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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask when you realised your dc was transgender?

274 replies

Balsamicpearls · 18/08/2017 14:47

I have a dd who is 7. She has always been a "tomboy" and prefers stereotypical boy's clothes and toys. She often likes us to play a game where she is a boy. I've never made an issue of this and we play along. She sometimes chooses to wear a dress and plays with girls sometimes. She seems happy in herself but I do notice other children questioning her clothes etc. All very innocent for now.
Maybe she is just a tomboy but I wonder if there is more to it so I wondered if anyone who has a transgender child can guide as to when you spotted signs. I realise we will be just going with the flow anyway and all that matters is she is happy and content.
Thanks

OP posts:
keyboardjellyfish · 18/08/2017 17:30

You 'realise' when your child tells you that they're transgender. This sounds like any 7 year old who likes to be practical. Could be trans, could not be trans, but none of this is anything to do with being transgender whatsoever.

maddiemookins16mum · 18/08/2017 17:59

Ooooh, she chooses to wear a dress? So did I last week. I also chose navy blue knickers, and a black bra. Today I chose trousers.
Transgender 7 year olds.....fffft...barking mad parents.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 18/08/2017 18:06

I wanted to be a boy at that age because boys had more fun - they got to play rough games, climb trees, wear a tracksuit (my idea of heaven), have short hair....

I'm now a 50 year old (straight) woman who has never had a manicure or facial, still has short hair and rarely wears a dress. But I have never remotely entertained the possibility that I might not really be female. My wanting to be a boy as a child wax a tully about wanting uo have the same opportunites as a boy, which is a diffeent thing.

It's really sad to read that a 7 year old girl in 2017 is considered to possibly be a boy because she likes short hair and wearing trousers. I mean, seriously????

ChattyLion · 18/08/2017 18:08

Great posts AskBasil and also Wham -and Flowers.
It sounds like OP's daughter might be pleased to find out more about feminism when she is older.

NotMyPenguin · 18/08/2017 18:19

It's perfectly normal to be a girl who wears stereotypically 'boy' clothing and does stereotypically 'boy' activities. I did this when I was a child, and wanted my hair cut short etc.

I am very happy being a woman and am a very happy mum. I am definitely not transgender. I still believe that gendered clothing is restrictive and a bit sad, though, because it makes children believe that certain attributes (sports, colours, activities) 'belong' with certain genders, which is not true.

lynmilne65 · 18/08/2017 18:25

My bffs granddaughter has 'come out' as transgender, she is 12, has her breasts bound and is waiting for op to stop her periods.

BlurryFace · 18/08/2017 18:26

You know, I went through a stage of wanting to be a boy. For years, as a small child. I wanted short hair instead of hair down to my arse, I didn't want to be forced (and my mother did have to FORCE me) into horrible dresses to go to parties. I used to tell kids I was actually a boy but my mum made me have long hair. I used to boil in 25 degree weather as the options at school were trousers or dresses/skirts for girls, no shorts. When I found out about periods I was angry I wasn't a boy. When I wasn't allowed to strip off to my knickers and swim with my younger sisters at the beach, I felt dirty.

Growing up as a little girl really sucks for some of us. Doesn't make me trans though.

VestalVirgin · 18/08/2017 18:28

Actually; I fear the OP is right to expect that her DD will start to identify as trans the moment she gets on tumblr, or is told about it by her peers.

When I was 7 I told boys who claimed my haircut was a "boy" haircut to fuck off. (Ok, not really, but I distinctly remember thinking them very silly. Not sure what I actually said at the time)

Actually getting to the point where you wish you were a boy instead of wishing you could crush patriarchy, is rather dangerous nowadays.

Others already said all there's to say about not doing any gender stereotyping to the child.

I only have to add: Tell her about second wave feminism. There are no feminist texts for 7 year olds, as far as I am aware of, but you can read stuff and tell her about it in an age appropriate way.

Show her that she has a choice. She doesn't have to be transgender. She can also become a feminist.

The thing is that nowadays, as gender non conforming girl or young woman, you either become a feminist or you succumb to the extreme pressure of transgenderism.
If you encounter transgenderists in your life, and in the UK, you will, they WILL force you to call yourself "cis" and thus pretend that you identify with being oppressed under patriarchy, and chose oppression, or pick some of their approved gender identities.

If you resist them, you don't even have to consider yourself a feminist. They will call you a "terf" thus decide it for you.

lynmilne65 · 18/08/2017 18:28

Oh me too turquoise!!!

VestalVirgin · 18/08/2017 18:36

My bffs granddaughter has 'come out' as transgender, she is 12, has her breasts bound and is waiting for op to stop her periods.

Poor child! At 12, I didn't even HAVE periods yet.

Girls starting puberty younger and younger is an issue that needs to be adressed. (And preferably not with puberty blockers ...)

MagdalenLaundry · 18/08/2017 18:40

Tell her there is nothing she can do as a girl
It is impossible to change sex. If she wants to appear make it means a life time of hormones, surgery and an early death
Or start thinking of a name for your YouTube show

Oblomov17 · 18/08/2017 18:43

This thread makes me sad. Weep.

The lines between being a tomboy (which I myself was -dunagrarees, doc martins, playing in mud, and now being uber feminine and dresses and earrings)

seemed to be becoming blurred with transgender. Which is a very serious issue, possibly years of treatment, and even the then not being comfortable in your own skin, still not accepting what you are. Not being accepted. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Please don't confuse or blur to two very different issues.

DeleteOrDecay · 18/08/2017 18:45

My bffs granddaughter has 'come out' as transgender, she is 12, has her breasts bound and is waiting for op to stop her periods

Madness, absolute madness.

Oblomov17 · 18/08/2017 18:47

What's frightening is that the OP even needed to ask.

The difference between tom-boy and transgender is huge.

No one few even knew the word years ago.

I really wish all this transgender nonsense would go away.

And just leave the few who really are transgender and REALLY need our support and acceptance.

Mrskeats · 18/08/2017 18:52

My step daughter also binds her breasts
It's so sad

Balsamicpearls · 18/08/2017 18:52

My goodness. At which point did I say I've booked my dd in for an operation or that I've even broached this subject with her? Im not using labels...I'm being open minded and just curious about a potentially relevant topic. I've have other children who are younger and I've never had a seven year old before so I'm learning. Please don't judge as you have extremely limited information from me - I asked a question. I just want to make sure I am trying to understand my child. I'm not jumping on a bandwagon. I don't care how she dresses or what she plays with. I care about her being hurt by the many people who have commented on her not being stereotypically "girlie". I'm extremely proud of her and encourage her to do things that make her happy.
Thanks to those who have offered advice and support. I think I'm already trying to do the things you suggest as part of supportive parenting.

OP posts:
Justgivemesomepeace · 18/08/2017 19:01

My niece refused dresses, pink, 'girly stuff for as long as I can remember. Would only wear boys clothes right down to underwear. My sister only managed to get her in girls school pants in yr7 when her body shape started to change and she couldn't fit in boys pants. She's 13 now and still will only scrape her beautiful curly hair into a frizzy pony tail, doesn't own any make up, wears sports/skater type clothes, spent her birthday money on a fancy scooter and goes bmx'ing' with her friends who are boys. She's great and I love her for just being who she is. She's not transgender- she's a girl who can't be bothered with the faff of trying to look how others think she should look. She likes comfy clothes and being out and about on her bike. Sounds good to me.

TinyRick · 18/08/2017 19:08

Please do not take offence OP.

The thing is 15-20-30-40 years ago this question wouldn't be asked.

I am speaking as a parent whose daughter has recently had a gender dysphoria diagnosis from her doctor just because she prefers wearing boys clothes and has a very short haircut.

I have since discovered that she has been watching FtT videos on YouTube and also, most importantly, has acknowledged she is a lesbian.

I have parented her like you have, OP. She has a feminist for a mum. I see a lot of the tomboy that I was in her. Difference is now they can go online and get soaked up in the Transagenda and think 'well, I prefer boy clothing, I prefer short hair, I like girls' and think they must be a boy.

Girls now outnumber boys in referrals to gender identity clinics. And you have to ask why.

Trustmeimadoggroomer17 · 18/08/2017 19:10

Oh for fuck sake.... Your one off those parents then... Trans is popular now so I'm going to give my child life long issues! Good one

limon · 18/08/2017 19:13

Nothing in your post suggests that she is transgender. Do stop. Let her jus be her.

Trustmeimadoggroomer17 · 18/08/2017 19:13

Like seriously before I was sixteen I was a tomboy, a goth, a girly girl, a tomboy again! It's pathetic I'm a grown woman now and I'm just a girl who will not wear makeup and dress like a girly girl unless I'm going so where I still want to be a lady

GavelRavel · 18/08/2017 19:16

oh fgs just let her be herself. She's 7, she knows nothing about sexuality, which imo is what tg is all about. I've lost count of the number of girls I've met, myself included, who were tomboys/not girly/not interested in makeup. Doesn't mean they're transgender and didn't stop me having children and fancying boys. Just leave her alone and be glad she hasn't fallen for all the girly pink gender stereotyping nonsense.

Branleuse · 18/08/2017 19:17

My dd wanted to be a boy at 7 and 8. Now she's 9 she is fine with being a girl.
Don't over think it. She's just a child

AssassinatedBeauty · 18/08/2017 19:24

The people who comment on her not being "girlie" are the issue here. I would try and shield your daughter from people like that as much as possible, and respond to their comments in a way that shows up their stereotyped and rigid thinking. It's pretty standard for some girls to reject the stereotypes associated with their sex. It doesn't mean anything at all at the moment. I agree that finding out what makes her sad would be helpful as you can start to address her beliefs about what girls and women can do.

VestalVirgin · 18/08/2017 19:24

Please, there's no need to be so aggressive about it. OP is understandably confused because we are fed genderist propaganda everywhere now.

She hasn't announced she wants to trans her daughter.

And that her daughter might get the idea to trans herself is a very real danger.