Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

.. To be furious at DH's ex Wife?

517 replies

SSDGM · 23/08/2017 13:03

DH split up with the mother of his kids years before he met me. In fact he had another 10 year long relationship in between us. Now their youngest DD is 19 and in employment the time has come to sell the house (or her to buy him out) as agreed. However she's changed her mind and is pleading poverty. She's ignored solicitors letters and mediation requests or left any correspondence to the last minute and has said she's about to be out of a job due to illness. DH has had enough and has instructed solicitors that Mediation will not work and to go straight to court. She now wants him to just sign it all over to her and walk away.
I'm fuming because I have 2 now adult DS's from my first marriage and after their father and I split I made a point to ramp up my career to look after us all where she has just ignored the passing of time and can't now cope without the maintenance and tax credits she got before her DS/ my DSD was of age. I have a little nest egg put away for a house deposit and earn a decent salary. She has now said she will come after MY money and she will be given the house they shared by the courts because she's poorer than I am.
DH is self employed and earns less than I do.

AIBU to want to get involved? How dare she sit on her arse working part time for years after the kids were old enough to take care of themselves and then piss and moan it's unfair that we have a nice life and should give her everything. I've always been nice to her to keep the peace, but I'm losing patience. Why can't she just bugger off?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 24/08/2017 20:10

Why should she show him statements though?

You really reckon she has them neatly filed and to hand (under the cat shit) to pass to him?

Maybe she doesn't want to look disorganised saying she hasn't got them?
Maybe she thinks - piss off and do your own paperwork you lazy get?

I don't understand why you seem to have more scathing words for her than your husband who really should have his own copies.

INFP · 24/08/2017 20:11

OP, sounds as though the ex is intent on making her life as easy as possible without any consideration for anyone else.

To be fair, sounds as though OP's DH did the same til OP came along.

Ellisandra · 24/08/2017 20:11

Swizzel - RTFT Grin No Consent Orders here.

LineysRun · 24/08/2017 20:22

OP, can your husband even prove he has a financial claim on this house?

I really am trying to helpful here. You need to take this step by step.

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 20:34

No. He can't prove anything. Not without the paperwork. Please remember that we don't want any money from this , we just want it resolved.

OP posts:
SenatorBunghole · 24/08/2017 20:44

This is all completely batshit.

So we've established already that OP was daft to marry with things unresolved, but we are where we are. Hopefully someone reading will benefit from that knowledge. For now OP, I think you've had some decent advice on here, but there are two things I'd particularly highlight:

  1. Stop paying any attention to XWs benefit and desired benefit claims. Not your problem or business. Waste of your thoughts and energy.
  1. Get your own legal advice, indepedently of DH. A solicitor might well identify a conflict of interests between the two of you anyway, depending on lots of factors. I'd be treading quite carefully with the two of you if you both came in.
LineysRun · 24/08/2017 20:53

Oh God, OP, now I feel really bad for you. Must be like trying to walk on quicksand.

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/08/2017 21:15

She doesnt need to show you any statements!

If he removed his head from his arse long enough to actually find out where the endowment is and the mortgage company with the interst only, then he could request the paperwork himself! I wouldnt hand over my copies of our shared mortgage paperwork to my ex. He can get it replaced himself if he needs to, I am not going to hand over such important papers!

Dont you see? You are blaming her for all of this and it is on him! You say that she wants you to sort it all out with your money and she walks away with everything. Well I have to say that it sounds like thats exactly what your DH wants to happen too! You sort it, you arrange paperwork, solicitors etc exW gets tthe house, he gets a new house with you, he isnt he bad guy and does asbolutely fuck all to make any of it happen.

I think that you need it to be her fault because you dont want to admit how utterly hopeless and selfish your husband is.

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 21:24

He's not hopeless or selfish! He's just been stupid thinking that the mother of his kids would stick to the amicable arrangement they had when they divorced. LIKE A REASONABLE PERSON. Of course I'm going to stand up for my husband! Hes already taken the step of getting a subject access request thanks to the advice on here which has been infinitely better than any advice he has got from the solicitor he's already spent the best part of £1,000 on.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 24/08/2017 21:25

Dont you see? You are blaming her for all of this and it is on him! You say that she wants you to sort it all out with your money and she walks away with everything. Well I have to say that it sounds like thats exactly what your DH wants to happen too! You sort it, you arrange paperwork, solicitors etc exW gets tthe house, he gets a new house with you, he isnt he bad guy and does asbolutely fuck all to make any of it happen.

I don't have anything to add to this, I just thought it was so right on that it deserved to be said twice.

LineysRun · 24/08/2017 21:27

Who's he sent to SARN request to, if you don't mind me asking.

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 21:32

He's sending it to the building society they have the mortgage with.

Yorick - He's taken legal advice! I didn't sort his solicitor, he did it! He's paid the legal fees, he's been to mediation, he's done the follow up calls. Where have I said I did everything?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 24/08/2017 21:35

He's not hopeless or selfish!

You sound far too inelligent to be this naive!

Of course he is! Hopeless because he has had countless opportunities to get this sorted from the day they agreed to divorce onwards and he didnt because it was easier not to. She wasnt the only one who was burying her head in he sand.

Selfish because he expected you to put up with it thus far, and now conribute to the legal costs that should have been paid years ago as part of his divorce. Also seems to be relying on you to do the butt kicking instead of doing it himself.

If you dont think that that is hopeless and selfish then I am sorry for you and your low standards.

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/08/2017 21:39

You have strongly implied that the only reason any of this is happening is because of you. And if you are married then his money is your money and vice versa. So yes, he is spending your money on this because the more he spends on that now, when it should have been done years ago, the less you have as a family.

So is it your doing or his? You are being very conradictory.

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 21:42

He isn't hopeless or selfish. Worst he is is ignorant and there's no excuse. It's not unusual that a man with no legal training would no nothing about law. He trusted his solicitor during the divorce and trusted his ex wife. He didn't rock the boat to allow his daughter a home until the time agreed with his Ex. Now we know this wasn't the best idea. Now we know we have to force some sort of action from a woman who has dug her heels in because she's realised how much she has to lose too from her own inaction. A woman who, to my eyes holds every single one of the keys to me buying a home with my husband who is the most loving, kindest, funny, sexy and hardest working man I've ever met. Him not having a legal qualification didn't really come into what I looked for in a partner. Please, be reasonable.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 24/08/2017 21:42

Everyone seems to have missed a very valid point a pp made. If OP's dh goes ahead and buys a second property whilst still owning the first they will have to pay the extra stamp duty as if it's a second property.

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 21:43

It's happening now because I have lost patience. He thought he was doing just as his solicitor advised but I don't think he's getting the best advice.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 24/08/2017 21:44

It must be bloody awful for you OP but hopefully if you can firm up the situation and whether the building society knows the endowment co it may get there - eventually!

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 21:45

Yep. I really cannot thank posters on here enough for some of the advice I've been given and we can now take steps to resolve this. Lessons learned on both sides.

OP posts:
Livingdiisgracefully · 24/08/2017 21:49

OP you've really had a lot of people putting the boot in. Hope it all works out for you. It's a really difficult situation. But maybe persistence is the key. Letting things drift or leaving things on trust is what got you all into this mess. As people often say to a woman who has split from her husband, he is no longer your friend. Your husband could have benefited from this advice many years ago.

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/08/2017 21:51

A woman who, to my eyes holds every single one of the keys to me buying a home with my husband

Again, all on her. Not a single word about your inactive husband who couldnt be bothered. Because thats what it comes down to!

I dont have a legal qualification and neither do thousands of other people who divorced every year. If their solicitor is shit then they get another until the issue is sorted, they dont shrug their shoulders and walk away!

You love him so you dont want to see him as we do, I get that but that doesnt make it all her fault and it sickens me that you really cant see that through your bitterness and desperation for the dream house.

INFP · 24/08/2017 21:58

Today 21:42 Allthebestnamesareused

Everyone seems to have missed a very valid point a pp made. If OP's dh goes ahead and buys a second property whilst still owning the first they will have to pay the extra stamp duty as if it's a second property.

Not true. This only applies if the second property is not the main residence which in this case, it is.

LineysRun · 24/08/2017 22:01

The mortgage lender has a month I think to respond to a Subject Access Rights Notice.

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 22:01

Sickens? Really?
What is wrong with wanting to buy my dream house? I've said he's been ignorant and is now going to pay the price for it. I haven't said he's squeaky clean. He's fucked it up. He knows this very well after the shit fit I threw at him this afternoon. However, he is the one out of the pair of them who has made ANY sort of effort, late or not to allow any of us to man be on.

His ExW is making a shit situation ever shitter and I really do think her sudden illness, wanting a child and the issue with her trying to get their daughter diagnosed with a mental illness all around the time their verbal agreement happens completely smacks of her trying to fuck him completely over because she doesn't want to deal with the task in hand. Same as she didn't want to deal with their divorce.

OP posts:
SSDGM · 24/08/2017 22:02

*man be on - move on

OP posts: