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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To update you on controlling weight-obsessed dad

130 replies

Petitefleurblanche · 19/08/2017 11:14

This is a TAAT so please delete if not allowed, admin, but I posted yesterday about the fact that my dad has been critical of my weight all my life (to the point of being emotionally abusive and causing me to have an eating disorder) and is now demanding that I lose 2.5 stone by 18th November which is when we were due to fly abroad to meet family. He had also agreed to lend me the tuition fees for med school but only if I lose weight. I asked for that thread to be deleted in the end as I was worried that it would be too identifying (thank you admin for agreeing to delete it) but I just wanted to update you -

I am going to tell him tonight that I am now not going abroad with him and I no longer want the loan for med school. I'm going to find a way to study something (probably not medicine now) to improve mine and my baby's situation without his extremely conditional help. And that if he ever mentions my weight again I will not speak to him ever again. It ends now.

Thank you to everyone who responded kindly to the original thread.

OP posts:
ItsNachoCheese · 19/08/2017 11:55

I dont get why your dad is so obsessed with your weight... thats just strange and you have done the right thing telling him no

pigsDOfly · 19/08/2017 11:56

WideHorizon That's a really screwed way of looking at it. From your last sentence though, it's obvious you have terrible issues around weight.

You're doing a brave thing OP to break away from this man. It would be so easy to keep on letting him control your life and take his money. Good for you.

WWYD17 · 19/08/2017 11:56

Widehorizon
Which part of abusive parenting do you condone?

LoyaltyAndLobster · 19/08/2017 11:56

Well done.

ClopySow · 19/08/2017 11:56

Perhaps you should duck out now WideHorizon before you embarrass yourself any further

BeepBeepMOVE · 19/08/2017 11:57

Wouldn't you want your daughter to be a healthy size though? I'm not sure what the problem is with him offering an incentive.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 19/08/2017 11:57

Didn't read your previous thread op but just wanted to add my support. Go for it! You should be very proud of yourself Flowers

Wide - I didn't read the other thread but it's abundantly obvious this isn't just about weight. It's an abusive controlling relationship. Of course op is better off out of this

Butteredparsnip1ps · 19/08/2017 11:57

Therapy sounds very wise. Do whatever you want to do, bit fat, be thin, be a Doctor or a stripper. But do it for you, on your terms. Flowers

Original poster
Petitefleurblanche · 19/08/2017 11:58

WideHorizon I'm going to say a very uncharacteristic but wholehearted "fuck off" to both my dad and you

OP posts:
redsquirrel2 · 19/08/2017 11:59

Good for you! Can you not get a student loan for medical school though? And help with the baby? What about the baby's dad? Sorry I didn't see your first post, sorry if you've already covered that. It seems to me that if you're able to train to be a doctor you shouldn't waste that talent. Good luck!

ZippyCameBack · 19/08/2017 11:59

On a smaller scale, this is what my mother did to me and (much more) to my older sister. She put me on my fist very low calorie diet when I was 12. I was average weight, but my hips were too big, apparently.

She would offer generous gifts, but only on condition that her victim lost a large amount of weight and then she would sabotage the diet (insisting on doughnuts being fine, for example, or serving a huge pudding when normally there would be none). I was lucky that I was sent away between the ages of 11 and 16, but my older sister really suffered and it's no coincidence that she is now morbidly obese.
If it's any comfort, my mother never paid out even if her targets were reached. She'd use some trivial transgression as an excuse not to ("Well I was going to give you X, but since you dropped a plate I'm not going to now"). So you could do everything your dad wants and get to the point of needing to pay your tuition, but still not have the money.

If he wanted to encourage you to lose weight/be healthier and also to pursue a career in medicine then he should have separated the two and been supportive and encouraging. His approach is neither.

Original poster
Petitefleurblanche · 19/08/2017 12:01

Thank you to everyone else who has actually managed to grasp what the core issue is here. I understand that if people didn't read the previous thread then on the face of it it might not seem that bad that but the emotional abuse happened for many years even when I was underweight with an eating disorder

OP posts:
Original poster
Petitefleurblanche · 19/08/2017 12:02

Zippy I'm sorry you and your sister went though that Flowers

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 19/08/2017 12:03

There is a huge difference between being supportive and encouraging, and being controlling. OP's father clearly falls into the latter camp. So good for you, OP, the only person controlling you should be you!

Penny4UrThoughts · 19/08/2017 12:03

That kind of fucked up crap is likely to cause obesity through emotional eating in an attempt to shut down the feelings around being treated that way.

Good on you op, best thing you could do for your own peace of mind.

AskBasil · 19/08/2017 12:04

WideHorizon, you are missing the point completely.

The issue for the OP, isn't her weight. That is a completely separate issue and is for her to decide if she is happy with it or wants to change it and it is none of her father's business and none of your business either. She hasn't posted asking for advice or updating us on her weight. She has posted regarding her abusive father.

You are advising her to continue to be in an abusive relationship for the next seven years. Your advice is that being slim, is worth sacrificing your mental health for. (Which is what anorectics do, btw.)

That is not only bad advice, it's bordering on the abusive yourself.

erinaceus · 19/08/2017 12:07

WideHorizon That the medical community is of itself in some aspects a reproduction of patriarchy complete with damaging attitudes to women, their bodies, their finances and their happiness may have passed you by.

Petitefleurblanche I do not know your situation, but breaking away from my emotionally abusive parents has been one of the most challenging experiences of my life so far. I wish you all the best with it. It is not easy. Take care of yourself. There is no need to do some grand announcement to your parents if you do not want to. I went for deliberate withdrawal of contact and am doing my best to hold steady. My parents do know at some level why I chose to do this - or at least, I believe so. It is hard. Really hard.

Gingernaut · 19/08/2017 12:08

WideHorizon ! I can't believe you took time to write that.

Even if you hadn't read the original thread, the 'father's' terms were deeply unreasonable.

If and I mean IF the OP loses weight, it dhould be for her and undet her terms and no one else's.

I hope you get to study, OP. It was criminal that your 'father' put such conditions on what should have been a loan.

Moanyoldcow · 19/08/2017 12:10

WideHorizon - her dad will hold it over her forever. He's not going to hand over £27k for 3 years' tuition once she's lost weight and wave her off.

You can guarantee that there'll be weigh ins, checks on how she's 'maintaining'. 2.5 stone suddenly won't be enough, she'll suddenly need to be 3 stone slimmer actually, get back to a size 8 etc etc.

Your parents ate themselves into an early grave which is very sad for you. Your experience isn't THE experience and love and understanding from a parent shouldn't be conditional on one's appearance.

OP - well done for standing up to him.

Original poster
Petitefleurblanche · 19/08/2017 12:12

Thank you so much for your supportive words. Even if medicine is not the path for me I know I will find a way to be successful and provide for me and my daughter. Although my dad has hurt me and the abuse has made me weak/damaged in some ways, in other ways I am resilient and able to carry on striving despite my emotional state so I will get to where I want to be even without his help

OP posts:
golfin · 19/08/2017 12:16

Congratulations OP, good decision. I'm totally mystified by some poster's views, and as for your father, well quite honestly I don't think he deserves that title.

uglyflowers · 19/08/2017 12:17

Good for you!!

MrsBobDylan · 19/08/2017 12:18

Op, you are awesome. Simply awesome. I read your previous thread and honestly thought you'd give into you dad's demands and damage your mental and physical health in the process.

Good luck in your study and new vocation!

Ginlovinglady · 19/08/2017 12:18

Sounds horrendously abusive. I can't believe people would think otherwise

Making this thread about a general debate around obesity shows an utter lack of empathy and foresight

Abuse is abuse, control is control.

Good luck op. And don't give up the dream of medicine. there's a huge amount of support out there for mature students (if that's what you are!)

ChasedByBees · 19/08/2017 12:20

Petitefleurblanche: WideHorizon I'm going to say a very uncharacteristic but wholehearted "fuck off" to both my dad and you

YES, you go OP! And I'll join you in a Fuck Off to anyone who makes this about your weight rather than wanting to be free of an abusive relationship. Flowers

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