To update you on controlling weight-obsessed dad

[Petitefleurblanche]

This is a TAAT so please delete if not allowed, admin, but I posted yesterday about the fact that my dad has been critical of my weight all my life (to the point of being emotionally abusive and causing me to have an eating disorder) and is now demanding that I lose 2.5 stone by 18th November which is when we were due to fly abroad to meet family. He had also agreed to lend me the tuition fees for med school but only if I lose weight. I asked for that thread to be deleted in the end as I was worried that it would be too identifying (thank you admin for agreeing to delete it) but I just wanted to update you -

I am going to tell him tonight that I am now not going abroad with him and I no longer want the loan for med school. I'm going to find a way to study something (probably not medicine now) to improve mine and my baby's situation without his extremely conditional help. And that if he ever mentions my weight again I will not speak to him ever again. It ends now.

Thank you to everyone who responded kindly to the original thread.

Oh goodness, he is so controlling! I'd just leave it completely now OP and if it's brought up again then say very sternly 'I have already told you I won't be discussing this with you.'

He has huge problems and they're NOTHING to do with you , this is all about him.

Well done

Thanks Dame I am going to leave it now

Wow, he sounds very fucked up!

You're doing the right thing for your own sanity. I have a family who have placed conditions on me also (not to this degree), yet I could never comply with demands.

Good luck with everything. Just remember they are his issues and not yours. Do what makes YOU happy.

Good for you. Your health will be infinitely better without him. Being slightly overweight is nothing like as bad as the stress, mental illness and disordered eating that having to put up with that attitude could potentially cause. You ARE doing what's best for your own health and wellbeing and that of your daughter. It must have taken a lot of courage to stand up to him. Well done

Thank you

OP - well done for realising he will never change and striving forward to live your life on your terms. I didn't act until the end.

The very last thing my father said to me on his death bed was "imablackstarnotapopstar xxxxx or whatever your surname is these days, your bottom is absolutely enormous" - I, for the first time in my life looked him straight in the eye and told him what I thought of him and walked out, never to see him again.

imablackstarnotapopstar that's horrible, I'm sorry. What is wrong with some people??

@VladimirsPoutine - if the OP took her dad's money, he would use that to carry on emotionally abusing her. Look at what he said to her in his latest message - what decent, loving father says something like that? Can you see how damaging it would be for her to stay in that sort of abusive and manipulative relationship?

@Petitefleurblanche - your strength is amazing - you are doing so well. You deserve to be loved and valued just as you are.

You made the right call, OP.

Yowsers! That's fucked up.

You can't put a price on mental health. I'd not only refuse the money i'd go nc. Concentrate on you and your child.

Well done op he sounds like a superficial arse x

Thanks everyone, I think it's going to end up NC anyway as he's not replied to me and I won't try with him anymore. It's sad and stupid but he's the one losing out! And I don't want his messed-up attitude around my dd.

Good on you, that's the way

A parent should love their child unconditionally. Your father is therefore a failure as a parent. I think you would be wise to go NC, you do not want his pernicious influence around your DD.

Well done standing up to him. You seem to be coping well with his inevitable reaction, but don't be afraid to seek counselling if it gets hard.

I really think you have done the right thing. You will find a way to get the qualifications you want. I honestly believe if you had accepted your DF terms you would have ended up cracking under the stress of trying to do a challenging course with a Sword of Damocles hanging over you.
Best of luck.

How about replying "Dad, I'm quite worried about your weight and also your mental health. As you know, you're rapidly approaching your Deathday - I mean it can't be more than 10 or 15 years you're around."

Did you say to him that if he mentions your weight again that you will cut off contact?

You cannot tell whether a person is unhealthy just by their weight, that is a fact. People with a "normal" bmi are not automatically healthier by default, health does not work like that. It annoys me that the health service and the government are so obsessed with bmi when it was never developed for deciding whether a person is healthy or not.

There is so much scientific evidence out there that disproves the old adage that you need to be thin to be healthy, but it doesn't get much mainstream attention because of the money that the diet and health industry make. If Slimming World and Weight Watchers really worked they'd get no repeat business and would have gone bankrupt years ago.

So pleased that you have distanced yourself from your father OP, a parent's love should be unconditional and not dependent on your physical appearance. Good luck with your very bright future.

I do have a couple of stone to lose but I was advised not to try to do it too soon after having dd. I started dieting when she was about 10 months old (I was ill with gallstones for a few months before that and then had my gallbladder removed so had drastically reduced fat in my diet anyway) and I've lost about a stone in the last three months, so ok not brilliant but it's still a stone! But apparently that's not good enough for him. I'll carry on losing weight for my own happiness and wellbeing, not because he wants me to. It's not about my health for him anyway, hence him saying (where I quoted above) that I used to be pretty and I'm not now, and that it's natural for him to want to be proud of my appearance. He's never seemed bothered about my mental health, that's for sure.

I think the bit that hurt me the most was where he said my dd would notice that I'm fat when she's older, like she'd be ashamed of me. I've brought her up single handed and I think I've done a pretty good job. I think she'll be proud of me!

Thanks for your support everyone, I appreciate it

I'm rather on the big side at the moment (as well as pregnant!) My daughter tells me I look 'very pretty today mummy' even if I look and feel like crap.

I doubt very much your dd will care what weight you are. To her you will just be her beautiful mummy.

mino that's lovely

Petite a slower weight loss is normal and healthy. And you are not big so it will come off slower.

Your dad is a cunt and knows NOTHING about health. I had gallstones Mine was caused by fast weight loss. I lost 7 stone in 7 months and it took me over a year to lose the final 3 I lost 10 stone altogether

The second time i had to lose weight i had 4 stone to lose which took over 3 years Sometimes only a pound and a half off in a month. So it took longer but the weight stays off easier if its a slow loss.

But your dad doesnt care about health because hes an emotionally abusive arsehole.

And he might get a nasty shock when he needs care in his old age. Cos no one will want to do it.

You are right to go NC You do not want him or his shit around you or your DD

Helena you lost ten stone? That's incredible, you're amazing! And thank you, you're right

Petite you are pretty amazing yourself. You can achieve your career dreams and whatever else you want to do.

You dont need him.

petite I've lost about 5 stone in the past two and a bit years. And it has stayed off. It's all about changing your habits to healthier ones and going slow and steady - that way you don't screw up your metabolism.

And you have to do it for you. Your DD will love you whatever size you are because it's obvious you are a great mum and a great human being.