To ask when you realised your dc was transgender?

[Balsamicpearls]

I have a dd who is 7. She has always been a "tomboy" and prefers stereotypical boy's clothes and toys. She often likes us to play a game where she is a boy. I've never made an issue of this and we play along. She sometimes chooses to wear a dress and plays with girls sometimes. She seems happy in herself but I do notice other children questioning her clothes etc. All very innocent for now.
Maybe she is just a tomboy but I wonder if there is more to it so I wondered if anyone who has a transgender child can guide as to when you spotted signs. I realise we will be just going with the flow anyway and all that matters is she is happy and content.
Thanks

My eldest dd is 6 almost 7. It's only this year I've managed to get her to wear a dress or skirt since she was about 2. She refused to wear them at all. Liked leggings or jeans trainers and tshirts. She's never like dolls or Prams but loves building and playing Lego and is very creative with arts and crafts. My friends girl is the same age and will only wear boys clothes. Her hair is either down or in a ponytail no other way. They went on holiday a few weeks ago and her dd would only wear an all in one Spider-Man costume that's "for boys" for the pool. I don't think she's distressed about being a girl though she just like "boys" things.

I know someone who is trans though and he knew from very early he was about 5 when he started saying he wished he was a girl then it progressed to the need to become a girl. When he was 8 he asked his mum to chop off his willy. We were really good friends at school - he was always gay. Then we lost touch when we left but I've always been friends with him on Facebook. He was very feminine throughout school and was identifying as a woman after we left school. Now he is a gorgeous woman and so happy with it.

If your dd is trans - which doesn't seem to be the case at the moment - she will let you know in her own time but for now just follow her lead. IF it comes about in the future at least you know you will support and love her for who she is.

I was just like your dd. My parents made a lot of mistakes but luckily questioning my sex wasn't one of them.

It's only this year I've managed to get her to wear a dress or skirt since she was about 2.

Why do you want to "get her" to wear a dress or skirt at all?

Whosrightsareright iv so glad you were able to support your dd to grow up to be the fabulous woman she is.

WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere I am so sorry this route has been so hard for you and your child.

I'm not iv...

Crikey, my dd1 wouldn't wear anything but shorts and T shorts at that age - inc. to school, it was in the Middle East and she was allowed - and was never into dolls or anything remotely pink or girly. She was just a thoroughgoing tomboy who grew up into a normally female young woman (but never a girly-girly one) and is now married with 2 little dcs.
Please don't go reading too much into it, OP - she's just a little kid.

She's 7! My 6 year old would like to be a dog, she crawls around the floor and barks. Sometimes asks me to throw a ball for her to fetch. It's a GAME it's FUN she does not want to actually be a dog and she can't. We need to stop labelling children.

OP I hope this thread has helped even if some views appear somewhat 'strident' (my choice of word!)

Please do not accidentally put any ideas in your child's head about this. I am sure you will not, but just be aware there are such current expectations that any child who does not conform to 'gender norms', eg sexual stereotypes, will be trans.

My friends' son is a teenager, as a young boy he could not keep away from our dressing up box (not that we tried to stop him!). It was full (amongst other things) of pink dresses, cheer leading kit, fairy dresses etc! Our dd was quite uninterested in it but you tend to pick up stuff like second hand items etc so we had all this stuff.

The boy was a huge fan of dress up, dancing around, pretty 'theatrical' and a lovely boy. I wondered how things would pan out and now he is a teenager it seems a lot of that is behind him. He appears a happy teenage boy not so interested in the things he once loved. I really think if he had beem born a decade later he would have been pushed into a female 'role' much earlier than 7.

Because it appeared to make him happy to dress and act a certain way and people would assume that meant he was actually 'a girl'.

Also, and I and I know this is not relevant to your post but to the discussion generally, I have a transsexual friend and she feels going through puberty kind of allows people to know more clearly how they really feel.

So puberty blockers stop that further internal 'discussion' for the child.

I am sure it has been hard to read so much here but be aware this thread is not all about your child. You started this thread but people have spoken about themselves (widely) and about their children and other kids. So please do not take all this to heart for your child. You never mentioned anything to do with puberty blockers etc but others did because it is part of the wider trans experience for some and it needs talking about because the drugs used are supposed safe and may well not be.

Anyway, I do hope some of this has helped.

All the best.

Going by the level of trans hate on this website, this was a really unfortunate place for this post. But seriously, just let her be, she maybe transgender she may not, her behaviour as you have described it points to nothing.

It's not "trans hate". It's child abuse hate.

If you're on board with child abuse, I suggest its you that is in the wrong place.

At her age I had cropped hair and lived in jeans and sweatshirts. I was a total tomboy and loved Lego. However, if I was mistaken for a bit I'd be really indignant about it.

My DS went through being upset about being a boy a few years ago at the sane age. He said he wanted ro be a girl which was quite shocking to hear.

I researched things thoroughly as he'd never shown signs off disliking his body he seemed as enamoured of his parts as most boys and one of the first ways they rule out whether a child is truly trans or not is by working out if there is a perceived social benefit to being the opposite sex. So not just that they would feel happier that way. The next time my son said he wanted to be a girl I asked him why. At first he just said he didn't know but I probed until he finally said that the girls at school didn't get in trouble as much as when they were told off they just cried and got let off. He then elaborated that if he was a girl it would be ok for him to like dolls and cooking and art and all the things he likes and he wouldn't be laughed at. So it was totally a perceived benefit issue.

I managed to reassure him that there were plenty of male artists, his uncle (BIL) is a SAHD and that most of the top chefs are men. I also suggested not getting into trouble as much at school

His confidence has grown massively and he's now planning on being a chef when he's older and is very vocal about gender equality at school. He's got very good at shutting down other boys saying the girls can't play football or girls saying boys are rubbish at dance etc. Since I told him it was ok to just like what he likes he's not once said he is or wants to be anything other than a boy.

Don't jump straight to your DD being trans OP. She's had 2-3 years of school now with some kids who might be growing up with very rigid gender roles. DS felt all wrong amongst his peers until I told him to just like what he likes and suggested maybe some of the others were just trying to fit in. Lo and behold, as soon as DS declined to play football in order to make a bug hotel, several other boys couldn't wait to bin off 'boring' football as well.

Give your DD room to express herself and tell her it's ok. Be a quietly supportive influence. She will appreciate and respond to it.

I hate all the labels, child abuse and band wagon jumping.
And this picture. Butchery

Thanks Rhoda. That's really helpful. And thanks to everyone for suggestions

Hope everything works out for you

Not one person here has any idea about the OP and her child. None of your experiences of your non-trans children or yourselves as children (who are not trans either) are relevant in the case of a trans child. OP is not sure of anything yet. But one thing she will likely take away from the majority of this thread is major hostility and intolerance and lack of empathy towards trans people, trans children and parents of trans children. If you don't have a trans child, your 'tomboy' gives you zero experience or insight to comment beyond 'I'm not sure but some kids do display an interest in being and behaving like the other gender stereotype'.

OP this is not the place to find advice or support for a child that is displaying to you something possibly beyond the normal childhood curiosity/interest/determination in trying out the other gender (all can be completely normal in non trans children). You alone are the first and most important judge of what your child is going through. None of us can have any idea.

Not one person here has any idea about the OP and her child. None of your experiences of your non-trans children or yourselves as children (who are not trans either) are relevant in the case of a trans child

Eh? Who said anyone was trans?

What was instructive about this thread was that so many posters (without hostility, intolerance, etc.) spoke of experiences of being gender non-conforming (recognising gender as a harmful social construct) and these experiences can help in the recognition of perfectly normal behaviour. Also salient is that a poster spoke first hand of seeking assistance from CAMHS and finding that she was pushed towards a medical solution with no other option.

But one thing she will likely take away from the majority of this thread is major hostility and intolerance and lack of empathy towards trans people, trans children and parents of trans children.

... so having empathy for children is now "major hostility towards trans people"?

You know, and you know very well, that there is no way to tell your imagined "true trans child" from any of the children mentioned on this thread who you claim are not trans. Ever since sex dysphoria was removed as a requirement for the "true trans", your claims that a boy who said he wants to be a girl isn't trans are not true according to the ideology you yourself stand for. By the ideology you subscribe to, you yourself are transphobic by claiming that Rhoda's son isn't trans. He said he was a girl, and as according to your own ideology, everyone who says they are a girl or woman, are one, the boy is at the very least ex-trans.

Eh, well, considering that having empathy for women is called "transphobia" nowadays, nothing surprises me anymore.

OP seems to be quite happy to have had a variety of opinions to read. I wish her well.

However, you seem to be desperate to pathologise what is normal behaviour for a 7 year old making sense of the world.

Not one person here has any idea about the OP and her child. None of your experiences of your non-trans children or yourselves as children (who are not trans either) are relevant in the case of a trans child

We have every idea. We know the child is just a child. We know they don't need your agenda. We know that there is no such thing as a transgender 7 year old.
We know that people who insist there are and treat children with drugs are child abusers.

terrylene However, you seem to be desperate to pathologise what is normal behaviour for a 7 year old making sense of the world - your use of the word 'pathologise' is exactly right and spot on. Much of the trans agenda is about pathologising perfectly normal behaviour. It is truly frightening.

LadyMary We know that there is no such thing as a transgender 7 year old - again I utterly agree, but where there are children in distress or who do think they have been born in the wrong body (different from transgender) there do need to be CAMHS services available that can offer treatment without making the assumption that the child is trans and/or supplying drugs as therapy as a first and only option.

I hated being a girl when I was little. I wanted to be a boy...but the reason was I thought it wasn't fair I couldn't wear trousers, be allowed to play football and boys got all the advantages, well, in my eyes anyway.
I told my mother many, many times I wanted to be a boy.
I'm glad she didn't start stressing out I may be transgender.
When it suited me I wanted to be a girl.

Parents should just their children be instead of anticipating everything.

It does seem that because there is more awareness and acceptance of being transgender that more people are jumping to conclusions. Why would it happen more often than in the past? Not every girl is girly in a typical way just as many women aren't. Let her be.

This post is long but is something I feel passionate about.

I would like to echo everything that WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere has said. There is no NHS counselling available for children who say or feel that they are transgender. The only counselling there is is at the Gender Clinics. The experience of my trans DS and myself from there is that the GC counsel to make sure the patient is actually likely to have true gender dysphoria before they are referred for any hormone blockers, hormones or surgery. And as already said, nobody can "realise" their child is transgender. Only the person themselves can do that.
I was "lucky" in that I had never heard of the term transgender before 2011 when my child, aged 14 years 6 months told me they wanted to change sex. Up until then they had been a "tomboy". They:
wore boys clothes because that was more comfortable
did typical boys activities because that was more fun/more interesting
had hair cut short because it was easier
had more male friends
was not interested in makeup etc.
wanted to leave girl guides and join scouts.

As I had never heard of transgender people none of these things caused me any angst. I knew about transsexual women but never considered a woman becoming transsexual. I simply allowed my child to enjoy life the way they wished.
although it is only just over 6 years since my child told me how they felt the transgender "movement" has moved on and into public view in a big way. Because it is widely known about now there will be parents like the OP wondering about their DC in a way I never did. Also there are parents of pre-pubertal children who are easily swayed by some media and pressure groups to fully support their children in something they could easily have left behind if allowed to "wait and see".

I believe any parent who suspects their child may have gender dysphoria to keep schtum. say nothing. Allow your child to enjoy life in the way they wish to. Don't start the trans dialogue. You may end up in the position of the mother who last year had her child taken from her because she was forcing him to live as a girl when it was clear to so many that it was the wrong thing to do.

My son is almost 21 now. He is working hard in his first job, has friends and lots of activities and hobbies he enjoys. He has had all the surgery he requires and has a happy fulfilled life. BUT I would have preferred that he had not gone through it all and had continued being a "tomboy", gone on to being gay or whatever.

My message to the OP is to let your child take the lead. Let them be who they want to be. Humour them when they say they wish they were the opposite sex. Allow them to experience varying activities, wear clothes they are comfortable in. And wait and see how they turn out.

You don't realise, you child does in their own time. And hopefully without the influence/encouragement of Reddit etc and the TRAs who want kids to transition, either because they would rather have kids sterilised and chopped up to fit approved gender stereotypes, than be individuals. Or to legitimise their AGP and muffed up ideas of what a woman or man "is".

If you believe that your genitals determine your hobbies/likes and personality, go ahead, chop up your own body to suit. But please don't let anyone do this to your child.