To think a full night's sleep and a short nap are sufficient prep for a night shift?

[blueberrypi27]

My DH works a mix of days and nights in a healthcare role. He works 12 hour shifts with 15 minutes travelling time. I am on mat leave with our 9 month old until next week, who has been poorly lately which has made the last run of nights miserable. When he is on shift I do all cooking and cleaning, all baby care, all night feeds etc. Baby is going through separation anxiety and cries every time I leave him to do a small job, like bin a nappy or prepare calpol. The thing that's winding me up is the night before he starts a night shift, my husband insists on a full nights sleep at normal time plus a lie in, then often goes back to bed when I'm trying to make dinner 'to relax'. Baby woke up this morning with a raging temperature and day 7 of diarreah and I could really have used his help at 9am but he refused. AIBU?

Crunchymum he is at work the whole time baby is awake on day shifts, so he can't help then.

Baby went to the GP a few days ago who said 'probably viral'. We're going to take him back to the GP if he isn't better by Monday but in the meantime he's bloody miserable!

Night shifts are a nightmare especially when on and off. YABVU you have one child to look after. Your husband needs to be alert particularly in his line of work. You need to ride the storm until your little one is well.

He's working awful hours so you can stay at home with your baby
Well unless OP is the Virgin Mary or had an affair or got together with his post conception, its THEIR baby. Even assuming any of the above, he's clearly decided to be the child father so its THEIR child. She's on maternity leave.
Are we to assume if they didn't have the baby that DP would quit because his only reason to worK is to keep OP in some life of ease?

Whilst baby is poorly everyone surely mucks in? Yes he needs enough sleep to be safe and do his job properly but if the baby is screaming down the house surely 10 minutes helping is a quicker way to a quiet house?

OP Does he help on his off days?

Pfft. A prolonged period of interrupted sleep with a baby is WAY harder than a bunch of night shifts - at least after a night shift you know you will get a nice long sleep! Not so with a baby.

As someone who was done both, I could not disagree more.

If he's doing 12 hour shifts is he having lots of days off too? I think my DH averages 12-14 shifts a month, so more days off than on. For example he does something like 2 nights, 2 off, 4 nights, 3 off, 2 days, 3 off.

On his off days you should be able to get plenty of rest time too.

If your DH got up earlier to help, would he be able to catch up on sleep later in the day? If he can you are probably not being unreasonable. If he can't, that's more difficult.

I don't work nights, but no matter how tired I am it's rare that I can sleep in the day - even if I've only had two or three hours sleep a night for a number of days in a row.

All the stuff about 'it's one baby, you should be able to cope' and reading similar things on someone else's thread is making me a bit worried that I'm just a rubbish mum

Having a sick baby who won't sleep and doing 12 hour nights are both utterly and completely shit. Having done both, I felt weird, sick, tired and so fucking grumpy. And ate shit; caffeinated, sugary shit.

You both need a nice lie in and a hug. You poor buggers.

Babies are hard; nights are hard. Don't listen to the 'oh it's all so easy, I harvested quinoa while baby-carrying and inventing penicillin' brigade. Head down, try to be kind to each other, ask when you absolutely can't cope.

I think it's really shit to refuse to help your wife with your sick baby when you have been asked to lend a hand for a short while.

What is your plan for your return to work? Have you got anyone who can give you a break so that you can recharge your batteries in preparation for it?

Fair play to you for accepting YABU. I also work 12 hour shifts in the nhs and I've just finished a run of four shifts - two days, two nights, 48 hours worked in the space of four days.

I feel bad about how much DH has had to do on his own with DD, but I feel somewhere between jet lag and flu at the moment. Going from days to nights screws your body up massively. I got home at 7am yesterday morning and slept most of the day because I was hot and cold, dizzy, pounding headache. I can't imagine how much worse it would have been if DH hadn't insisted that I sleep when I need to rather than forcing myself to stay awake to help him.

And you are not a rubbish mum I barely functioned when DH went back to work after DD was born. Having a poorly baby is so shit, it's draining and constant and utterly exhausting. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing brilliantly

You're not a rubbish mum! Having a sick baby is bloody hard! Especially when your partner is on nights and therefore pretty much unavailable. It will pass just remember that and make the most of your partners faus off, hand the baby over and you get a lie in.

I think YANBU at all. I have worked nights for years. Before the dc were born I did similar to your DH before nights. Once we had the dc I would have to get up at the normal time with them and just have a nap in the afternoon. If I was feeling particularly tired I would go back to bed for a while in the evening before work as well. Then straight to bed the next day and sleep until about 3ish. Things change when you have a baby and all parents have to learn to cope with less sleep.

Nights are brutal. I worked 4 nights a week for 3 years in care doing 12 hour shifts. The worst year was when my youngest was only doing half days at nursery so I slept 2 hrs and had to spend the afternoon with him before picking up the others. My ex didn't understand how hard it was so expected me to do dinner etc while he had a rest. And if he was off work he would wake me up to do stuff after a couple of hours. It pretty much broke me. I was a danger to myself and shouldn't have been looking after 10 (sometimes 20 with staff shortages) dementia patients on my own on so little sleep . I almost had a breakdown.

I would never go back to nights again but think maybe if I had been aloud to rest like your dh wants to it would have been so much easier

My DH does nights and usually has a lie in the morning before, comes out in the morning then sleeps from about 1-5 in the afternoon. It is rubbish and I hate having to have the kids out a lot when he is nights in case they wake him up. He needs the sleep though.

It sucks on both sides, I couldn't sleep til 1am then was up with the baby at 3:30. He's still awake now despite calpol etc. My husband will be home soon and I'll probably get a couple of hours when he comes in, but I'm looking at around 4 hours for the whole night

HeadoftheHive55 You nasty thing

Night shifts are awfull. I usually feel like I've been ran over by the end
My routine would be normal nights sleep then a nap in the afternoon before the first night and then sleep during the day after. Even after a nap I still feel like a zombie all night.

Having a baby awake at night is also terrible but not in the same same way.

I hope you find a soloution soon op

It is tough, DH and I used to shout at eachother all frazzled:" can you hold the baby so I can pee/get her bottle etc"

When really, the screaming baby can be put down for a bit.

A screaming baby does not need to be held 24/7,

If she screams for hours and hours, take her to doc. She may have reflux.

But honestly, put the baby down every now and then.

You poor thing. A screaming clingy sick baby is a terrible thing.

I'm going a bit against the grain here. I work nights as a doctor, but I also have four children. Husband works full time. I usually get up 6-7 for school run, look after preschoolers all day, do after school stuff. Have an hour or so when dh gets in from work and then I go in. I know we are all built differently but somehow the adrenaline at work of a busy shift makes me not feel tired! All the nurses I work with do similar things. If they work a one off night (I never do this as it isn't how my shift pattern works) most of them stay up day before and day after.

I know everyone copes differently and he does need some sleep and understanding, but so does she, I think saying write him off completely is a bit unfair! That means op has to deal with a whiny cling on for four solid days. Can't he wake at say nine, watch the baby for 3-4 hours whilst op goes back for a bit of sleep then he can go rest in the afternoon (obv only on the Pre night day, Not in between!)? Also let the house go and eat lots of takeaway, and watch Netflix with clingy baby asleep on you!

I just want to leap in, not having RTFT, saying one baby IS bloody hard when they're clingy and ill and you're sleep deprived.
It's very important to emphasise YOU ARE NOT A CRAP MUM.
And I can totally understand the feeling you must have, of husband BEING THERE but not able to help. Like you're on parallel universes where you can see each other but not interact. I used to hate it when my husband worked from home occasionally when mine were babies, because he would (understandably) try to avoid getting involved with meltdowns / nappies etc while he was meant to be working. BUT I COULD BLOODY SEE HIM.
I have no experience of shift work and I know it's hard but so is maternirty leave/ being the default parent. Life isn't a 'coping olympics' where you compete to be the most independent and resilient.
So I don't know if YABU but I totally get you. for you. And a bear hug x

My dh works shifts and often does weekend nights as overtime after a 3 day week on days. On a Friday night he'll have a full nights sleep and we have a family day on Saturday. He then usually goes to bed at the same time as 3yo ds and has a couple of hours before going to work about 10. He's usually home by half 8 and will sleep until probably 2pm. I wouldn't expect dh to lie in on the Saturday, we all get up together and do family stuff but dh does seem to not need as much sleep as j do. If he's on week day nights and ds is at nursery and I'm at work he'll text my early afternoon and be awake when he could have a solid 8 hours.

Oh god, DH was a junior doctor when our DC were tiny & this thread brings back so many horrible memories! OP - he's exhausted, you're exhausted, the only way to get through this is to support each other as best as you can. So yes he needs to help out more, you need to acknowledge how tired he is, and be there for him too. This stage will pass and life will get so much better, just hang in in there.

You're being unfair about the night shift and sleep.
You have one baby to look after and, yes, it's a bit harder when they're unwell but you could go to bed with the baby during the day for a nap when the baby is sleeping. It sounds like you both need it to overcome the grumpiness.

I think many people have been unfair to you.

Yes, one can be hard. When DS had bronchiolitis I definitely needed someone else to do everything except hold DS.
Shift or no shift I'd have bloody woken up anyone else at home and told them to hit the door if they decided to sleep while baby and I were struggling.

He could have got up at 9 am and then have a nap later.
Nay. He should.

More importantly, you'll need to discuss expectations with him after you get back to work.

He should remember that he's a parent now and the previous rules don't apply now. He needs to be flexible too and factor in the child.