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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's too soon after birth to go away and leave me on my own?

121 replies

DanaScully83 · 22/08/2017 06:46

Hi everyone I gave birth 3 1/2 weeks ago and think my hormones are making me behave slightly irrationally so please do tell me if I am BU!

After a very traumatic labour I had to have an emergency c section 3 1/2 weeks ago. LO was born at 35 weeks so it was a very worrying time.

Anyway DP has to go away for work 2 days and one night later this week. He just told me today he now needs to leave tomorrow morning and will be away 3 days now.

I'm really upset and feeling quite angry. I'm still meant to be recovering from the c section and found out today I have also developed an infection which needs antibiotics.

We're living in my DP's home country so I have no other help and support here - essentially for the next 3 days I'm on my own. I'm tired , emotional and feel quite ill from the infection. Am I BU to be angry at DP for not telling his boss he can't go? When did your DP first leave you alone after birth?

OP posts:
Phalenopsisgirl · 22/08/2017 08:39

Reading your last post, I had lots of those feelings of 'I'm strong, I just need to get my act together, I'm being weak' . I had them even as I my organs started failing, please don't underestimate how important it is you are looked after and under supervision until you are truely well. Don't fall into the trap of feeling you SHOULD be ok. You aren't, accept it.

SlothMama · 22/08/2017 08:39

If he has to go away for work he might have little choice, can a friend or family member come around to help out?

HelenaJustina · 22/08/2017 08:40

Haven't read whole thread but with DC4 (4 children under 6) DH went away overnight at 4 days post birth as he had to for work... it's hard but life! He'all probably be feeling guilty enough with out you piling more on!

Sorry you've had a hard time post partum, hope you feel much better soon

OliviaBenson · 22/08/2017 08:41

That's really shitty of him if he thinks it's no big deal. You are recovering from major surgery, have an infection and are dealing with a newborn.

Does he have to go?

You need to at least discuss this with him and do not feel bad about it.

Josephinelavelle · 22/08/2017 08:48

Is it possible he's feeling under immense pressure to provide for his family financially? Of course he doesn't want to leave you, but not going could put him at risk of being looked over for promotions etc.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 22/08/2017 08:50

You're 3 weeks postpartum, recovering from surgery and you've got an infection. I really don't think you should be alone for days with a newborn under these circumstances. It's not just that it sounds unnecessarily hard, there's also the risk of complications which as pp says can arise very quickly.

Of course you will probably be fine. But in the event that you aren't, it's possible that things could go really disastrously wrong in 48 hours. You need someone around to keep an eye on you, not to mention making sure you have an opportunity to rest and recover.

SolomanDaisy · 22/08/2017 08:53

I think in your circumstances you shouldn't pretend this is ok. You have an infection. It wouldn't be unusual to end up back in hospital. He needs to make sure you have support around you.

Spam88 · 22/08/2017 08:59

It's not like he's off on a lads holiday. My DH was home for 4 weeks, away for 6, home for 2 and now is away for 7. You'll manage better than you think. Just make sure you've got some easy meals there that you can just stick in the microwave.

imamouseduh · 22/08/2017 09:01

YABU. It's not ideal but I'm sure he doesn't want to be going away as much as you don't want him to. Unfortunately that's life if you want the bills to be paid.

FannyTheFlamingo · 22/08/2017 09:01

My DP left me for 2 nights approx 2 weeks after my EMCS. I was a bit sore and slow getting around, but I quite enjoyed it. DD was born at 36 weeks and was 5lb when we took her home, so she was like a doll.

Make a comfy nest, relax, watch a box set, feed, change nappies, nap, cuddle and take your painkillers. You'll be fine Flowers

Phalenopsisgirl · 22/08/2017 09:41

Just make sure you've got some easy meals there that you can just stick in the microwave.

This is of no help if the op can't stand, infection gets worse very fast, op could go from feeling a bit poorly to unable to sit up, let alone call an ambulance (and I get the impression she would be the sort of person to leave it to this point and beyond before actually calling one) in a matter of hours. Please please op, if you feel even a little unwell, remain monitored. I brushed it off as feeling 'tired', it took me 6 weeks to shake the infection it has such a vice like grip on me by the time I ended up in hospital. Take it seriously, listen to your body.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 22/08/2017 10:01

Ask your doctor's advice OP. The issue here isn't really how well you'll manage (if you're well enough I'm sure you will manage), it's how likely is it that you might find yourself developing serious complications or incapacitating fever or sepsis and be unable to look after either yourself or your baby.

Moussemoose · 22/08/2017 10:01

I really think the "I was alright' attitude is alarmingly blasé.
The OP has been through major surgery and an infection and is the primary care giver to a baby.
Childbirth and the post partum period is the most dangerous time in many women's lives. Until relatively recently - and it's still true in many parts of the world - this was the most frequent cause of death in women.
You must take care of yourself and your baby and your partner has a responsibility to do the same.

Montsti · 22/08/2017 10:03

It's a tricky one. I definitely wouldn't be happy as it's happened to me before...I have had 3 c sections (1 emergency) and soon to be 4...also mastitis a number of times etc...and dh commutes away Monday to Friday so I'm often alone...he left me a few hours after giving birth to baby no.1 as he had an important evening work function...I was alone in the hospital...he also went back to work immediately after no.2 and no.3...and definitely had some overnighters when the babies were a few weeks old.

I suppose I'm just used to it now and get on with it but it's not easy and it's not something I look forward to...I'm also abroad but luckily with no.4 my mum is going to come to stay when baby is a week old as it's tough with the other 3/school runs etc..after a c section...

I can also see your dhs side too as it is his job...did he take paternity leave? My husband technically gets a week but usuallly is in emails/calls if not out at meetings during that time so not ideal. Could someone come and help you? Do you need to go back in hospital? You mention an infection?

Babbitywabbit · 22/08/2017 10:04

You need support while he's away. If your dh really needs to do this work trip, then call on friends, relatives, neighbours. You need a support package (not necessarily the same person with you 24/7, but people around to help you out and do the stuff you physically can't do)

(And btw I wish people like the poster who made snippy comments about 'little MN worker bees' had the intelligence to realise this says more about their own work history than anyone else's. I guess if you've only ever done mundane boring jobs it's difficult to get your head round the fact that some people carry huge responsibility, and may not always be able to drop everything at work)

SuburbanRhonda · 22/08/2017 10:07

Sounds exactly the same as my experience, OP.

EMCS after 18 hours labour, DH had a conference in France for a week when DD was three weeks old. She was two weeks late so he thought he'd be fine. My DM was ill so couldn't come to help and MIL was neither use nor ornament.

It's doable, but tough, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

SuburbanRhonda · 22/08/2017 10:08

Oh, and I had mastitis while he was away Sad

Montsti · 22/08/2017 10:16

Fwiw I found it much more daunting being left overnight with my 1st baby even though looking back it was technically easier...

The first is a huge life changer - it's really tough! Ask for help though and tell dh how you're feeling. Maybe he can postpone the trip? If not, can you get him to organize a night nurse/nanny for an extra hand while he's away?

Josephinelavelle · 22/08/2017 10:18

I did it as well, after a c section. DS arrived a month early. Then I was in hospital for a week, due to high blood pressure. By the time we got home, it had eaten into most of DP's paternity leave. It wasn't easy, but being angry would have made me feel ten times worse! I tried my best to understand the pressure he'd feel to bring an income in. Being pissed off with him would send him to work in a bad mood, could effect his work performance and ultimately our income.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 22/08/2017 10:19

YANBU, not at all.

KingscoteStaff · 22/08/2017 10:30

Hello Dana,

Get on the phone today and talk to a maternity nurse agency - they will send you 3 or 4 CVs, you could meet 2 and then pick one to be with you for the time DH is away. Apart from moral support, she will also give you lots of encouragement about how well you're doing with your baby.

I was in exactly your situation and this is what we did. I probably could have coped, but this made life so much easier. We stayed in touch with her and she came back for our second baby.

Lweji · 22/08/2017 10:31

I'm more with the OP, having a job myself that occasionally requires trips that can't be postponed and are important.
In fact, I interrupted my maternity leave (just 4 months) to go to a conference overnight.

However, it's not that frequently that people absolutely can't Skype or pass it on to someone else.

If I had to leave my baby with my partner or any other adult who had an infection, I'd make sure they were happy with it or had a support system in place.

ittakes2 · 22/08/2017 10:38

I had emergency C section with twins at 36 weeks. Lost 2litres of blood, had womb infection for 3 months. You can cope for three days without your hubby - but you are not being unreasonable not feeling like you can.

trulybadlydeeply · 22/08/2017 10:40

I'm sure all will go well and you can snuggle up with your baby and do as little as possible. However would it ease your mind a little to create a back up plan for some of the main "what ifs"?

Do you speak the language of the country you are in, if not, are you in contact with anyone who can do any necessary translation for you?

Can you get to hospital/ doctor should you or your baby need to?

Does he have any family nearby that you know, that would be happy to be contacted at any time of day or night, and that you can communicate with (if there are language barriers) or any friends that you have made that would be willing to be on an emergency contact with?

I have been in a similar situation OP, in a very different country and culture, and with a DH who travelled a great deal. Both pre and post birth it helped to know what I would do if I needed help, and who would be happy to be contacted. I always had a list of names and numbers, essential words and phrases etc.

minoandolphin · 22/08/2017 10:44

Please ignore everyone telling you to get on with things. You have had surgery and now have an infection. If you push yourself you could make yourself seriously ill.

If your Dh had abdominal surgery, and subsequently developed an infection, would you leave him alone in a country where he had no family support with a baby and expect him to suck it up and get on with it? Would anyone do this - it seems unlikely.

He needs to at least ask work. If they are insistent he goes, then he needs to sort out support for you. Please, please don't think you're being weak to ask for help, or that you need to 'pull yourself together'. Infections won't heal by force of will, they heal by you being looked after.