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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be shocked by teenage girls clothing lately

439 replies

fcek · 19/08/2017 17:43

I have my DNiece age 14 on facebook. When she likes a friend's photo, it sometimes appears on my newsfeed (and DH's newsfeed)

DNiece is a sensible girl but like most kids she has everyone at school on her facebook.

So this photo she liked appeared on our facebook newsfeeds today and my DH is shocked and disgusted.

The friend of DNiece is 14. We've met her a few times. She looks older than she is, part due to her height and her development (she's very womanly already) and part due to her clothing being adult woman rather than a 14 year old.

But in this picture, its just awful what she is wearing. She's doing pretty much a kim kardashian bathroom selfie, with a kim kardashian style swimsuit. The ones that cover only half the boob and pushes up your tits. The kind you would see on a lads mag. It's just awful awful.

I thought to myself how can her parents let her dress like that, maybe they aren't on facebook, but low and behold her mother is and has liked and commented on that photo plus others.

Looking through DNiece's other friends (none of whom seem to have private facebook pages) there are quite a few others with very revealing photos.

There's guys with joints, alcohol, knives etc.

DNiece dresses appropriately when I see her, her pictures are all normal 14 year old pictures, but I am a bit concerned about who she is friends with but I won't say...not really my place.

Is this what teenage years are like now? I'm worried about my DD's next few year now.

I know I may get flamed for commenting on what someone wears though. Name changed so no one in RL recognises us

OP posts:
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TatianaLarina · 19/08/2017 19:57

So what if he thinks she's 16? Does thinking she's 16 allow him to harass and assault her?

Harass yes, absolutely. Men give themselves permission to harass girls who simply look like they might be 16.

"I swear I thought she was 16 guv'nor'.

Elendon · 19/08/2017 20:00

What I want to know is why parents bring their 14 year old's to beaches to swim given that there must be loads of men about who can't control their urges.

crazyhorses3 · 19/08/2017 20:01

I am really surprised so many people think it's okay for a fourteen year old girl to wear a swimsuit like that. I think it looks bloody awful on an adult woman, never mind a child. I would be horrified to see a 14 year old in that, and the mother needs her head examined. Won't be long before she's doing naked selfies for her boyfriend, and he's sharing them with his friends. Also sadly the norm.

Elendon · 19/08/2017 20:03

She might be gay though?

crazyhorses3 · 19/08/2017 20:03

The pressure to look hyper sexualised is also causing massive self esteem/eating problems/self harming amongst girls. I have a family member who is a headteacher and the sort of stuff they have to deal with on a daily basis beggars belief.

TheSparrowhawk · 19/08/2017 20:06

'So what if he thinks she's 16? Does thinking she's 16 allow him to harass and assault her?

Harass yes, absolutely. Men give themselves permission to harass girls who simply look like they might be 16.

"I swear I thought she was 16 guv'nor'.'

Right, so because men are sexual predators who harass teenagers, girls have to be afraid and change the way they dress?

SmokedPigletGuts · 19/08/2017 20:08

Sparrow

It seems like you're shouting in all your posts, I feel like I don't want to respond.

I think you need to calm down a bit.

TatianaLarina · 19/08/2017 20:09

The pressure to look hyper sexualised is also causing massive self esteem/eating problems/self harming amongst girls. I have a family member who is a headteacher and the sort of stuff they have to deal with on a daily basis beggars belief.

I agree crazy - I wouldn't want to be a teenage girl now. I think the pressure from perfect (airbrushed) imagery, from hypersexualised imagery and from porn - is phenomenal.

SylviaPoe · 19/08/2017 20:10

'The pressure to look hyper sexualised is also causing massive self esteem/eating problems/self harming amongst girls.'

Only a minority of 14 year old girls have an interest in dressing the way that is discussed. So the pressure to look hyper sexualised may be one contributory factor in a minority of the girls with mental health problems.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/08/2017 20:12

Ellisandra. I totally agree about warding men off. I do talk to dd about people, not men, yet. I am friends with mums of 11 yr olds and there was a 11/12 yr old on the park (just finished yr7) wearing a very short skirt and crop top. They definitely didn't approve and wouldn't let their dds go out like that. I think by 13, or perhaps more likely 14, girls start to wear more revealing clothes, but they hopefully have the skills to ward off men. I am sorry to read of your terrible experience as at child.

TheSparrowhawk · 19/08/2017 20:12

I have to laugh at all this 'hypersexualised' talk as though this is some sort of new problem. Women's bodies are just bodies, same as men's. But women are taught that their bodies are sexual objects and women themselves reinforce that message when they tell young girls that simply showing their body is a sexual act. In countries where women are required to cover their entire body, hair to foot, women are still raped in their millions. Clothes do not cause sexual assault.

SylviaPoe · 19/08/2017 20:17

'I do talk to dd about people, not men, yet.'

Why?!

Ellisandra · 19/08/2017 20:18

Sparrow asking me if a swimsuit is a problem...

I'm not sure what you're asking me? I'm the one with the 8yo in crop tops!

My 8yo has a swimsuit that makes her look 8.
She also has a bikini that is quite full - no triangles etc - and not "sexy" BUT the colour and style (one shoulder, long frill) would - my 17yo SD says - be acceptable for her to wear.
My child is too short for it to make her look older, but it is an older look.

Again...
What she wears is less important to me that trying to build her awareness and confidence that if on the beach aged 14 in the same outfit, a man starts talking to her, she doesn't think "I'm hot, he likes me, yay!" but "ugh - predatory peeve, right, let's make sure my friends are around me and I don't go to the out of the war beach loo on my own, cos that could be a risk".

Now I hate that I'll be teaching my poor girl to make the same safety choices as me about isolated toilets Angry

But I think that will keep her safer than telling her not to where a particular swimsuit on the beach.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/08/2017 20:20

Sylvia

She's just turned 9. She doesn't go out by herself. And doesn't want to know how babies are made. So I'm not going to talk about men and sex yet.

SylviaPoe · 19/08/2017 20:21

I agree with that 100% Ellisandra.

I have always told DD and DS to watch out for predatory behaviour, rather than worrying if they're the cause.

SylviaPoe · 19/08/2017 20:23

She doesn't need to know about sex to know that many people get hurt by violent men.

Dina1234 · 19/08/2017 20:23

As someone who was recently a teenager I can say that that is not what normal teenagers do, you should be having a word with her parents.

Ellisandra · 19/08/2017 20:24

littledragon thank you.

I look at it this way - it opened my eyes. I was very happy at the time (so there was a period when I struggled with "but I said yes") so I didn't suffer a trauma at that age. When I was old enough to recognise it as abuse, I was old enough to process it. And it might have made me safer, realising what happens.

That's why I want my daughter to know about predators.

And if she is ever harassed or assaulted, I don't want her crying in her room unable to tell me because of a voice in her head (that I helped to plant) saying "well, I was wearing..."

I want her sobbing in my arms shouting and believing "that arsehole had to fucking right".

I want to teach her about risks, and about mitigating them - I don't want to teach her that it's her fault.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/08/2017 20:25

She knows some of that sort of stuff Sylvia. This is different to sex. She was witness to how my brother treated me a month ago unfortunately.

TatianaLarina · 19/08/2017 20:26

Right, so because men are sexual predators who harass teenagers, girls have to be afraid and change the way they dress?

Some men. Girls need to be educated on the pressure to look hypersexualised, and to the effects of seeming older than you are and how to deal with the attention that comes with it.

Teenage girls currently dress according to societal pressure that values looks and sexiness in women above all. How would girls choose to dress if you took away the entire media, porn and fashion industries? Probably very differently.

grasspigeons · 19/08/2017 20:28

She should be able to wear what she likes without being sexually assaulted and Ive no doubt what she wears makes no difference to the likliehood of an actual sexual assault as perpetrators look for vulnerable people combined with the opportunity. In the real world.

But the online world is a bit different, the perpetrators have found themselves a vulnerable person. A child who hasn't locked down her account.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/08/2017 20:29

I don't want to teach her that it's her fault. I hope that's not what your family thought. Thankfully today, what happened to you is far less societally acceptable.

StarHeartDiamond · 19/08/2017 20:30

I was a teenager in the 90s and we were positively covered up comparatively even though we were trendy (or thought we were). Hold on, I've remembered tight bootleg trousers and crop tops Grin

TatianaLarina · 19/08/2017 20:31

Sparrowhawk you are continually arguing with a position in your head that's not actually on the page.

OSETmum · 19/08/2017 20:34

I don't think teenagers tend to dress that outrageously these days when out and about, when I was a teenager it was all low rise jeans with thongs poking out the top and net tops!

I think the problem is the pressures of social media and how easy it is to take selfies without really thinking about it. Oh and snapchat filters which make people look so different to the real them.