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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To update you on controlling weight-obsessed dad

130 replies

Petitefleurblanche · 19/08/2017 11:14

This is a TAAT so please delete if not allowed, admin, but I posted yesterday about the fact that my dad has been critical of my weight all my life (to the point of being emotionally abusive and causing me to have an eating disorder) and is now demanding that I lose 2.5 stone by 18th November which is when we were due to fly abroad to meet family. He had also agreed to lend me the tuition fees for med school but only if I lose weight. I asked for that thread to be deleted in the end as I was worried that it would be too identifying (thank you admin for agreeing to delete it) but I just wanted to update you -

I am going to tell him tonight that I am now not going abroad with him and I no longer want the loan for med school. I'm going to find a way to study something (probably not medicine now) to improve mine and my baby's situation without his extremely conditional help. And that if he ever mentions my weight again I will not speak to him ever again. It ends now.

Thank you to everyone who responded kindly to the original thread.

OP posts:

Cocolepew · 19/08/2017 12:20

Good for you

IGotRainedOn · 19/08/2017 12:22

Not read the other thread.

I'm cureous why you need your Dad to pay the tuition fees for medicine? Have you actually been offered a place or was it just a plan rather than something definite? Do you need your fees paying because you already have a degree? If so then it's ridiculously hard to get a place on a medical degree including ones with foundation years.

Have you looked into getting the money from elsewhere?

IGotRainedOn · 19/08/2017 12:24

BTW Do you live in the same house as your Dad?

erinaceus · 19/08/2017 12:27

Are you in the UK, OP?

ElfrideSwancourt · 19/08/2017 12:28

Well done OP . My mum sounds very like your dad - completely obsessed with weight and uses money for emotional blackmail. I called her bluff during my 2nd year at uni and surprise surprise she didn't carry out her threat but it was an awful time.
Have you read anything about narcissistic personality disorder (not just being a narcissist)? People with NPD (my mum has this) are obsessed with other people's weight.
Have you got a place at uni? If you have, contact the uni and explain your situation there is loads of help out there if you ask. Also don't be worried about taking out loans for your fees, as you will earn plenty to pay them back over your working life as a doctor

Blodplod · 19/08/2017 12:28

OP, I read your thread yesterday and was truly shocked at your fathers behaviour towards you. I'm so glad you've come to this conclusion and will tell him to fuck off! As others have said, the abuse won't stop, there'll be other 'conditions'. It'll be so stressful I predict in a few years time you'll seriously regret borrowing the money anyhow if that's what you had decided. Good for you! Really proud of you for taking back some control.

TwoLeftSocks · 19/08/2017 12:35

Good for you OP.

Check out your options doing medicine independently anyway, you might find it could still work out. But if you don't, that's also cool, and it sounds like you'll make a good life for yourself anyway.

Charliegirl1974 · 19/08/2017 12:36

I read your other thread and while it was a terrible offer, I can understand why you would be tempted. I'm trying to sort out finances to do a PGCE with a young family and to be offered a lump sum even with horrendous strings attached would be very difficult to turn down.

I'm genuinely pleased you have decided to go your own way and am confident you will achieve whatever you decide to do.

HashiAsLarry · 19/08/2017 12:37

Well done op for standing up for yourself.

It's perfectly possible that the op may tell her father to fuck off and lose weight all of her own volition if she wishes. They're not mutually exclusive.

Fwiw, though my dps weren't as bad as your df sounds they were prone to occasional bouts of threatening to withdraw money theyd agreed to fund me - like for my halls at uni if I didn't do things as they said I should (there was one hilarious moment when i 'should' have been studying but was eating dinner instead as the halls were catered and it was dinner time). Eventually I found a way to source my own halls fee and told them where to go. After several calls where I was accused of threatening them by not allowing them to fund me they realised I was serious and haven't pulled a similar trick since. Somehow, even without their strict study schedule, I managed to graduate top of class

Original poster

Petitefleurblanche · 19/08/2017 12:38

I'm sorry I can't respond to everyone's comments and questions but it's so nice to read your kind words and encouragement. I honestly thought I would go along with his demands but I feel so much better now I've decided not to.

No I didn't have the med school place as a definite but with my skills and experience felt I had a good chance to get in via a good gamsat score. I'm thinking about other options too, ones that maybe cost less/take less time/are less demanding in terms of time away from dd. I can get loans and I have 20k available on credit cards if it comes down to that (obviously would only use them if I'm close to starting to earn well to pay them off). It'll be harder without any financial help from my dad but at least I'll be free of the added pressure of his demands. I'm determined that my own dd will not grow up around any body negativity.

To answer pp, it's possible he does have some kind of personality disorder yes, and yes possibly narcissistic as he believes himself to always be right and never takes on board other people's opinions or feelings

OP posts:

Bigmomma28 · 19/08/2017 12:40

WideHorizon I earnestly hope that you don't have children because from the way you sound you might cause them significant emotional damage. You remind me of my mother who would not stop going on about how fat I was as a teenager, I was a size 12 btw. Funny enough she also would go on at my elder sister who was a size 4/6 and therefore just too skinny in her opinion. Years later, I'm still struggling with the effects of what she's done. People tell me I'm beautiful...I understand what beautiful means but can't believe them. First time DH said that to me I told him he was just trying to get some action!

OP run far, run fast from him. If you lose weight he would still find something to criticise you for. And he will try to extend his bullying to your DC if you let him, trust me I know. There are so many other careers/ jobs that will bring you satisfaction and wealth and you can achieve so much without his "help". All the best love you are ok xx

LittleCandle · 19/08/2017 12:42

I didn't have the chance to comment on your other thread, but I am so pleased that you have made this decision. I wish you all the very best for your future and am sure you will be successful, whatever you decide to do.

TheClacksAreDown · 19/08/2017 12:45

Well done op. Stay strong and stick to your guns

RandomMess · 19/08/2017 12:47

Woohoo - you go girl!!

So glad you've kicked your abuser to the curb

AnUtterIdiot · 19/08/2017 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notapizzaeater · 19/08/2017 12:54

Glad you've made this decision, he has to realise you are an adult and capable of living your life how you see fit !

kittybiscuits · 19/08/2017 12:55

I didn't see your other thread OP, but well done to you for your decision and I applaud your thoroughly we-deserved fuck offs to both parties who deserved them.

Original poster

Petitefleurblanche · 19/08/2017 12:55

You've honestly made me feel quite teary with your kindness... who would've thought AIBU could be such a warm and supportive place

HashiAsLarry and Bigmomma sorry to hear about your controlling parents (and others who've commented)

Ultimately he is the one losing out on the love and respect of his daughter and granddaughter (as well as my brother who has a similar opinion on our father, for various reasons, although being male he has never had his weight scrutinised by him - I think it's just women that aren't allowed to be fat).

I've felt sad but determined since I made the decision but now I feel determined and a lot less sad, thanks to you all.

OP posts:

Lucisky · 19/08/2017 13:00

Great op, good for you. I found your thread yesterday so sad and it made me angry for you. Best of luck with everything, including achieving your dreams.

StaplesCorner · 19/08/2017 13:00

Petite I am in awe of you, you are amazing for telling him to fuck off to the far side of fuck. My DDs are only teenagers, how proud I would be if they turned out like you.

PoorYorick · 19/08/2017 13:06

Sounds like you just lost 12 stone or so of useless dead weight already. Hurrah!

Aeroflotgirl · 19/08/2017 13:10

Oh do take a running jump widehorizon, you are just being a goady fucker, and have not listened to op or anyone on here. You have your own dangerous and abusive agenda. Did you not read her other thread, about the EA her dad was towards her growing up, mabey his abuse is part of the issue. You don't get people to loose weight by bullying them and controlling them. Op is hardly morbidly obese . She will do it on her own terms, not because somebody is controlling her.

StaplesCorner · 19/08/2017 13:19

(PS - lets just ignore the nasty poster, I know her comments are shocking but she doesn't need the extra publicity)

Mittens1969 · 19/08/2017 13:23

Well done, OP, from someone who had comments all through her childhood from her DM. I remember her saying, 'If you haven't lost weight I'll smack you', sounds similar to the sort of thing your dad would say. now battling an eating disorder and yoyo dieting.

My DM still comments though in terms like helping me find clothes to fit my bigger size.
She's always wanting to take me shopping in order to find clothes that 'flatter' me. I do tell her to shut up now, though. It's all about standing up for yourself.

I'm a size 12 and quite happy with that, hopefully I can maintain it but I don't want my DDs to end up as obsessed as I am.

Size 16 isn't all that overweight, OP, and whether or not you lose weight is up to you, and what weight you're comfortable with.

SleightOfHand · 19/08/2017 13:23

Good for you OP. Best wishes.

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