Partner doesn't want me to do another degree, and I'm starting to feel resentful

[ela2]

I feel like I made a big mistake with my first degree. I've done my a levels in both science and non-science subjects, but because of various influences at young age I decided to go for a liberal arts subject. I've been regretting it for the last 10 years and I've been dreaming of qualifying in a more science based subject.

Up until three years ago I was in unstable relationships and had to support myself, so I wasn't able to do much towards this dream. I have just been working hard, collecting money and in the end managed to purchase a small house. When I got with my partner he was on a similar salary to me. We have since got engaged and had a child. My partner has also received a massive pay rise and is now on £60k.

I'm going back to work after maternity, four days a week, in two weeks. Since I felt we'd be rather comfortable on our combined salaries I started to explore my options for further education.

Basically the problem is - I'm constantly facing opposition from my partner. Initially I wanted to take a year out (in a year's time) to do a masters. He pretty much had a panic attack and told me it won't work financially (btw he wasn't worried about the postgraduate loan - just living costs.) I then said perhaps I could do an accounting BSc part time at a local uni. Again he started suggesting some "other options" like a cheap distance learning course (at a crappy uni.) Okay, I considered and agreed. Then he's done further research and is now suggesting I completely forego the degree and just do accounting qualifications with CIMA (again, because it's cheaper.) He is also suggesting that I wouldn't even need to take any time out (I mean in the evenings) for learning since "you can just study when you have quiet periods at work."

I feel like he is being unfair and expects that if I do something like that it has to be on the cheap (ideally free), while working near full time and doing most of childcare. I understand he is concerned about money but it's not like I won't be contributing at all. I feel like he would ideally want me to stay at my current job, work there full time to bring money so we can both save to fulfil his dream - a big house in the countryside. I already bought the house we live in, and I feel like I've been working long enough in my unsatisfying job just for money to now allow myself an opportunity to re-qualify. Plus it's not like I want to pursue a career as a painter, this would be a good long term investment for us as my earning potential would increase once qualified.

Ive told him all of this, and he "gets it" in theory but in practise still presents either with panic attacks or silent treatment whenever I discuss these plans with him.

He is otherwise an amazingly caring man, very family orientated and kind. I don't know if I'm beating unreasonable and selfish by wanting this for myself. I calculated that if I do the distance learning accounting and self finance it, we'd still be able to save £20k next year - but he still says no. I don't know what to think anymore.

@paq You're probably right, I don't know a full scope of the role - just what I know accountants in my organisation do (at the meetings I've attended with them.)

Thank you for your kind words. Part of me thinks the issue is my employer. They pay me well, but I feel if I passed out in the toilet for a day no one would have noticed. My only one to one is at the end of each financial year when we set out objectives for next year. I'm meant to be giving people advice on best practise but no one really cares about it, in fact project managers actively avoid me and my team colleagues. My manager does the best he can not to look me in the eye or talk to me, and replies with a minute delay when I say "hi" each morning. When he scheduled interviews for my mat cover he had me pick them up at the door and do coffees, while not being included in the interview panel and not consulting my opinion on the new hire.

I'm an accountant too and agree that if it's what you want to do then go down the professional route. I studied at a big 4 firm (was big 6 back then and they didn't really want people with accounting degrees).

It's a great qualification to have and opens so many doors from your monthly financial accountant to CEO. Our strategy director, COO, CFO, head of M&A and head of consulting are all accountants. Plus lots of accountants in the finance function and tax functions.

Btw we would support professional exams (just made an offer to a graduate to support Acca and to c50 yr old to study CTA (chartered tax) exams.

Another (CIMA) accountant here - FD.

I wouldn't bother doing two degrees - you already have one. A second degree wouldn't be like the first anyway, as this time round you have grown up 'life' to fit in.

A future employer would wonder 'why' you did it anyway.

Crack on and do your accounting exams, if that's what you want. The syllabuses are more flexible these days than a few years back, with more regular opportunities to take the exams rather than the old twice a year calendar.

You can even do the earlier parts of your studies relatively cheaply if the employer is not supporting them.

Oh, and you still have 'meetings' politics and shite, whatever level the job is.

Money is good, in the end,

You appear to want the degree for its own sake. As a young graduate it will get you in the door but when you are older with previous experience it becomes irrelevant. In accountancy the professional qualifications are what matter as so many have said.
Working & looking after a baby will be tiring and you won't have much time. Perhaps prudent to spend what little time you have on the one that will get you furthest?
Could you be hankering after a degree as it takes you back to the simpler time before you were expected to attend meetings etc?

OP your manager and organisation does indeed sound crap. And I can understand why that would knock your self confidence. I'm a boring project manager in an organisation that mostly values creative types so people also avoid me. I actually found that that sort of nonsense bothered me less when I went back after mat leave as what really mattered was my baby and the time I spent with her. It also helps that my boss is fantastic.

If I were you I would give yourself a few months to really explore your ambitions, your interests, your talents and your options. Network like crazy and seek out advice from people who are successful.

If it helps you can read career development books or speak to a career coach (I know a great one near Warwick if you are in that neck of the woods).

When you are ready you can tell your DH your plan. And hopefully get his full support.

An accountancy degree isn't worth a lot! My dh is a qualified accountant and he did cima. He studied when we had two young children and he was working full time and it was really hard on both of us. You need to think about what you want and what would best maximise your interests and job prospects.

Have you asked whether your employer would pay for you to do further training/qualifications. A lot will, ot they will provide loans.

I'm wondering if this is just about money to your partner? Does he have status anxiety wrt you? What does he do? Does he fear a highly qualified partner? Some men do. It's quite common on here for men to try dissuade their partner from futher education/qualifications or going for promotion.

A good friend did a medical degree with two small children, having done natural sciences at uni first time round. But her partner was supportive.

I wonder if he feels threatened because you'll have more qualifications than him.

Snap Sabine.

Did you talk about this with your DP before you got engaged and pregnant. Studying is a big commitment that impacts all the family not just you.

The higher you go in terms of responsibility, salary and seniority the more important soft skills become. If you don't want to go up the ladder then that's fair enough. But doing a degree for the sake of it is really quite odd, it's bloody hard work and it sounds like you have romanticised it in your head.

Having a degree is not going to magically make you feel like you have something to contribute. Google imposter syndrome.

I train accountants for their professional exams. Don't bother with the accountancy degree incorporating CIMA, just take the CIMA exams. I spend a lot of time getting students to forget what they learned in their degree as it has such a different focus to what you need in the real world.

I suggest you start with the 4 papers in the Certificate level which would not only give you a stand alone qualification, but would also give you the opportunity to see how you cope with studying and a small child. We tend to teach in intensive bursts - a 4 or 5 day course either online or in a classroom , a chance for you to consolidate your knowledge and then the real exam.

I'm ACCA qualified and dint have a degree.

I employ either qualified experienced people or junior staff and pay for them to study. I wouldn't take someone with a cima included degree and no experience. Experience is everything in industry.

If that's what you want to do (and i do recommend it as a career) My advice is to try to get a finance job with study support and get qualified.

I believe cima and acca offer a degree add on after qualifying.

@dontcallmethatyoucunt

I agree Grampie. Small children go to bed.... leaving time to study

Unless you're unlucky and have a child that doesn't sleep well. Between 7 months and 3 and a half years I had no evening to do anything. DS will still often stay awake until 10pm but at least will let someone else take him up.

He is also suggesting that I wouldn't even need to take any time out (I mean in the evenings) for learning since "you can just study when you have quiet periods at work."

Oh, this is dead wrong though. You will need to dedicate a significant amount of time to study and he will have to support that. I basically had no life for 6 months during my finals (when i was young and child free.)

I don't think you can take it as a right to do the degree if your DH will then have to finance this. It's got to be a joint decision. What if he was the one who wanted to do the degree and you had to support him. A lot of people work in unsatisfying jobs for the money. Why didn't you finish your studies before you had your DC. Why do you need another degree. It's professional training and experience you should be aiming for IMHO.

Another Chartered Accountant with an arts degree. An accounting degree with CIMA will get you a lot of unnecessary debt. Find a firm that will pay you and train you. By far the superior option.

Rumour has it that a lot of firms now prefer candidates with degrees/experience outside of accounting as it makes for a much more rounded workforce.

Let's forget the academic arguments for a minute op. He's living in the house you own, he hasn't married you to give you and your child any legal security and wants to call the shots about what you spend on your personal and professional development.

What exactly is he contributing to this relationship and is he making you happy?

op you sound confused about what you want to do and why. A generic, non-vocational Science degree will not significantly help your employment prospects and if you are thinking about the accountancy route, you seem to disregard the advice from people in the industry to move straight to the accountancy exams, rather than undertaking another degree.

From my point of view, it seems you want to do this degree as a way of making up for the disapointment of university first time round and as a workout for your little grey cells. If this is the case and I were your partner, I would be sceptical too and would see it more as a massively expensive and time consuming leisure activity, rather than something to enhance family income or career prospects.

Except for the pay your job sounds .. not that great :/. However, I'm big 4 and people really couldn't give a toss what your degree is. The professional qualifications are what you need IF working as an accountant is really your goal. I am not sure about the dh situation. It is tricky timing but you have valid reasons , sound switched on and are not expecting him to support you. The bits where you say he seems to be all about the money you contribute are rather offputting. And , if you not only don't care about a house in the country but bought your current house solo , I really don't see why you should contribute so much savings to this plan, if he won't also support your dreams. I would in your position probably say I don't care about the house in the country, and if you won't support my trying to shift my career forward so why do you expect my complete support for your goals? I'd like to cancel the house buying plans to make it easier for me to study.

What do you think would happen if you talked to your boss about another role in about 6 months.

He's living in the house you own, he hasn't married you to give you and your child any legal security and wants to call the shots about what you spend on your personal and professional development

Agreed. This does not bode well.

Another accountant here - I'm chartered (ACA). Totally no point doing another degree if you want to be an accountant - just apply to a firm of accountants for a trainee contract. A local smaller firm would be best as they'll be less likely to require long hours which might not fit your family life (I've done big 4 and local).

Then you'll be paid, have paid study and have time to study and get relevant accounting experience. Can't see why you'd do it a different way.

He's living in the house you own, he hasn't married you to give you and your child any legal security and wants to call the shots about what you spend on your personal and professional development.

OP isn't a passive observer in all this, presumably she had a say in whether he moved in, when they had a child and when they would get married.

I think it's pretty sensible to discuss career and study with your partner as it will impact on them as well.