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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's too soon after birth to go away and leave me on my own?

121 replies

DanaScully83 · 22/08/2017 06:46

Hi everyone I gave birth 3 1/2 weeks ago and think my hormones are making me behave slightly irrationally so please do tell me if I am BU!

After a very traumatic labour I had to have an emergency c section 3 1/2 weeks ago. LO was born at 35 weeks so it was a very worrying time.

Anyway DP has to go away for work 2 days and one night later this week. He just told me today he now needs to leave tomorrow morning and will be away 3 days now.

I'm really upset and feeling quite angry. I'm still meant to be recovering from the c section and found out today I have also developed an infection which needs antibiotics.

We're living in my DP's home country so I have no other help and support here - essentially for the next 3 days I'm on my own. I'm tired , emotional and feel quite ill from the infection. Am I BU to be angry at DP for not telling his boss he can't go? When did your DP first leave you alone after birth?

OP posts:
kateandme · 22/08/2017 07:28

ok I'm assuming sinc eyour posting this now hes deff decide to go? in which case instead of getting your more upset talking bout your fears can we help in getting you feeling more in control for tomorrow?
do yoi need shopping getting in by dh or online shop.does he need to lift anything to within your reaches.
petrol putting in car?
calling on friends or family to come down in this emergency.
getting some playlist/movies in place.
nanny service or health visitor.
any nice neighbours in your area to call on.
I am not belittling you feel horrid bout this I just don't want your today to be filled with being terrified and then hes still gone tomorrow and your left with fear and no practical help or guidance put in place.
does your other half no how you feel.could you sit down with him and as calmly as possible tell him like you have us how scared you are.could he put it off or shorten the trip perhaps.just let him in.even talking to him might help you mnage it because your still together on it.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 07:28

Here we go the obedient little MN worker bees

Here we go with the ridiculous unnecessary comments.

CakesRUs · 22/08/2017 07:29

I had c sections for all 3 of mine, hubby was back at work after 2 weeks for all of them.

missmapp · 22/08/2017 07:29

My DH worked away from Mon to Fri every week when I had DS1 , so after 2 weeks off he went back to doing the same and I was on my own. It was hard, but we coped. HOWEVER, it was in my home country, I hadn't had a c section and I was used to him being away .

As you are still recovering and have now developed an infection, I understand why you need him closer.

MeUnreasonableOrHim · 22/08/2017 07:30

In ordinary circumstances I'd say YABU but with an infection you are absolutely NBU. Postpartum infections can get out of hand very quickly. Is there a friend or neighbour who might be able to check in on you? Or a family member who can come to you at very short notice?

Oly5 · 22/08/2017 07:30

I agree that many people can't just say no to their boss. It jinn the issue is you feel you need extra support. Who else can provide it other than your DH - use a nanny agency, ask a friend?

Cherrytart6 · 22/08/2017 07:31

He needs to pay for a mothers help in his absence because you're poorly and struggling. It would be different if you weren't.

SonicBoomBoom · 22/08/2017 07:31

Doesn't sound like he's putting any support in place though, he's just going in the morning.

I was still under house arrest and finding it very painful to stand at 3 weeks PP, so I wouldn't have wanted to be alone, but I'd have coped for one night.

FritzDonovan · 22/08/2017 07:32

YANBU. What kind of paternity leave did/does he get?
My OH, being in the forces, was away from a couple of weeks old for each of my kids, although I had a natural birth with stitches (and mastitis) not a caesarean, which is much more difficult I imagine. It is only three days though, so he could stock up with microwaveable meals, nappies etc before he goes, and you wouldn't actually have to go anywhere or do anything apart from care for dc for this time. You might be a bit stir crazy at the end of it, and YANBU to be annoyed!

kateandme · 22/08/2017 07:34

remember too I think a dad would feel awful as you do for having to leave.but hes doing this as part of your being together making money for your living costs.
it doesn't matter other have coped.your really struggling scared right now and that ok. but do you deff not think youll manage or is your fears covering your strength right now.is there anyway you think you can get strength to get through.
your being very brave btw.keep going if you canxx

Cherrytart6 · 22/08/2017 07:34

My DP had to go back to working away two weeks after the birth but each time I was recovered and had friends family I could call upon.

kimball · 22/08/2017 07:34

I think it depends on what the work/life balance culture is in your country of residence. In Asia, where wider family support is still the norm I think it would have been very hard for your DH to say no to your boss. However, if you live in Europe or a country where employee rights are more established then I think maybe he should have at least tried to postpone the trip.

It sounds a pretty awful situation to be honest and I can see why you are upset. Would it be possible to find a maternity nurse for the time he's away?

Neutrogena · 22/08/2017 07:37

Throw money at the problem and get in some hired help for a few days.
Easily done and problem solved.

fuzzywuzzy · 22/08/2017 07:40

You're living in your DP's home country?

Do you have RL support of family/friends, people you're comfortable around to see you in a vulnerable state who can help out if need?

You need emergency back up, just in case.

Do you have everything you'll need for the three days he will be away, food, etc

Also how long would it take for him to get back to you if it was needed?

I'd be unhappy about DP going away to work whilst I was in his home country and unwell and feeling vulnerable.

endofthelinefinally · 22/08/2017 07:41

OP has clearly stated that she is in her DH's home country and has zero support.
He absolutely has a responsibility to arrange appropriate care for her before he goes away.

Polichinelle · 22/08/2017 07:44

Is his family there? Even an old or young person would be of help. At least they can entertain the baby, wash up and things like that. Otherwise have you asked the neighbours if they know anyone you can hire? Do you speak the language?

Increasinglymiddleaged · 22/08/2017 07:44

piglet the unnecessary comment was yours not mine. You are the one telling a woman recovering from major surgery she IBU for expecting a bit of consideration from DH.

I think tbh the culture, whether he has to go or not is irrelevant. The OP is not well and needs support at the moment. So either he says he can't go or he sources help by paying it's as simple as that. It's consideration or lack of that is the issue here.

SeaCabbage · 22/08/2017 07:46

I think it is one of those situations where if your husband will acknowlegde that he is asking a lot of you then that will help.

I also think that you could look upon it as three days of loneliness which will come to an end. Presumably he has been back to work already?

I wouldn't suggest necessarily a nanny for those days but some sort of helper for you so that you can stay in bed and have someone bring you food etc and be company. It is short notice but do you think you could find an agency?

caffeinestream · 22/08/2017 07:46

Here we go the obedient little MN worker bees

Or maybe they're people who recognise that not everyone has jobs where you can just refuse to do certain aspects of it at the last minute! If your job involves travelling and you are back from paternity leave, most jobs would insist you either a) travel, b) book holiday or c) use unpaid parental leave and not everyone can afford unpaid time off so soon after the birth.

But yeah, it's because they're "obedient little worker bees" not because they have bills to pay and a family to feed Hmm

Increasinglymiddleaged · 22/08/2017 07:49

Ooh some more Hmm. Health absolutely has to come first. Otherwise there's not much point in having money really.

indigox · 22/08/2017 07:50

I'm 23wks pregnant and my DP works away...it's part of his job role and agreed contract so saying 'no' wouldn't be an option.

Hardly the same as this situation.

Headofthehive55 · 22/08/2017 07:54

I think you need someone else there.
I don't think people realise how major surgery can affect you.
I've had an easy birth - could easily have driven myself home but I've also had major surgery and that's different.

LucyLocketLostIt · 22/08/2017 07:55

YANBU

Ceto · 22/08/2017 07:55

I had c sections for all 3 of mine, hubby was back at work after 2 weeks for all of them

Cakes, did he go away overnight, did you have an infection, and were you in your own country?

cdtaylornats · 22/08/2017 07:56

Health absolutely has to come first. Otherwise there's not much point in having money really.

Says someone with access to the NHS. If you live somewhere where healthcare requires to to pay then No Money = No healthcare.