To think a full night's sleep and a short nap are sufficient prep for a night shift?

[blueberrypi27]

My DH works a mix of days and nights in a healthcare role. He works 12 hour shifts with 15 minutes travelling time. I am on mat leave with our 9 month old until next week, who has been poorly lately which has made the last run of nights miserable. When he is on shift I do all cooking and cleaning, all baby care, all night feeds etc. Baby is going through separation anxiety and cries every time I leave him to do a small job, like bin a nappy or prepare calpol. The thing that's winding me up is the night before he starts a night shift, my husband insists on a full nights sleep at normal time plus a lie in, then often goes back to bed when I'm trying to make dinner 'to relax'. Baby woke up this morning with a raging temperature and day 7 of diarreah and I could really have used his help at 9am but he refused. AIBU?

When your home you can sleep when the baby sleeps and you can have a lazy pj day where you don't have to do anything mentally taxing.

Did you read the OP?

And this man was at home and could have slept during the rest of the day when the baby slept too.

He was needed at 9am, not when it's convenient to him.

I haven't worked night shifts so I don't know how brutal they are

Seriously brutal.

Which is worse of night shifts and a non sleeping baby really depends on the baby as well as the night shift pattern.

My first went through a couple of months of sleeping awfully at about 9 months (teething and a series of ear infections). It nearly killed both me and DH - DS was waking up every hour or so and then would have a spell in the middle of the night where he'd be unsettled for 2 to 3 hours. He'd also wake up repeatedly during naps unless pushed continuously in a pushchair, so no chance for me to catch up on sleep during the day. He was a bad sleeper when it started so we were already shattered. I have also worked nights. I really struggled with sleeping in the daytime and struggled to get more than 3 hours sleep post shift - but at least it was 3 continuous hours and I could catch up on sleep going in and coming out of a run of nights. It was nothing like as bad as looking after DS.

If you have reached the shattered can't cope stage then YANBU to expect more help. On the days going into night shifts it sounds like your DH is up in the afternoon? Couldn't you get a nap then while he does childcare? 2 or 3 hours sleep without worry of interruptions will make all the difference in the world to how you feel. Could you go to bed early after your DH has day shift (say at 7 pm) and he handles any wake ups until 10.30 so again you get a good stretch of sleep? Particularly with you going back to work you getting sleep also needs to be a priority!

Thank you for some of the friendlier replies. There are some good ideas too. I felt truly shit last night but the baby slept 5ish-9 so I feel more human now. Apart from DH coming in at 6 and chatting to me about his shift I had to ask him very nicely to shut up so I could go back to sleep.

The baby has seen a GP who is satisfied that he's not at risk of dehydration though obviously it is worrying that it's gone on for this long. I don't know how long to expect a virus like this to last!

Sleeping while the baby naps is a great idea but he's still exclusively breastfed so naps are spent glued to me feeding. I don't want to risk him getting dehydrated so I daren't refuse him the constant milk but I can't veg in front of Netflix because it would wake him.

For the record I apologised to my DH and he got all the sleep he wanted. I'm not afraid to admit when I'm being UR!

If your DH is waking you when he gets in, he needs to sleep on the sofa and move when you get up. Fuck that, I wouldn't be making small talk in the tiny amount of time I could sleep.

Can you watch Netflix with earphones during nap time? Or feed baby lying on sofa with sound on very low?

Night shifts are absolute shite for the other people in the family

He drives up to the house with his music blaring so I'm awake before he even turns the car off! Then because I'm awake he thinks he can chat to me! I understand he's still buzzing from work though.

Will try headphones thank you :) and will keep my kindle to hand as that would be good too!

One baby isn't a constant two person job.

I know you're shattered (been there twice) but that's just part and parcel of it.

If DC needed serious care, was really ill, etc etc then by all means wake him. But to put a nappy in the bin and get some Calpol? Come on - are you serious?

Who will you call when he's out at work and you need to load the dishwasher?

This is the equivalent of him doing the night feeds and waking you up at 2:30am because baby needs some Calpol but it's downstairs, and he's changing a nappy. Surely you'd be furious and be posting on here about your feckless DH.

I didn't say it was always a two person job, did I?

DH hadn't done any work at this point. He's gone to bed at a normal time and had a full night's uninterrupted sleep while I got up with baby, as I always do. Yes, DH does wake me if I'm having a lie in and he wants my help with something - if by some miracle I'd had a full night's sleep first I wouldn't complain. While I know shift workers need to sleep while they can, he also had the option to return to bed in the afternoon which he did. I wouldn't dream of waking him after he'd actually been to work and was sleeping off a shift but jeez, I'm only human and have times where I just need another adult to talk to or lend a hand for five minutes!

OP, so sorry your little one is poorly- hope LO is feeling better very soon. You must be so frazzled and tired- it wont last forever, that dosent help when you just need 5 mins to yourself and a cup of tea- but hoping you get it soon. I would expect partner to chip in and help too- regardless of work shifts- men arent delicate creatures that break if they dont have enough sleep every now and again. You go through these things as a family together. And as for 'oh no, leave him to sleep, hes got work!' What on earth do you think the OP is doing all day- its a full on non stop no breaks job having a child, especialy a poorly one

I feel for you OP, you must be very sleep deprived and feeling horrible after looking after sick DC for a week. I don't think YABU.

But, I don't see a good solution here. I work nights and before a night shift, I have a normal nights sleep then go back to bed at 4pm for another 5-7 hours, before starting work at midnight. Then when I get home I sleep until 1pm at least. And I still feel like shit the entire night and day, and for the next few days. Not to mention I make silly mistakes at work and fall asleep on the drive home.

What the fuck did he think he was doing talking to you at 6am, when he must know you've had very little sleep for a week?

For the record I apologised to my DH and he got all the sleep he wanted. I'm not afraid to admit when I'm being UR!

Except you weren't.

Do tell your OH to lower the car music when approaches the house in the early hours and not wake you up.

You're breastfeeding as well, no wonder you're exhausted! Have a stern word with your DP about waking you up when you have a lie in, it works both ways and he is quite capable of dealing with the baby while you sleep also. When he next has a day off you need a LONG lie in!

What the FUCK he can turn the fucking car music off too. He should be tiptoeing around if you're asleep because it's fucking NIGHT TIME. What if you turned on loud music and went in and chatted to him while he's asleep in the day? It'd be ok because he'd already be awake from the music?

He sounds oblivious. Actually talk to him about how hard things are and work out what he can do to make them better. Gibbering on at you at 6am is not OK.

I'm actually concerned about you when you get back to work. He doesn't seem the type who'll contribute a fair amount, or respect that you're working.

Yes as other pp have said night shifts are brutal.. so are nights with no sleep due to a waking baby..
it's not a competition but I do not understand why the op should not have any sleep due to a poorly baby but the Dh needs to have a full uninterrupted nights sleep plus afternoon nap.. that's why I'm saying he should compromise. Obviously while he is at work he can't compromise - what an unnecessary comment. When the op returns to work should she be expected to drive to work with no sleep and work however many hours just because she works in the day time presumably?
How do people generally have children if they do night shifts if they can't compromise by losing a little sleep?