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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MILs

101 replies

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 22/08/2017 07:29

Do we think some women start behaving the way described in these threads when they become MILs, or were they always unpleasant women? If the latter, which of us will become that type of MIL?

OP posts:

fessmess · 22/08/2017 07:38

Both. Oh and sometimes the mil is well-meaning but dil is an arse.

fessmess · 22/08/2017 07:40

Seriously, I think it's about control. For some women having children is their reason to exist and their life success is all about how kids/grandkids turn out. I think they find it hard to let go.

Freakishlycommon · 22/08/2017 07:48

They were always this way. Controlling difficult mothers and DIL will become controlling and difficult grandparents is my guess.

Ecureuil · 22/08/2017 07:53

I think it's often a power battle. Some MiL's don't like their being another woman in their DS's life.
Having said that, my MIL is generally lovely.

Yogagirl123 · 22/08/2017 08:03

I was 17 when I met DH also 17, MIL didn't like me one bit! She felt like I was taking her DS away from her, he was too young for a serious relationship etc. We married 6 or so years later and have been married nearly 25 years now, and MIL and I get on so well. I know she now considers me a daughter. But the early days in our relationship wasn't great, MIL I mean not DH! Things improved between us when I has DS1 & DS2, she adores her grandchildren.

Wishfulmakeupping · 22/08/2017 08:08

Some mild are lovely I have been very unlucky- my mil has been vicious to any 'outsiders' me, my ex bil (married to her dad) she was awful to him and now her granddaughter's finance is the latest victim.
Instead of embracing the new family members she is hostile and nasty it's sad she is trying to restore the family unit of the past instead of accepting it's a new unit now.
I think those with mils like this will be a lot kinder to their future in laws because we know how shitty it is otherwise!

Wishfulmakeupping · 22/08/2017 08:09

Married to her dad?! Her dd I meant

NataliaOsipova · 22/08/2017 08:10

In fairness, I think it's automatically a difficult relationship as you're thrust together with someone as "family" who isn't part of your own and with whom you don't have the longstanding history which makes things easier. This can cause problems even if there is goodwill on both sides.

I think all families are individual and therefore idiosyncratic. You're used to your own and quite possibly see that as "normal". Someone else's family dynamic is likely to be different and therefore potentially odd. It can be a bit of a minefield!

Teamkhaleesi · 22/08/2017 08:11

I used to get on well with my MIL - she even came wedding dress shopping with me. It was only after 8 years when I got pregnant with the first gc that things became frosty and now I avoid her at all costs! I think there's a bit of GP rivalry between my side and DHs side and MIL is worried my side are favoured. It's a shame but it has made me determined to be kind and not pushy when I'm a MIL.

SquedgieBeckenheim · 22/08/2017 08:12

For me and my MIL it's just a personality clash and different expectations.
I was raised to be independent, and my parents stay out of my life unless needed. MIL can't let go of her DS's and wants to be involved in every aspect of our life. I find that suffocating. She means well, and if I was a different person it may be appreciated.

Rockandrollwithit · 22/08/2017 08:13

I think the change in family dynamic can be hard to deal with.

My MIL is very much a matriarch. She was the only one of her siblings to have children so everything in the family revolved around them and visiting their house. She's found it hard that DH and I have moved 30 mins away (not far but it is to her) and having to 'share' grandchildren with my family too.

SquedgieBeckenheim · 22/08/2017 08:14

Meant to add, BIL also finds MIL over involved and suffocating, so it's not just me being awkward DIL.

Raver84 · 22/08/2017 08:19

Can only talk about mine who at first I got on ok with.... i now reaalis this was as I hardly ever saw her (working ft, busy social life) though I always knew she was very controlling.

Her controlling ways were amplified when I had my children and she didn't listen to a word I said and when she did speak to me it was often rude and insulting. She bursts into tears regularly when she don't get her own way which I find very irritating and childish. We don't get along at all now and I avoid her at all costs.

I hope I am never like this with any of mine, it's a dreadful way to behave.

Rockandrollwithit · 22/08/2017 08:20

Teamkhaleesi, I got on well with my MIL until my first child was born too.

lalalalyra · 22/08/2017 08:22

I think annoying or overbearing people just become annoying or overbearing in laws.

The main reason it becomes an issue is that the newcomer to the family hasn't had the years and years to become oblivious or conditioned to it so it's often the first time in many years someone has said no, or even simply questioned why everything has to be their way etc.

stalkingfred · 22/08/2017 08:22

My mother in law is great. She is respectful and helpful in general. She will help if asked. I think she's very careful to not cross any boundaries. Sometimes I hesitate to ask for things because I feel rude and it's easier to ask my own mum (I know). I'm quite careful to not step on her toes as my husband's mother and sometimes have to put her point forward when he has disagreed with her.

My worry is that I'll be one of those MILs in the future as I'm probably not as well rounded a person as my MIL is. I'm working on it and she is actually a good person to use as inspiration. I agree that having interests and a life outside of children and family is probably why she is how she is.

NataliaOsipova · 22/08/2017 08:27

The other dynamic at work (I think) is that it's quite easy to tell your own mother to butt out/stop it if she says something to annoy you....but less easy if it's your mother in law. Hence resentment can build over little things.

I know it can be the same in reverse. My good friend is a MIL and she finds it a minefield. She often says she'd have no problem saying x or y to her DD but feels she has to hold her tongue with her DIL for fear of causing offence.

HazelBite · 22/08/2017 08:29

My MIL wouldn't come to our wedding, was unbelievably rude to me when DH wasn't present, and said that our 1st child was a bastard because DH and I weren't properly married (we had married in a registry office instead of a church).
I ignored it all I smiled at her and ignored it and in the end she gave up, because she could see her DS was happy and her nastiness wasn't getting the result she wanted. She was the same with my SIL and I gave her the same advice, just ignore and get on with your life.

I am now a MIL I have two wonderful DIL's (both far to good for my DS's ) My other two DS's have lovely girlfriends.

I don't have enough time to interfere with their lives, too busy living mine!

exLtEveDallas · 22/08/2017 08:37

I have a lovely MIL - she was always fun, respectful, kind, a little bit 'naughty' and so loving towards DD.

She's poorly now and has changed a lot - argumentative, can be nasty, and is quite dramatic/needy but I still remember the woman she was rather than the woman she is now. I treat her exactly the same and ignore the bits I don't like. DD understands thankfully and does her best not to take anything she says to heart, but we do limit her exposure to it.

So in my case it's illness that has changed her and I'm glad I was in her life beforehand because it would be very hard to like her if I was coming at it blind.

I hope to be the woman that she 'was' - because she was ace!

olderandnowiser · 22/08/2017 08:37

I got on well with my MiL for 2 reasons:

She lived in another country

DH was one of 7 children, all of whom had children.

grasspigeons · 22/08/2017 08:37

Women seem to be allowed to maintain a close relationship with their Dad and husband but men seem to have to have to relegate their mum to a much lower status.
It's odd, my dad and husband have never really felt any competition with each other but some MIL and DIL really struggle.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 08:40

I have a good relationship with my MIL.

In fact irl I don't know anyone who doesn't get on with their MIL.

MN is just a snippet of reality remember.

I also think their are some DIL who don't exactly behave well too.

Chocolatear · 22/08/2017 08:43

My MIL has always been a bizarre women apparently. She puts a lot of pressure on me to be her daughter replacement as she has a difficult relationship with my SIL. I don't like her but I'm always polite and welcoming. I just don't want to talk to her for an hour every few days. We are very different people and have very different views on most things.
I have my own elderly, lunatic mother for that!

stalkingfred · 22/08/2017 08:45

I do know people who don't like how much their MIL 'interferes' when their own mother is even more involved.

To stop me being that daughter in law I always try and think if it would bother me if it were my own mum. And think how I will feel in the future.

Obviously I'm only talking about my own experiences because I'm sure some people have more difficult family.

Gottagetmoving · 22/08/2017 08:47

My mil was a bit of a matriarch type. She was the 'boss' of their family and expected everyone to give in to her. Of course this caused clashes because I was bloody minded and would deliberately go against her even when I could have gone along with something.
I got on better with her after I divorced her son. She was a brilliant grandmother to my children and after she died I did regret having been so stubborn with her in the early days. We were both at fault.
We would never have been close friends but in the end she was always my husband's mother whereas I was only his wife for 12 years.
Its best to try to get on with each other.

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