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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think it's too soon after birth to go away and leave me on my own?

121 replies

DanaScully83 · 22/08/2017 06:46

Hi everyone I gave birth 3 1/2 weeks ago and think my hormones are making me behave slightly irrationally so please do tell me if I am BU!

After a very traumatic labour I had to have an emergency c section 3 1/2 weeks ago. LO was born at 35 weeks so it was a very worrying time.

Anyway DP has to go away for work 2 days and one night later this week. He just told me today he now needs to leave tomorrow morning and will be away 3 days now.

I'm really upset and feeling quite angry. I'm still meant to be recovering from the c section and found out today I have also developed an infection which needs antibiotics.

We're living in my DP's home country so I have no other help and support here - essentially for the next 3 days I'm on my own. I'm tired , emotional and feel quite ill from the infection. Am I BU to be angry at DP for not telling his boss he can't go? When did your DP first leave you alone after birth?

OP posts:

Hapaxlegomenon · 22/08/2017 06:51

I think it depends on the circumstance but it sounds like you aren't ready to be left with the baby on your own right now. I would feel angry/scared too. I think my DH left me for a week business trip around 4 weeks after, but I had my mum stay with me. I wouldn't have been able to be left alone at that stage X

Hapaxlegomenon · 22/08/2017 06:54

Can u call an agency and hire a nanny to help u for 3 days?

Mushroomburger17 · 22/08/2017 06:54

I absolutely could not have coped with that. Similar circumstances to you. Can anyone come to you? Family?

SockQueen · 22/08/2017 06:57

I think my DH left me overnight for work at a similar time post-partum, and it was OK. BUT I had had a straightforward vaginal birth so was probably in much better shape physically, AND my mum could come down and stay to help out. So YANBU at all to not feel ready for him to be away! Hope you can work out a way to get the support you need.

WipsGlitter · 22/08/2017 06:58

Is he back at work? Can you pin down what you need practical help with, and make a plan to address that e.g. Getting bottles made up during the night.

Or is it emotional support?

Realistically it's not always that easy to just tell an employer you can't go on a trip.

ktkaye · 22/08/2017 07:00

YANBU. He needs to stay. If you were up about and feeling on top of it all that would be different. As it is it sounds as though you are (quite rightly) in need of support at the moment. I'd also be worried about your health taking a nosedive if you don't get some rest and a chance to recover from the infection. I think sometimes partners don't realise quite how hard it all is and how tired and ill birth can make you. My OH had to go back to work 2 days after I got home from the hospital with DC. Luckily I had had a 'easy' birth but it was still all so hard and I resented him for leaving me. He needs to not go or find an acceptable alternative, do you have family who could fly over for the week? Friends? Xx

user1479669774 · 22/08/2017 07:00

Your not being unreasonable to be upset. My DS is 4 weeks old and my DH has had to go abroad for 7days for work, I'm on day 2 so far.

SilverBirchTree · 22/08/2017 07:01

YANBU - you're still recovering!

I'd be asking DP to cancel or delay the trip.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 07:01

Am I BU to be angry at DP for not telling his boss he can't go?

Sorry but YABU. He has a job to do for which he is paid.

ChilliMary · 22/08/2017 07:04

Yes, way too soon.

Hmmalittlefishy · 22/08/2017 07:04

I don't think you can compare with other people as everyone recovers differently and has different circumstances.
I would be annoyed about the timing that you haven't been able to prepare - mentally or practically ie getting in easy to make food etc
Try not to be angry it won't help just use these days to cuddle up with your baby and not much more. More planning next time

Mushroomburger17 · 22/08/2017 07:07

Sorry but YABU. He has a job to do for which he is paid

But she's three weeks post section and can probably barely walk and distance, let alone lift and push a pram. She's also got an infection. I'd imagine she's pretty much bed and housebound and needs someone to care for her. If imagine she's in a bit of a mess. Throw a new born with round the clock needs into the mix and it's a disaster.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 22/08/2017 07:07

Sorry but YABU. He has a job to do for which he is paid.

Here we go the obedient little MN worker bees.

Yanbu op. You are recovering from/ having complications after major surgery and have a newborn baby to look after. If he really has to go then you need someone else with you.

Figgygal · 22/08/2017 07:08

I had a very "easy" emcs in October and was driving again at week 4 so I probably could have coped but wouldn't have wanted to either

Figgygal · 22/08/2017 07:09

Is it really essential? What does your dh say? I'm surprised he's so blasé about it

MaryShelley1818 · 22/08/2017 07:10

I'm 23wks pregnant and my DP works away...it's part of his job role and agreed contract so saying 'no' wouldn't be an option.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2017 07:14

Not everyone can just tell work they can't do things. Is saying no an option, OP? Has he tried to delay/cancel?

Sirzy · 22/08/2017 07:17

It depends on the job a lot too some jobs it simply isn't an option not to go.

I would look at going down the nanny route, or can a relative or friend fly over to help for a short while?

If he has to go then he needs to help you find a way to be supported at the same time

welshweasel · 22/08/2017 07:19

My DH had to go away at a similar time (only for a night though). I also had a section at 35 weeks so understand how you're feeling. I arranged for a friend to come and stay, which made me feel better about it. To be honest though, it was good for me, it made me realise that I could cope well on my own.

zzzzz · 22/08/2017 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GraceGrape · 22/08/2017 07:23

My DH took my DSS away for a few days 3 weeks after DD1 was born by CS. It was his week to have him and we thought it would be good for DH to spend some time with him on his own. I was able to go to my parents' house though. If there is no other support for you (in-laws?) I think he should do his best to minimise the time away.

endofthelinefinally · 22/08/2017 07:25

If he really has to go, HE should have organised proper care for you.
You have had major abdominal surgery, complicated by infection. You have a newborn to care for.
Of course you need care and support.
Fair enough if he can't do it, but he absolutely should have organised and paid for a competent person to stay with you.

FlyingElbows · 22/08/2017 07:25

Oh do fuck off with your "worker bees" rubbish, Increasinglymiddleaged. Not everyone has the luxury of paternity leave. My husband returned to work the day after each of our children was born because if he doesn't work we don't eat. Not everyone is a salaried employee with a contract. Astonishingly enough we survived and op you'll survive too. It's not ideal but if you've got family for support then use them. If not look in to hiring professional support.

5rivers7hills · 22/08/2017 07:26

I don't think going away is an issue as losing as he puts in place appropriate support for you for the hose three days.

CosmicPineapple · 22/08/2017 07:26

If he has a choice and could delay/not go then YANBU.

If he has no choice and the trip is part of his job then YABU to be angry with him. Its not his fault.

When did your DP first leave you alone after birth?

DH went back to working nights 1 week after my csec with twins. It was fine I could walk and pick up the babies but I did not have an infection so different to your recovery.

He should help organise a nanny or mothers help if he has to work OP.

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