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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister never offers

128 replies

10greenapples · 21/08/2017 17:58

I know I'm probably being U but I thought i would ask anyway to see whats normal in other families. I am a single mum to 4. I recently fell out with my mum who would offer to have my kids all the time to give me a break (usually the oldest 2 but occasionally 3, not the baby as she's bf) anyway since falling out with her she hasn't seen my children, so I literally haven't had a break in over 2 months. My sister has literally not once offered to help out. Despite me saying how tired I am. How I don't get any time to myself etc. aibu in thinking she could offer. I use to have her son all the time as a baby/young child.

OP posts:
SenatorBunghole · 21/08/2017 19:38

Not seeing why people think it's contradictory that OP says she has 3 with her ex and 4 in total?

Anyway, it's true that lots of dads don't bother at all and that OP can't make him be involved if he wants to. But it says a lot OP that you seem to find more criticism for your mother and sister for not helping you with his kids than you do for him.

It would certainly be a kindness if they'd help you out a bit, especially as you had your sister's one a lot. So she should really do the same for you with one of yours. I'll be honest, though, I think it's a bit of a piss take to expect anyone to have all four at once. I wouldn't, and I come from a family where we do a lot for each other.

hiphopcat · 21/08/2017 19:38

No-one is being cruel @junebirthdaygirl they are being realistic. It's unfair and 'entitled' to expect extended family to look after the children YOU chose to have ... The FOUR CHILDREN you chose to have. It's nice if they do, but it doesn't make them unfeeling and uncaring if they don't. Do you think people don't have other priorities, (you know like a JOB!) and nothing else to do with their life, except look after someone else's children?!

I have not seen one person on here being cruel. Unless you define 'not saying what the OP wants to hear, and not agreeing with them!'

shivermytimbers · 21/08/2017 19:38

You chose to have 4 children
This is such a shitty thing to say! Presumably the OP was under the misapprehension that she was going to be raising these children as part of a couple. Now the Dad's buggered off it's hardly fair to use that self righteous "you've only got yourself to blame" tone. Talk about kicking someone when they're down!

SenatorBunghole · 21/08/2017 19:41

She wasn't shivers, she knew she'd be on her own with them if she carried the youngest to term instead of have the abortion. That makes her ex more, not less of a dick, mind, but she has said she was aware of her choice.

vixsyn · 21/08/2017 19:42

Honestly, I wouldn't take care of my sisters' kids either, I'd have no idea what to do with them or how to keep them entertained.

Personally I think you should be chasing for maintenance. You both made babies, you're both responsible for them. Not reporting him for tax evasion is a disservice to everyone as well.

It sounds as though you're struggling in general - have you thought about talking to your GP and being referred to a social worker? There may be day care or groups your children could attend to give you a break, or you might get access to some home help if the strain of your responsibilities is having an impact on your physcial/mental health.

If you chose to do that though I'd definintely say you should report your ex. These things aren't free services and maybe he'd end up paying for them in a round about way.

SleepThief84 · 21/08/2017 19:43

I don't think people are cruel. I think people are putting themselves in Dsis shoes and thinking 'no way would I want to be expected to do that'. Not everyone can or wants to manage lots of children! And I don't know about anyone else, but unless I have a very close relationship with them (like I do my cousins daughter and my friends three kiddies) I'm not a huge fan of other peoples kids!

Family helping each other out is lovely. Me and my cousin often take each other's DDs because they are close in age (16&18months) and give each other an afternoon or evening off to spend with our partners. All it means we have ONE extra child, with the same needs as our own baby to care for, for a couple of hours. No big deal. I suspect the same arrangement would not be in place if either of us had lots of children though.

EggysMom · 21/08/2017 19:43

Presumably the OP was under the misapprehension that she was going to be raising these children as part of a couple

I hardly think so, given that she says her XP gave her the ultimatum of have an abortion or he leaves. She chose the child.

Sorry but I don't understand the presumption that family should help. That's a benefit, not an obligation. Some here don't have family who will help. Some here don't even have family to ask.

makeminealargeone22 · 21/08/2017 19:48

Why on earth do people heedlessly have so many kids and can't care for them adequately. Take responsibility before expecting other people to bail you out. As a childless by choice teacher, I see the fall out from this behaviour all the time

shivermytimbers · 21/08/2017 19:50

Senator and Eggys I see what you're both saying but by the time he said that, she was already pregnant and, while I would entirely support someone's decision not to continue with a pregnancy, I also think the OP was within her rights to have the baby. Morally, the children's father is also obliged to co-parent as he is equally responsible for the pregnancy, even if he decided not to continue a relationship with the mother. He's the person who has made a reprehensible decision, not the OP

NewBrian · 21/08/2017 19:54

I used to have a family members child all the time, they never had mine, the difference was I hardly noticed theirs was here whereas mine is very full on. Probably similar situation with you looking after your sisters 1 older child sister compared to her having 3 extra kids. I can't imagine how hard it is having sole responsibility of 4dc, even more reason to get maintanence from your ex to pay for a babysitter/clubs/childcare.Why won't you report him when he's abondoned your children?

SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2017 19:54

OP I'm sorry your ex is a twerp. Even if he didn't want the baby and used appropriate contraception, that's no excuse for abandoning the children he presumably previously purported to love.

However if we need help we have to ask for it. Ask you sister if she can have the kids one night / day. some if you can set up some playdates

formerbabe · 21/08/2017 19:56

These situations are just so unfair to women.

If father's want access they can go to court and demand it (not saying that's a bad thing by the way) but if father's refuse to see their children, there's nothing in place to make them. Not sure what could be done about that.. probably nothing.. it just seems so unfair.

lynmilne65 · 21/08/2017 20:03

10green
That's awful
xxFlowers

shivermytimbers · 21/08/2017 20:06

Why on earth do people heedlessly have so many kids and can't care for them adequately. jumping to conclusions there makemine?
OP would understandably like some help and support. She didn't say anything about not caring for her children adequately. Many times, women without support raising children will do so at their own expense. They will make sure that there children's needs are met at the expense of their own health and wellbeing.

hiphopcat · 21/08/2017 20:17

Why on earth do people heedlessly have so many kids and can't care for them adequately. Take responsibility before expecting other people to bail you out. As a childless by choice teacher, I see the fall out from this behaviour all the time

This ^

Sick of apologists to be honest. Why is it someone else's responsibility to look after children people choose to have, when they can't cope/get bored?

The apologists on here accusing people of being nasty and cruel, haven't answered the question I asked 'do you think peoples extended families have sod all else to do with their lives, like WORK for example?!' Moreover, the mother has had children herself, and raised them for 20 plus years. Why should she be having to look after her grandchildren too? And as I said, do you assume she has nothing else to do with her life? Hmm

Nobody forces anyone to have four children. NO-ONE. And yep, the OP chose to do it, like it or not.

I can only surmise that the people fervently defending the OP and attacking anyone having the audacity to not agree with everything she says, are also people who use family for free babysitting when it suits, and cry and moan when they refuse.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/08/2017 20:19

Were you bothered about your sister not having the kids before you fell out with your mum?

Witheredtits · 21/08/2017 20:21

I've had no break in over 2 yrs and I do have a husband. No help from any family - mine or his and he works away a lot. It's bloody hard. You really should count yourself lucky that you've had so much support to date. I wish I had some.

shivermytimbers · 21/08/2017 20:27

I can only surmise that the people fervently defending the OP and attacking anyone having the audacity to not agree with everything she says, are also people who use family for free babysitting when it suits, and cry and moan when they refuse.*
Actually, as I said upthread, I had no support and was in a similar position to the OP. I would have been incredibly glad of a break but never got one. I'm therefore more than happy to help out people who are in that position because it's a shifty place to be and I don't work on the assumption that people are always to blame for their own misfortune.
You are quite right that, although the OP is free to ask for help, her sister is under no obligation to help (although it would be a kind thing to do). However, many posters have moved from that stance to real anger at OP for daring to have 4 children and accusing her of recklessly creating children she can't cope with and, frankly, I think that's a bit of a judgemental leap.

TalkinBoutNuthin · 21/08/2017 20:31

Oh, Mumsnet at it's finest.... bloody hell.

Apples, YANBU to want your sister to offer to have at least one of your DC. It's what close family should do, putting themselves out occasionally to give their loves ones a break, and to spend time with nieces and nephews that they love.

YABU to EXPECT her to. But.... to me it speaks volumes about your sister and what you should be giving to her of yourself - not much!

For me, if my DSis never offered, then I wouldn't feel we were that close. And actually, I have a few sisters, the ones that have offered are the ones that I am close to, not because of looking after my DC, we were close before then. The ones that haven't offered I wouldn't want to have around me all that much anyway. (I live very far away from my family, so it's a rare holiday thing that I see them, but that's by the by!)

Deemail · 21/08/2017 20:40

I think the bigger issue here is you and your mum falling out. You say she used to have your kids all the time, so it sounds as though she was supportive and that you trusted her with your children. She must miss your children and they her.
Could what happened between you be so bad that both of you are willing to sever contact permanently? It sounds drastic

As for your sister, yes I agree families usually would help each other out. Has she ever done so in the past? Maybe she feels overwhelmed by the thoughts of minding 3 or 4 kids of various ages when she's only been used of one.
Does she work, would she actually have spare time to mind your kids?

Deemail · 21/08/2017 20:43

Also if she only feels able to have one or two of yours at a time she might think it's pointless and wouldn't be a break for you if you're still left with other children to mind.

SenatorBunghole · 21/08/2017 20:44

Senator and Eggys I see what you're both saying but by the time he said that, she was already pregnant and, while I would entirely support someone's decision not to continue with a pregnancy, I also think the OP was within her rights to have the baby.

Oh me too, and I'm not saying he's not a dick. Just that it's not true OP thought she would be co-parenting four. My whole point here is that it says a lot that OP seems to reserve more ire for her sister than the person whose actual responsibility the three youngest are.

LogicalPsycho · 21/08/2017 20:58

The apologists on here accusing people of being nasty and cruel, haven't answered the question I asked 'do you think peoples extended families have sod all else to do with their lives, like WORK for example?!' Moreover, the mother has had children herself, and raised them for 20 plus years. Why should she be having to look after her grandchildren too? And as I said, do you assume she has nothing else to do with her life?

I can't help but agree. My DM told me explicitly that she had no intention of being sat in with babies if I decided to have children very young, as she would like a good break to pursue her own interests which she shelved to have a family.
She's had our 3 DC a handful of times, and they're nearly grown now. I don't resent it, she just isn't that type of DGM.
She's becoming it though, and I imagine she will be the older, stay-at-home G-DGM for my DC's children.

hiphopcat · 21/08/2017 21:23

@TalkBoutNuthin

mumsnet at its finest

Yeah isn't it great?! People on here having an opinion of their own and not saying what the OP wants to hear! Who'd have thought it! Shock

This is a message board, not a support board. And she asked AM I BEING UNREASONABLE?

People have said YES you are.

People are allowed to say YABU you know! Hmm

Or would you rather every single person on here just agreed with what everyone else says? That would make for terribly exciting reading wouldn't it? NOT! Hmm

@LogicalPsycho

I can't help but agree. My DM told me explicitly that she had no intention of being sat in with babies if I decided to have children very young, as she would like a good break to pursue her own interests which she shelved to have a family.

She's had our 3 DC a handful of times, and they're nearly grown now. I don't resent it, she just isn't that type of DGM. She's becoming it though, and I imagine she will be the older, stay-at-home G-DGM for my DC's children.

Thanks for that Smile At least you're living proof that some women who have children don't expect their parents who have already spent 20+ years raising children to look after theirs too. As I said, it's nice if they can, but no-one should expect it. And as I said, people have jobs too, and a LIFE!

shivermytimbers · 21/08/2017 22:04

senator - absolutely fair point. He is definitely the shit in this situation!

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