Partner doesn't want me to do another degree, and I'm starting to feel resentful

[ela2]

I feel like I made a big mistake with my first degree. I've done my a levels in both science and non-science subjects, but because of various influences at young age I decided to go for a liberal arts subject. I've been regretting it for the last 10 years and I've been dreaming of qualifying in a more science based subject.

Up until three years ago I was in unstable relationships and had to support myself, so I wasn't able to do much towards this dream. I have just been working hard, collecting money and in the end managed to purchase a small house. When I got with my partner he was on a similar salary to me. We have since got engaged and had a child. My partner has also received a massive pay rise and is now on £60k.

I'm going back to work after maternity, four days a week, in two weeks. Since I felt we'd be rather comfortable on our combined salaries I started to explore my options for further education.

Basically the problem is - I'm constantly facing opposition from my partner. Initially I wanted to take a year out (in a year's time) to do a masters. He pretty much had a panic attack and told me it won't work financially (btw he wasn't worried about the postgraduate loan - just living costs.) I then said perhaps I could do an accounting BSc part time at a local uni. Again he started suggesting some "other options" like a cheap distance learning course (at a crappy uni.) Okay, I considered and agreed. Then he's done further research and is now suggesting I completely forego the degree and just do accounting qualifications with CIMA (again, because it's cheaper.) He is also suggesting that I wouldn't even need to take any time out (I mean in the evenings) for learning since "you can just study when you have quiet periods at work."

I feel like he is being unfair and expects that if I do something like that it has to be on the cheap (ideally free), while working near full time and doing most of childcare. I understand he is concerned about money but it's not like I won't be contributing at all. I feel like he would ideally want me to stay at my current job, work there full time to bring money so we can both save to fulfil his dream - a big house in the countryside. I already bought the house we live in, and I feel like I've been working long enough in my unsatisfying job just for money to now allow myself an opportunity to re-qualify. Plus it's not like I want to pursue a career as a painter, this would be a good long term investment for us as my earning potential would increase once qualified.

Ive told him all of this, and he "gets it" in theory but in practise still presents either with panic attacks or silent treatment whenever I discuss these plans with him.

He is otherwise an amazingly caring man, very family orientated and kind. I don't know if I'm beating unreasonable and selfish by wanting this for myself. I calculated that if I do the distance learning accounting and self finance it, we'd still be able to save £20k next year - but he still says no. I don't know what to think anymore.

[Italiangreyhound]

OP you'be said (I think) you are still on maternity leave and very bored etc. Could this be influencing you?

It is coming across a little like resentment may be colouring your relationship. Do you love him? Does he love you?

Would relationship counselling help you both get into the right place to listen to and support each other?

Just also to say as a fifty something I am looking at at least 12-15 more years of work. If you are thirty something you may only be halfway through your working life. It would be such a shame to do something you did not like as a job for half your life, or to be stuck in an unhappy relationship.

But also sad to lose your partner, if he is right for you, because you could not work this out.

I second the suggestion of national careers advice.

[Italiangreyhound]

harshbuttrue "If he wants you to go back to work full-time then I think you have to, in the same way that he shouldn't go down to part-time without your agreement."

But they have a child now, someone has to look after their child! If they both want to work part-time maybe that would be something to consider.

The OP doesn't need to support his dream.

She needs to support herself and together they support their child. She had provided the home. if she doesn't want to go back full time they need to discuss but ultimately he doesn't call the shots.

[Italiangreyhound]

vikingprincess81 excellent post.

[wizzywig]

Hi op. Im only on page 4. So far i dont think anyone has asked yet if your family is complete now? Would it make any difference if another child came onto the scene? As others have said, you will find it tough if your husband isnt there for you, in terms of household stuff, the 'i cant do this anymore' emotions that come with studying. Im onto my second degree course whilst with kids and its damn hard when you have deadlines and youve forgotten to do a food shop and everyome is looking at you to magic things up. And dealing with the reality that your kids dont care about your deadlines, they just want their mum sometimes.

[Stinkbrain]

The thing is though, it's a short term hit for massive long term gains. He may not be on board now, but I am sure a few years down the line when the op is earning doctors wages he wont be above spending it for her.

[harshbuttrue1980]

I don't think you can insist on going part-time and studying, requiring financial support from your partner, without his consent. I'd say that which ever way round the genders were. If he wants you to go back to work full-time then I think you have to, in the same way that he shouldn't go down to part-time without your agreement. Children cost a lot of money, and he clearly feels that he needs you to work.

[ButtHiccup]

I mean if they separate?

[ButtHiccup]

If she does medicine, how is she going to cope with placements without her dh onboard?

[regisitme]

You should absolutely study. I've studied successfully since DD was born in both graduate and post-graduate courses. I have a very unsupportive (some might also say cocklodging partner) and it's meant that I can support myself financially independently.

If you can get your employer to support you in this that would be even better - although from what you've said your manager isn't great. Avoiding eye contact is actually a bullying behaviour and certainly, the lack of direction/support you are getting is giving me some cause for concern. Do you have the option to move elsewhere in the organisation to support your future career goals at the end of your maternity leave?

[SummerflowerXx]

I have read your updates.

You would manage the new qualifications without him. In fact, it would be easier without him. The initial dream of medicine, he could actually support if he chose to.

He thinks nothing of living in your house, but does not see a way to support you with studying. You are right to question whether this is the partnership you want.

The only thing I would say from experience is that it is much easier being a single parent of one child than two. Make sure your contraception is as watertight as it can be.

[Stinkbrain]

I am a mum of four children, two of whom have autism. I am doing an online access course as we speak so I can go to university next year. Its bloody hard work but I am lucky my DH is fully supportive.

However I understand the almost nagging feeling in your gut when you want something badly, I think you should sit down with your DP and spell it out for him that this is something you NEED to do and it's non negotiable. He can either get on board or leave, you will resent him forever if you don't do this for yourself. Relationships come and go but education is forever.

[ClashCityRocker]

If you are interested in cima and currently work in a finance role, I would say you would be well placed for perhaps a sideways move where the employer would fund the study whilst you work.

Honestly, I can see why you are resentful. It seems your partner is effectively saying 'yup, you go ahead and further your career, but don't let it impact my life in anyway, even though I and our child will be benefiting in the long run, not to mention your own personal fulfillment'. The fact that he's right that an accountancy qualification is probably a better option than a degree if you want a career in it is neither here nor there.

I do get the impression that your heart lies with medicine rather than accountancy though and in that case I think I would focus on that area - even if not the GP route (if you decide that will not be feasible) there will be other routes to go down.

[PennyTentiary]

It is tough tbh. I'm a single mum, I work and I also study. I'm the most tired I have ever been, having to study once my son is in bed, my shifts are 12 hours long. This decision will affect your whole family so you need to ensure it's the right choice. You also need to look at how you would manage as a single parent in case your partner isn't on board with it.

[Toomanycats99]

I'm CIMA qualified.

I think a couple of things are important - you need to research CIMA vs ACCA etc as they (well at least 20 years ago when I did mine) had different focuses. Your current company may also prefer one over the other if you are looking for training support.

It's also not 100% clear whether you are In a financed based role at the moment - I think you need to aim to be based in a role to support the training fairly soon and not after completion.


If you are interested in IT as an option as well then there are potentially plenty of opportunities with CIMA as well I think. I work in a department that links the business and IT techs - we have a fair number of CIMA qualifieds working there both consultants and inhouse people.

[ButtHiccup]

I did ACCA without a degree and it has never held me back.
I think you need to see how you, as a family, cope with combining work and parenthood before you throw studying into the mix

[Alanna1]

An accountancy professional qualification is worth more than a degree. Your DP is right.

[makeourfuture]

There's NO reason you should be doing 'the majority of the childcare'. None.

Absolutely.

There is a reek of retro sexism present in this thread.

[Sarikiz]

I cannot understand your logic on doing a degree course.
You sound determined to follow this course of action despite your partners doubts.
Why are you asking here if you know all the answers?
Be careful you dont end up as a single parent who wont have the time or money to study.

[coconuttella]

As an ACCA member for 23 years and a Finance Director of a company with a £35m turnover, I can tell you that it's the accountancy qualification that matters, not the accountancy degree. I don't have an accountancy degree (Chemistry) and have met only very few qualified accountants in my career who do, with a significant number having humanities degrees.

[ocelot41]

I did a PhD with a baby (p/t). It was very tough. I think it's great that you have a passion - is a sci degree something you want to have achieved in your life in its own right, or is there a clear career path you have in mind? I would also counsel against going the crappy uni route - degrees from those institutions are not worth the same to employers and the cost-cutting going on is so extreme now that it can mean admin is chaotic and v time consuming - not what you need!

[nameissues]

Please make yourself a priority, OP and safeguard your house/assets.

^ this

[Somersetlady]

Have you considered asking your employer if they would fund the qualification? You say you work in the financial area of your business. They might also allow study days etc?

[vikingprincess81]

OP, you've said if you take your P out of the equation you could do it. So do it.
Education and earning potential are important. How many threads do we read where women are reliant on partners who abuse them financially, and they can't get out of it because there's just no money? Money isn't everything but it gives you choices.
Both dh and I have done post grads, and when we approached the other about doing it we both said, 'yep, lets look at the finances, childcare etc and see how it can be done.' We've both shut the kitchen door while the other entertains the kids of an evening/at the weekend and it's hard, but the other parent is there and it's only for a short time. There was no moaning about having to support each other or talk of giving up dreams of fancy country houses, because dh and I both understand that in our chosen fields we need to have some extra qualifications to go further. Also, we have a partnership where we want the other to do well and be happy. Can you honestly say that's the case with your partner? It doesn't sound like it.
Please don't be held back by him, it's a sad truth that sometimes partners don't want the best for us as they're worried about feeling inadequate or that you'll stop bringing in as much money - that's not a partnership to me. I've taken a financial hit to support dh in the past, and he's done the same to support me. Now we can enjoy the results of our combined efforts and be fulfilled in our careers, have some extra earning potential, and know the other is totally behind us when we want to do daft things like go back to uni with 2 kids!! If you were my dd (not meant to be patronising at all, but I can see me having this conversation with her in a few short years) I'd be telling you to go for it. Your education is forever and won't let you down - you can draw on it at any point to improve your circumstances. I hope you're still reading and see this

[DPotter]

Ela2 - several things spring to mind with your dilemma

1. I think its great you want to re-qualify I really do. I've done it and never regretted a moment
   
2. medicine is a hard course to do single with no commitments so to consider doing it with a young child is a big ask
   
3. if medicine really is what you want to do, why on earth are you considering accountancy? Respect to all the accountants out there, however my question would be just the same if your really wanted to study medieval french, but were considering astrophysics instead to fit the family better.
   
4. if you are going to ask your family to step up and support you, at least study something you have passion for, not just it will fit with family life
   
5. if medicine is just a passing fancy, how about getting some good solid careers advice on your options. there's the National careers Service who offer advice to anyone. Negotiate from a position of strength - at the moment you seem to be giving mixed messages to your DP, so he is understandably thinking of ways that pose least threat to the status quo. By strength I mean a passion for something. If nothing else, why spend £9k a year on fees when your heart's on in it.
   
6. Don't take no for an answer. You will regret it, and that's where resentment kicks it. If nothing else tell your DP not only do you want to re-qualify as a medic, but as an orthopaedic surgeon so you can earn shed loads of money and buy that house he wants!!

[Italiangreyhound]

BoysofMelody

"It seems the op wants to go back to university for other reasons"

I've told my dh I want to do an MSc. I am not sure if it will increase my chances of future employment. I am not sure how much it will cost. I won't do it yet but guess what. My dh was supportive. You do not need to necessarily have everything going into earning more money. I mean, you do if you aim is to buy a big house or retire early. But I don't want to do either of those things necessarily. I do want to make the most of this one life on earth I have.

"Substitute 'going to university' for another expensive and time consuming activity like 'owning a horse' that places pressure on family resources and other people's time and you'd get a different set of responses."

Not necessarily. Not if, as in this case, the OP is using her own money and the 'time' she is 'taking' is actually just some time when her baby's father is looking after his child. I am sure there are lots of other times when the OP is looking after their baby.