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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. To be furious at DH's ex Wife?

517 replies

SSDGM · 23/08/2017 13:03

DH split up with the mother of his kids years before he met me. In fact he had another 10 year long relationship in between us. Now their youngest DD is 19 and in employment the time has come to sell the house (or her to buy him out) as agreed. However she's changed her mind and is pleading poverty. She's ignored solicitors letters and mediation requests or left any correspondence to the last minute and has said she's about to be out of a job due to illness. DH has had enough and has instructed solicitors that Mediation will not work and to go straight to court. She now wants him to just sign it all over to her and walk away.
I'm fuming because I have 2 now adult DS's from my first marriage and after their father and I split I made a point to ramp up my career to look after us all where she has just ignored the passing of time and can't now cope without the maintenance and tax credits she got before her DS/ my DSD was of age. I have a little nest egg put away for a house deposit and earn a decent salary. She has now said she will come after MY money and she will be given the house they shared by the courts because she's poorer than I am.
DH is self employed and earns less than I do.

AIBU to want to get involved? How dare she sit on her arse working part time for years after the kids were old enough to take care of themselves and then piss and moan it's unfair that we have a nice life and should give her everything. I've always been nice to her to keep the peace, but I'm losing patience. Why can't she just bugger off?

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 24/08/2017 18:13

I may have been shit at marriage but I was damn good at divorce grin

Ellisandra, you get better and better. I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Original poster

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 18:15

Things I have discovered today after putting boots up backsides:

The Mortgage doesn't show on my husband's credit report so he will have to do the SAR.

She doesn't want to go to court.

She had plans to try for a baby when her youngest DD turned 18 but her Dr advised against it. (removed as she is clearly not trying to play the system or anything)

She is currently working full time since the tax credits she received for her daughter have stopped. She doesn't like this very much and is intending to go off sick permanently. (her actual words).

Her partner who she has been with for 8 years moved into her home a year ago and is renting out his house to his brother.

But the main thing is:

The ExW has agreed to remove My H from everything but we will have to pay all costs and walk away with nothing. She will not budge from this stance.

So, my thought is to get the mortgage figures and do the maths first of all. If it appears there will be a shortfall then it will be better for us to wash our hands of it, no matter what it costs and let her have what she may want right now, but will not be what she will need in the future.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/08/2017 18:19

They need to find out if the mortgage provider will allow her to keep the mortgage without your DHs name on it.

You're right to have a proper look through the figures but if she really doesn't want to go to court and you can get a shit hot lawyer then don't rule out taking it to court because she might start to see sense if she knows it's an option you're willing to take.

Original poster

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 18:20

Ellisandra

My divorce and subsequent settlement after the house sale was managed without paying a single penny to a solicitor. Because my exH and I were reasonable towards each other and understood the least fuss meant we could both move on. Maybe I was expecting too much of his ExW that she could behave in that way.

There was never any chance of them getting back together. he didn't just drop her and pick her up and treat her badly, she had other relationships too and at one point left him and took their daughter. Why do you keep making out she's a victim here? My husband is a decent man and is only guilty of being ignorant of legal matters. He's not a womanising monster.

OP posts:

HeebieJeebies456 · 24/08/2017 18:31

if you push for 50/50 instead of agreeing to pay the costs she should be paying.....seeing as she has only been able to continue living there because your dh's name was on the mortgage & therefore preventing him from getting one.....
maybe she'll opt to pay the costs rather than take it to court?

LineysRun · 24/08/2017 18:32

The Mortgage doesn't show on my husband's credit report

Nor the endowment policy? That's a bit worrying tbh.

PurpleMinionMummy · 24/08/2017 18:37

You keep blaming his ex for the situation HE has landed you both in. That's why she's coming across as the victim.

Original poster

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 18:39

I've said he was ignorant. And he has been making much more of an effort to sort the situation out than she has.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 24/08/2017 18:51

Where did I call him a womanising monster?
The worst he's been called on here is a bellend, and that was by...

I only said that you told us the relationship was on and off - and that could explain why she wasn't in a rush to respond to divorce requests.

I am making her out to be a victim. But I didn't like sons of your posts where you were painting husband as the victim. As I said, I've heard the horseshit some exes come out with.

Can I give you some advice? Well, him really - but I've no doubt it's you that'll make it happen for him.
Don't make agreements about the house in isolation.
Get a Consent Order and finally get this whole shambles sorted out.

Believe it or not I do feel for you - I had to divorce my XH for Adultery, but god knows I'd have been torn if there'd been a second box with "Guilty of dumping his shit on other people to sort out"

PoorYorick · 24/08/2017 19:01

Ellisandra hasn't called your husband a womaniser or even implied it. All she's said is that he's as much of an ostrich as the XW and it isn't fair to place all the blame for this unholy mess on her as he is just as culpable.

On another note, why on earth doesn't the mortgage show on his credit report? What's going on there?

Original poster

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 19:05

Not a flipping clue. There are no financial associations with her either.

OP posts:

LineysRun · 24/08/2017 19:09

OP, No-one has called your husband a womanising monster.

I'd be more concerned that the mortgage and presumably the endowment policy aren't showing up on his credit file, when they should be, as they're in his name too. Aren't they??

Who is telling you what his ExW's words are btw? Him? Or is she saying them directly to you.

There's something 'off' here, OP.

INFP · 24/08/2017 19:10

She had plans to try for a baby when her youngest DD turned 18 but her Dr advised against it. (removed as she is clearly not trying to play the system or anything)

How on earth do you know that she didn't want to start a family with her new partner because they wanted a family together? Why does it have to be that she's trying to fiddle the system?

You are increasingly coming across as somewhat bitter.

LineysRun · 24/08/2017 19:12

Very importantly, who is telling you these things?

What proof do you have that your husband co-owns the house, etc?

PoorYorick · 24/08/2017 19:13

You said she's nearly 50...did she really think trying for a baby was realistic? If so, then I agree with Paps who say she sounds as though she does have mental health issues (having cat shit all over the house, if true, would not be the sign of a sound mind), and this is going to be a factor in your decision of what to do.

I know this sounds like a mad question, but is there any chance your husband did actually come off the mortgage somehow and doesn't actually know or remember it? It seems nuts but he knows so little about the situation, I'm wondering if there was something he might have signed without realising what it was? I'm not a lawyer so I can't really think what, but given he knows next to nothing about his own finances, anything seems possible.

SerfTerf · 24/08/2017 19:13

How on earth do you know that she didn't want to start a family with her new partner because they wanted a family together? Why does it have to be that she's trying to fiddle the system?

This.

Casting aspersions about her ill health is also very low and catty.

INFP · 24/08/2017 19:14

Also, if the mortgage isn't showing on your DH's credit report then doesn't that solve the issue of whether he can get a mortgage with you?

Ellisandra · 24/08/2017 19:16

Apologies if you know this stuff, but it's worth saying I think.

When he finally works out who is endowment policy is with, they won't pay out with both signatures - probably not a problem. Then, IIRC they'll pay them half each.

Unless it was "assigned to the lender" when it was taken out. If it wasn't automatically assigned to the lender, then that will be cash to both of you and the mortgage lender can't force her to pay it. She could piss her share up a wall, or bank it and refuse to pay. Obviously the lender would then foreclose... but it all takes time and he's jointly liable.

You mentioned before that they had agreed about a secured loan for home improvement, but that had been used differently.

When he finds his endowment policy, then he needs to check whether it's assigned to lender, and if not work out a strategy to manage this.

Original poster

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 19:16

She told me. I spoke to her. I wanted to know what she wanted. I was nice.

She's almost 50. She doesn't want to work. She tried to get her youngest daughter considered unable to work through severe depression (that she did not have) and put herself down as her daughter's carer on the claim after her daughter left college. I'm not making this shit up!

OP posts:

INFP · 24/08/2017 19:18

The Mortgage doesn't show on my husband's credit report so he will have to do the SAR.

This. Problem solved. The mortgage doesn't show on his credit report. You can get a mortgage together.

You're welcome.

SerfTerf · 24/08/2017 19:18

You said she's nearly 50...did she really think trying for a baby was realistic? If so, then I agree with Paps who say she sounds as though she does have mental health issues

Oh don't you join in with the groundless bitching about a stranger.

We know that she had her first child in her teens and that that child is now 29.

We also know she's been with her partner for eight years.

So she was no older than 49 when she met her current partner, and probably in her 30s.

She's anything between 44 and 48 now (assuming between 15 and 19 when she had her eldest).

SerfTerf · 24/08/2017 19:21

We don't know what the illness is, but she's always ill. She is never well. She makes up stories that she can't see the grandkids as she is "radioactive" after having a scan or she can't babysit as the grandkids will give her "germs". She definitely does not have cancer, btw. If she was so bothered about germs she wouldn't let the cats shit all over the house.(going to stop that now, I'm trying not be too much of a bitch regardless of temptation).

Why are those "stories"?

Too late. You sound like all the other jealous, gullible, bitchy second wives who do this.

Ellisandra · 24/08/2017 19:21

So, you asked her nicely and she told you.

Doesn't that rather undermine your previous position that she ignored everything?

Perhaps she just thought "well thank goodness I have someone else to deal with other than that bellend who didn't listen when I told him months ago that I wanted the house, end of"?

I have dealt with my XH's GF on a significant financial matter - his choice. Bloody hell was it good to talk to someone who actually WANTED to sort something out!

SerfTerf · 24/08/2017 19:22

Sorry :- No older than 40 when she met her current partner.

Original poster

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 19:23

Oh, she hung up on me because she was "too ill to talk about it any more" when I raised the subject of the statements. I'd say she wasn't as forthcoming as I had liked.

OP posts:

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