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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister never offers

128 replies

10greenapples · 21/08/2017 17:58

I know I'm probably being U but I thought i would ask anyway to see whats normal in other families. I am a single mum to 4. I recently fell out with my mum who would offer to have my kids all the time to give me a break (usually the oldest 2 but occasionally 3, not the baby as she's bf) anyway since falling out with her she hasn't seen my children, so I literally haven't had a break in over 2 months. My sister has literally not once offered to help out. Despite me saying how tired I am. How I don't get any time to myself etc. aibu in thinking she could offer. I use to have her son all the time as a baby/young child.

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/08/2017 18:56

I'm going to keep it to your sister.
Yes, it would be nice if she offered. She'd be a good sister if she offered.
But, personally, I don't like people who ask for help indirectly. Why not ask her directly if she could have one or the four one day?
When you had her son did she ask or did you offer?

Lweji · 21/08/2017 18:58

I mentioned it in my post, but I'll highlight it as I think this is important to the problem.

I use to have her son all the time as a baby/young child.

Only1scoop · 21/08/2017 18:58

Just ask directly

Maybe build some bridges with your mum. She must miss your dc heaps?

viques · 21/08/2017 18:59

You are still feeding your youngest and have another not at school but have not had a break for three years. Presumably there was a man around for some of that time, shame he did not give you a break rather than impregnating you again. Sorry, I spent today working with parents of children with severe disabilities who really know what being tired and having no support is about, so am probably being unnecessarily harsh , but I am finding it hard to be sympathetic towards you. Make up with your mother, stop having babies, the kids are back at school soon. I think you will survive.

5rivers7hills · 21/08/2017 19:01

I take out my brothers 4 one at a time.

I occasionally baby sit at his house when they are all in bed. They are all 3+ They don't wake it cause trouble once in bed.

No way would I offer to look after them all on my own during the day! 4 is a mental amount of kids if you aren't used to it.

SonicBoomBoom · 21/08/2017 19:01

I love my sister and her 3 children are lovely, but not a fucking chance in hell would I take all three on my own.

mummmy2017 · 21/08/2017 19:02

Just because you can copy with more than one child doesn't mean your sister can.
I moved house with a young child, and my brother and his wife knew, and then told me how lovely there quiet day in the house had been, and they had been thinking about me having to move house with a baby a car, I did 6 trips and had to sell the big furniture for nothing to nextdoor as the van my brother said he would drive was forgotten about.
You should not expect anyone to do anything, that way you know it will get done.

NotMyMonkees · 21/08/2017 19:02

I'm not surprised you need a break, four kids all summer holiday must be exhausting. Do you have any friends who could have a couple of them, and then you take theirs for a bit? At least then you might get some quieter times.

HelloSquirrels · 21/08/2017 19:07

I don't think I'd offer to look after 4 kids either to be honest. Even if they were the most lovely well behaved kids ever because I'd just be overwhelmed! Have you asked her to have them?

Leeds2 · 21/08/2017 19:10

Could you ask your sister to have just one of them for you? The one closest in age to her child, or the one who gets on best with his/her cousin? And maybe offer to look after your sister's child in return?

littlebird77 · 21/08/2017 19:11

I don't think you are getting much support on here, as most parents are tired at this time of year, not helped by the rain!

Ring round and see what friends can help definitely, I think most people would want to help you with a new baby to contend with as well
Soft play is always a hit, you can spend hours there effortlessly
Parks and picnics if the sun shines

If you have the money, why not book a mobile therapist to come to your house for a massage? They are relatively inexpensive and can come to your house in the evening. Failing that a candle lit hot bath, face mask, glass of your favourite wine. Anything that makes you feel a bit loved and cared for.

I suspect you are missing your mum.

WalkingInTheAir13 · 21/08/2017 19:12

formerbabe

Out of all these posts, you're the only one showing a modicum of compassion towards the OP, especially
"Only on mumsnet do people think family helping each other out is unreasonable."
And I totally agree with you.

Jedimum1 · 21/08/2017 19:12

I have no nearby family and I might get a break once a year if lucky. I understand that you are tired and really wishing that someone helps. You shouldn't expect it and it's not your DSis responsibility. However, I'd ask her whether you could give a rest to each other by maybe looking after her child once in a while, if she does that for you once in a while as well. However, considering you have 4 and she has 1, maybe add in the mix sobre entry to a soft play area or somewhere where she can have the children contained. Or better yet, that she does it when your older kids have school, so she'd only have to look after the baby. Alternatively, contact local childminders and ask if any would be able to do one day a month for your baby, once school starts. It might be the best £50/month you spend! Look at local playgroups, they are cheaper and might give you 3-5h once a week.

The best way to avoid frustration and disappointment is stop expecting things and ask directly if needed. Good luck x

WalkingInTheAir13 · 21/08/2017 19:14

Apologies littlebird77 cross post.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 21/08/2017 19:14

I think my in laws babysat for us twice and we left our two at their house for one evening with both in laws and my mum. I left my son with my neighbour for a couple of hours to go shopping and again for similar once with my mum.

They were mine, my responsibility and that was that. I had (have) a husband, who ran his own business and was out of the house from 6am to 7pm every day except Sunday.

happymumof4crazykids · 21/08/2017 19:16

My ex only has our children for 3 hrs once a week (my eldest 2) he refuses to do anymore and has outright refused overnights. My family don't have the kids and my OH (father of my other 2) works away 5/7 days a week. It's alll part and parcel
Of being a parent. I do feel a bit jealous of people whose family/parents have their kids for them sometimes but the rest of the time I just get on with it!

NC4now · 21/08/2017 19:16

Do you get out of the house? When I was a single mum I had to go out every day, even if it was just to the park.
It was a break for them to run free and I'd take a flask of tea .. z.and a book when they were older

llangennith · 21/08/2017 19:18

When you're a single parent of three or more children you cope because you have to, not because it's easy or because it's fun. To outsiders, including family, it probably looks as though you're coping just fine.
You have to ask for help. Tell your sister, or anyone else that might be ably to help, that you'd really appreciate an hour's break from one or more children.

Dustbunny1900 · 21/08/2017 19:21

Of course helping family out isn't unreasonable. It's lovely and admirable , when it's freely offered. It's not an obligation or entitlement though that can be demanded. That's what people are having a problem with. The entitlement and feeling that it's their job or duty to take your children.
I'm personally angry that the father is being let off the hook so maybe I sounded ruder than I should have.

SkintAsASkintThing · 21/08/2017 19:25

I don't think yabu tbh.......but it works both ways. I used to have my sisters two for her sometimes and she'd return the favour.

Out of interest why did you fall out with your mum ?? Is it really worth it ?? In my experience family fall outs rarely are and we all sit around with our noses cut off to spite our faces.

If it's something petty pick up the damn phone, make the move before it drags on for years........she sounds like.she'd been quite a good mum at some point if you'd previously trusted her to loom after the children. Flowers

Namesarehard · 21/08/2017 19:27

Yabu. You chose to have 4 children. Besides the father they're no one else's priority.

Whataboutmeee · 21/08/2017 19:29

Maybe the fourth child is older with a different father as op says she has three with ex?

junebirthdaygirl · 21/08/2017 19:30

People here are so cruel. I have 3 dcs. My dm and my dsis and sil took them for weekends etc if we had a wedding or away for a break. Its not unheard of. I have taken 3 dc for friends and family regularly. Its no big deal. Do you have a friend who would swap ?
Op get back in touch with your dm. She sounds supportive so maybe its worth letting go the grievance between ye. You need support. She is probably the only one you can depend on.
People being so harsh here have no idea how much some families support each other.

lidless35 · 21/08/2017 19:30

I cant imagine how you cope with all the responsibility on your own. I would have 'gone under' in your position. I think you need to tell you're Sister the truth. You are struggling. If she cant help for whatever reason then perhaps you could get in touch with 'Home Start' or similar. Perhaps they can offer you some support temporarily.

Whataboutmeee · 21/08/2017 19:35

Anyway I am sure you must be exhausted. I am a single parent to two dc with no involvement from their father. I agree that's unusual as I have lots of single parent friends who get every other weekend and half the holidays to themselves but I don't know anyone whose ex refuses to see the dc.

It's hard but she is not obliged. You have to be really proactive about finding any childcare you can to ease the load e.g. holiday clubs (there is a free one in my area although the children come home for lunch,) playgroup for the younger ones which can be reasonable, accept any offer of help even if someone will just take one of them.

I would also think of making amends with your mother.