.. To be furious at DH's ex Wife?

[SSDGM]

DH split up with the mother of his kids years before he met me. In fact he had another 10 year long relationship in between us. Now their youngest DD is 19 and in employment the time has come to sell the house (or her to buy him out) as agreed. However she's changed her mind and is pleading poverty. She's ignored solicitors letters and mediation requests or left any correspondence to the last minute and has said she's about to be out of a job due to illness. DH has had enough and has instructed solicitors that Mediation will not work and to go straight to court. She now wants him to just sign it all over to her and walk away.
I'm fuming because I have 2 now adult DS's from my first marriage and after their father and I split I made a point to ramp up my career to look after us all where she has just ignored the passing of time and can't now cope without the maintenance and tax credits she got before her DS/ my DSD was of age. I have a little nest egg put away for a house deposit and earn a decent salary. She has now said she will come after MY money and she will be given the house they shared by the courts because she's poorer than I am.
DH is self employed and earns less than I do.

AIBU to want to get involved? How dare she sit on her arse working part time for years after the kids were old enough to take care of themselves and then piss and moan it's unfair that we have a nice life and should give her everything. I've always been nice to her to keep the peace, but I'm losing patience. Why can't she just bugger off?

A solicitor willing to fight is not necessarily a good one. It can cost thousands to get exactly nowhere - a solicitor willing to fight could cause financial problems for both sides. A good solicitor is one who will weigh up the situation and give you an honest apparisal of how/why/within what timescale aswell as cost. Be careful with the 'fight' mentality, it is rarely healthy.

The last thing anyone needs on this thread is expensive lawyers as there is not a lot of money at stake.

My piont above about in marriage and on divorce it does not count who paid for what is not wrong. If one partner never works and the other does that does not mean the non worker gets less. If both work full time as we did and one earns a lot more then the fact I had life savings, shares etc all in my name doesn't matter - my ex still got all of that 100% (as he earned less). Whereas if you are unmarried then it matters a lot whose name assets are in and who paid what mortgage over the years. Obviously the needs of children come first anyway but here the younvest is 19. However our court order says I pay for the 5 children at university by the way - not all divorce consent orders stop at age 18 and plenty of us are financially supporting our children not just through university but post grad too and housing them afterwards.

here the mistake was not sayig to this man before getting into bed with him - snny Jim I will not touch you with a barge pole until you get your ex wife or the courts to take you off the mortgage and then we can talk about getting close and then buying a house together.

I love the idea it is 'suspicious' she only moves in with her partner when her children have left home. The insinuation being that she was diddling the tax credits and now is looking for a man to support her.

It couldn't possibly have been a case of a decent mother putting her kids and their education first, deciding that blending families might have a negative impact on her children and therefore putting her own wants aside for a time? It is not an uncommon tactic and works well for many.

But hey ho, far easier to see a greedy ex wife/single mum taking advantage. After all, the only decent people are the married ones, no?!

Ellis has a very good point.

Its all very well the husband sitting there wringing his hands and playing the victim but the simple fact is that he could have sorted this years ago. She ignored the letters etc but a court order cannot be ignored, yet he never bothered to get one.

I do think that the OP is unfair to blame the exW more than her DH when they are both doing exactly the same thing! She buried her head in the sand about the inevitable day when she would have to either sell up or pay up and he buried his head in the sand too, every time she did! He seems to have shrugged his shoulders and said "She wont cooperate, oh well...." and shelved it.

Its like focussing purely on the OW for being a marriage wrecker instead of also blaming the husband that cheated!

As I see it the OP has three options. 1) Wait until the mortgage is done in 2 years and buy then, but be prepared to shell out the shortfall on her house in order to avoid repossesion which will scupper his chances at another mortgage. He would still have a charge on the house as joint owner though, so could recover that at a later date. 2) Buy a smaller house now and look to upgrade in a few years when all this has been sorted, but again consider that she may have to pay off the shortfall. 3) Go to court and pay more in solicitors fees than they are likely to get back.

OP, you are blaming the ex for the fact that you cant buy your dream house right now but that's life, many of us have to slowly climb the ladder to the dream house and it is as much your husbands fault as hers.. I am afraid that under your current circumstances you have no choice but to either downgrade your expectations or dont buy at all.

Its all very well the husband sitting there wringing his hands and playing the victim but the simple fact is that he could have sorted this years ago. She ignored the letters etc but a court order cannot be ignored, yet he never bothered to get one

^^^ EXACTLY!

Yet the hate is always directed towards the ex, as the current refuses to face up to the fact that the man she is with has done sweet f.a. to resolve a situation that impacts upon their relationship

Women who will blame other women...women who will vent to other women yet can't confront their man re issues centering around HIM which need to be sorted forthwith by HIM make me sigh...

Well he has tried to get it sorted through solicitors and mediation. But she has refused to engage. And she is still refusing to engage. Yes he could get a court order but that would cost a lot of money as legal people on here have stated.

As everyone on here is speculating wildly, perhaps he didn't want to be upset the apple cart while his children were still in education.

It's much easier to bury your head in the sand by not agreeing to resolve the situation, I.e. just doing nothing, than bury your head in the sand by not going through the difficult route of ligation.

Do you really think the OPs ex-wife is being fair being in a couple with two properties while her ex-husband can't even buy one.

And it's nothing to do with being married, just about fairness. And no I don't always agree that ex-wives are being unfair, often I can see their point. In this case, I think she's being unreasonable.

Oh come on, he doesn't even know who he's got an Endowment Policy with. Hasn't bothered finding out.

The OP's doing everything.

I would be furious too. I have no real knowledge but I think that your salary will be considered as you got married. Not sure that there is much you can do about it. But a solicitor should be able to advise you. I would change solicitor if your current one is not being helpful.

Oh come on. She refuses to give him any information.

And if he did find out, it would do him precisely no good without her engaging or a court order.

Yes, I think she's being fair not considering that she's in a couple with 2 properties.

In any case her boyfriend has only just moved in! And he's just a boyfriend. His access to a house is totally irrelevant and she'd be a fool to make any financial and housing decisions based upon a boyfriend who she could split up with tonight.

Her husband can afford to rent his property, and has a wife (not a girlfriend) who can get a mortgage - just less than she'd like without him.

It's not about the other two - it's about the parties to that marriage.

Where she is being absolutely unfair, is in refusing to engage. None of us know the history, the person on this thread closest to it called him a bellend. We don't know what really got agreed 14 years ago!

She should engage. If she can't take over the mortgage, then she should tell him that so they can all move forward.

Based on what has been said by the OP, it seems possible that the XW might struggle to be approved for a mortgage. OP was very quick in early posts to blame the XW for not working as hard post divorce as she herself has but... meh. I'll reserve judgement. I earn 5x my sister - she works equally hard, our lives have just been different. It might not be her fault she has taken it over - but if that's the case, she should communicate with him.

Actually, I just read the OP only again.

There's a lot of subsequent talk about how she's refusing to communicate.

But in the OP, as well as being told that she ignored solicitor letters and request to mediate, OP also says:

• or she leaves it to the last minute (annoying - but still communicating)
• she has said she's ill and losing her job (so she is communicating)
• said she wants him just to sign it over to her (again - that's communicating)

Given what it seems we know about her paying for the majority of the mortgage and endowment, that doesn't seem an outlandish proposal.

So has she really been refusing to communicate, or has she just stated her position and doesn't want to compromise? There's nothing wrong with that.

In later posts the OP has said it's not about money, he just wants off the mortgage, he would let her have the house (that she mostly paid for).

Well... that's exactly what his XW has offered!

So - why hasn't he progressed with finding out what is owed, and whether she has seen a mortgage broker?

Three versions of the truth.

I think court is the only option, and a new solicitor. I hope you GE the result you want, she is awful

I don't see why court is needed - yet.

She has said she wants the house signed over to her.

OP says all they want is to be off the mortgage (and it doesn't seem unreasonable to me that she gets the house).

So the next step, before court, is to understand

• how much is left to pay
• whether the XW can get a mortgage
• if not, whether the endowment which is only £3K short can be cashed in earlier, ad if her XH can afford to pay off the shortfall - possibly for a legal charge to be repaid later

He shouldn't be going anywhere near a court before he works out who his own flipping endowment provider is!

Oh come on. She refuses to give him any information

A grown man should know who his endowment company is when he's named on the policy.

I wouldn't be a in a rush to pass details over either. It gets boring when you have to mother a grown man because they can't take responsibility for their own actions. I expect the ex has by now realised it's not her responsibility to dig him out his self dug holes.

Not sure how the claim that XW refuses to give him any information fits with him knowing about the £3K endowment shortfall?

I was asked earlier if I had an axe to grind - I suppose I do. It's not over how much £ the XW gets. It's just experience of what utter bullshit some people spout about an ex.

I'd love to hear her version!

Elisandra you may not be a solicitor, but you jolly well should be!

A good solicitor needs to understand where both parties are coming from so that they can give their client the best advice imo, and you're really good at that.

Loving also that one of the daughters failed exams even though her father offered to pay for a tutor.

How many people would be confident in finding the right tutor?

Why didn't dad say to his daughter "I've spoken to X tutor, I can pay for it. He can do 2 hours every Tue at mine?"

They were as bad as each other on that one.

I suppose that the bottom line that this OP didn't dodge a bullet, she's taking one for her DH, and its not fair on her - but, it's the DH's ultimate responsibility, which he has shelved.

OP is partially complicit in knowingly going through with a marriage under the circumstances, and now has to face the consequences. No fun for OP.

Meanwhile it only looks like ExW played her hand of cards 'well' because her DH played his so badly, blindly and cavalierly.

Ellisandra is very astute.

Even if the XW were to agree that his name could come off the mortgage, the bank could well refuse if she's not financially in a position to continue to pay the interest and cover any shortfall in the endowment. Imo, there's no point in being angry with her until you know how bad any shortfall is likely to be.

Much of my working life is supporting people who can't cope with stuff to do with money and housing and bury their hands in the sand because they can't cope with dealing with this stuff. It's not a given that she's doing it for some weird revenge (but it can't be ruled out, either).

Until the DH knows how that endowment has performed, he can't decide how to move forward. I don't even see any point in speaking to a solicitor until that's established.

I think OP's husband should find out what the shortfall is, find out if there would be an early redemption penalty on the mortgage, and find out if the endowment can be cashed in now.

My thinking is that if it can all be paid off now and it's affordable, do that then get his name off the deeds.

If not, then wait it out until the end of the term, pay off the shortfall, then get his name off the deeds.

If his name is still on the deeds, even when the mortgage has ended, OP and her DH will have to pay the extra 3% stamp duty on second homes when they buy their own place.

Well indeed.

Expensive solicitor: 'and the endowment is with ...?'

OP's husband: 'I don't know'

"here the mistake was not sayig to this man before getting into bed with him - snny Jim I will not touch you with a barge pole until you get your ex wife or the courts to take you off the mortgage and then we can talk about getting close and then buying a house together"

Agree with Lucy here.

thank you

Now that I'm in the mood for questioning the version that the OP has been told...

Sounds awful, this woman burying her head in the sand and him having to wait 5 years for divorce, doesn't it?

But in a later post, OP said they were on and off and that he dumped her.

If I had 2 kids and a house with a man and (if this is the case) didn't want to be dumped then I might not rush to divorce either - she may have thought she was biding her time until they got together again.

Personally I don't like open ends. I dumped my XH on the 1st of the month, put an offer on a house on the 21st and saw a solicitor with all the documentation and a drafted financial agreement that he'd approved on the 23rd.

My solicitor said I was the most organised and happy divorce client she'd ever had! And laughed when she said "I'll need copies of..." and I dropped a lever arch file for his and her documents, complete with index.
I may have been shit at marriage but I was damn good at divorce

YY MistressDee This has been sheer laziness on the part of the DH.