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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister never offers

128 replies

10greenapples · 21/08/2017 17:58

I know I'm probably being U but I thought i would ask anyway to see whats normal in other families. I am a single mum to 4. I recently fell out with my mum who would offer to have my kids all the time to give me a break (usually the oldest 2 but occasionally 3, not the baby as she's bf) anyway since falling out with her she hasn't seen my children, so I literally haven't had a break in over 2 months. My sister has literally not once offered to help out. Despite me saying how tired I am. How I don't get any time to myself etc. aibu in thinking she could offer. I use to have her son all the time as a baby/young child.

OP posts:

GoldTippedFeather · 21/08/2017 18:17

*Where is

mamatiger83 · 21/08/2017 18:17

I have this but opposite with my dsis, she has 3dc, 2 of which are young and a teenager, I have 2dc 10 and 12, she works full time as does her partner, I'm at uni and my dh works full time. She does seem to resent that I am not always readily available to look after her children whenever she needs it. I love spending time with nieces and nephew and happy to help out where I can but feel like this should be around my schedule, I may not work but have a full enough plate with my own kids, uni work, soon to involve placement (hopefully!) and dh.
As silly as it sounds it feels as though she thinks my time has no value as I'm not bringing in a wage and therefore her need for childcare trumps my need to spend x amount of hours researching and writing an assignment.

Copperbeech33 · 21/08/2017 18:18

its nothing to do with your family, they are under no obligation to you at all. I've been a single mother for 18 years, my brother once took my teenager out for an hour and a half. My mother babysat for one day whilst I was having surgery. That is the sum total of the family help I have had, I wouldn't expect or ask for anything else, and we are quite a close family.

mamatiger83 · 21/08/2017 18:18

That was off topic I apologise it just really struck a chord with me about not realising that other people have stuff going on too.

Copperbeech33 · 21/08/2017 18:19

I'm the only person I know whose ex is completely absent. I think it's unusual. I wouldn't say it's more common to not be involved.

not unusual at all. Extremely common

Original poster

10greenapples · 21/08/2017 18:20

He hasn't been involved in 9 months. He has never seen the baby. Yes we were together before but I'm not talking about then I'm talking about now. He doesn't pay maintenance and never will as he gets cash in hand and I won't be reporting.

OP posts:

hiphopcat · 21/08/2017 18:20

@100greenapples

It's not anyone else's job to look after your kids, not your mom's nor your sisters sorry OP. I know with 4 kids you probably need a break now and again. And I'm not trying to be unkind, but why have you had four kids, if you get tired/struggle/need help?

You and the father/fathers of the children are responsible for these children. No-one else. Where is the baby daddy?

If you struggle really bad, could you get involved in a friendship/mommy group where you can take it in turns to look after each others kids for the afternoon.

I have known many people who have had kids and expect their parents and family to look after them for them, when they get tired or fed up with them. It's hard looking after kids, but it's no-one's responsibility but the parents, and it's unfair to expect anyone else to do it. I have also seen several people fall out with parents when they won't continually look after the grandkids when it suits them. Very mean imo.

YABU.

formerbabe · 21/08/2017 18:20

No one apart from you and the children's father is obliged to look after your children

Yes but many father's refuse to have anything to do with their DC. So they're not really obliged to take care of their children and it's usually the mum who is left doing it all alone.

ButchyRestingFace · 21/08/2017 18:22

She should offer to take one of your kids, as a sort of quid pro quo.

But I'm not sure how this would give you much of a rest, since you'd still have to have your beady on the other three?

Perhaps concentrate on making up with your mother instead?

eyebrowsonfleek · 21/08/2017 18:22

I think yabu to expect help from your mum/sister more than the dad (dads? ) of your kids.

What age are the other kids? Is your house big enough that if they fight they can stay in different areas of the house? Are any of them going back to school soon?

Most dads don't see their kids regularly even though MN gives the impression that everyone's doing 50/50 with their ex. (This is very unusual based on real families that I know) Even with people who are SAHM or have husbands who work away, I don't think that 2 months of no child free time is unusual at all.

Billben · 21/08/2017 18:24

YABU big time

Original poster

10greenapples · 21/08/2017 18:24

Youngest wasn't planned ex wanted me to have an abortion or he would have nothing to do with us (me and his other children) Which he has stuck to. I never expected my mum to. She always offered.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 21/08/2017 18:24

It is always a shame when families aren't kind and helpful to each other. It makes life nicer for everyone.

caffeinestream · 21/08/2017 18:24

I don't think it's that unusual to have absent ex's, unfortunately. Of course it's disgusting that he's not involved but sadly I don't think it's particularly rare if MN and the single parents I know IRL are to go by.

I also think having four children to look after is a lot different than watching one or two. People might not feel they can cope with their own children plus your three (assuming you keep the baby with you) and that only offering to take one or two wouldn't be much help or unfair on the ones they don't offer to look after.

Could you ask your sister to take the oldest two? Or can you afford to pay for a babysitter for a few hours? I get it must be really tough to look after four kids on your own but it's also a big ask to expect anyone else to take on that many kids for a significant period, especially if they have children of their own.

I hope things get easier for you though

ReanimatedSGB · 21/08/2017 18:24

Maybe your sister just has enough to worry about in her own life at present. Maybe she's working, or studying, or unwell.

Did you fall out with your mum because your mum got tired of your constant demands for childcare, by any chance?

Hillingdon · 21/08/2017 18:25

Where is the father and if its the same man why did you go onto have other children?

Sorry, but these are your children that you chose to have!

ilovesooty · 21/08/2017 18:26

It might be to your advantage to build bridges with your mum, or try asking your sister directly rather than hinting and waiting for an offer.

Underthemoonlight · 21/08/2017 18:26

I agree with everyone however unfortunate your situation is your dc are your sole responsibility ( as father wishes not to have access) it's not up to your mother or sister to pull the extra weight you've been left by your ex. I have to say why did you go on to have a fourth if you were already struggling with no help? Kids are hard work it's part and parcel of being a parent I'm afraid.

Hillingdon · 21/08/2017 18:27

Why don't people take responsibility for their own actions. I am sure your children are lovely but they are your responsibility!

Gorgosparta · 21/08/2017 18:28

Your choice is

Build bridges with your mum

Ask your sister, but be prepared for her to say no or only take 1. Not giving you a break.

Accept this is your new normal

Hillingdon · 21/08/2017 18:28

I are sure she will say it wasn't planned etc etc

AnnetteCurtains · 21/08/2017 18:28

I think you are going to have to just get on with it

Original poster

10greenapples · 21/08/2017 18:29

No I didn't fall out with my mum because of your made up reason! Believe it or not some grandparents like having their grandkids! Why we fell out isn't relevant but no it wasnt that. I already said he done this when I kept the last baby. Before that we were together in a relationship. Then he turned.

OP posts:

ButchyRestingFace · 21/08/2017 18:29

Oh Christ, it's you, Greenapples.

I hadn't even looked at the OP's name. That'll larn me!

Underthemoonlight · 21/08/2017 18:29

Just seen your update I see you continued with the pregnancy against what your ex wanted, I don't mean this harshly but we live by the choices we make we cannot expect others to pick up the short fall. Especially when the other person has her own dc work etc.

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