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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when you realised your dc was transgender?

274 replies

Balsamicpearls · 18/08/2017 14:47

I have a dd who is 7. She has always been a "tomboy" and prefers stereotypical boy's clothes and toys. She often likes us to play a game where she is a boy. I've never made an issue of this and we play along. She sometimes chooses to wear a dress and plays with girls sometimes. She seems happy in herself but I do notice other children questioning her clothes etc. All very innocent for now.
Maybe she is just a tomboy but I wonder if there is more to it so I wondered if anyone who has a transgender child can guide as to when you spotted signs. I realise we will be just going with the flow anyway and all that matters is she is happy and content.
Thanks

OP posts:
StarryCorpulentCunt · 18/08/2017 15:30

Oh for fucks sake. I was sad to be a girl at that age. I wanted to be a horse. Was I transspecies? I also wanted to be a boy aged 10. I had an overactive bladder and envied them being able to pee standing up. I got the fuck over it.

StormTreader · 18/08/2017 15:30

@JessicaEccles thank you for proving my point so concisely by immediately getting rediculous.

@Mountainviewloo my advice to the OP would be "its not a thing you realise, its a thing your child decides for themselves, and they are way too young to do that in any meaningful way yet. The chances are very likely that they are not trans, its pretty unusual. Love them for who they are, be supportive of them in general, and listen to what they have to say about all manner of things so that IF they later feel they may be trans, they know they can talk to you about it without judgement. And IF they do do that, and you need more information and advice around that, go to a trans website for that rather than here."

YetAnotherSpartacus · 18/08/2017 15:31

Oh Goddess, don't go near Stonewall!

blimppy · 18/08/2017 15:31

Throughout my childhood I wore trousers, climbed trees, played with cars and my favourite imaginative play always involved me playing the MALE hero in some form of war setting. I'm now a married mother of two. It's lovely that you first thought is to support your daughter, but please just let her grow up being herself and protect both you and her from external expectations.

ShotsFired · 18/08/2017 15:32

@Balsamicpearls Oh my goodness! Really wasn't prepared for that kind of response. I'm only wondering because she has said lots of times she wishes she were a boy and seems sad to be a girl

I'm afraid to say that your child's expressions to "be a boy" are largely down to the way you are raising her, to believe in stupid stereotypes that certain toys, clothes, activities etc are not for girls/vice-versa. She wants to do them and you have essentially told her she is wrong for that.

I'm trying to be a good mum but I was just looking for some support on an issue about which I know little
I don't doubt your general good intentions, but thank fuck you asked now then, before you went haring off down a possibly hugely damaging and destructive, ill-informed route of labelling her "trans" just because it is a trendy thing being thrown about like candy atm.

In fact, just stop it with the labels altogether. Your daughter will thank you for it.

IAmEatingACurry · 18/08/2017 15:33

The OP asked a question...and people have answered.

The answer is simple really. The OP just needs to remind her daughter that she can do the same things boys can do and she doesn't need to be a boy in order to do them.

The OP has also been advised to just let her daughter be for now and to only intervene if she is distressed or wants to hurt herself in some way.

Original poster
Balsamicpearls · 18/08/2017 15:33

Thanks for the points of advice. As some of you have noted I'm simply asking as a way of trying to support my child. I love her and want to try to look after her in a caring and informed way.

OP posts:
chronicleink · 18/08/2017 15:35

Just let her be, she's very unlikely to be trans. Just because she likes 'boys' things doesn't mean she's trans or gay...

BeyondQueenOfLists · 18/08/2017 15:35

My DS was four when someone first commented that he was transgender.

He isn't, he's a child.

IAmEatingACurry · 18/08/2017 15:38

And when I say intervene, I mean with some counselling and some professional mental health support. That's assuming you can find any of course. Thank the trans activists for that.

pootlepootle · 18/08/2017 15:39

When I was little I wanted to be a blackbird. Like really really really. Properly upset I couldn't be a blackbird. their lives seemed so happy and uncomplicated without anyone trying to force you to learn your times tables.

AndNowItIsSeven · 18/08/2017 15:42

Op well do that that then , raise your daughter as your daughter, full stop.

JessicaEccles · 18/08/2017 15:43

I was a right tomboy when I was a child- still am in many ways. But I also remember one of the neighbourhood boys showing me something that looked like a purple acorn and saying 'Don't you wish you had one of those?'. And I thought 'Yeuuch NO'. Grin

notevernotnevernotnohow · 18/08/2017 15:44

It's not supportive to look for issues to force onto your child that they don't have.
She doesn't need any support, she just needs to be allowed to be herself.

IAmEatingACurry · 18/08/2017 15:47

Have you tried asking her why she is sad about being a girl?

Original poster
Balsamicpearls · 18/08/2017 15:49

Crikey. I've raised her with love along with toys, dolls and cars and robots...the things she chose. I'm flabbergasted at the accusations of it being my closed mind that's leading to conclusions. But thank you for the helpful comments

OP posts:
NicolasFlamel · 18/08/2017 15:51

Rahn staaahp

notevernotnevernotnohow · 18/08/2017 15:52

Are you? What did you really expect people to say...yes hun she's probably really a boy, go and get her some testosterone and football boots?

bridgetoc · 18/08/2017 15:52

Another crazy mumsnet classic... ?

Emmeline123 · 18/08/2017 15:53

OP I'm sorry you've been flamed but I tend to generally agree with pp. You should be asking her why she is sad she is a girl - I'm pretty sure it's because of what society has told her being a girl means. And then you need to tell her that girls can be whoever or whatever they want to be. She probably wants to be a boy because in the books and on tv they are adventurers, heroes, strong. They are allowed to like climbing trees and dirt and comfy practical clothes and remote control cars. So should all little girls be. Personally I had no sense of what gender I was at that age, I just liked what I liked.

quercuscircus · 18/08/2017 15:54

As curry and most of the other PP say, just let her be HERSELF. Support her by saying that boys and girls can do all sorts of things and it doesn't matter whether they are boys or girls.

I am going to try to watch the BBC show about boys and girls because from the trailer you can already see that there is gender bias against girls from both sexes. I'll be interested to see the whole series, as I was hoping things would have changed since I was a child as it is already most people's experience that children are exposed to gender discrimination from a young age.

More than likely your child is just reacting to comments like "girls can't play football" etc. It is a simplistic comment that any child or female might make if they were told that being a girl meant that they couldn't vote, climb trees, run, have dinosaurs on her shoes but had to be pretty and pink and perfect etc etc.

Don't put any ideas in her head. If there is an issue in the future, then she will most likely let you know.

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 18/08/2017 15:57

When I was very young (60s), I sometimes wanted to be a boy, because they seemed to get to do more fun things. Both my friend and I were little tomboys, but in different ways. I liked playing with cars and building stuff with lego or meccano, and climbing trees. She always dressed like a boy, had short hair and wore "boys" shoes, but she never looked like a boy, just like a tomboy girl. My mum kept my hair very short and I was sometimes mistaken for a boy. Sometimes that amused me, sometimes it make me wish for long 'girly' hair.

Now we are middle-aged adults, neither of us ever wear skirts, she still wears "men's" clothes and has a short back and sides. She's 100% female, and a lesbian. I've got my long girly hair, but not hugely feminine in any other way. I'm also 100% female, and heterosexual. I still like climbing trees.

Don't try to guess what your daughter will become, OP, as only time will tell. You don't need to support her, just be her mum.

MsPassepartout · 18/08/2017 16:03

she has said lots of times she wishes she were a boy and seems sad to be a girl

This does not necessarily make her trans. I felt and said similar things when I was a girl.
I never had gender dysphoria or any distress over having a female body.
But I did have certain interests and enjoy certain activities that were considered more suitable for boys, plus a disinterest in some more stereotypically girly things, so there was a definite element of "if I was a boy then it would be okay for me to like this" and "I'm sick of people acting like I should want to do (girly thing), if I was a boy I wouldn't be expected to do this". And then later on, when I started to become aware of how differently society treats men and women, there was an element of "I wish I was a boy because men have it easier than women"

So for me, none of my saying I wanted to be a boy or being sad about being a girl was about me actually wanting a male body, it was about my discomfort with the roles society tries to push onto girls and women, and my frustration about the inequalities that still exist in our society between men and women.

Clearly you know your DD better than anyone here, but is it possible that some of this might apply in your case? That maybe it's about other people making her think she shouldn't be doing "boy" things when she's a girl, when not about a deep seated distress about having a female body?

(Not accusing you of telling her she shouldn't do xyz because she's a girl BTW. IME I got far more messages about what girls should do and be xyz from wider society than I ever did from my parents.)

rosy71 · 18/08/2017 16:04

She sounds like a perfectly normal girl to me.

TwistedReach · 18/08/2017 16:06

Balsamic,
Im so sorry you are getting this response. It sounds like you want to help your daughter with anything that she goes through and I completely understand why you asked for advice. For posters to suggest you are a bad parent is really horrible and completely unfair.
MN frequently has threads about transgender issues, but they are generally not from people with first hand experience but a particular feminist slant who are angry about their perception that transgenderism is a threat to women.
This has absolutely nothing to do with you. You have just walked into a particularly vicious part of mn in my opinion.
I do agree that it is very unlikely that your daughter is actually transgender but I think she is lucky to have a mum who is open to her being whoever she wants to be and who wants to support her.
I don't think this is the right place for you to get support sadly. I agree with others that you should ask her why she is unhappy being a girl and see if this is something you can support her with. If she is actually really distressed about being a girl, then I would seek support. Not to rush into assuming anything about her being trans, but just to try to understand why she feels unhappy, and why it seems to focus on gender.
But from what you say, she doesnt sound deeply distressed. And probably won't need anything more than a supportive mum who is interested in how she feels, and yes can reassure that girls can like 'boys' toys, games, clothes etc and that that is absolutely okay and does not mean there is anything wrong with her.
Please remember those making hurtful comments no absolutely nothing about you or your daughter!