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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think a full night's sleep and a short nap are sufficient prep for a night shift?

142 replies

blueberrypi27 · 19/08/2017 10:31

My DH works a mix of days and nights in a healthcare role. He works 12 hour shifts with 15 minutes travelling time. I am on mat leave with our 9 month old until next week, who has been poorly lately which has made the last run of nights miserable. When he is on shift I do all cooking and cleaning, all baby care, all night feeds etc. Baby is going through separation anxiety and cries every time I leave him to do a small job, like bin a nappy or prepare calpol. The thing that's winding me up is the night before he starts a night shift, my husband insists on a full nights sleep at normal time plus a lie in, then often goes back to bed when I'm trying to make dinner 'to relax'. Baby woke up this morning with a raging temperature and day 7 of diarreah and I could really have used his help at 9am but he refused. AIBU?

OP posts:
user1495884620 · 19/08/2017 10:53

Ugh, apostophe fail!

Flyingflipflop · 19/08/2017 10:53

well tough shit you lose the right to being fully rested

And what happens when he makes a mistake at work because he's knackered? That might be someone else's 9 month old that suffers.

e1y1 · 19/08/2017 10:56

This week he has worked 3 nights then had one night off and will have another 3 nights on starting tonight. He has lots of night shifts this month

Then he definitely needs as much sleep as he can get today.

Sallystyle · 19/08/2017 10:56

I have five children and I disagree that I have lost the right to be fully rested when working nights. It fucks me up for a couple of days as it is.

I would stop the lie in personally but you do have to do what works for you but I have no one loses the right to be rested before a night shift.

Lelloteddy · 19/08/2017 10:56

The baby won't come to any harm if they are left to cry for short periods while you measure out a dose of calpol.
Competitive tiredness is a sure fire way to breed resentment in a relationship and can lead to all sorts of problems.
DP started a new job with night shifts a while ago and initially was a nightmare ( I posted a thread a while ago) He's now adapted his routine slightly and it works better for us because his actual sleep/ rest time is better.
Working night shifts is NOT the same as day shifts. There is a huge body of evidence regarding the negative effects on both physical and mental health.
You need to wait until you are both open to having a chat when he's not in nights and the baby is feeling better, to try and iron out the issues.

imokit · 19/08/2017 10:59

My pre night shift patter is to stay up really late the night before then sleep and stay in bed as late as possible - often 3or 4 am to 3pm (lying in bed resting).
Could he maybe do some of the early night stuff and then miss the morning?
Night shifts are hard, they consume your life from the day before until they're over

blueberrypi27 · 19/08/2017 11:00

Ok, IABU!

OP posts:
user1495884620 · 19/08/2017 11:00

I feel for you OP. Unless, you have actually done shift work, it is really difficult to appreciate how unutterably shit it can be. Equally, I suspect that a lot of shift workers don't fully appreciate the knock-on impact that it has in making life shit for the rest of their family.

Merlanguis · 19/08/2017 11:02

I have exactly the same pre-nights (full nights sleep & lie in with afternoon nap) routine as your DP and still feel broken by the first night shift!

3littlemonkeys82 · 19/08/2017 11:05

Going against the grain...

We both work rotating day/night 12 hour nhs shifts, and have 2 toddlers. The person who is due to work a night shift that night does the early morning get up (generally around 5.30am) that person then goes to bed at around 1pm for 3-4 hours (so not a short nap) straight to bed after finishing the next morning, then up at 12ish as other person needs to go to bed in preparation for their night shift.

Personally don't see why he can't get up and help in the morning with the understanding of having a decent sleep rather than just relaxing in bed in the afternoon.

Sleephead1 · 19/08/2017 11:05

Sounds like your having rubbish time op do you have any parents/ in laws who could help you out a bit even if its during the day for a few hours so you can get a bath / have a few hours sleep? Also on the nights he is home and doing a day shift could you go to bed really early and he deal with any baby wakings say till 11 so you can get a good chunk of sleep? I think as he does nights he cant be awake from say 9am then just awake all that day then do a nightshift. He would be up 24 hours and i his job he is looking after sick people he really does need to have his wits about him. Obviously now you have a child and this is his chosen career you need to discuss the best solution for you all as a family. Good luck and hope lo feeling better soon its awful when they are poorly and sleep deprevation sucks!!

reallybadidea · 19/08/2017 11:08

I don't think YABU and I say that as someone who has worked nights for years. I have never stayed in bed past about 9am on the day before a night shift and I would normally just have a short nap (if I'm lucky) or lie down for an hour or two.

I also do on calls where I am actually at work all day and then up all night. If I'm really unlucky then I might be 'up' for 36 hours or so. It's pretty common for doctors doing on calls to be working for 24 hours.

bigsighall · 19/08/2017 11:10

No one know how bad 12 hour night shifts are and what they do to you until you've worked them. They really screw you up and the changing all the time makes it worse.
Be kind, they are evil shifts (it's thought that it takes 10 years off your life which shows how bad they are for you)

blueberrypi27 · 19/08/2017 11:10

Appreciate the gentle tone sleephead. Normally have some support from in laws but they won't help when he's ill, which is fair enough really. It will be better when he's not ill any more :)

OP posts:
blueberrypi27 · 19/08/2017 11:13

By the way I do appreciate I have never worked nights so can't understand. I could not handle it.

In fairness, my DH has done only one night of getting up with the baby and said he wouldn't cope with that either! It is hard on everyone but at least my 'job' doesn't require brainpower (and I can wear pjs)

OP posts:
minisoksmakehardwork · 19/08/2017 11:16

Op it depends on context. Night work is harder than day work (Acc to Dh) as even if you sleep during the day, you don't get the same sort of sleep as you would at night due to all the daytime noise, even if it's on a subconscious level. Then you've got to stay awake when you would normally sleep and work.

The day before nights Dh generally has a long lie in and then a nap again mid afternoon to ready him for working the night.

During his nights, Dh generally helps me get the dc breakfasted and dressed, then goes to bed when he gets in from nights and rises between 1-2 hours before he needs to be at work, depending on what's happening at home. On the late afternoon where I do volunteer work, he is up just before I leave and the agreement is he goes to bed as soon as he gets in the following morning, to make up for the disruption to his sleep.

And as easy as it would be to say 'don't compete over who is more tired' when you are in the throws of sleepless nights and poorly baby days, you just don't think straight. I have been there and been as unreasonable. However, Dh ensures I get my lie in time when he's back off nights to make up for the loss of sleep I have had - I do not cope well on disturbed sleep. Does your Dh do this for you? When he has had his long lie in, does he take over with baby care until he goes back to bed for his nap?

When you are back at work, you might find it easier when Dh is on nights as you won't be home when he's sleeping, so he will get a better rest.

As for the housework, quite frankly the week Dh is on nights i do the bare minimum and Hoover when he has gone as I'm doing sole care for our dc. Don't try to do everything as it's a swift route to resentment and arguments.

reallybadidea · 19/08/2017 11:17

Pfft. A prolonged period of interrupted sleep with a baby is WAY harder than a bunch of night shifts - at least after a night shift you know you will get a nice long sleep! Not so with a baby.

Bumdishcloths · 19/08/2017 11:17

Whenever I did nights, I had a full night's sleep before my run started - thereafter, I'd get it at 7am, sleep until 12 and then get up and go about my day as normal. These weren't permanent nights but shift work of a week's worth every four weeks.

reallybadidea · 19/08/2017 11:17

Pfft. A prolonged period of interrupted sleep with a baby is WAY harder than a bunch of night shifts - at least after a night shift you know you will get a nice long sleep! Not so with a baby.

numbmum83 · 19/08/2017 11:18

I can imagine if this is causing problems now , you need to sort it before you go back to work coz add to the mix a teething baby and you up through the night whilst then having to go to work the next morning , you are going to start feeling very hard done by very quickly if you already feel his sleeping pattern on this thread is annoying.

You obviously need an understanding between you both .

Sallystyle · 19/08/2017 11:24

at least after a night shift you know you will get a nice long sleep! Not so with a baby.

Nice long sleep? Hardly. I wish that was the case. You get disturbed by the postman (at least I do) neighbours outside talking, dogs outside barking. The children if at home can be heard. Disturbed by all manner of things. No matter how tired I am, sleeping during the day isn't that easy.

Some people might be able to sleep really well after a nightshift but it isn't my experience or my colleagues.

nolongersurprised · 19/08/2017 11:46

I once worked with someone who had an early, obvious talent for obstetrics but didn't specialise in it because further training required more night shifts and because there'd still be a need to function at night at consultant level. She just couldn't "do" nights, she couldn't sleep at all during the day, even with medications, sleep aids, sleep advice etc. For people who can sleep during the day they're manageable, if not they're complete shit.

I was ok on nights but found baby related stuff easier - no decisions or conversations.

dolcezza99 · 19/08/2017 11:54

Yes, you're being unreasonable. He's working awful hours so you can stay at home with your baby. Poor man!

opinionatedfreak · 19/08/2017 12:01

Night shift is awful. I did shifts from 2001-2014. I am a doctor. I survived but developed and continue to suffer from fatigue induced migraine.

There is a huge amount of evidence that night working is detrimental to long term health - increased risk of cancer, hugely increased risk of RTAs (I have lost two colleagues on the way home from a night shift). Fatigue is also unsafe for patients. Repeated studies have shown that the performance of HCPs at the end of nightshifts is equivalent to those who have consumed excessive alcohol.

My own personal pre nights routine was to stay up late, sleep in in the morning and then go back to bed around 3pm for another 2-3hr nap. I couldn't have coped with getting up early - I needed the lie in to persuade my bodyclock to start moving forward.

If any of you are shift workers there are helpful resources in public domain. I'll try to find a link.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 19/08/2017 12:03

The thing about nights is that it's artificial, you're forcing your body into performing functions it shouldn't be doing at that time. If he's healthcare related then these could be critical decisions he needs to make during his shift and therefore he needs to be as rested as possible.

I can only speak for myself but the quality of sleep you get during the day is nowhere near that of night time. So many disturbances, light, temperature, noise to name but a few.

I'm not unsympathetic to you Op I've also dealt with ebf poorly baby, up all night and clung to all day and it's bloody hard. I'd suggest a sling and take clingy one with you but tbh it'll do no harm for him to cry for a few minutes while you sort a few things out.