Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU to think it's too soon after birth to go away and leave me on my own?

121 replies

DanaScully83 · 22/08/2017 06:46

Hi everyone I gave birth 3 1/2 weeks ago and think my hormones are making me behave slightly irrationally so please do tell me if I am BU!

After a very traumatic labour I had to have an emergency c section 3 1/2 weeks ago. LO was born at 35 weeks so it was a very worrying time.

Anyway DP has to go away for work 2 days and one night later this week. He just told me today he now needs to leave tomorrow morning and will be away 3 days now.

I'm really upset and feeling quite angry. I'm still meant to be recovering from the c section and found out today I have also developed an infection which needs antibiotics.

We're living in my DP's home country so I have no other help and support here - essentially for the next 3 days I'm on my own. I'm tired , emotional and feel quite ill from the infection. Am I BU to be angry at DP for not telling his boss he can't go? When did your DP first leave you alone after birth?

OP posts:

caffeinestream · 22/08/2017 07:57

Health is important but in the real world, not everyone has jobs where you can just refuse to do certain parts of it.

OP's partner should absolutely arrange some care for her while he's away - a nanny or someone to do the housework, and he should make sure she has everything she needs within easy reach but staying off work and refusing to go might not be an option. It isn't for everyone.

Salene · 22/08/2017 07:57

I had my first and husband went back to work when baby was 3 days old and works away for 6 weeks at a time, I also have no help. Same happened when I had baby number two which was a very traumatic birth and I was left dealing with a newborn and a 2 year old

But my husband needs to work so I just had to get on with it , I don't think 2 days and 1 night is really a issue , 6 weeks on the other hand is hard.

I think you will be perfectly fine.

gingergenius · 22/08/2017 07:58

My DH (now ex) returned to work a week after (also c-section) but there were no complications and I was reasonably mobile. BUT, I didn't have an infection and although I had no family close by, I was in my country of birth, with access to friends etc so perhaps it was less scary. I do understand your perspective. Is there any way he could shorten his trip?

QuirkyGoose · 22/08/2017 07:58

Make sure there is food in the house, watch tv, listen to the radio stay in bed do very little. Lonely and not fun but it's only 3 days. I know it seems impossible but plan to do nothing. I've had 2 c sections and a husband that travels a lot, I think he went away for a week soon after my first child was born. It's rubbish but you can do it.

Original poster

DanaScully83 · 22/08/2017 07:59

Thanks for the replies everyone. I do fully appreciate I may be being BU. I think I'm more worried that he will be flying so can't come back quickly if I need him. He did have 2 weeks parental leave but since I was in labour for 5 days before the c section he had to go back to work when LO was 9 days old. I've been coping at home since then OK but only developed the infection in the last few days and I'm not feeling great. I would feel really bad about asking him not to go which is why I haven't. I think I just need to pull myself together and work out what he can do to help before he goes.

OP posts:

Headofthehive55 · 22/08/2017 08:00

I really had to spell it out to my DH that no, I couldn't look after the kids post surgery for a little while and he needed to take time off.
He thought id have a day case and be back on duty the day after!
As it happens I was kept in so that sorted that.

Salene · 22/08/2017 08:00

Oh and I also had pneumonia with 2nd birth and had to discharge myself from hospital as has no childcare and husband was due back offshore. He works in Africa and things like parental leave are none existent if he didn't return to work there would be no job to return to they would find someone else.

You don't need to leave the house if it's only 48 hours he is away.

JMKid · 22/08/2017 08:01

My now ex left me alone to go work on the night i came out of hospital after 6 days in there, having had a C section and post eclampsia. You will be fine because you won't have any choice!!

RainbowPastel · 22/08/2017 08:01

I think you are overreacting. Just do the essential things. Single parents have to do it alone from day one.

CryingMessFFS · 22/08/2017 08:05

My DH works away regularly and I was left with DS 1 week after my EMCS for 3 or 4 days. No family nearby. So I get that it's scary but if he's got to work he's got to work. I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying you don't have a right to be annoyed, I have been there so I totally get it, I really do. EMCS is so traumatic, I still have PTSD almost 4 years on. If he can somehow get off work then he should but it's not always possible. You need to deal with it because he's going to have to work away at some point. Hire help for when he's away if that is what you need.

Same situation with my second (elective c-sec this time) and was alone with a toddler and newborn something came up about 9 days after I had her and DH was away for 3 or 4 days. I honestly don't mean to sound harsh but you just need to cope. Whether that is, as others and I have said, by employing help or whatever.

Moussemoose · 22/08/2017 08:09

Wow

I lived in a cardboard box, laboured for 5 weeks, lost a leg, had an infection and I managed!

It's not a competition.

You are ill, your husband had a baby too, he shares responsibility. He,should at the very least ask the question at work. YANBU

Too all those posters who think you should just struggle on because they managed, women have always managed in much worse circumstances, but they shouldn't have to manage. They should be supported. By all of us

Lweji · 22/08/2017 08:09

Actually, I'd speak to him about the infection and the possibility of him having to cancel the trip. Alternatively, set up some support system in case you get a high fever or the infection gets worse in general.

RadioGaGoo · 22/08/2017 08:11

I have single Mum friends, all of whom had family support, RainbowPastel. The OP is in a foreign country with no support.

RainbowPastel · 22/08/2017 08:13

Cryingmess my EMCS wasn't traumatic in the slightest. It was a lovely experience. My ELCS was worse.

grasspigeons · 22/08/2017 08:16

Infections that need antibiotics are fairly serious things. If you have a temp etc, and are still recovering from surgery then you need someone else around. If this trip is essential, can he get some hired help put in place. At the very least a set of microwave meals and a taxi prepared to take you to hospital if needed and a local college to pop in and check you haven't fainted etc.

CryingMessFFS · 22/08/2017 08:17

Rainbow I wasn't saying all EMCS are traumatic but OP had a long labour followed by an EMCS and referred to the experience as traumatic in her first post which I identified with

Increasinglymiddleaged · 22/08/2017 08:19

Says someone with access to the NHS. If you live somewhere where healthcare requires to to pay then No Money = No healthcare.

I'd argue with no NHS it is more important to look after yourself, not less.

You sound more positive today op which is good. I really hope you feel properly better soon.

grasspigeons · 22/08/2017 08:20

moosemouse I couldn't agree more. I had my second in very difficult circumstances and I genuinely want everyone else to have a better time of it than that.

zzzzz · 22/08/2017 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaisyPops · 22/08/2017 08:25

YANBU to feel worried or upset.
YABU if you think he should be able to refuse not to go as he is back at work and work will probably say why are we paying you to not do your job.

If he has an understanding manager then he could ask if a trip could be postponed, but that also depends on how many people it affects. It's easier to move it if it's a 1-1 meeting, harder if he's got those days booked up with lots of clients. Worth asking, but remember he has no right to refuse to do part of his job.

notanurse2017 · 22/08/2017 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

DanaScully83 · 22/08/2017 08:33

Thanks again for your messages everyone. I think I was mainly in need of a handhold / kick up the backside. I know I will be able to cope and agree that the next few days will prove to me I am capable of it. I'm normally a very strong person and shocked by how fragile I'm feeling at the moment. I don't like feeling needy or dependent on someone else!

I guess I'm just a little bit disappointed that DP is treating it like it's no big deal. He doesn't seem at all concerned or think that it is unusual to leave me at this stage. That's why I was interested in other people's situations and whether I was being completely unreasonable.

CryingMessFFS - I was interested in your comment about PTSD and hope that you are managing to deal with this. I wonder if I may have this myself and will speak to the midwife. I've been feeling quite teary and emotional and find it very difficult to think about or talk about the birth.

OP posts:

Phalenopsisgirl · 22/08/2017 08:34

As someone who went from independent and out shopping with my new baby to very very seriously ill in hospital in about 48 hours I understand just how important it is that you are not alone. Infections are serious, it is totally inappropriate for you to be left in charge of a baby. His boss probably doesn't realise you are unwell, he should be making it clear. Anyone suggesting you should be fine clearly has no experience of a similar scenario. Yes sometimes it is possible to bounce out of hospital ready to go it alone from day one, this isn't one of those times.

AyUpMiDuck · 22/08/2017 08:38

YANBU. get agency help.

chowmeinchick · 22/08/2017 08:38

I know how horrible it is - my OH had to go away for 6 weeks no contact with the army, 4 weeks after I had a nightmare birth. I didn't have many people around but I knew there wasn't anything we could do. If he could have changed the timings, it would have been better, but a paid job is a job supporting us and I understand you can't just pick and choose everything you do at work.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread