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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To update you on controlling weight-obsessed dad

130 replies

Petitefleurblanche · 19/08/2017 11:14

This is a TAAT so please delete if not allowed, admin, but I posted yesterday about the fact that my dad has been critical of my weight all my life (to the point of being emotionally abusive and causing me to have an eating disorder) and is now demanding that I lose 2.5 stone by 18th November which is when we were due to fly abroad to meet family. He had also agreed to lend me the tuition fees for med school but only if I lose weight. I asked for that thread to be deleted in the end as I was worried that it would be too identifying (thank you admin for agreeing to delete it) but I just wanted to update you -

I am going to tell him tonight that I am now not going abroad with him and I no longer want the loan for med school. I'm going to find a way to study something (probably not medicine now) to improve mine and my baby's situation without his extremely conditional help. And that if he ever mentions my weight again I will not speak to him ever again. It ends now.

Thank you to everyone who responded kindly to the original thread.

OP posts:

Mittens1969 · 19/08/2017 13:28

And actually when I look at photos of myself as a child I think I wasn't that overweight! It shocks me to realise how much my DM made of it. And she denies all of that now.

Motoko · 19/08/2017 13:32

OP I'm so glad to hear your update! You don't need your dad to help you make a better life, I have every confidence that you can do this yourself, and what a morale boost it will be when you do!

All the best to you and your DD, and I wish you a peaceful life away from the toxicity of that man.

caoraich · 19/08/2017 13:39

I didn't see your first thread but it sounds from what you've said like you're 100% making the right choice.
I'm a doctor. I went to medical school skint as anything - if you'd like to PM me I can give you some advice about financial support at med school - there are often bursaries in clinical years plus FY1 and 2 earnings are OK, even with the rubbish new contract. You don't have to break free from your dad AND give up your dream

erinaceus · 19/08/2017 13:51

If you live in the UK and do not have an undergraduate degree, it would be worth you talking to the admissions team at your university about what happens financially to someone in your situation with a dependent child. Whilst the loans sound intimidating they are repaid in a different way to bank loans and you may be entitled to further support due to having a dependent child.

If you decide that you do not want to study medicine, or prefer to put the idea on hold for a while, that is also reasonable. Removing your father's financial control over you sounds as if it is the first step.

You might find that you get emotional support from your brother even though he has not faced being bullied about his weight. I have a brother as well as sisters and there is a difference in how the abuse impacted the children of each sex although the numbers are to small to draw significant conclusions really.

theredjellybean · 19/08/2017 13:51

i am also a doctor..don't give up on it.
do you have a place ? if you do contact the uni/med school, explain and see what financial aid/childcare etc is available.
It will be tough but doable and it is a good job, with good earnings potential in the long run.
You are brave enough to break away from controlling and abusive father...you sure as hell must be brave enough to get through med school

Pigface1 · 19/08/2017 13:59

OP I saw your thread yesterday and was in the process of typing a reply when it was taken down. You are definitely making the right decision - I was appalled by your post - your father is emotionally abusive and IMO has a sinister level of interest in your body.

Best of luck for the future.

IGotRainedOn · 19/08/2017 14:02

If the OP doesn't have a degree already then she would be able to get loans. How much would depend on whether she lives with her parents or not.
If she has taken the GAMSAT for this year then presumably could still apply as long as she did it quickly. (October?). Even with a great GAMSAT and relevant experience it would still be extremely difficult to get a place - even on a course with a foundation course.

DartmoorDoughnut · 19/08/2017 14:28

Good luck with your dad and your degree

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/08/2017 14:35

It's not about weight anyway,it's about control. If it wasn't the weight it would be something else.

eloisesparkle · 19/08/2017 16:04

Well done OP.
I read the original thread.
Wow - medicine .
You go girl !!!!

Gingernaut · 19/08/2017 16:08

^^This^^

It's not love. It's control. The money would come with strings and even if you managed to comply, the strings would simply get longer instead of being cut.

If he genuinely loved you, the money could be given as a loan, which you could pay back (at a lower than average rate of interest) once you started earning.

Once again, well done for standing up to him and all the best for the future.

Jakadaal · 19/08/2017 16:30

Hi OP sorry I didn't see your original thread but this is exactly what happened to a family member. Her (not so) DF blackmailed her umpteen times to lose weight (paid for tuition fees on the understanding she lost x number of stones), was totally emotionally and no doubt physically abusive to her as he was to the rest of his family.

She has thankfully broken free - she has a great job, is beginning to realise what a beautiful young woman she is and how worthy of love she is. She is also losing weight because she feels she can and is out of the negative cycle of being told how embarrassing she was

Good luck OP it's a hard path but no harder than you have already been on. To coin a cliche fly free like a beautiful butterfly!

Flimp · 19/08/2017 16:41

wow, OP, this is great news. You can do this! It will be hard but you'll get there.

You are setting a great example for your daughter by standing up to this bully. I wish you all the luck in the world

VladmirsPoutine · 19/08/2017 16:43

It seems as though you're cutting off your nose to spite your face but it's your life.

DancingLedge · 19/08/2017 16:46

Vlad
ODFOD

VladmirsPoutine · 19/08/2017 16:48

Why not take the money, your weight is your own business regardless. I think you should definitely pursue medicine if it's your dream.

MudCity · 19/08/2017 16:50

Congratulations! Offers of help with such conditions are not offers of help at all. Free yourself and be self-sufficient....that way you owe him nothing and can take pride in your own achievements.

for you!

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 19/08/2017 16:59

Good for you OP and good luck for the future and widehorizen your just a horrible nasty bully and there's no need for it.

pasturesgreen · 19/08/2017 17:12

Well done OP! I'm so happy for you, best of luck with your degree

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 19/08/2017 17:19

Well done OP!!

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 19/08/2017 17:21

Just another one here cheering you on. You are amazing!!

Bumpsadaisie · 19/08/2017 17:37

Well done OP. You've made my day!

There will be ways to do your training without him. Don't close any doors in your head. Personally I think 20k on interest free credit cards is a better bet than making a pact with the devil, which is what your father is offering.

I do think that you might think about weight loss separately from him, if it's something you would like for you. All of us who are overweight (me included) will feel better if we lose a bit and exercise. But that should be something you want and are allowed to do for you in your own way and time, not to your fathers controlling agenda.

Wellmeetontheledge · 19/08/2017 17:51

Well done! :)

Original poster

Petitefleurblanche · 20/08/2017 13:15

Well I don't know what I was expecting really but I told him and he still thinks he's right, and said a lot more hurtful things. According to his wife (who's lovely, doesn't like him either but can't face the disruption of leaving him) he thinks it'll blow over and I'll come round. I bloody won't. Some highlights of his messages from last night:

I've just come in after a full days work so I'm too tired to deal with this now but I'm very disappointed in you. I want to be proud of you and your appearance as i would hope you would be also (DD's name) would notice when she gets older not to mention your health
You said you would be loosing weight some time ago but I haven't noticed

It is normal for a father to want his daughter to be pretty when only a few years ago she was.can you not do this for me to please me I'm not asking you to have plastic surgery!

I've replied saying, no it's not normal, but had no response. I don't think there's any point trying to talk to him is there? He's convinced he's being reasonable. It's slightly surreal.

OP posts:

Original poster

Petitefleurblanche · 20/08/2017 13:17

Bold fail on the first quote, sorry

OP posts:

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