Partner doesn't want me to do another degree, and I'm starting to feel resentful

[ela2]

I feel like I made a big mistake with my first degree. I've done my a levels in both science and non-science subjects, but because of various influences at young age I decided to go for a liberal arts subject. I've been regretting it for the last 10 years and I've been dreaming of qualifying in a more science based subject.

Up until three years ago I was in unstable relationships and had to support myself, so I wasn't able to do much towards this dream. I have just been working hard, collecting money and in the end managed to purchase a small house. When I got with my partner he was on a similar salary to me. We have since got engaged and had a child. My partner has also received a massive pay rise and is now on £60k.

I'm going back to work after maternity, four days a week, in two weeks. Since I felt we'd be rather comfortable on our combined salaries I started to explore my options for further education.

Basically the problem is - I'm constantly facing opposition from my partner. Initially I wanted to take a year out (in a year's time) to do a masters. He pretty much had a panic attack and told me it won't work financially (btw he wasn't worried about the postgraduate loan - just living costs.) I then said perhaps I could do an accounting BSc part time at a local uni. Again he started suggesting some "other options" like a cheap distance learning course (at a crappy uni.) Okay, I considered and agreed. Then he's done further research and is now suggesting I completely forego the degree and just do accounting qualifications with CIMA (again, because it's cheaper.) He is also suggesting that I wouldn't even need to take any time out (I mean in the evenings) for learning since "you can just study when you have quiet periods at work."

I feel like he is being unfair and expects that if I do something like that it has to be on the cheap (ideally free), while working near full time and doing most of childcare. I understand he is concerned about money but it's not like I won't be contributing at all. I feel like he would ideally want me to stay at my current job, work there full time to bring money so we can both save to fulfil his dream - a big house in the countryside. I already bought the house we live in, and I feel like I've been working long enough in my unsatisfying job just for money to now allow myself an opportunity to re-qualify. Plus it's not like I want to pursue a career as a painter, this would be a good long term investment for us as my earning potential would increase once qualified.

Ive told him all of this, and he "gets it" in theory but in practise still presents either with panic attacks or silent treatment whenever I discuss these plans with him.

He is otherwise an amazingly caring man, very family orientated and kind. I don't know if I'm beating unreasonable and selfish by wanting this for myself. I calculated that if I do the distance learning accounting and self finance it, we'd still be able to save £20k next year - but he still says no. I don't know what to think anymore.

Even with the expense we'd still be able to save about £20k next year, plus I'd be earning £26k

If you earnings are 26k, Do you mean he'd be able to save 20k? Because if your earning 26k I'm not sure how you'd save 20k or anything near that...

The bits where you say he seems to be all about the money you contribute are rather offputting. And , if you not only don't care about a house in the country but bought your current house solo , I really don't see why you should contribute so much savings to this plan, if he won't also support your dreams. I would in your position probably say I don't care about the house in the country, and if you won't support my trying to shift my career forward so why do you expect my complete support for your goals? I'd like to cancel the house buying plans to make it easier for me to study.

Good post. He wants you to be working to contribute to his dream, your house contributes to his dream, what is he contributing to your dream?

I work with a lot of accountancy employers. I'm also a careers adviser. As many others have said, these firms recruit from all and any degree background. One manager told me he preferred arts graduates to business because they were better conversationalists and "the rest of it we can train"! Doing another degree will really not help you become an accountant.

That said I was really struck by what you said about not really knowing the full ins and outs of the job. Don't make a commitment to further study without fully researching the role you think you want to go into. Go and interview a bunch of accountants - maybe PM a few of the people who've responded on this thread? It will really help you understand exactly what you're getting yourself in to - the good, the bad and the ugly.

Would something like this work? www.gov.uk/guidance/civil-service-fast-track-apprenticeship-finance

I know it would mean a drop in pay but it would give you work experience and a qualification ? A lot of companies are paying a government levey meaning they can access apprentice training for no extra cost - would there be some way you could access that through your current employer?

Some interesting perspectives here.

Personally I would find it hard to support a partner studying unless they were 100% sure on what they wanted to study and why. You mention a few different possibilities, as opposed to one clear dream/path/area of interest. Could that be why he has concerns?

Yet another accountant here (ACA and law degree so not really that relevant). I started in practice but now work in industry. Rather than a further degree I would research the various routes to qualify in either industry (generally ACCA or CIMA) with practical experience in one company where, if you find communicating difficult, you may be more in your comfort zone or in practice (generally ACA or ACCA) where you would see a broad range of businesses but may not spend too long in any one. Once you've qualified most employers don't mind which qualification you have unless you plan to spend your career in practice.

I qualified with, and have recruited people with, degrees in everything from creative writing to biochemistry. An accounting degree was a rarity and not particularly sought after. I was warned against doing an MSc in International Accounting as it wouldn't help me to get a job and may potentially make my experience seem narrower.

The first stage of CIMA is online and the exams can be taken anytime. It may be worth discussing with your employer and getting a couple of these under your belt to show that you're serious and to ensure that the workload is manageable with a family.

I would also echo some of the other comments about a mentor. They can be very helpful in organising thoughts, advising on areas of weakness etc.

I'm a single (lone) parent of 4 DC and about to embark on a 3 year degree course having spent last year doing an Access to HE diploma.
Yes it's hard work and relentless but there's a goal to aim for and it's not forever.

Go for it. If you don't do it, you'll always wish you had and that will lead to resentment.

I'm following a dream I've had for years but never been able to realise before. And I'm 49.

An accountancy degree is pretty pointless in your situation. You really would be better going down the professional qualification route.

I think this question of further study is highlighting something important to figure out in your relationship. There's lots of good advice here about the right routes to pursue in terms of education. Now, what about your partner? If you had a clearer goal in mind, would he be supportive? Why or why not? And why is he not supportive now in principle, as you work towards figuring out what you want to do?

If you were single, what would you do?

How much housework does your partner do now?

You've already got a house that you've bought allowing him to save. This is a small ask. But before any of that why would you be expected to do most of the child care as well as work nearly full time? It's one or the other surely?

He sounds manipulative, acting like you're going to have a panic attack because your partner wants to go to uni, when you're hardly bread line is also a red flag to me

Part of the problem might be that you haven't made any real case for why you want a science degree. If you'd said, 'I've had a burning desire to be a dentist since I was 5. It would be hard work but as a family it would make us much more financially secure', I could get why you wanted to return to study, but it sounds like you just want another degree for the sake of it. Accountancy and IT are very different subjects (although both are very demanding) and you need to think carefully about the benefits of doing them. It sounds like there's no point in doing a degree in accountancy as it makes more sense to go down the professional route, and you can do a one year MSc. in IT if you have a degree in another subject (though you will probably need at least a B in A level maths). I did the MSc. In IT and it was ridiculously intensive. I would have found it impossible to do with children. Think longer term about what you want then make the case for doing the training you need to get there.

I have completed my degree with 3 children, one with SEN on my own, whilst working full time.

It's very hard and my youngest is only a toddler. It's doable though if you want it bad enouh.

There are two separate issues here, your choice of study and how helpful it would be to you and your careeer and secondly, your relationship with your partner.

This is your life too and if you want to study and aren't keen on the big house in the country, now is the time to really talk. If his worry is financial and you want to study finance further, how difficult would it be for you to cost out your plan? Financial cost benefit analysis aside, it sounds like you might have some fundamental differences in how you want to live your life and how you envision your future. You understandably don't want to make such a huge sacrifice (not studying) for his big house in the country dream. Which means, you are both going to have to compromise with good grace or let resentment poison your relationship.

I think he should move out and get his big house in the country, to be honest, leaving you free to spend your time and money as you wish. He would do some childcare that way too.

Don't bother with an accountancy degree if you are looking to be an accountant.
Training contract is by far the best way to go as you can't qualify without the 3 years experience anyway. You'd generally be on a salary of £20-£25k + study package (and means no debt).

Not sure about the 100% online, I really valued classroom support as the exams are tough (even without a child!)

Sounds like you need to decide what your eventual career is that you want then find the most sensible path there.

Please do the course that you want to do. If you don't you will regret it and resent him.
Why does he get to have the final say?

The big house doesn't seem to be your dream...
Studying is... Really exercising those cells...

Can't he see that you'll be happier and ultimately will be earning more??

I think you're being unfair to him. Whrn you have kids these things need to be a joint decision. If you're going to be studying and not earning for 3 years that puts the burden of being the main earner onto him. I presume you'll expect him to take more of the burden of looking after the kids onto him at exam time too.

He's looking for compromises that allow you to achieve your aim of a better paid, more prestigious job with less of the financial penalty and debt that you'll incur and hopefully be qualified in a shorter period of time.

I'm afraid I can see his point if the studying is going to have an impact on the family finances. Perhaps I'm more able to understand his reasoning because we currently live in a house which we know isn't our forever home and my dh and I are working and planning towards a few years' time when we can hopefully buy a bigger, nicer house. If he unilaterally changed the plan I'd be resistant, not because I'm controlling or financially abusive but because deliberately making decisions which impact the whole family's financial planning will have an effect on everyone.

If your dh thinks you two, as a team, are working towards buying a new home then he might have been assuming that after maternity leave you'd both start getting back on an even keel. Mat leave is expensive and there is pressure in being the main or only earner.

That's not to say you shouldn't follow your dreams but there's nothing unreasonable about him asking you to consider other course options or to wait a while. Doing a degree would be a very expensive way to make yourself feel better if the real issue for you is the boredom and loss of self esteem from being at home with a baby for a year. That's a common experience and I was so glad to get back to work!

Being on maternity doesn't mean you can't contact work. You could email your manager or HR and ask about them supporting an Aat or CIMA - whatever is best fit for them/ and you.

You can suggest you discuss during a KIT day if you don't go back for ages. Do some research first on when courses start.

Bingle I think you're reading your own life into this too much.

It's not a joint plan to move to a bigger house, it's DP's dream not hers, she already has a house, which he benefits from living in.

He seems to think they're working as a team working towards his goal she has no real interest in, while being reluctant to work as a team to support OP's goal.

Studying does impact finances, but not majorly in this case. And the extra training may mean a higher salary in the long run.

I did an LLB with two young children. It was tough. It worked out OK for me because I knew exactly what I wanted and I worked extremely hard for my grades. It has worked out very well for the family, which is why I did it. When I look back, I realise just how much of a risk I was taking, both financially and in terms of the time I invested. If things hadn't worked out, the whole family would have been badly affected. I'm surrounded by older grads who can't get work, or can't get work suitable for their degree. I suspect not a few of them are people who thought a degree would automatically lead to a good career.

I would beware of the "it's your choice, follow your dream" tenor of some of the comments above. Planning properly is a very valid concern.