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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MILs

101 replies

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 22/08/2017 07:29

Do we think some women start behaving the way described in these threads when they become MILs, or were they always unpleasant women? If the latter, which of us will become that type of MIL?

OP posts:

lynmilne65 · 22/08/2017 09:10

I am a perfect mil !!!

Original poster

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 22/08/2017 09:12

I think that it's easy to spot unreasonable behaviour in others but difficult to spot in oneself (I'm working very hard to stop being a hypocrite myself!). I think some DILs will become the MIL they currently complain of but fail to see their own negative traits. Human nature eh.

OP posts:

PandorasXbox · 22/08/2017 09:15

I think it's down to both women, the DIL and the MIL. It's not just a case of the DIL being sweetness and light and the MIL an utter cow imo.

WhooooAmI24601 · 22/08/2017 09:34

In my experience it may be a generational thing. When my MIL had her DCs she was at home with them. She kept house and continued to be a SAHM throughout their teens. Some of my friends MIL's are the same and haven't ever worked. MILs friends were also mainly SAHM's. Her network was those who led similar lives. Women her generation didn't regularly divorce their DHs, either, so I'd guess that a higher proportion of affairs and indiscretions were overlooked, leading to great unhappiness.

So you have a generation whee a large proportion of women didn't work, didn't have financial freedom or independence, spent the majority of their time judging themselves and others on the state of their homes and never really putting themselves first.

Jump forward to the DIL's in their thirties now and many more have degrees, great jobs, financial independence, self-esteem stemming from more than the state of their house and access to so much more. They travel, they are leaving marriage and babies til later, they don't rely on a man. It's not hard to see why some MILs feel that their DILs are doing it all wrong, or why some DILs are sneery at their know-nothing MILs. Everything has changed in a fairly short amount of time and those changes must be difficult for both sides.

RudeDog · 22/08/2017 09:36

I don't think my MIL knew how to deal with women (she had 3 sons).

She expected my 'role' was to become a carbon copy of her and do all the things she told me to (which I didn't - none of it)
This included cancelling holidays to places she wouldn't go and rebook to where she went every year (she sulked for months about that) . It was literally about everything and was exhausting (esp as I wouldn't do what I was told )

Ironically it was a very similar relationship she had with her own MIL, which had made her miserable?!?!

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2017 09:45

I think it is a mistake to expect anything but a cordial relationship with your mil. Her primary relationships in the family are with her son and grandchildren. Why on earth would you expect a close relationship with a woman who is from a different generation, and may well be from a completely different background to you? Lovely if you do, but incredibly unlikely. So aim for cordial and be delighted with any more. And be pleased that your partner and children has someone else in their lives to love them and watch their backs.

Original poster

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 22/08/2017 09:57

WhooooamI, very good point. I expect that this type of tension will always exist as our own children grow up in a different world to that we did. I've had 3 partners mums to deal with. The first when I was early 20's and now I have no idea why I used to grumble about the things she did because she was helping, not interfering. The second couldn't speak English nor me her language and from how I saw her friendships play out, that was probably for the best. My current one (I'm now 45) is an absolute sweetheart and a wine buddy

OP posts:

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 22/08/2017 10:01

From a MiL perspective, I try very hard not to interfere, to be supportive, to help out if asked. They live a few hours away, so it's not difficult on a day to day basis.

They are their own people. They will make the decisions based on what they think is best for them and it doesn't matter if we don't agree- it's their choice. Whether it's where to live or how to raise the children, they must do what they choose. If asked, I might offer an opinion, but would never pressurise I hope. It helps that I like them very much.

Peachyking000 · 22/08/2017 10:08

Mine is lovely, and never says a bad word about anyone. She doesn't enjoy looking after her grandchildren, though this doesn't affect me as my only DC is from a previous relationship and my parents are very hands on. She treats my DC equally to her biological GC which I think is lovely.

futureMIL · 22/08/2017 10:09

I fear I'll become 'one of those MIL' I like to be in control and organise everything. However having a MIL who subtly interferes I'm well aware of how much a nightmare it is and vow not to become that person it's also made me realise how awesome my mum is

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2017 10:19

It's interesting that mil's are only approved of on Mumsnet if they basically never speak until spoken to, take a complete back seat, never offer an opinion or a suggestion, and just generally be completely self effacing and non proactive. Would it be reasonable to expect this from anyone else?

Original poster

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 22/08/2017 10:44

I think you've over simplified that Bertrand, and familial relationships are completely different to professional relationships. The only relationships I'm proactive in are with my partner and son and in those where I am a line manager or other colleague. With all other friends and family, I wait to be asked.

OP posts:

PandorasXbox · 22/08/2017 11:09

Some women are nightmares full stop. Always have been and always will be. Bertrand totally disagree with your comment about not wanting to have a relationship with MIL because of the age difference. I have some fabulous friends in their 70's.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2017 11:15

"Bertrand totally disagree with your comment about not wanting to have a relationship with MIL because of the age difference." I didn't say that-or if I did, I didn't mean that. I meant that the odds are against having a close relationship because of practical differences. Great if you do- but don't be surprised if you don't. And there isn't really a need for it. That's why I say aim for cordiality- anything else is a bonus.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2017 11:17

"With all other friends and family, I wait to be asked."
Really? Do you never invite? Or offer?

PandorasXbox · 22/08/2017 11:40

She's the grandmother of your children not the woman you see everyday waiting for the bus. Unrealistic just to expect cordiality.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2017 11:42

"Unrealistic just to expect cordiality"

Why? What else can you expect?

I emphasize expect because you can hope for more.

crookedpinky · 22/08/2017 11:52

Hard though it is to accept - since the comment may be seen as ageist - as they get older some people find it harder to accept, manage and adapt to change. The status quo, before DIL came along, is just fine thank you very much, and an inexperienced younger woman is going to take precedence especially where MILs lovely son is concerned over their dead body.

Too bad, they can accept it or not, and the ones that do understand the change in their role are worth their weight in gold. Shame there aren't more of them from the unscientific poll on MN. It doesn't reflect so well on modern womanhood that the thought of relinquishing the last bastion of power (as they see it) must be fought at all costs. Add a drop of stupidity ignorance to taste and serve.

Schvitzing · 22/08/2017 11:57

Mine's lovely but there's an ocean between us!

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2017 11:57

"It doesn't reflect so well on modern womanhood that the thought of relinquishing the last bastion of power (as they see it) must be fought at all costs. Add a drop of stupidity ignorance to taste and serve."

Blimey! Does it never cross your mind that a man can have a relationship with his wife and his mother? That he doesn't have to be forcibly detached?

Original poster

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 22/08/2017 12:01

Bertrand I do invite (both people to events and opinion) but that wasn't in your list of things that MN mums seem to expect their MIL not to do. I never offer unsolicited advice or opinion.

OP posts:

crookedpinky · 22/08/2017 12:06

Not remotely, Bertrand.

What I was meaning was the change in the relationship because the son is now part of a couple, and his DM relinquishing control as 'first woman' in her own mind if you like. I was certainly not suggesting ending the relationship between mother and son.

It could be that it's perhaps too much of an unattainable ideal for a MIL who is having trouble with change to adapt to a new role.

EivissaSenorita · 22/08/2017 12:07

You can spot the future MILs from hell a mile off in some posts. The ones who are possessive over their babies/children sets off alarm bells to me. Also the ones who complain about doing anything with their in laws e.g my DH wants to see his own mother on Mother's Day! What a bitch she had her turn! In short anyone who likes total control, future nitemare MIL.

Nomoreboomandbust · 22/08/2017 12:15

Eerrr

Excuse me but as a mil and gran in my early 50s I worked when mine were little and had a career. All my peers did too and wow most of us had degrees too imagine that!!!!

My mil worked too and was super. I don't work now but help with childcare of my grandkids.

My dils are ace as are my dds boyfriends and we all support each other but don't suffocate. We all have lives to live.

Please don't generalise.

Nice people are kind at any age and any stage b they mils/dils vile people ditto

Nomoreboomandbust · 22/08/2017 12:16

And I am eternally grateful that these sensible lovely women took on my numpty sons

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