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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MILs

101 replies

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 22/08/2017 07:29

Do we think some women start behaving the way described in these threads when they become MILs, or were they always unpleasant women? If the latter, which of us will become that type of MIL?

OP posts:
Catsbutler · 22/08/2017 12:28

I think it's a personality thing - sometimes people just aren't my cup of tea so after 20 years I've decided that my MIL must feel the same way about me. That might explain why she kept a photo of DH's ex on top of the tv for six years after we married; rifled through his pockets on the day he bought my engagement ring and told him it was too expensive; wore black to our wedding and scowled throughout, including the photos; and failed to offer a single word of sympathy after four consecutive miscarriages. She also managed not to speak to me at all - not one word - when she visited a newborn DD and I in hospital or when my DF died.

When she calls the house and I answer she doesn't even say hello - just 'is he there? It's utterly blatant yet I tried so hard initially to involve her, engage her in conversation and just generally be pleasant to her. We're very low, almost no contact for my own benefit but on the rare occasions I visit her house she ignores my very existence. DH says I intimidate her but the bottom line is that she hated me on sight. 😂 And although he's never tackled her about it properly he's withdrawn from her, and takes no interest in her day to day life. DD only goes there occasionally. She is the loser, but we are past the point of no return.

Emma1997 · 22/08/2017 12:32

I don't have the best relationship with my MIL since for about 3 years she kept mentions me and my DH should have a child just so she could look after he or she since she doesn't work so she's bored most of the day in their house, apparently when I said no every time she mentioned it she would say horrible things about me behind my back to her neighbours or other family members which really upset me for a while.

When me and the DH moved in together a few months after we had gotten engaged (we moved to the other side of town where I grew up) she demanded to have a key to our flat, to be allowed to go into our flat whilst we were both at work and she made DH promise to visit th every Sunday (the only day I get off work) and I'm so glad we said no to everything but the visiting as she's recently admitted to going through SILs stuff whilst SIL and her boyfriend we're on holiday.

Now that the SIL has "accidently" gotten pregnant MIL doesn't want anything to do with me and the DH as she's now got what she wanted, only calls our house phone when she wants something from either of us and whilst on the phone she doesn't ask how we which I find rude.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 22/08/2017 12:39

For me and my MIL it's just a personality clash and different expectations.
I was raised to be independent, and my parents stay out of my life unless needed. MIL can't let go of her DS's and wants to be involved in every aspect of our life. I find that suffocating. She means well, and if I was a different person it may be appreciated.

Same here too. My parents love and respect us as individuals and adults with our own lives and priorities. DP's parents still see us as children and as an extension of them, to whom they can say and do as they like.

I do love them, but it makes things difficult sometimes.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 22/08/2017 12:51

I disliked my ex's mother a great deal. This wasn't a problem as he didn't have much positive to say about her either. She was never involved in our lives, and has nothing at all to do with our three children and never will.

I know lots of people who have lovely in-laws though.

Nomoreboomandbust · 22/08/2017 13:05

It's sad because done well with mutual respect it can Be a fantastic relationship.

Not as needy as a dd but close close family who both love the same people equally but differently my dss and my dgc.

quirkychick · 22/08/2017 13:08

My mil isn't difficult because she's my mil, she's just difficult. Most of dp's family are quite dysfunctional, though. But even they find her difficult...

We mostly get on now, because in the past I have stood up to her. We are very different people, but while I am tolerant of that but she finds it hard to accept that others might have different opinions Hmm. I think the pp who said that in the case of the mil-dil relationship it can be a case of a new person coming into the family who is not conditioned to the sometimes outrageous behaviour that is accepted by family members and understandably questions it.

Chattymummyhere · 22/08/2017 15:32

We all have people we dislike. Mil and dil are shoved together regaurdless because of the man.

My mil used to still try and book dh's dentist appointments and his mot all stuff as an adult he should be doing himself but she would always get in first. It was so annoying getting phone calls where she wouldn't talk to me just hi put dh to tell him he had to be at X place at Y time or calling at 10pm to ask how to work a bloody video player. She has a perfectly capable husband and works her self on computers but constantly needs him to do things she can do herself. She's the same with her adult DD she needs to be needed otherwise she will need you instead.

Theirs is the type of family who would know every detail of your life and medical problems and what you have for dinner. Mine is a phone call a few times a month maybe trip to the park with the kids if we feel like it but can always depend on each other to be there in an emergency type family.

I find their family overbearing and just cannot understand why people would want to life in each other's pockets so much.

OneOfTheGrundys · 22/08/2017 15:38

It is odd.
I observed my own DM displaying strange MIL behaviour this weekend.
My SIL refuses to get DN(5) hair cut professionally. It looks dreadful, real knife and fork bowl job. But her DC-none of my business.
DM "God I wish they'd get his hair cut professionally."
Me (very jokingly) "Haha I'll just take him to the barbers when he comes to stay!!!"
DM (absolute sincerity) "That's a really good idea! They'd thank you I'm sure."
Errrmmm. Confused

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2017 16:11

" find their family overbearing and just cannot understand why people would want to life in each other's pockets so much."
But if that is how their family functions, do you think that your dh should distance himself from them? Or do you just accept that that is how they are, and distance yourself?

sharksDen · 22/08/2017 16:15

On the whole, women struggle more with new relationships, especially when looking to organise some kind of pecking order. Seen Big Brother, The Apprentice or similar examples. Men usually get on or ignore each other.

I suspect that MiLs would often have a very different take on these threads we read. Remember there are 3 sides to every story!

Sashkin · 22/08/2017 16:22

My MIL is a very nice woman, but seems to be trying to replace my own mum. She suggested me and her go shopping for my wedding dress together, and when I told her my mum was buying it, she said "oh we can send her a link to the one we pick!" Um, no.

She's done a couple of things like that which were wildly disrespectful to my family, and it does piss me off that she thinks so little of them.

PenelopeCrayon · 22/08/2017 16:40

I think one issue is that if the parents are particularly invested in stereotypical ideas of gender, you can get issues with in-laws. We still have the ingrained idea in our society that men should be good providers, earn a decent wage, work hard, be able to drive, fix things and be "stable". Of course, most parents also want their daughter to be with someone loving and who treats them as an equal. But I still think that even just subconsciously, a fair amount of parents would like a SIL to be practical and hard working. Lots of women have children and go part time, or SAH for a time, which has a knock-on effect to their long term earning potential, and I think we still have this idea that a man should be able to provide for his family. The majority of issues I've ever heard of between FILs and SILs, whether it's the FIL stepping in and treading on toes or little criticisms etc, have been where the FIL has felt the SIL was a bit useless with money, wasn't able to put up a shelf, perhaps had MH issues or anything where they fell short of the FILs idea of manliness. However, in my limited experience, I've never seen much jealousy between FILs and SILs. Possibly in part because girls are socialised to stay close to their parents, and look up to their dads, there is no notion of having to "cut the apron strings" with girls, and also because being a father just has a different status to that of a mother in our society.

I think the DIL/MIL relationship is far more complex. Not always, of course, but we still have ingrained the idea that women should be competent in the domestic sphere, nurturing, caring, selfless etc. A fair amount of MILs will have worked part time or SAH, and/or done most of the cooking, cleaning and "wifework". Whilst their husbands had the opportunity to progress at work they had their children and the home and put everything into that. I'm making big generalisations just to make a point, I hope this makes sense, and I know "not all MILs" but I'm talking specifically about MILs who have traditional ideas about gender etc, and/or MILs who haven't pursued careers. Anyway, whilst your children are young, you have a focus. They need you. But as they get older they become more independent. If you haven't gone back to work and/or haven't got other interests, then you might find you now feel a bit redundant. If you have a daughter, you might expect her to remain close to you. Perhaps she will have children and will ask your advice, or rely on you for childcare. Perhaps you will bond over shared experiences. You don't feel threatened by her partner, because society expects women to be close to their mothers.

If you have sons, particularly if you have no daughters, it's a different situation. You've heard all the "son's a son till he takes a wife" and "must cut the apron strings" and you worry that he won't need you anymore once he has a wife. After all, she will go to her mum for advice, childcare, meeting for coffee etc if DC come along, and your DS will likely be working full time. Or they might move nearer to her parents. Your DIL might feel like the gatekeeper to her family, including your DS, and you may be really different people, who have very different ideas. You have lots of experience with raising children and running a home and you might feel you can be useful in that way.

It's only anecdotal of course, but all of the MIL problems I've encountered have been where the MIL had all boys, not a lot of interests, and had pampered her sons and husband. I know several MILs who more or less waited on their sons hand and foot then gave their DILs hell for not doing the same, or for "taking their son away". Sadly, I think they all, consciously or not, feared losing their sons in adulthood so they treated them like kings in the hope that any potential DILs wouldn't measure up. In the case of my own MIL, she resented any independence at all from DH and she resents my own domestic competence. She would prefer to have DH taking his ironing home at the age of 35, or that neither of us could boil an egg. It's sad, because I don't see her as competition in any way, but she's spent DH's whole life trying to make him dependent on her and telling him that women should look after men, and the result is that he's actually run a mile from her because her jealousy and desire to "keep him" just means she infantilises him and tried to destroy all his relationships with women.

I have sons, and I feel it's so important to help them be independent and not to stifle them. I hope that they will actively want to spend time with me as they grow up, and that any DILs will recognise that I'm an ally, who brought my sons up to be good, feminist men.

solarisIsAClassic · 22/08/2017 16:49

"who brought my sons up to be good, feminist men."

poor fuckers.

I have a sneaking suspicion as to what your agenda may be although your post seemed like a Guardian article with a few buzzwords and nothing of substance.

Did you read the OP before your rantette?

Cocolepew · 22/08/2017 16:55

My mil was an awful person even before I appeared on the scene.
She regularly threw trantrums/stopped speaking to people/interfered etc with her family. For some bizarre reason she was indulged and was allowed to get away with bad behaviour.
I was 24 and had my own place when I started to go out with DH. She would come down very early on my days off and push her way into the flst wanting "to talk to ne" ie shout and boss me about and generally cause a scene.
I just used to throw her out.
She carried on as if she and DH had a wonderfully close relationship, but he barely tolerated her. Therefore he found it easy to take my side in her dramas.
I stopped speaking to her as the DDs got older and he hasn't spoken to her for a couple of months.

Hollyhop17 · 22/08/2017 16:58

My MIL is a nice person and not interfering at all. My problem is quite the opposite. She favours my her daughter over my DH and it has now spilled over into our children. My SIL's son is definitely favoured over my DS. I think she has always prefered her daughter to her son. I'm sad my son may now miss out or realise he isn't the favourite...

PenelopeCrayon · 22/08/2017 17:10

Solaris- wow that was a lot of vitriol. My kids are poor fuckers and you know my agenda? Shock

I didn't intend it to be a rantette. I just felt that I hopefully won't be "one of those MILs" as the OP asked, because I accept that my sons will grow up and become independent and I want DH and I to teach them to cook, and clean, and not expect a woman to do it for them. If there are girlfriends on the scene I will be welcoming and I hope my sons will still want to spend time with me, and that my DILs will know I don't judge them for working, not working, how they feed their children etc.

stalkingfred · 22/08/2017 17:12

I think all men should be brought up to be as feminist as they can. Why are they poor fuckers if they view women as equal and don't expect her to do the 'women's work'? I would hope in this day and age all our sons are being raised feminist.

solarisIsAClassic · 22/08/2017 17:18

stalkingfred

There's a huge problem with your premise there.

PenelopeCrayon

Vitriol? Really? How old are your children? Have you labelled their political persuasion as well?

Seriously, you think the issue with unpleasant MiLs comes down to men expecting to marry a cook and cleaner?

stalkingfred · 22/08/2017 17:20

I see what you're saying. All I'm saying in return is that I would like to bring my son up to not be a massive sexist arse. I hope I can at least achieve that. Feminist is obviously not the right word.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2017 17:28

" She suggested me and her go shopping for my wedding dress together, and when I told her my mum was buying it, she said "oh we can send her a link to the one we pick!" Um, no."

Is that "wildly disrespectful"? Sounds to me as if she thought your mum was paying but not going shopping.......

solarisIsAClassic · 22/08/2017 17:33

"Feminist is obviously not the right word."

I agree. It's been ruined.

I don't think anyone wants to bring their children up to be sexist arses and modern feminism seems incredibly sexist. I think that both my sons are growing up to treat everyone equally. I also hope they understand the relevance of egalitarianism to general discussions about something entirely unrelated i.e. none.

We all know someone who likes to steer a conversation onto their pet topic. I hope my children understand enough about socialising to avoid this. By socialising correctly, people become empathetic and don't need to be labeled as 'feminist' or other nonsense.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2017 17:33

"Feminist is obviously not the right word."

It absolutely is the right word! My problem is that you seem to be thinking of mils as if they were bringing up their children in the 1950s! Most of mils with youngish grandchildren are very much of the first wave feminist generation.

PenelopeCrayon · 22/08/2017 17:35

Solaris- what? I really don't get what you're trying to say. I have two young boys, I'm a SAHM. I have empathy for women like my MIL for whom raising her sons was her raison d'être, and I obviously adore my sons as well. But I recognise that for my MIL, she smothered her sons and got angry when they did anything for themselves. I love doing things for my sons now, and indeed my husband, but as they get older, even though I might be happy to cook all their meals, do all their washing etc, I feel that I should encourage them to do things for themselves, even if that makes me feel less "needed." I also want to make sure I have a fulfilling life of my own. I want my sons to be happy, even if that means they make choices I wouldn't, and I want our relationship to be based on love. I don't want any DILs to feel that I'm judging them, or putting myself on a pedestal or putting my sons on a pedestal. I'm a decent person, I just want to have a happy, healthy relationship with my sons and their future families!

Ecureuil · 22/08/2017 17:37

My MIL is 60, thinks its scandalous that I don't iron DH's work shirts and calls me a 'very lucky lady' because DH cooks.
Luckily DH has managed to avoid growing up a sexist arse.

MadMags · 22/08/2017 17:39

My sister is going to be a nightmare MIL. She's emotionally manipulative, guilts her dc into pandering to her already, and makes literally every situation about her.

I love her but she's very hard work.

I foresee her causing a lot of problems.