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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think it's too soon after birth to go away and leave me on my own?

121 replies

DanaScully83 · 22/08/2017 06:46

Hi everyone I gave birth 3 1/2 weeks ago and think my hormones are making me behave slightly irrationally so please do tell me if I am BU!

After a very traumatic labour I had to have an emergency c section 3 1/2 weeks ago. LO was born at 35 weeks so it was a very worrying time.

Anyway DP has to go away for work 2 days and one night later this week. He just told me today he now needs to leave tomorrow morning and will be away 3 days now.

I'm really upset and feeling quite angry. I'm still meant to be recovering from the c section and found out today I have also developed an infection which needs antibiotics.

We're living in my DP's home country so I have no other help and support here - essentially for the next 3 days I'm on my own. I'm tired , emotional and feel quite ill from the infection. Am I BU to be angry at DP for not telling his boss he can't go? When did your DP first leave you alone after birth?

OP posts:

Kittychatcat · 22/08/2017 10:51

Has your DH even asked his work if he can delay the trip? Have you asked him if he absolutely has to go?

Yanbu to be upset. Don't feel that you have to be brave or strong while you are recovering from the infection. If DH has no choice to go away for work get a maternity nurse for 3 days (and nights!) so that you are being looked after properly.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 22/08/2017 10:52

What country are you in? Can you speak the language?

If you were in your home country I'd say you really just have to crack on, but given you're not & you have an infection - which can make you very ill, very quickly, and no family or friends, I think you should at least ask him not to go. If it would majorly affect his employment, then you need someone you can call, night or day, if you need help.

It's scary being in a foreign country when you're ill, let alone when you're in a vulnerable position with a newborn to care for.

Don't be too stoic 💐

AnnieAnoniMouse · 22/08/2017 10:55

ittakes2. Were you in a foreign country, with no friends or family and did 'hubby' go away for 3 days?

Kittychatcat · 22/08/2017 11:10

I've just realised that your baby is premature too on top of everything else you have to deal with! Your DH is being very unfair if he hasn't asked to postpone the trip. Is he usually a kind, supportive person?

Nousernameforme · 22/08/2017 11:43

Make sure midwife is aware that he is away for a few days see if they can up your monitering. Can you get a friend to check in? I would be more worried about the infection. I am sure you will cope otherwise

endofthelinefinally · 22/08/2017 13:01

Do we know if there are any midwives or post natal care in the country OP is in?
She has already said there are no friends or family.

Merida83 · 22/08/2017 18:18

YANBU
i'm due for c-section in a few weeks time, there is no way in hell i'd be letting my dh bugger off for 3 days 2 nights. i don't care if its for work.

it would be a different thing entirely if you had family or friends who could stay and help you out etc but you are less then 4 weeks post major abdominal surgery, and now you have an infection as well. that alone takes its toll but you have a tiny newborn to care for (who based on when he was born is not even due yet!)

i'd be bloody livid if i was you and would absolutely expect dh to tell his boss that there is no way at all that he can do overnight work trips at the minute.

hope he sees sense!
hope you feel better soon too!

PurpleMinionMummy · 22/08/2017 18:34

Yanbu. I was going to say you were just from the title but as you've had a prem baby and a c section you most definitely aren't!

Jobs are important but nothing is more important than your families health. Obviously it's not ideal, but if it was your dh who was recovering from an op, they'd work around it, the same way they could work around it now when you need him around just for a little bit longer

Original poster

DanaScully83 · 22/08/2017 23:59

Thanks again everyone for your responses. I often read threads on here and wondered what happended so just wanted to give a quick update.

Well he has left this morning so it's just me and the LO for the next few days! I spke to my midwfe and explained the situation and she's going to pop in tomorrow and Friday to check on me.

I think partly this is my fault as I didn't ask DP to stay - I should have but I didn't want to put him in a difficult position. I guess part of me was just hoping that he would come to his senses and make other arrangements. He's travelling to a work event which has been scheduled for a while - my original due date was 27 August so he didn't think he'd be able to go but when LO arrived early he decided he would. I'm disappointed in that decision but he'd have to have left us sooner or later and the next few days will help me gain confidence that I can cope. It's funny - I'm so used to being strong and capable in life but having a baby is so completely different - you can't prepare yourself for it!

I'm going to get as much rest as possible in the next few days and have some trashy TV lined up in Netflix. Fingers crossed the antibiotics deal with the infection quickly and I'll feel back to normal in a few days. I've realised I need to be kind to myself whilst I'm recovering and not put myself under pressure to be superwoman!

Thanks again MN - you've made me realise (1) I can cope and (2) I wasn't being a completely irrational awful person for feeling how I was.

OP posts:

Haudyerwheesht · 23/08/2017 00:19

I don't think yabu but I also think you can do this. Dh had to go away for a week when dd was 4 weeks and ds was 3. I'd had a shit delivery but not a c section admittedly and I was really panicky about him going but actually I was fine and it gave me some confidence in myself - I hope you find the same. Use the next few days for just bonding and relaxing - don't worry about anything other than you and the baby. I'd give my right arm to have one on one time with my baby again!

Oraiste · 23/08/2017 00:20

I'm glad you feel better and I'm glad that your midwife is aware and checking on you but please if you start to feel worse get checked out sooner rather than later. As said by others on the thread, infections can get worse very quickly.

Saying that, you probably will be fine and it will be a lovely time with new born cuddles and trashy TV.

But absolutely nothing wrong with having a wobble when you're not feeling well, especially with a wee one to look after too.

ohtheholidays · 23/08/2017 00:21

I'm glad your doing okay,please make sure that in the furture if you need something from your DP that you ask for it you don't want to feel any resentment because he didn't think to stay at home(I've done exactly that in the past more than once)and make sure your being kind to yourself don't do anymore than you need to do for you and your baby,try and rest as much as you can eat and drink well and make sure to tell your Midwife/GP how your really feeling,I had PTSD after the birth of one of my DC and I carried on without any extra help for far to long after the birth.

I hope your all healed soon

CatastropheKate · 23/08/2017 00:37

I had a crap emcs, epidural went wrong, then lost a lot of blood, got an infected wound etc etc. I was in hospital for 10 days, then physically unable to do much for a good few weeks after that. I had to go hospital everyday for the wound to be dressed but was unable to drive.

Luckily dh was home for the first couple of weeks (we'd decided that he'd only start paternity once I was home, bloody glad we did) and his work is local and hours flexible so he could pop back to take me to hospital everyday.

You need to have help on hand. You might not need to use it, but you must have somebody on call to help you. I really hope this doesn't happen, but I ended up so weak from the infection that I could barely lift the baby.

I can't comment on whether your husband should be going - it depends on his job/boss etc etc. But he is going, and you need to be prepared. Good luck.

CatastropheKate · 23/08/2017 00:39

Bit of a crossed post with your update that he's gone. Glad to hear that your midwife is helping though, enjoy your baby.

ChasedByBees · 23/08/2017 00:40

Do you have any other support in place OP? It sounds like you might be in the UK - there could be recommendations of local help if you need it.

Italiangreyhound · 23/08/2017 00:54

Dana

I hope the next couple of days will go OK. I was in hospital when I had my post C-section infection. So I can't quite believe your dh has gone off and left you to it!

"I think partly this is my fault as I didn't ask DP to stay" No, it is not your fault, I would hope most people would realise post surgery and an infection you should not be left alone in charge of a potted plant, let alone a baby!

"I should have but I didn't want to put him in a difficult position." I really think you and dh need to discuss what is expected and be prepared to speak up in future.

"I guess part of me was just hoping that he would come to his senses and make other arrangements." So now you know he is not very observant or just doesn't think things through, or does not care much. I sincerely hope it is one of the first two and he will be able to work on this.

"He's travelling to a work event which has been scheduled for a while - my original due date was 27 August so he didn't think he'd be able to go but when LO arrived early he decided he would."

he decided he would? Did he ask you what you thought? Did you not at any point say or point out how abnormal disheartening off overnight when your wife has just had a baby is? Please do be honest with him.

"I'm disappointed in that decision but he'd have to have left us sooner or later and the next few days will help me gain confidence that I can cope." Coping when well and coping when recovering from major surgery and an infection are two different hings.

You are now a mum and need to put your and your baby above other things, IMHO.

"It's funny - I'm so used to being strong and capable in life " I think you are still strong, having had an infection like this, it was incredibly hard.

" I've realised I need to be kind to myself whilst I'm recovering and not put myself under pressure to be superwoman!" Absolutely you have already made a human being, you are already superwoman.

Italiangreyhound · 23/08/2017 00:55

disappearing not disheartening!

Lweji · 23/08/2017 01:23

He's travelling to a work event which has been scheduled for a while - my original due date was 27 August so he didn't think he'd be able to go but when LO arrived early he decided he would.

So, he didn't really have to go, did he?

You will have to let him know that, having responsibility over a baby, he is to check with you if it's ok to travel and not just assume you'll be there.

Italiangreyhound · 23/08/2017 01:35

Completely agree with Lweji - he didn't need to go and should not assume he can just leave you to it.

LakieLady · 23/08/2017 07:52

That bit made me take a sharp intake of breath, too, Lweji and Italian Greyhound.

Thinking he'd be able to go because the baby was early, despite you having an EMCS and a prem newborn is making me wonder if he really gets what a difficult time this is and how much the two of you need support. And that's without factoring in the infection.

I'd definitely be getting some paid help in the house, whether it be a nanny, au pair or just someone popping in daily to keep on top of the housework and make sure you're ok.

Neutrogena · 23/08/2017 08:09

Some people put work first.
You need to consider your future relationship to know you and baby are always going to be down the list of his priorities.

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