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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask when you realised your dc was transgender?

274 replies

Balsamicpearls · 18/08/2017 14:47

I have a dd who is 7. She has always been a "tomboy" and prefers stereotypical boy's clothes and toys. She often likes us to play a game where she is a boy. I've never made an issue of this and we play along. She sometimes chooses to wear a dress and plays with girls sometimes. She seems happy in herself but I do notice other children questioning her clothes etc. All very innocent for now.
Maybe she is just a tomboy but I wonder if there is more to it so I wondered if anyone who has a transgender child can guide as to when you spotted signs. I realise we will be just going with the flow anyway and all that matters is she is happy and content.
Thanks

OP posts:
Pestilentialone · 18/08/2017 15:08

I wouldn't judge a kid at puberty either actually. Many of them hate it, body hair, painful breasts, embarrassing voices and the rest.
I would be a bit concerned about anyone being trans before about twenty. There is nothing wrong with being gender ambiguous. The less harshly we define the better. The 70s and 80s were full of people who did not conform to labels.
Let her grow up to be a scientist, explorer HGV driver or plumber, whatever. If at 25 she asks you to call her Bob, the answer is "Ok Bob"

Cocklodger · 18/08/2017 15:11

Please leave her alone before you really do confuse her! Confused I was miffed I was a girl too for a bit, as well as also being miffed I wasn't a cat for a while....

picklemepopcorn · 18/08/2017 15:11

If boys in her world get to do fun stuff and behave differently, than she'll want to be a boy.

As a girl, she can do whatever she wants, wear whatever she wants. Help her know that rather than wondering if she's a boy.

IAmEatingACurry · 18/08/2017 15:11

OP, I'm trans and I'm going to repeat what I've already said; unless your child has shown signs of real distress about the sex she was born as then leave well alone and just let her get on with it.

FWIW I grew up with a couple of girls who went through a phase of not wanting to be a girl and expressing a desire to be a boy. None of them ended up being trans.

Mountainviewloo · 18/08/2017 15:11

My sister used to ask when her willy was going to grow and cry when we told her it wouldn't.

This is normal. Not a sign she is "trans".

picklemepopcorn · 18/08/2017 15:12

The trans route is very damaging in health terms, and should be an absolute last resort for people with severe problems.

TinyRick · 18/08/2017 15:12

Tell her she can never biologically be a boy at all.

If you want to go down this path though, OP, you have to tell her she will become sterile and increased cancer risk, blood clots and stroke from being on T.

Mountainviewloo · 18/08/2017 15:12

unless your child has shown signs of real distress about the sex she was born

Surely this is gender dysphoria and requires psychological support, not an operation and/or hormones.

Original poster
Balsamicpearls · 18/08/2017 15:12

Thanks for the interesting points. I'm being very open-minded in how I bring her up. It's actually more tricky with how clearly divided our society is and I want to protect her and let her just be herself

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 18/08/2017 15:14

If she 'seems sad to be a girl' the best thing you can do as her mum is to let her know that the problem isn't her, it's a society which 'codes' certain ways of dressing, playing and ultimately thinking and relating as for 'men' or 'women', or 'boys' and 'girls'. Tell her it's a load of nonsense and the problem isn't being a girl, the issue is that she - like most other women - doesn't fit this stereotype. The good news is she doesn't have to, so yes she can be a perfectly typical girl who likes dressing in trousers and climbing trees and she can bloody well enjoy it and grow up to be a perfectly typical woman who does exactly the same.

Cocklodger · 18/08/2017 15:14

So let her be herself.
Letting her be herself is what you're being advised. Don't stick the trans label on her for no reason.

IAmEatingACurry · 18/08/2017 15:17

Yes mountain that is gender dysphoria.

Normally I would have suggested that if the OP had any reason to believe her daughter had gender dysphoria then she should seek out some therapy but it's not actually easy to get therapy for gender dysphoria these days. It's all puberty blockers and hormones which should be only used as a last resort and only after other methods of help have failed.

KarateKitten · 18/08/2017 15:17

OP this is NOT the place to mention trans in any way. I would actually ask to delete this thread before it gets worse for you.

I think your child will make it clear themselves at some point so I wouldn't be worrying or making any assumptions about anything. I know of one child of 7/8 who has taken on a girls name and full appearance of being a girl in school etc. Her parents just followed her lead and she is a happy child and very different to her identical twin brother who is happy as a boy. She loves being a girl so for now that is who she is. She was very distressed being seen as a boy so her parents went with it.

For me the deciding factor would be their level of distress. But I'd be equally as flexible to them changing back if they wanted to. I was a total tomboy but never once felt I wasn't a girl.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/08/2017 15:17

Oh and incidentally, I never wanted to be a boy when I was her age. I did however very much want to be a wolf, to the extent that I manufactured a tail with a belt which I wore to bed for about six months, and endlessly practised 'running' on all fours.

Perfectly ok now I think. I'm not even a wolef (if they are still going...)

So really - chill out, and please especially don't get influenced by the current seeming obsession with 'transgender' stuff.

StormTreader · 18/08/2017 15:18

MN is very much not in favour of "trans gender" at all, so most of the replies you'll get on this thread will all be of the type "oh stop being hysterical, shes not trans just because she once touched a blue truck, I identify as a purple unicorn." etc.

IAmEatingACurry · 18/08/2017 15:19

Don't be ridiculous Storm.

PlayOnWurtz · 18/08/2017 15:21

I was like her as a child and teen.

I'm most definitely not trans.

Mountainviewloo · 18/08/2017 15:21

That's awful curry :(

storm what's your advice to the op then?

JessicaEccles · 18/08/2017 15:23

Yes, storm it would be so much better to encourage the Op to start her daughter on puberty blockers and dress her as a boy and encourage her to make a life changing decision to transition, AT THE AGE OF 7!!!!

MrsJayy · 18/08/2017 15:23

Dd was accused of stealing a book about dinosaurs from school library by a classroom assistant.
I had to go into school and explain the book was hers she got it for Christmas the teacher apologised on the C A behalf as she thought it wasn't a girl book i kid you not this crap is ingrained in some people.

Op just explain to her that it is fine for girls to enjoy boy things as they are just clothes and toys ask her why she would like to be a boy and take it from there.

KarateKitten · 18/08/2017 15:24

The OP never asked what she should do to help her child transition! She just asked how she can recognise if her child is trans.

BringOnTheScience · 18/08/2017 15:24

OP - have a look at the list of local LGBTQ+ organisations on Stonewall's website. You'll be able to get proper advice, appropriate for your family.
www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/whats-my-area

TheLittleShirt · 18/08/2017 15:26

OP, I read from your post that you are fully supportive and just asking a simple question. I do not know why people are having a go at you. What will be, wil be . You sound like a great parent in my opinion. My teen DD has a few trans friends, some knew from very young(5or 6), others not till teens. Don't worry too much yet.

TinyRick · 18/08/2017 15:28

Yeah but Stonewall's definition of Transgender theoretically includes 99% of the world's population...

TinyRick · 18/08/2017 15:30

Storm this girl is 7.

How on earth does a 7 yo fully understand the ramifications of being Trans?

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