To ask when you realised your dc was transgender?

[Balsamicpearls]

I have a dd who is 7. She has always been a "tomboy" and prefers stereotypical boy's clothes and toys. She often likes us to play a game where she is a boy. I've never made an issue of this and we play along. She sometimes chooses to wear a dress and plays with girls sometimes. She seems happy in herself but I do notice other children questioning her clothes etc. All very innocent for now.
Maybe she is just a tomboy but I wonder if there is more to it so I wondered if anyone who has a transgender child can guide as to when you spotted signs. I realise we will be just going with the flow anyway and all that matters is she is happy and content.
Thanks

Op if you want a different perspective google 'when I realised I was trans' or similar. You will be able to find accounts from people who identify as trans and their parents. Again, that's not to say there's any reason at this point to think your child will identify this way. But I know you were asking for people with experience of identifying as rather than just people with opinions! I know that some parents have posted here movingly and painfully. I don't think many parents would feel comfortable posting their experience here however given the narrative of implied narcissistic fashion following and abuse etc.

Speaking as someone who has read extensively on both sides of the Trans narrative...

DO NOT google 'when I realised I was trans'

It will throw up a lot of those who have AGP (aka the main voices on the internet who are TRAs)

My cousin used to play with my barbies and I would play with his star wars figures! Most of the time I wore 'boy clothes' and although yes I'm bisexual, I dont believe that had anything to do with it! Try not to think about it, even now I still shop in the men's section for t-shirts, I prefer baggy fit to fitted and sometimes mens clothes are cheaper for similar things. I know someone who was convinced he should have been born a woman, spent two years on hormones etc and then came to the realisation he was definitely a he, he's in his 20's so there isn't really a time for everyone. Sorry this was so long but when your dd is old enough to understand I'm sure she will tell you if you're open with her!

If you want a transperson's perspective you can go no wrong in reading Miranda Yardley (she is also a MNer)

mirandayardley.com/en/common-threads-and-narratives-of-transgender-children-and-what-this-means-for-our-lesbian-and-gay-populations/

FGS!

NOT ONCE has the OP said that she's mentioned trans issues to her daughter, diagnosed her daughter as trans or done ANYTHING except idly wonder and try and find out more information about it in case it becomes an issue in later life. NOT ONCE has she suggested that she's done ANYTHING except what pretty much every poster on this thread has advised - let her be herself, accepted her as someone who sometimes likes to wear dresses and sometimes likes to play with toys that are usually seen as male, and not made a big deal of it.

OP, you're doing fine. And what PP have said, trans isn't something you diagnose someone else with, it's something they have to figure out for themselves. Make sure your daughter knows that she's loved and accepted and whoever she is is fine with you.

Or alternatively DO NOT and just accept the perspective shown here.
As I have said I don't think from what you have said there is any reason to think your child is trans. But if you want to hear other people's experiences you will not get a range of experience here.
I also have to object to the idea earlier that there is no mental health support for kids who are experiencing gender dysphoria due to 'the trans agenda' or whatever expression was used. Utter rubbish. Camhs is variable depending on where you live- but there are many child and adolescent mental health professionals who will help kids with these issues and despite what is said on here that does not mean pushing for kids to transition.

The OP may not be doing any of those things however the possibility that her DD may be trans is already in her head otherwise she wouldn't have started this thread.

I was like that until uni! I always spent time with. It's- struggled to socialise with girls. I was outdoorsy- loved climbing trees- I was happier when I had multiple bruises and 'war wounds'. I never wore makeup. I wore combat trousers or jeans and hoodies. I hated 'chick flicks' and all the girly nights in with girls magazines.

However, something hit me in my first year of uni and it all changed (although I hate makeup still!)

I'm not transgender

I think it's bizarre that people want to leap to labelling a child as transgender simply because they don't conform to expectations (i.e. wear pink and play with dolls).

My favourite toys when I was growing up were Castle Greyskull, Meccano and a robot. I didn't wear pink or dresses and once when someone put me in a velvet dress I cut it off with scissors. I liked having duels with 'swords' made from sticks and building dens.

I'm not transgender. I was just a kid that preferred jeans and robots.

People should stop this ridiculous labelling of children...if they are transgender I'm sure they will tell you when they're old enough to know what it is and how they feel.

"Let her grow up to be a scientist, explorer HGV driver or plumber, whatever. If at 25 she asks you to call her Bob, the answer is "Ok Bob""

^ This. This is how to be supportive without labelling your child...

Ferrets

Exactly. It's right there in the thread title. It's an assumption that her daughter will be trans.

I had a cousin growing up who I vividly remember talking to at around 7/8 and she told me how she hated being a girl and wanted to be a boy, she said she couldn't wait 'to have a willy'. She was very much a tom boy and lived in a football shirt, walked in a 'laddy' way etc. This was 20 odd years ago when there didn't seem to be many transgender children around and her parents just basically ignored it and treated her just as a tom boy.

She grew out of it and is now happily married to the man of her dreams. She isn't a girly girl but she laughs of her 'stage'. I really wouldn't push it OP or at this stage even consider it. If she does come to you in a few years time and still feel this way you sound lik you will accept this and help her through.

Is no one else thinking this is a wind up?

I also have to object to the idea earlier that there is no mental health support for kids who are experiencing gender dysphoria due to 'the trans agenda' or whatever expression was used. Utter rubbish. Camhs is variable depending on where you live- but there are many child and adolescent mental health professionals who will help kids with these issues and despite what is said on here that does not mean pushing for kids to transition.

It was both a transwomen and a poster who has a child who is trans who talked about the poor mental health support. I'd say they're speaking from personal experience.

^transwoman.

They may be. As I said Camhs can be variable depending on where you live and services are being slashed horrendously. But it was a generalisation that just is not true overall.

OP I don't think this is something you should be worrying about, she's only 7 years of age, it isn't like she has told you that she is unhappy being a girl and she'd like to be a boy, just go with the flow.

I'm thankful that my DD is intelligent and understood when I explained about how puberty blockers would essentially stunt her brain growth and that the teen years are essential for brain growth.

That's a fucked up thing but I had to tell her.

It did cross my mind Pippi. When I read the OP when it was first posted I actually wan't expecting this thread to stay up so long.

When I was young I wore boys clothes, had my hair cut short and wanted people to call me Peter. This went on for years. I remember one day in Woolworth's a boy told me I can't have girls toys when he saw me looking at barbies. I think that was what made me want to wear girls clothes again.
It was very straightforward when I was young. I did not want to be told what I could or could not wear or play with. I'm very grateful to my parents for letting me choose what I wanted without making it into more than what it was.

FFS gender is not a real thing, it's a societal construct built on out dated (if they were ever real) stereotypes.

A genuine feeling of body dysmorphia and hatred of your own self/skin/figure/a desire to self harm is very different.

No one - no one - can feel like someone of the opposite sex. It makes NO SENSE.

Sounds like me at that age. Of course I didn't want to be a girl, not when the kids I'm the playground say 'girls can't do this or that' / be doctors/ cowboys /pilots etc. I refused to wear dresses and cried when my parents put me down on the census as female. At that age you don't want to be 'lesser' if you can help it. It's crap, but the way things are. And my mum was the breadwinner and DIY doer ( must have come from school / TV). I'm straight and not transgender btw.

Balsamicpearls you sound like a lovely, supportive, concerned mum. Lots of good advice in this thread about you and your daughter embracing feminism together, and hopefully as she discovers how amazing women have been/are/can be, she will become less unhappy about being a girl. Wishing you both well xx

I wanted to be a boy from age 6 and wanted a sex change - tho it wasn't something available at the time. I cried when I got breasts and still maintained in my head I was really a boy until my mid twenties.

Eventually I came to realise how on earth would I know what it was like to be a boy and that really I had no idea despite all my efforts to socialise myself as male.

I realise in retrospect that because I liked boy coded toys and wanted to be explorer when there were no female tole models that I had made an erroneous logical leap. I'd also noticed women and girls were less valued and got the shit end of the stick so it seemed preferable to become a boy.

Effectively I had internalised misogyny and the problem wasnt me or my body it was society.im sure many black children probably want to be white too.

There may be a vanishly small number of people with some hormone based condition which makes them feel like the opposite sex but the media obsession with all things trans means every gender non conforming child is now seen as a trans person on the way to coming out.

I think transing children is a huge mistake and even if your daughter did start expressing distress about her body I think learning to accept oneself is the best course of action. If at 18 someone decides to change their body then ok but to encourage them in any way prior to that point I think dubious.

I think in 20 years time there will be a rash of court cases from by then adults saying how were they allowed to sterilise themselves as children. It seems unethical. And I don't buy the "your child will die if you don't help them" narrative either.

There were not swathes of children killing themselves over dysphoria prior to hormonal treatment being available. If a child wanted to chop their leg off or take drugs so they didn't grow taller I can't see anyone advocating that being the progressive thing to do.

Going through puberty resolves the vast majority of kids with dysphoria. In answer to your question there is no way you would know your child was trans. Because there is no test. Its entirely based in self perception. And as I found that in itself can itself be unreliable.

Sorry only read the first page.

OP I cried and screamed I wanted to be boy , when I was 4 and 5, I wouldn't wear skirts or pink, I only pulled dolls apart, I played with my brothers toys, Lego, star wars, cars, at 7 my mum let me cut off all my hair, I eventually stopped saying I wanted to be a boy, but I still played and did stereo typical boy stuff.

Early teens I wore boys clothes, and styles. Occasionally i would wear a dress and sometimes a school skirt. I never got girl stuff or understood girly girls.

No one questioned me, No one said I was a boy in a girls body.

I hated getting boobs, and periods.

But slowly over the rest of my teens I just became me.

I'm married with 2 dc, still tomboyish but wear dresses and skirts when I fancy, and put make up on for occasions. I'm just me.

I shudder to think what direction my life would have gone, if I was that child now.

Please just let your DD just be herself, let her cut her hair if she wants, let her wear what she wants, let her play how she wants.