08/2017 15:56

To be brutally honest with you, my advice is to buy the house for you and your husband in your own name. Given his past record re house buying, I wouldn't trust him. You have your own nest egg. Your house in your name (but be aware he can equally take a share of your house if it ever went bottoms up).

The problem is your husband, if I'm being brutal with you.

Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 15:57

Well, unfortunately compromises have to be made if you willingly marry a bellend who hasn't sorted out his finances!
Seriously though, by the time it's all sorted out house prices may have crashed due to brexit anyway...

innagazing · 23/08/2017 15:57

£4k over the 14 years they have been separated/divorced equates to an average of £285.71per year. PER YEAR!

Your husband needs to view this as having paid an extra £285 per year child maintenance that he didn't intend to pay at the time.

Stop pursuing her for this. Either Wait til the mortgage term is up and sell then if she isn't willing to cover the shortfall, or see a solicitor now about a final split arrangement.

SerfTerf · 23/08/2017 15:58

How much of a dent in a DIP can that tiny debt possibly make?

Elendon · 23/08/2017 15:59

In fact do not buy a house until this is sorted and get him to do the leg work.

You've just recently married. This should be a honeymoon season, not this shite to sort out.

Keep on that nest egg (or give it to your sons to take care of).

juneau · 23/08/2017 16:00

Take her to court. She shouldn't be entitled to a penny of your money and your earnings/savings should not be taken into account regarding the financial settlement between her and your DH, as it was agreed more than a decade ago. She's a chancer - I'd let the law sort it out.

LisaMed1 · 23/08/2017 16:01

SerfTerf It may be nothing, but if it's just the computer looking at 'name on other mortgage' or worse 'black mark against other mortgage' then it could make a difference in the interest rates

SerfTerf · 23/08/2017 16:02

Not with a decent broker. That's a tiny background mortgage.

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 16:02

The reason the original advice we got said he was entitled to 50% was that the property was bought for them both to live in and she has had "enjoyment" of it while he had to pay rent elsewhere.

He doesn't want 50%. He just wants out. But if he's legally entitled to any of the original deposit he paid when the house was bought (before they married) then he should go for it, right?
The money isn't the issue.
My issue is she, by dragging it all on and telling him she can go after my savings, will walk away with even more than what she has now because she will take 50% of my savings AND keep the house.

OP posts:
LisaMed1 · 23/08/2017 16:03

SerfTerf You're probably right. I think any shortfall is likely to be the problem.

SerfTerf · 23/08/2017 16:04

But if he's legally entitled to any of the original deposit he paid when the house was bought (before they married) then he should go for it, right?

NO, not in this combative situation with such tiny amounts. Just do what you have to do to get his name off.

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 16:05

... which she won't cooperate with as she knows her only option is to sell.

OP posts:
Everytimeref · 23/08/2017 16:05

If your DH had sorted finances out and his ex was given a mesher order he wouldn't necessarily had to contribute to mortgage to be entitled to his share. The party who remain in property have to pay both shares of mortgage in lieu of rent.
If this went to court your current financial situation would be considered but it would be unlikely with no dependent children that a court would insist your DH remains on mortgage. The court would insist the property was sold, if ex unable to re mortgage.

ADishBestEatenCold · 23/08/2017 16:05

"I just want him off the pissing mortgage."

Well do what I (and I think a lot of others) have suggested. have your husbands solicitor draw up an offer, giving up any interest he has in the house, if she takes over mortgage / all debt attached to the house.

Walk away. Given the figures involved, I think that it would cost you a lot more to do otherwise.

"He's a bellend but he's my bellend."

Smile He may still have a (little) contact because of the children, but once he has walked away from any interest in the house, you can then get on with your marriage! Use your nest egg to deposit on your own home, and enjoy making it wonderful.
I sincerely wish you a long and happy marriage, but SSDGM, remember he's a bellend (I've got a feeling about his role in all this) and keep your hands firmly on the reins throughout! Perhaps protect your greater share (nest egg and higher earnings) when you and he buy your forever home.

Good luck!

Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 16:06

But it is still your DH's responsibility for not sorting all of this out at the appropriate time.

Yes it is galling but if you need to let the scales fall from your eyes that your DH is not the innocent victim in all of this.

SerfTerf · 23/08/2017 16:06

Lisa might have a point about linked names on credit files, though.

Get him to request "dissociation" from all three CRAs while you're waiting to sort the rest out.

They'll do it if the only financial link between a divorced couple is a mortgage account.

Everytimeref · 23/08/2017 16:07

The ex wouldnt be entitled to a share of your savings unless the savings are in both your names.

SerfTerf · 23/08/2017 16:08

which she won't cooperate with as she knows her only option is to sell.

He can get a court order to "just" get his name off (or sale) just go straight for that if she's mucking about.

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