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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister never offers

128 replies

10greenapples · 21/08/2017 17:58

I know I'm probably being U but I thought i would ask anyway to see whats normal in other families. I am a single mum to 4. I recently fell out with my mum who would offer to have my kids all the time to give me a break (usually the oldest 2 but occasionally 3, not the baby as she's bf) anyway since falling out with her she hasn't seen my children, so I literally haven't had a break in over 2 months. My sister has literally not once offered to help out. Despite me saying how tired I am. How I don't get any time to myself etc. aibu in thinking she could offer. I use to have her son all the time as a baby/young child.

OP posts:
HotelEuphoria · 21/08/2017 18:29

Really sorry but I have doubts about is post.

Flyingflipflop · 21/08/2017 18:31

He doesn't pay maintenance and never will as he gets cash in hand and I won't be reporting.

So because you won't report we have to pay for your kids?

Underthemoonlight · 21/08/2017 18:32

04/08/2017 10:43 10greenapples

I have 3 children with me ex, they are 7, 3 and 10 weeks, we split just before I found out I was pregnant with the youngest. he was awful through my pregnancy and decided he wanted nothing to do with any of the children if I decided to continue with the pregnancy. Which he has stuck to and hasn't seen them in 8 months, and never seen the baby. The thing is I don't receive tax credits for the youngest as she was born after the cut off point. Ex doesn't pay a penny in maintenance and as he gets cash in hand there is nothing they can do. We haven't spoke at all in the last 3 months. Before that he would contact me every month or so but hadn't seen the children. I'm struggling to get by and I don't see why he should get off Scott free. I'm wondering if he has started working in the last few months, but I am not sure. Would it be a waste of time contacting them? Since I have to pay now to open a case aswell.

I'm confused op it says here you've got three dc not four?

ButchyRestingFace · 21/08/2017 18:33

Really sorry but I have doubts about is post.

Now, now, just because someone is having the Usain Bolt of runs of bad luck, doesn't mean you should read anything cynical into it.

Nice sitting, children. 🍭

NotMyPenguin · 21/08/2017 18:34

YABU, it's not really her responsibility. For what it's worth, I've been in the same position and my sister never offered either. I felt a bit weird about it, but I got over it. It would have been nicer to have an offer of help, but there's no obligation and you never know what another person is struggling with themselves that makes it hard to have any extra to offer.

NicolasFlamel · 21/08/2017 18:34

It's hard to have sympathy when you're actively choosing to make it harder for yourself. Okay he doesn't contribute, he's a twat. More fool you for not reporting him!
It is nice to have family support but as you can see from so many posts on here many don't and they have to crack on. Unfortunately nobody is entitled to childcare from their family members. Maybe if you reported him and fought to get maintenance from him you could hire a babysitter once in a while.

Gorgosparta · 21/08/2017 18:36

I thought you had 3 kids.

Monny · 21/08/2017 18:36

I get it and I don't think you are BU to want a break. Being a single mum is hard work and exhausting. Sorry to hear that their Dad is being a useless fecker - he is ultimately the one that should be helping. But "should" and reality are very different things...

It would be nice if your sister could give you a break sometimes, but you can't "expect it". Can you just ask her? Or do you have the means to "buy" yourself a break such as babysitter, kids club, or some other regular childcare?

InvisibleKittenAttack · 21/08/2017 18:38

While I'm normally in the camp of "the parents are the only ones who are expected to look after children" - it is very shitty to accept help/breaks for your child/ren from a sibling then not repay the favour when they have DCs.

Perhaps suggest she has only some of the DCs, it might feel like she has to offer to have them all or nothing, which is a bit much for her, and don't ask for an overnight to start with - perhaps something like "would you mind having the older 2 for a few hours on Saturday/Sunday so I can do something with just [DC3] and I'll take [DC4] along?" or "would you be able to have DC3 &4 for a few hours so I can spend some time with DCs1&2 without their younger siblings taking my attention?"

A few hours and only a couple of them might seem more 'doable' for her.

I must say, if your Mum is the only one who'll ever give you a break and offer to have all 4 of your DCs in one go, or even just the older 3, then you need to make it up to her and make a big effort to avoid falling out with her in the future, clearly you need her support. Swallow your pride and go apologise, even if you aren't the one in the wrong.

(Also could it be your DSis agrees your Mum is the in the right and so isn't offering to try and make you see the value of what help your Mum gives to you?)

Copperbeech33 · 21/08/2017 18:40

I'm confused op it says here you've got three dc not four?

it doesn't matter does it, mybe OP is deliberately confusing up details to remain anonymous. For the purpose of this discussion, 3 or 4 makes no difference.

MsWanaBanana · 21/08/2017 18:40

i thought you had 3 kids Loads of people change number of children/age of children they have so they can't be identified. Doesn't mean she's lying

Copperbeech33 · 21/08/2017 18:41

quite

WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 21/08/2017 18:42

I often change details of things on here.

Usually when I name change and ask something potentially identifying.

I thought everyone changed some details occasionally.

londonrach · 21/08/2017 18:42

Yabu but you know that!!!

planetclom · 21/08/2017 18:43

So you fall out with mum, don't chase your ex for maintenance, have 3 or 4 children and yet your sister is the one at fault!
Report him to whoever to pay maintenance and make him face up to his responsibilities he sounds pathetic and while you're there if he does get paid cash in hand report him to HMRC.

Mollieben · 21/08/2017 18:45

My sister has 4 children. I have never looked after all 4 at the same time. It would be too much alongside my own 2.

FuzzyOwl · 21/08/2017 18:45

YABU to expect her or anyone else to offer but I come from a family where we do help one another and I would also help out a friend in a similar situation if necessary, so I can understand if you see other families doing so and feel upset yours don't.

Maybe, especially with a child of her own, perhaps the summer holidays aren't the best time to hope your sister helps out. Once the eldest are back at school, could you ask her to have your second youngest occasionally to give you a break?

Also, I agree with you about fathers. I don't know any who are not involved to some extent with their children and I'm shocked, saddened and surprised from reading this that it is more normal for them to be uninvolved.

Vanillamanilla1 · 21/08/2017 18:47

I'm wondering if he was working cash in hand whilst you were together that's why you won't report him
Just get that feeling
And yes YABU they're your kids , you chose to have them , get on with it

Dustbunny1900 · 21/08/2017 18:47

Your ex is the one who needs to be helping (at least with money, his legal responsibility, if not physically being in their lives ) not your family. They didn't climb up on you and inseminate you or decide to have your kids. So work on that, instead of expecting your sister to take responsibility for you and your mans responsibility.
It's nice when family helps out. But they aren't obligated to.

Babyblues14 · 21/08/2017 18:48

They are your kids. If you were not prepared to have them all the time and not get any help then that's your problem. I wouldn't expect any of my family to offer to take then for me to give me a break. I wont even be asking them for childcare when I go back to work after mat leave. If they offer it would be lovely but I certainly won't be asking them or expecting them to

formerbabe · 21/08/2017 18:49

Only on mumsnet do people think family helping each other out is unreasonable.

shivermytimbers · 21/08/2017 18:50

Hi OP
I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time on here!
I was in your situation for years (only with 2 children and that was hard enough) and it really ground me down!
I think you should explain to your sister how you are feeling and ask her if she feels she could help. She might say now, but I think then you'd know for sure what help you have available.
I found that the only way I could cope without any support was to organise my life with as many short cuts as possible, so that I could carve out an hour of peace each day to recharge my batteries. This might be more possible for you once they older ones are back at school ans, as time goes on, once they baby starts to sleep better.
Hang on in there Flowers

shivermytimbers · 21/08/2017 18:52

That was sooo full of typos! Blush

SleepThief84 · 21/08/2017 18:53

If I'm honest, as a mother of just one rampaging toddler there is no way I would be volunteering to look after four additional kids unless it was a life or death emergency, family or not. My friend has three aged 2, 4 and 6 so not even babies and I watched them (without DD, she was at home with OH) for three hours at her house while she had an emergency hospital appointment as she was really stuck for childcare at short notice. Lovely, well behaved kids, but my god I was glad to go home! Saying that I always thought I'd re-train as a childminder when I had my own family - an idea that went swiftly out of the window when DD was born and I though 'fuck that!'

Sometimes (not always) people choose to only have one or two children because the thought of a large family fills them with utter horror (me!). Two will be my limit. Bear that in mind. Not everyone likes to spend time with hoards of kids.

I feel for you, it must be very, very hard work on your own. But, you are their mother and they are your responsibility, no one else 'should' be volunteering to look after them. YABU. Ask if you are really stuck, but don't get offended if she says no, or only wants to have one or two.

littlebird77 · 21/08/2017 18:54

No one has ever offered to look after my dc - even when I was ill/hospital. I know you wish they would! They are your dc and you are going to be tired, so now you need to put together a plan and build in breaks for yourself. No other way, you are depend on you.

Otherwise make up with your mum, I am sure she misses you all, and then you have your helping hand back. You were lucky to have her as long as you did.