Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. To be furious at DH's ex Wife?

517 replies

SSDGM · 23/08/2017 13:03

DH split up with the mother of his kids years before he met me. In fact he had another 10 year long relationship in between us. Now their youngest DD is 19 and in employment the time has come to sell the house (or her to buy him out) as agreed. However she's changed her mind and is pleading poverty. She's ignored solicitors letters and mediation requests or left any correspondence to the last minute and has said she's about to be out of a job due to illness. DH has had enough and has instructed solicitors that Mediation will not work and to go straight to court. She now wants him to just sign it all over to her and walk away.
I'm fuming because I have 2 now adult DS's from my first marriage and after their father and I split I made a point to ramp up my career to look after us all where she has just ignored the passing of time and can't now cope without the maintenance and tax credits she got before her DS/ my DSD was of age. I have a little nest egg put away for a house deposit and earn a decent salary. She has now said she will come after MY money and she will be given the house they shared by the courts because she's poorer than I am.
DH is self employed and earns less than I do.

AIBU to want to get involved? How dare she sit on her arse working part time for years after the kids were old enough to take care of themselves and then piss and moan it's unfair that we have a nice life and should give her everything. I've always been nice to her to keep the peace, but I'm losing patience. Why can't she just bugger off?

OP posts:
INFP · 24/08/2017 19:25

But the mortgage DOES NOT SHOW ON HIS CREDIT REPORT!!!!

Sorry to shout but you are ignoring this, what you said was the root of the problem.

SerfTerf · 24/08/2017 19:26

The more you say, the more sympathy I feel for her. Why should she discuss it with you?

SerfTerf · 24/08/2017 19:27

She doesn't actually want the problem solbed INF. She wants to bitch.

INFP · 24/08/2017 19:28

Since the mortgage does not show on his credit report, though she may not be able to go forth and procreate, you and your DH most certainly will be able to buy your dream home together. Was that not the issue to begin with?

INFP · 24/08/2017 19:29

YY serf

Lucysky2017 · 24/08/2017 19:32

You can't buy a second property whilst you still are on the mortgage of the first. Itis nothing to do with credit reports. Ify ou can borrow say 3x your annual salary and you are already on the first mortgage for say 2x your salary the lender will simply not give you a mortgage for the next place. It is why most couples want a clean break and indeed sell the house after their first divorce and do it quickly so both can move on.

Original poster
SSDGM · 24/08/2017 19:32

Discuss what? The house? Because I'm involved and this affects me and I want us all to move forward with our lives. I'm removing both their heads from the sand.

Why do you feel sympathy with her? I'm actually interested. What have I done to actually hurt her in any way? I think she is a malingering procrastinating liar but I've smiled sweetly through this and believed she could possibly, somehow be a woman of her word after the kids were grown as she agreed with my husband before we even met.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 24/08/2017 19:36

OP Your DH had another relationship between his ex wife and you.

Do you know why they split up?

Ellisandra · 24/08/2017 19:36

I would like to say I'd be the bigger person - especially after 14 years Grin - and would just send statements.

But my XH and I had one significant financial matter to deal with 6 years after divorce. The one his GF did for him, just like you! So he wanted to argue about something in the Consent Order. Later, my solicitor told me had rung my solicitor for a copy of it. She got her secretary to give him the number, and told who to contact at court for it. We had a wee bitching session that - FFS - no, I wasn't there to do his paperwork for him.

Maybe she doesn't keep statements, or file them well (I only get an annual one). Or maybe, she's not his wife any more and it just ain't her responsibility to play secretary when he can't be bothered!

Original poster
SSDGM · 24/08/2017 19:36

I've now lost my patience. Yes, with both of them. You forget my OP. She told my H that she will come after my money. She said this. The timing of her illnesses seems very convenient. She's stated she wants us to clean up the mess with our money and let her walk away with everything. Wouldn't you feel just a bit pissed off with it.

I've mentioned the strangeness of the credit score. I believe this is going to take more investigating.

OP posts:
INFP · 24/08/2017 19:36

Lucy, of course you can buy a property with an existing mortgage. Salary and existing debts is an issue but that is what the credit report is for. And if this mortgage is not showing then it won't be counted.

Original poster
SSDGM · 24/08/2017 19:39

Helena

Yes, she wanted to move 3hrs away from his kids to her hometown and he didn't want to. They weren't married, they called it off and she moved away.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 24/08/2017 19:42

"A woman of her word".

Hmmmm. You have no idea what their agreement was, you really don't. It was a split 14 years ago - between two people who are not exactly beacons of communication and clarity. That agreement may have been no more than "the kids will stay in the house with you, you pay the mortgage and we'll sort it all out when they're grown up". You know this man - do you really think they made a clear agreement?

As I mentioned, my XH (via his GF Hmm) challenged something in the Consent Order. Black and white. Court sealed. He said we'd agreed something else. Now he's a sneaky little fucker to be sure - but I think in this case, he just didn't pay attention (paperwork and detail isn't his thing, it is mine). But I have no doubt at all that his GF thinks I was going back on my word.

Don't be so quick - given what you know of your husband - to think that there was any clear agreement, or word for her to go back on - at all.

PoorYorick · 24/08/2017 19:42

Oh don't you join in with the groundless bitching about a stranger.

I'm not. I'm with Ellisandra and I haven't said anything against the XW. The way I read it was that she had started trying for a baby when her youngest was 18, and at that point she was nearly 50. It didn't seem realistic to me and so if anything I wondered if it was even true.

If I'm guilty of anything, it's misreading and miscalculating ages, although if she was 44-48, I still think conception would have been unlikely, and I don't see why it's 'bitching' to say that. I haven't said anything against the XW in this thread...I think OP's bile should be directed at her husband who's just as culpable.

Ellisandra · 24/08/2017 19:44

I agree it was shitty of her to say she was going after your money.

But it was also shitty of him to threaten to go after 50% of a house he'd paid far far less towards.

So... it's just a not very well managed negotiation. Don't take it personally.

PoorYorick · 24/08/2017 19:46

Does it matter if she "said" she was going after OP's money if there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that she could actually get it?

PurpleMinionMummy · 24/08/2017 19:49

You need to remove his head from the sand some more. He didn't deal with it in the past because he was 'ignorant'. What's the excuse now he's no longer ignorant to it? You are dealing with it and he's still ignoring it.

She's probably well aware she's winding you up. Why on earth would she tell you she plans on going long term sick Confused

Lucysky2017 · 24/08/2017 19:50

INFP, the mortgage application form you fill in requires you to declare your debts. If you don't you can go to prison so it is doesn't matter if this existing mortgage does not show up on a search - the husband and all those other people int he Uk stuck on first mortgage cannot get a second mortgage unless they have a very high income.

It doesn't matter what she says about going after the new partner's money as that is not something she can do.

INFP · 24/08/2017 19:52

Lucy, the mortgage only has 3k left on it.

Ellisandra · 24/08/2017 19:57

Sounds like the mortgage has 2 years left to run.
Therefore it's probably short by 2 years worth of interest only repayments, plus the endowment shortfall.
And that may be a projected shortfall not an actual shortfall. A lot of info needed!

What interests me now... cos I'm a details kind of a girl Wink is that OP doesn't mention her husband ever saying that he had to sign for a remortgage.

Even if she's flipped to SVR automatically, I dread to think what money this woman has possibly lost in poor mortgage decisions for 23 years Shock

Ellisandra · 24/08/2017 19:58

If you like OP, you can think of that as her karma comeuppance for being an ostrich!

Original poster
SSDGM · 24/08/2017 19:59

INFP - That's what we think, but she won't show any statements to show what is actually owed.

OP posts:
LineysRun · 24/08/2017 20:00

she told my H that she will come after my money.

And your husband helpfully passed that stressful crap on to you, instead of checking his endowment policy? Honestly, I feel for you, OP, but he's sounding a bit lame here.

Original poster
SSDGM · 24/08/2017 20:01

I dread to think what money she has lost too. But again this is all part of her sticking her head in the sand and not dealing with issues in front of her.

OP posts:
Swizzel · 24/08/2017 20:09

OP, sounds as though the ex is intent on making her life as easy as possible without any consideration for anyone else. If your DH was married to her, then you just need to check the Consent Order. If it states that the house is to be sold once the children leave full-time education, then she is now in breach of that order and you can take her to court based on that. The Consent Order is final and binding, and given the amount of time that has elapsed since they were together, she'd find it impossible to challenge that now.

With regards to coming after you for money, she can't - the children have grown up and can take care of themselves in the eyes of the law, so she doesn't have a leg to stand on. Get yourself a decent solicitor, this shouldn't be an issue that weighs on you for any length of time.