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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask when you realised your dc was transgender?

274 replies

Balsamicpearls · 18/08/2017 14:47

I have a dd who is 7. She has always been a "tomboy" and prefers stereotypical boy's clothes and toys. She often likes us to play a game where she is a boy. I've never made an issue of this and we play along. She sometimes chooses to wear a dress and plays with girls sometimes. She seems happy in herself but I do notice other children questioning her clothes etc. All very innocent for now.
Maybe she is just a tomboy but I wonder if there is more to it so I wondered if anyone who has a transgender child can guide as to when you spotted signs. I realise we will be just going with the flow anyway and all that matters is she is happy and content.
Thanks

OP posts:
FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 24/08/2017 10:22

My youngest was about 7ish when he told me he wanted to be a girl.

It turned out he preferred playing with the girls at playtime - skipping etc rather than football, and pink & purple were his favourite colours.

I had a few age-appropriate chats with him about how everything is just 'stuff' and not boy/girl - he could do or like anything & it didn't make one iota of difference whether he was a boy or a girl.

Having a willy made him a boy, and he can like pink & skipping & still be a boy - after all, I'm a girl & I never wear dresses or skirts & do a job that is mostly boys - I didn't need to grow a willy to do that.

He seemed to understand that it doesn't matter what's in your pants - you can like/dislike whatever as it's just all stuff, not boy's stuff or girl's stuff.

He's 12 now and perfectly comfortable within himself - he still likes pink, still has as many girls as friends as boys.

Him & his big brother joke about how 'mum is one of those bloody feminists' and roll their eyes at 'gender is a social construct' - but they both get it - do/wear/like what you want, it doesn't define your sex or gender - biology does.

KarateKitten · 24/08/2017 10:31

Faith, your son was not and is not transgender clearly. So isn't an example or explanation for kids that are.

CatsAreAssholes · 24/08/2017 10:37

So faith's seven year old thought he was a girl- but he was wrong Karate? How do you know you've got one of those real trans seven year olds? Confused

CatsAreAssholes · 24/08/2017 10:39

Faith told her son that being a boy or girl is solely defined by the contents of his pants, if she'd directed him to mermaids or tumbler I'm sure he'd be calling him self she by now

KarateKitten · 24/08/2017 11:03

You make a lot of assumptions and accusations of parents of trans kids Cats.

grandOlejukeofYork · 24/08/2017 11:05

You make a lot of assumptions and accusations of parents of trans kids Cats

well why not? There's no such thing as a transgender 7 year old,it's the parents causing the problems.

VestalVirgin · 24/08/2017 11:11

It would be hilarious, if that attitude wasn't causing so much harm to children everywhere, that KarateKitten is so sure that OP's daughter must be trans and should be treated as trans, but claims that Faith's son is totes different and never was trans.

KarateKitten, you would have told Faith that she's an evil "terf" if she was posting about her 7 year old son and what she'll do about his genderfeelz (namely, telling him that gender is a social construct) today.

How does that fit in with you acknowledging that he isn't trans now?

Datun · 24/08/2017 11:16

TwistedReach

Thanks for the link. The Tavistock quotes GIRES. Who were very unprofessional in their dealings with the intersex society. So much so that the society had to write a public letter asking them to desist from harassing them. They also went to great pains to reiterate that intersex sex is not the same as transgender. Something that the transgender activists constantly fail to respect.

I'm not sure that the people who run GIRES, (who are highly influential in terms of government policy) are entirely neutral. Neither are they highly qualified. He has an MBA, she is a physiotherapist.

They themselves say:

"Gender identity refers to a person’s sense of fitting into social categories".

So going against cultural expectations.

And they agree that being trans is not something that is identifiable, and therefore verifiable.

"It is not always possible to know whether gender non-conforming behaviors in a child are actually a reflection of gender dysphoria, or whether they are related to some other possible outcome, such as being gay, lesbian or bisexual. Usually, at the onset of puberty, the outcome becomes clearer to the child, and therefore to the relevant adults, including clinicians if they are already involved."

But at the same time say that people who realise they're not trans after all should not form any kind of decision about whether to treat people in the first place.

"The argument that the possibility of ‘desistance’ exists, is neither relevant nor a rational excuse for withholding cross-sex hormones. ‘Desistance’ should be completely detached from decisions about cross-sex hormones."

Also they make a further claim that hormones cures autism. I have no idea whether this is true, but if it is, surely this should be front-page news?

"Anecdotally, young people who have been successfully treated, are often described as having no residual ASD [Autism Spectrum Disorder]. The symptoms have disappeared once the dysphoria has been treated."

So either hormones cures autism, or autism can be synonymous with gender dysphoria?

I don't think anyone is denying that children with autism who think they are trans must be very distressed. It's obvious.

But separating, or trying to make a distinction, between gender dysphoria and autistic children who think they are trans, is surely vital.

I must admit GIRES leaves me very confused.

Claiming it's social, claiming it's autism, yet knowing that gender dysphoria exists in and of itself.

I understand that they can only go on information that is entirely subjective, and therefore only relies on statistics, not a medical diagnosis. But when the treatment is so severe, untested and has such a lifelong consequences it's irresponsible, in my opinion.

They don't know why it exists, they have several theories, but nonetheless they treat it with a sledgehammer. Which does little to reduce the overall distress of the person, anyway.

For the record, the reason why many women profoundly disagree with the ideology, is not because of confused young children. Neither is it because they think that gender dysphoria doesn't need further research and treatment.

It's because a great deal of the people who come under the trans umbrella are autogynephilic. Which is highly misogynistic and indeed it does pose a great threat to women.

Separating out the different layers that now currently come under the word transgender, would be enormous service to both youngsters and people suffering from gender dysphoria. And women in general.

KarateKitten · 24/08/2017 11:23

Vestal, I am not sure the OPs child is anything and my advice was that based on her initial information it all could be perfectly normal behaviour for a child so to not make any assumptions unless there is a lot more to this than what she's said.

I do know one family with a trans 7yr old. And it's nothing like children who are exploring being the other sex like so many of the anecdotes on this thread. And the parents are nothing like the nasty pushy, self absorbed 'trans parents' being villified here.

Of course some if you above don't believe kids can be trans. So theres no point in saying anything to them at all in defence of trans children and their families.

FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 24/08/2017 11:24

😂
Came back on to being told my son was not trans.

Well, yes.
Precisely.
He's not - he's an individual child with individual likes.

But how was my son at 7, different to OP's daughter?
He clearly expressed to me that he wanted to be a girl.

What would your advice have been to me 5 years ago when he was upset about being a boy Cats?

FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 24/08/2017 11:26

Ah! Sorry - meant KarateKitten in my last post, not Cats.

Sorry Cats BlushBlush

KarateKitten · 24/08/2017 11:33

My advice would have been exactly what you did, tread carefully and do your best to give your child the option and confidence to explore the other gender while staying and accepting the sex they were born as. My point is Faith, trans children are not the same as your child so the outcome of such parenting and support will be different. Maybe the OPs child is like your child but maybe they are a trans child. That's the OPs job to figure out.

shockshockhorror · 24/08/2017 11:37

Op, if lots of people are making comments about how she's not "stereotypically girlie" enough, then maybe that's why she seems sad to be a girl.

She feels like she's being a girl wrong. She needs you to explain that she is a girl and therefore whichever way she chooses to be a girl is the right way.

Speculating that she may be trans is not going to help her.

TinyRick · 24/08/2017 16:46

I'm sorry but faith you said your son idls not trans yet you persist with his delusion that he is a girl?

What?

TinyRick · 24/08/2017 16:50

Your son is and never cane a girl.

Why ate you persistent in this with him?

Who is it healthy to tell children they can be something they can never biologically be?

It's barbaric and mentally abusive.

TinyRick · 24/08/2017 16:51

*are

*How

Stupid thumbs

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 24/08/2017 16:52

We do know it causes huge distress and that there are high levels of mental health difficulties/ suicide in the trans community

I know this was way back in the thread, but wanted to point out that this is not necessarily correct. Another way have phrasing it could be that there are large numbers of trans individuals within the mental health issues community. Most (all?) trans people are likely to have other mental health difficulties. It is quite possible that these cause the trans, not the other way around.

oddexperience · 24/08/2017 16:53

I was the tomboy of my five sisters. I'm not transgender at all. However my most girlie sister is transgender (now brother ) . Don't judge now. Don't even suggest it. Balance of probability she is just being a kid. Later if life if she FEELS something is wrong (not just dresses like a boy Hmm) then adress it. But it is extreamly unlikely!!

FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 24/08/2017 16:53

Tiny, you've completely misunderstood my posts Grin

Imagine the complete opposite - that's what I did.

FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 24/08/2017 16:55

As in - I didn't encourage any trans bullshit.

FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 24/08/2017 16:57

In fact, for absolute clarity - here's my post again:

^My youngest was about 7ish when he told me he wanted to be a girl.

It turned out he preferred playing with the girls at playtime - skipping etc rather than football, and pink & purple were his favourite colours.

I had a few age-appropriate chats with him about how everything is just 'stuff' and not boy/girl - he could do or like anything & it didn't make one iota of difference whether he was a boy or a girl.

Having a willy made him a boy, and he can like pink & skipping & still be a boy - after all, I'm a girl & I never wear dresses or skirts & do a job that is mostly boys - I didn't need to grow a willy to do that.

He seemed to understand that it doesn't matter what's in your pants - you can like/dislike whatever as it's just all stuff, not boy's stuff or girl's stuff.

He's 12 now and perfectly comfortable within himself - he still likes pink, still has as many girls as friends as boys.

Him & his big brother joke about how 'mum is one of those bloody feminists' and roll their eyes at 'gender is a social construct' - but they both get it - do/wear/like what you want, it doesn't define your sex or gender - biology does.^

TinyRick · 24/08/2017 17:18

Omg. So sorry *faith. I admit I just went off the last post.

I hope you and your son well :)

Sequence · 24/08/2017 17:19

No More Boys and Girls: Can Our Kids Go Gender-Free?

I've found this programme to be fascinating. It shows what happens when various societal expectations and stereotypes are removed from the environment.

FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 24/08/2017 17:24

Grin no worries Tiny Wine

He's a normal, well adjusted boy who thinks I am a soap-box grandstanding 'bloody' feminist...!!

Thanks for your good wishes Smile

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