Partner doesn't want me to do another degree, and I'm starting to feel resentful

[ela2]

I feel like I made a big mistake with my first degree. I've done my a levels in both science and non-science subjects, but because of various influences at young age I decided to go for a liberal arts subject. I've been regretting it for the last 10 years and I've been dreaming of qualifying in a more science based subject.

Up until three years ago I was in unstable relationships and had to support myself, so I wasn't able to do much towards this dream. I have just been working hard, collecting money and in the end managed to purchase a small house. When I got with my partner he was on a similar salary to me. We have since got engaged and had a child. My partner has also received a massive pay rise and is now on £60k.

I'm going back to work after maternity, four days a week, in two weeks. Since I felt we'd be rather comfortable on our combined salaries I started to explore my options for further education.

Basically the problem is - I'm constantly facing opposition from my partner. Initially I wanted to take a year out (in a year's time) to do a masters. He pretty much had a panic attack and told me it won't work financially (btw he wasn't worried about the postgraduate loan - just living costs.) I then said perhaps I could do an accounting BSc part time at a local uni. Again he started suggesting some "other options" like a cheap distance learning course (at a crappy uni.) Okay, I considered and agreed. Then he's done further research and is now suggesting I completely forego the degree and just do accounting qualifications with CIMA (again, because it's cheaper.) He is also suggesting that I wouldn't even need to take any time out (I mean in the evenings) for learning since "you can just study when you have quiet periods at work."

I feel like he is being unfair and expects that if I do something like that it has to be on the cheap (ideally free), while working near full time and doing most of childcare. I understand he is concerned about money but it's not like I won't be contributing at all. I feel like he would ideally want me to stay at my current job, work there full time to bring money so we can both save to fulfil his dream - a big house in the countryside. I already bought the house we live in, and I feel like I've been working long enough in my unsatisfying job just for money to now allow myself an opportunity to re-qualify. Plus it's not like I want to pursue a career as a painter, this would be a good long term investment for us as my earning potential would increase once qualified.

Ive told him all of this, and he "gets it" in theory but in practise still presents either with panic attacks or silent treatment whenever I discuss these plans with him.

He is otherwise an amazingly caring man, very family orientated and kind. I don't know if I'm beating unreasonable and selfish by wanting this for myself. I calculated that if I do the distance learning accounting and self finance it, we'd still be able to save £20k next year - but he still says no. I don't know what to think anymore.

OP, to play devils advocate, as generally I'm all in favour of people retraining - if you are wanting to do a PT degree then I would be incredibly surprised if you could do it, and do it well, on your one non working day a week. The Open University estimates it takes people approximately 18 hours a week to study a part time degree over 6 years, and having done several of their courses I'd agree.

Is your partner perhaps concerned that you are unhappy and looking for a new route but that you don't have any firm ideas as to whether it will make you happy or actually improve your career prospects, let alone whether your employer will support by finding it? That would all be worth questioning for me if I were in his position, especially if your previous plans together were in a different direction. 6 years of study (more if you have other children), with evenings and weekends taken up studying... I think I'd be talking to my partner and wanting to make sure they were making a completely informed choice too. I'm sorry he's perhaps not doing this in the most tactful way. Speaking to a careers coach as mentioned above may be worth considering.

I still don't really see the advantage of the degree incorporating CIMA than just studying CIMA (or any other accounting qualification that you choose, depending on the sector you want to work in).

If it's that you want time out to study full time, ok, but your husband is correct in that there's no advantage to your career to do it that way. Is seeking a training contract an option? For example I studied my qualification on day release for a total of 30 days per year over 3 years, and my employer funded the exams and tuition. Is there any option at your current workplace for them to consider a proposal like this? It's a big investment for them but one which some employers are prepared to make.

I'm completely with heebiejeebies on this

@AccrualIntentions

I don't want any time out, the degree + CIMA is fully online via distance learning and it takes 3 years.

I'm not in a position to discuss with my employer at the moment as I'm out on maternity. I could wait one more year and see how things play out but I'm not getting any younger and I feel I'd go mad if I don't have anything else in life other than my flatlined job and childcare in the evenings.

I'm fairly senior in Finance in a large organisation - you really don't need the BA as well as CIMA, employers don't care beyond the professional qualification. There's also the fact that you require 3 years of relevant professional experience for your log book before you achieve chartered status.

You're much better off going for a training contract with a firm so you can gain the experience and get study leave as well as being sponsored to study.

I did all my professional exams when my kids were tiny (conception onwards). 15 exams, 5 years. It's the easiest time as you have brain capacity after a day with a child.

It does however require 100% backing from your partner. I went upstairs at 7 pm every night and so my DH cooked dinner, cleared up the chaos, emptied and filled the dishwasher etc. I came down at 9pm to my dinner.

My exams are the same level as a degree (level 6), but much better as they are vocational.

My youngest is 6 and I earn 6 figures working part time. My DH knows it was the best investment of his time. It was a slog though.

Can you afford to self fund ? (I'm assuming so because you're looking at an online course). And are you aware that there's no cap on tuition fees for those with an equivalent qualification?

if you both decide that two completely fulfilled parents are a necessity?

Isn't that a necessity for all of us? To not strive to be completely fulfilled will lead to resentment whether that's in workplace or home or both.

OP - have you asked work if they'd give you any study leave or contribute towards any further study if it could be shown to be of value to them/your job? I've been in few places that have done that especially in IT/finance but also other roles e.g. New IT programmes

@dontcallmethatyoucunt

May I ask which qualifications you went for?
I completely get the feeling of having capacity after a day with a child... I've been doing some UKCAT practise tests in the evenings (just for a mental workout) and it's been thrilling to be able to use my grey cells again.

I think I would be of the same opinion as your DH. You don't have a clear idea of what career you want to end up in (and accountants have to play office politics and have high powered meetings as much as other managers) so you could end up embarking on a qualification that you either abandon or that doesn't help your career.

Can you articulate what your strengths are and what you like to do at work? What would your ideal career be?

I am CIMA qualified and have an accountancy degree. I dont think I have ever used a single syllable of my degree in my professional life. CIMA is a hard slog and does require a lot of commitment.

Hi

I'm also a qualified accountant and pretty bemused. As some previous posters have noted, studying degrees tends to take more time than the professional qualifications. Could you post a link for this part time degree? I've not really heard of ones which people have found worthwhile (providing lots of exemptions).

Also, you start by expressing a wish to study a science - I'm not sure accountancy is much of a science!

I did a science degree when I was 41 and had three kids. It was hard and money was extremely tight but I've never regretted it for a moment.
You only have one life, live it to the full and don't waste a moment wishing you'd done something different. Go for it!

@paq

Of course, but accountants attend the meetings with data at hand and they have the knowledge and expertise to inform senior managers on spend, budgets, accruals etc. Whereas when I go to meetings I have to talk to individuals who are clearly in very specialised fields/dealing with high profile projects, whereas my role is advising on best practise for projects - yet I've never been allowed to run a single one because of lack of connections / experience / qualifications. It makes me feel less-than everyone I meet with, and like I'm just winging it.

I'm confused too about what you want, an accounting degree is very different to a science degree and the careers they lead to are very different.

If you do want to do the degree to further your accounting career, I agree with PPs and just go straight for the professional accounting exams. Although, I would agree with others, senior accounting roles are all about communicating. (I'm CIMA). The 2nd degree would add no value to your CV so seems like a lot of work, time and expense for little/no benefit. Do a cost/benefit analysis!
I would also advise asking your employer about support, I am fairly sure we would welcome you onto our support scheme even when you were on mat leave. Joining the scheme sends a really positive message about your intentions to your employee too.

If you want to do something else, science based, try to pin down what you do really want to do.

Might you be thinking of a second child over the next few years too? You may want to consider this against timings of study.

Also dont forget that professional qualifications also require a significant amount of recognised professional experience.

I work in industry rather than practice. Without a doubt there are a lot of meetings and dealing with office politics. Qualification is recognised and respected, degrees arent.

I think you should go for it! You have your own house, you'll earn 4 days a week while studying and continue to do the childcare, I'm not surprised you want something for yourself. Your husband sounds very tight and grabby. I would make it very clear to him that you're not interested in a bigger house or moving and have decided to do the course to help you feel fulfilled.

Just offering a "we are going through this right now" perspective: We have two young DC and DH is studying in eves and weekends towards CIMA. It is taking him longer than the advertised time as his employer wasn't supportive at first (he has since changed to work in a finance function where they at least understand why he's doing what he's doing) and it just is tough doing it with young children. It's hard for him and it's hard for me too!

You do need complete buy-in from your OH on whatever course you decide to do as, yes, he will need to be doing far more of the domestic work to let you get on with study (you say you'll do it for 3 hours in the evenings once DC is in bed - but when will you cook/eat? What if she's ill/wakes up? What about a small amount of downtime for you - will you ever get that? When will you do life admin? Etc etc)
I am 100% behind DH who is doing it as much for us as a family as he is for himself - and I work FT as a qualified accountant myself so I really do understand more than most - but even still it has been a tough adjustment for all and I will be relieved when it comes to an end!
Good luck with your decisions.

I don't really understand why you are somewhat fixated on a BSc. It you want to do it because you're really interested in the subject matter that's one thing. But you seem to think it will "fix things" and make you more confident in meetings, better respected, better at politics etc. It won't change this. The feeling is in your head! If people are seriously disrespectful, that's because they're arseholes. It's NOT because you have a BA rather than a BSc.

Admittedly I am biased as I did a BA (in Economics and French) and then went down the Chartered Accountancy route. An Arts based degree didn't make the slightest bit of difference. And actually at my Big Four firm, we tended to look down on the few people who had accountancy degrees as the view was that academically they were less strong (there was plenty of snobbery about degrees but none of it was BA vs BSc related). I've been working in banking (and IT) ever since. I walked away from accountancy (dull dull dull dull!) but that has never held me back.

As I wrote earlier, if you want to do a degree in accountancy or computer science because you're interested in them, then go for it. But if it's a stepping stone for your career in these fields, you'd be better off forgetting doing a BSc and concentrating on getting professional qualifications and/or good experience. In your current role, it sounds like you already have opportunities to develop. The question is....why aren't you using this? A BSc won't fix your confidence and it's a very time consuming way of trying to fix it.

Have you thought about getting a mentor? It sounds like some help and guidance at work might boost your confidence and performance (which may well lead to the career opportunities you're seeking long term).

I'm not trying to put you off studying but it sounds like the lack of BSc isn't really the problem.

www.cii.co.uk/qualifications/advanced-diploma-in-financial-planning-qualification/

I did all the certificate level, all the diploma, advanced diploma, then Chartered.

It takes a few less exams now to get to Charterd. You can advise with a Diploma.

I love being an IFA. It's tough to get started (for gods sake don't go the St James's Place route), but far too few advisers compared to accountants. I've been qualified for 11 years and it's flexible and rewarding.

Hi, not an accountant (sorry!), but maternity leave or not, any decent employer should be prepared to discuss with you your professional development plans & goals... I suppose what I'm saying is, if your employer doesn't have any capabilities to develop you in the way you want by in-house development courses & mentoring etc, will they pay for your training or allocate you so many days per month for you to achieve your goal? (Or worth finding a company that will invest in your development?)

Of course, but accountants attend the meetings with data at hand and they have the knowledge and expertise to inform senior managers on spend, budgets, accruals etc.

I think you should spend some time talking to different accountants working in different environments and roles. I think you have quite a narrow view of what they do.

I also don't think a qualification automatically gives you authority or confidence. You sound quite unconfident of your own abilities yet you come across here as hardworking, intelligent and articulate. What's knocked your self-belief?

Don't do an accountancy degree. If you want to do accountancy do CIMA / ACCA or AAT. But you will need study commitment even if you home study.

Studying with small children is very hard. Much harder than working for an employer while the kids are in childcare. It's impossible to do anything in the evenings unless the other partner is 100% on board and takes on all aspects of the childcare (cooking, bathing, night time routines) for pretty much all of the time.

I'm going into my third year at uni, currently on track for a first. I work 23 hours a week and am a lone parent to a 2 year old (dad currently has no contact at all). Nothing's impossible if you put your mind to it.

I agree Grampie. Small children go to bed.... leaving time to study!