Partner doesn't want me to do another degree, and I'm starting to feel resentful

[ela2]

I feel like I made a big mistake with my first degree. I've done my a levels in both science and non-science subjects, but because of various influences at young age I decided to go for a liberal arts subject. I've been regretting it for the last 10 years and I've been dreaming of qualifying in a more science based subject.

Up until three years ago I was in unstable relationships and had to support myself, so I wasn't able to do much towards this dream. I have just been working hard, collecting money and in the end managed to purchase a small house. When I got with my partner he was on a similar salary to me. We have since got engaged and had a child. My partner has also received a massive pay rise and is now on £60k.

I'm going back to work after maternity, four days a week, in two weeks. Since I felt we'd be rather comfortable on our combined salaries I started to explore my options for further education.

Basically the problem is - I'm constantly facing opposition from my partner. Initially I wanted to take a year out (in a year's time) to do a masters. He pretty much had a panic attack and told me it won't work financially (btw he wasn't worried about the postgraduate loan - just living costs.) I then said perhaps I could do an accounting BSc part time at a local uni. Again he started suggesting some "other options" like a cheap distance learning course (at a crappy uni.) Okay, I considered and agreed. Then he's done further research and is now suggesting I completely forego the degree and just do accounting qualifications with CIMA (again, because it's cheaper.) He is also suggesting that I wouldn't even need to take any time out (I mean in the evenings) for learning since "you can just study when you have quiet periods at work."

I feel like he is being unfair and expects that if I do something like that it has to be on the cheap (ideally free), while working near full time and doing most of childcare. I understand he is concerned about money but it's not like I won't be contributing at all. I feel like he would ideally want me to stay at my current job, work there full time to bring money so we can both save to fulfil his dream - a big house in the countryside. I already bought the house we live in, and I feel like I've been working long enough in my unsatisfying job just for money to now allow myself an opportunity to re-qualify. Plus it's not like I want to pursue a career as a painter, this would be a good long term investment for us as my earning potential would increase once qualified.

Ive told him all of this, and he "gets it" in theory but in practise still presents either with panic attacks or silent treatment whenever I discuss these plans with him.

He is otherwise an amazingly caring man, very family orientated and kind. I don't know if I'm beating unreasonable and selfish by wanting this for myself. I calculated that if I do the distance learning accounting and self finance it, we'd still be able to save £20k next year - but he still says no. I don't know what to think anymore.

[worridmum]

Yes he should get a say as he 100% would have to take on the bulk of evening tasks be it cleaning admin and child releated stuff.

How would you study if you did not have a partner or someone to do the tasks and looking after children ? Not every child goes to sleep and stays asleep at 6pm or 7pm.

So in effect you would be increasing his work load and making him do the majority of the hard things while you study and you will need dedicated blocks not a couple of short 10- 30 min blocks here and there.

Can you imigane the responses on here would be alot different if it was the bloke wanting to study...

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

I think he's giving you exactly the right advice, but for - perhaps, who knows? - the wrong reasons.

You need to be clear and realistic about what you want to achieve and why. You're neither of those things at present. See a careers adviser, a good one.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

There are two different issues here.

One is you deciding what you want/need to do to feel happy & fulfilled. It feels like you want to do a degree, any degree (as long as it's not soft/arts), to prove something to yourself. That's fine, if it's what you want - but I'd hate you to get to the end of it & still feel as you do now.

You never know when you'll need to support yourself & your DD by yourself & as you want to study anyway, I'd suggest you start another thread outlining what work you enjoy doing, what interests you, what you don't like etc and MNers will come up with jobs you've never even considered. Then decide what studying you want or need to do to get there. Two birds, one stone.

Second is your OH. He's living in YOUR house, does he take that into consideration? He doesn't seem at all interested in your happiness, only in you earning in your unfullfilling, non progressing job to fulfill his dream.

You both have a child, not just you. There's NO reason you should be doing 'the majority of the childcare'. None.

I think you need to prioritise your future earning potential. You're willing/able/want to study & improve your potential, you should absolutely do that & not let him stand in your way. I think you should work out what you are going to do, then tell him. Don't ask him, tell him. If he's not happy about it, he can move out if your house & let you get on with doing it on your own. His attitude is exactly why you should do it. He's earning 60k, he should be enabling you to fulfil your potential too, not keeping you down.

[Luckybe40]

Haven't RTFT OP but 2 things jumped out at me, 1- your husband is very greedy, grabby and tight. You're right, he's starting to see money when he looks at you.
2- all the previous posters who have said it's tough "working/studying with small children are right. I'm a WFHM and it's bloody impossible to get the amount of time you need/think you will have for yourself. DH comes home at the same time everyday and takes childcare over, even then it's tough. Last night I started work at 8:30pm, had to finish at 12:45am as I was falling asleep literally, working. Up at 6:00 am to frantically try to finish work before the kids got up...And that's a good day. This kind of life is soul destroying. You need your DH to be on board 100%. You mentioned working from 7:00pm...there's a very VERY strong chance your baby will be wide awake!
Good luck! The real problem is your DH though.

[Italiangreyhound]

I totally agree with HeebieJeebies456 on page one and oh and the roses on page 3.

I can't advise about education. job and career, I'd sat research it, test it all out!

But I think your partner sounds controlling, tight-fisted and self obsessed. Are you going to join him in this big house in the country? Is this your plan to? My friends Dh has a dream to build his own home. It is partly due to other problems but they are almost bankrupt. Try and align your dreams or you will both be pulling in different directions.

[Witchend]

I agree with the others that say a degree seems a bit pointless really.

But having had times when dh is studying, it puts a huge strain on your other half. I only had weeks where dh was studying after the dc came along, but it really does effect you.
You might like to think your d will all be settled by 7pm. Only one of mine that was was ds and he rose early instead. Dd1 was 8-8:30 and dd2 was often unsettled until 10pm. She had a scream like a banshee and was not just leavable in the cot.
Then you've got the times when they're/you're sick. Times when you'd like to go out but can't because you're on duty. Times when you'd like to just chill with a film and the noise is distracting. You can't work late when your boss asks as a favour despite knowing that it's not really fair to refuse (and will effect you at work) because you have to get back. You don't get to spend time with your oh-and when you do they start talking about the exam

The weekends end up being stressful because they say they'll just do a couple of hours, which turns into double that. You take the children out to give peace and come back and have to make dinner because they're still working.

And the thing that is hardest in a lot of ways is that once you have started there's little going back. You want them to pass and give the best but they're getting a lot of fulfilment out of studying and you don't get fulfilment of being the parent that's hushing the children.

Now for me it never lasted more than a few weeks. I didn't mind for that. He's done similar for me in other ways. It does cause stress even for that length of time though. You never feel you can relax.
But when you're talking about 3 years, that's a huge commitment. I don't blame him for not feeling up to it for that length of time.

He's earning 60k, he should be enabling you to fulfil your potential too, not keeping you down. if it was the other way round with the dh saying that to his wife then people would be calling him a cocklodger wouldn't they?

[Italiangreyhound]

OP can you clarify, as far as I can see yuo are not expecting your dh to pay for your degree or study. You expect support with child care and to use your own money fr study? Is that right? He is living in your house and expects you to work more so you can contribute more.

I think you need to work out what you want out of life then talk to him.

[Italiangreyhound]

worrirdmum "Yes he should get a say as he 100% would have to take on the bulk of evening tasks be it cleaning admin and child releated stuff"

I don't know about you but there are dry few admin tasks we do after dinner. and as it is the OP's house I bet she does do the bulk of stuff to do with paying bilssetc because they were all set up in her name before he came on the scene. Certainly the case when I married Dh and he had a house.

Would the response be the same if it were a bloke wanting to study! Are you joking! Women bend over backward to enable male partners to do study, work late, etc etc.Many giving up their own careers.

[Hotheadwheresthecoldbath]

Do you want a big house in the countryside away from shops,public transport a commute to work and fitting in childcare/schools?
I would be taking a bigger look at this relationship ,only 3years in with a child.I certainly wouldn't be marrying him but holding in to my house,starting a savings account.You need to sit down and have a chat,leave study out of it for now,and work out what you both want.
If you find presentations /professional interaction difficult then you need to work on that then ,talk to work about professional qualifications then decide what route you want to take.
Ps.love the idea that your baby will sleep from 7pm consistently.

[Stickerrocks]

Back to CIMA again - it is feasible to get the CIMA certificate qualification by doing approximately 16 - 20 days of day release over a year at a professional training college. You would do 3-5 days for each certificate paper, spread over 2-4 weeks, then you can sit the exam almost immediately at a time to suit you. We can usually get around 80% pass rate. The short burst of training may suit your needs, especially if you are unsure about committing to the full blown CIMA qualification at this stage. It would also give your employer the chance to see if they want to sponsor you through the rest of the qualification.

[ela2]

Thank you for all the replies. I've been mulling over this some more the last few days, and unfortunately the resentment is not really going away.

I absolutely don't expect DH to pay for my degree. With the accountancy qualifications, there will be absolutely no extra money I would need from him than he contributes now. I looked into taking a year out to do a masters, which would require him to pay for the bills and childcare when I'm out of work but that option was very quickly removed off the table since he very clearly said he didn't want to support that kind of thing. He just doesn't want me to be out of work for any period of time.

To people who say that I don't sound particularly sure of what qualification I want to pursue - initially I was thinking of grad med. My father is a GP so I know what that career entails, but again - 4 years out of work was a massive no-go for my partner so I "scaled back" on my dreams - but it seems that even that didn't quite do the trick for my DH.

I just know I need to do something to get "unstuck" - at the moment I'm locked into a job that pays reasonably well but unlikely to go anywhere. I think about med school every day but find it hard facing such a strong opposition from my partner.

I also do feel that some posters are not being 100% fair. One poster said that all bills etc are attached to me - that is the truth. As to his childcare obligations - my child does go to bed at 7 every day and wakes up once at night - 5 nights out of 7 it's me who attends to him anyway so I don't think there will be a significant burden on him.

Also as to the argument "if it was a man wanting to study... etc" again, as one of the posters said - women bend over backwards to accommodate for men in that way, even several posters on here said they've gone through that.

In the end, I feel I've already contributed to our family through buying the house and making savings from my salary for us. I feel hurt to be expected to constantly make sacrifices.

[ela2]

Also I just wanted to add that I'd actually be better off if I wanted to pursue my dreams and not be with him. He think he'd be making me a massive favour but because of his significant income I'd not be entitled to much in terms of scholarships and bursaries or childcare grant for parents in full time education.

Plus if we were not together I expect he'd still need to pay towards our child and take him for some weekends actually freeing me up to do studying.

It's really not like I'm replying on him for support, I researched various funding option and in fact he is a bit of an obstacle. I just never expected he'd become so greedy, especially as he is quite a bit older and had his time to study extensively and live his life spending money on stupid things.

[ela2]

So far I've decided to do some volunteering in the fields I'm considering to find the right fit. Once that is established I guess I'd just need to communicate to him what I'm doing and if he wants to leave that'd be his call.

[Categoric]

I certainly wouldn't marry your DP. He seems entirely focussed on himself and his financial requirements. If you are doing most of the childcare, he is not particularly good at parenting his own child either. Sulking is as controlling as outright violence btw. All in all, he doesn't seem a permanent option to me if you want to have some say in how you actually live in future.

If you were ill and your earning power was diminished, how well would he cope with that? If you increase your salary and choose to spend it on things he doesn't approve of, what will he do?

In your shoes, I would take some advice as to how to prevent him having any claim on the equity in your house, refuse to get married to him and study to be an accountant. Accountancy may seem unexciting but it opens up lots of other job opportunities and you can get lots of career progression. It would allow you to earn more, save and then do a degree in 5 years time when you could have saved enough to support yourself and if you still want to change direction.

[ela2]

@Categoric

Thanks for this reply, it seems honest and to the point. I actually asked him what he'd do if I got ill and he said "well it would be different" but he didn't exactly say how, nor did he offer a firm reassurance he'd take "the burden" of providing for the whole family...

As much as I consider myself a feminist and don't believe that men should be expected to be sole providers at all times, I do think both a man and a woman in a healthy partnership should be willing to make some sacrifices if these pertain to the other half's happiness AND increased earning potential for the family in the future...

I also like your idea re: accounting. I think what I've not clarified is that basically I'm just sitting around now, every day from 7 till 11 doing nothing, when I know I could be studying and improving myself. Perhaps I could use that time to get into accounting like you said, do a CIMA qualification on the side, earn more and still consider med school in a few years time.

[Motherbear26]

This obviously really matters to you. I have no doubt whatever option you go for you will make it work. Don't let him stop you pursuing your dreams, they are just as relevant and important as his.

[Stickerrocks]

7 til 11? Google CIMA Certificate OnDemand and away you go. You can start tomorrow!

[TatianaLarina]

What does he bring to your life other than your DD?

He's holding you back from what you really want to do. He seems to have dollar signs in his eyes. Whether it's simply a money issue to him or whether he's also threatened by you becoming more highly qualified, it's not clear. But he's happy to take the benefit of your salary and your property without fulfilling the function of a supportive partner.

Where do you want to be in 10 years? Because I think if you don't go for what you want you could be very resentful, particularly if he's hoping to retire early at your expense.

[Italiangreyhound]

ela I am glad you are feeling more decided.

I do think it is important to share future hopes and dreams with your partner or to find a compromise.

It does sound as if he is very unsupportive. Hope you find the right way ahead,

[BoysofMelody]

He's holding you back from what you really want to do. He seems to have dollar signs in his eyes

Thing is, the course of action that the op wants to take won't improve her employment prospects as numerous people actually working in the industry have stated. It seems the op wants to go back to university for other reasons

Substitute 'going to university' for another expensive and time consuming activity like 'owning a horse' that places pressure on family resources and other people's time and you'd get a different set of responses.

[TatianaLarina]

Well no, the OP originally wanted to do graduate entry medicine. She wasn't "allowed" to do that. (A friend of mine did, with a supportive husband, and is now a psychiatrist).

The OP has had some good advice about the optimum courses for accounting, which no doubt she's taking on board.

The comparison between uni and owning a horse is absurd.

[Italiangreyhound]

BoysofMelody

"It seems the op wants to go back to university for other reasons"

I've told my dh I want to do an MSc. I am not sure if it will increase my chances of future employment. I am not sure how much it will cost. I won't do it yet but guess what. My dh was supportive. You do not need to necessarily have everything going into earning more money. I mean, you do if you aim is to buy a big house or retire early. But I don't want to do either of those things necessarily. I do want to make the most of this one life on earth I have.

"Substitute 'going to university' for another expensive and time consuming activity like 'owning a horse' that places pressure on family resources and other people's time and you'd get a different set of responses."

Not necessarily. Not if, as in this case, the OP is using her own money and the 'time' she is 'taking' is actually just some time when her baby's father is looking after his child. I am sure there are lots of other times when the OP is looking after their baby.

[DPotter]

Ela2 - several things spring to mind with your dilemma

1. I think its great you want to re-qualify I really do. I've done it and never regretted a moment
   
2. medicine is a hard course to do single with no commitments so to consider doing it with a young child is a big ask
   
3. if medicine really is what you want to do, why on earth are you considering accountancy? Respect to all the accountants out there, however my question would be just the same if your really wanted to study medieval french, but were considering astrophysics instead to fit the family better.
   
4. if you are going to ask your family to step up and support you, at least study something you have passion for, not just it will fit with family life
   
5. if medicine is just a passing fancy, how about getting some good solid careers advice on your options. there's the National careers Service who offer advice to anyone. Negotiate from a position of strength - at the moment you seem to be giving mixed messages to your DP, so he is understandably thinking of ways that pose least threat to the status quo. By strength I mean a passion for something. If nothing else, why spend £9k a year on fees when your heart's on in it.
   
6. Don't take no for an answer. You will regret it, and that's where resentment kicks it. If nothing else tell your DP not only do you want to re-qualify as a medic, but as an orthopaedic surgeon so you can earn shed loads of money and buy that house he wants!!

[vikingprincess81]

OP, you've said if you take your P out of the equation you could do it. So do it.
Education and earning potential are important. How many threads do we read where women are reliant on partners who abuse them financially, and they can't get out of it because there's just no money? Money isn't everything but it gives you choices.
Both dh and I have done post grads, and when we approached the other about doing it we both said, 'yep, lets look at the finances, childcare etc and see how it can be done.' We've both shut the kitchen door while the other entertains the kids of an evening/at the weekend and it's hard, but the other parent is there and it's only for a short time. There was no moaning about having to support each other or talk of giving up dreams of fancy country houses, because dh and I both understand that in our chosen fields we need to have some extra qualifications to go further. Also, we have a partnership where we want the other to do well and be happy. Can you honestly say that's the case with your partner? It doesn't sound like it.
Please don't be held back by him, it's a sad truth that sometimes partners don't want the best for us as they're worried about feeling inadequate or that you'll stop bringing in as much money - that's not a partnership to me. I've taken a financial hit to support dh in the past, and he's done the same to support me. Now we can enjoy the results of our combined efforts and be fulfilled in our careers, have some extra earning potential, and know the other is totally behind us when we want to do daft things like go back to uni with 2 kids!! If you were my dd (not meant to be patronising at all, but I can see me having this conversation with her in a few short years) I'd be telling you to go for it. Your education is forever and won't let you down - you can draw on it at any point to improve your circumstances. I hope you're still reading and see this

[Somersetlady]

Have you considered asking your employer if they would fund the qualification? You say you work in the financial area of your business. They might also allow study days etc?