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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask what's your biggest regret in life?

413 replies

EagledWingsofRefuge · 16/08/2017 16:09

That and have you regretted more things you didn't do or did do?

I have a difficult decision to make and I'm wondering if I make the wrong choice if it'll turn out to be my biggest regret in life. It just made me wonder, what's everyone else's regrets? And are they over things you regret doing or regret not doing?

OP posts:
teenybean · 16/08/2017 23:57

Giving up a sport when i was 15 that I had a real talent in & could have gone very far in, all because my abusive bf at the time didn't like what I had to wear for it, also obviously really regret the abusive bf & the two years I spent with him.

That I didn't concentrate harder at school, was meant to get a's & b's for gcse's, I got d's! (My parents were going through an awful, hate filled divorce all through my last two years at school.)

Not getting my education back on track & ending up working in shite shops on minimum wage for the past 14 years.

Wasting my inheritance on bollocks, when I could have got myself back on track & got a career started, instead I just pissed it away!

Not travelling.

Not spending more quality time with dp before we fell pregnant (accidently, 8 months after getting together.)

Opening up too much to the wrong people.

But I'm happy, I've got an amazing dp who I've been with for 10 years, we have amazing dc, & hopefully within the next 5 years, I will retrain, get myself back on track, start a career & start looking at buying a house together.

teenybean · 17/08/2017 00:00

Not sure what happened to my post, I did put paragraphs in, but clearly they removed themselves!

VelvetSpoon · 17/08/2017 00:12

Losing touch with someone who, in my early 20s was my best friend. She got married to a successful man, had kids, beautiful home, was a sahm. I was a single parent to my eldest, then ended up in an abusive relationship, had another DC, got fat, lived in a building site of a house. My life was so shit i stopped contacting her. I always planned to get in touch again though. Once I was thinner, house was done, in a good relationship, i always planned it. About 4 years ago i was seeing this guy who lived just a few miles from her.

I thought so much about her. I still do. She never did Facebook etc to my knowledge but i used to google her every now and then (distinctive name). Last year on a whim I searched.

She'd died a couple of months previously Sad.

I still can't believe i will never speak to her again. I wish id not kept putting it off. She might have forgotten me, or not wanted to know. But I'm incredibly sad I'll never get the chance to try. I hadnt spoken to her for 17 years but I still miss her so much. I never ever thought we wouldn't speak again one day.

PickleRick · 17/08/2017 00:23

My degree result was far below my intellectual capabilities. Even despite that, I could, in theory, have achieved great things in almost any career I could have chosen. I have a natural aptitude for understanding complex ideas and systems very quickly, am capable of being highly organised, am a creative problem solver and have a very high IQ.

But I suffer ADHD and occasionally crippling social anxiety, and there's plenty of reasons to suspect that I'm autistic. I also have a family history of severe psychosis and suicide.

So I'm just happy that I've carved out a stable, comfortable life with a wonderful DC, a few good friends, good family relationships and a job I usually enjoy. I've learned to measure my expectations not by what I could have achieved had I been a slightly different version of myself, but rather what I have achieved considering the person I actually am. Given the risk to myself of just being me, the fact that I'm still here as a functioning adult is a victory of sorts.

Are there things I could regret in my past? Yes, there certainly are. I've ruined friendships. I've let myself be manipulated and taken advantage of. I've passed up opportunities for a much more successful life. I've missed out on a lot of fun. But do I regret that I've become someone who tries to get the most out of my particular life, and who tries to be the best person I can hope to be? No, of course not, and that is in part because of the mistakes I've made.

The best approach to life is, in my mind, humility. We are not the masters of our own destiny - that's an idea thrust upon us by our deeply individualistic, selfish, identity-focused society. It's profoundly egotistical to think that we mere mortals can simply choose to be whoever we want to be (and therefore should regret any deviation from that imagined perfect life). That's not how humans work. The best any of us can do is to try to learn from our mistakes, make the most of the hand that fate has dealt us, give what we can of ourselves to others and not let failure deter us from embracing life.

I don't regret the flawed, imperfect, but ultimately positive person I am today, and that makes it a lot easier to not regret the mistakes I've made in the past.

tl:dr

OP, make the best choice you can. If it turns out to be the wrong one, don't beat yourself up about it because making mistakes is part of being human. Try to learn from mistakes, stay positive and stay generous of spirit and you'll have no need for regret because you'll be a good person, and that's the best achievement there is.

Flamingosarepink · 17/08/2017 00:37

Ive been pondering my biggedt regret since first reading this thread.
I cant pinpoint 1. There are several biggies where ive fucked up quite sprctacuarly but the more i think the more i realise that i regret pretty much every decision ive made in the past 30 years.
Its made me realise how unhappy i am in my life right now and in the past. It kind of gets to a point where you become frozen, too nervous to make changes ..... cos whatever path i take, i will probably regret it.

Didactylos · 17/08/2017 00:46

I dont have many regrets about things Ive done: even the bits where I made wrong choices or got hurt, or stayed in bad relationships I think I have put in a perspective and they have in some ways made me

but I really regret some of the things I didnt do or let go because it was expedient in the situation and hard choices came first
eg work7life balance, sport, some personal interests, time with children and loved ones. Especially my health and physical fitness: I
am doing my best to get some of it back now but I feel so old and ugly and tired.

GrandDesespoir · 17/08/2017 00:53

Never having lived abroad.

Almost every relationship I've ever had.

acapellagirl · 17/08/2017 02:26

Not being more careful when things were good

HappyWombat · 17/08/2017 03:30

I regret not seeking help for mental health problems earlier. I am sure that my life would have taken a very different path had I got help early on rather than when I was pretty much at breaking point.

isshoes · 17/08/2017 03:35

Not having applied to Oxford/Cambridge when I was in sixth form. I was a straight A student and participated in lots of extra-curricular activities - music, drama, was a prefect etc. But I took the advice of the teacher assigned to advising students considering an Oxbridge application, who said that if I wasn't head girl or a county level sports player, I didn't really have a chance. Funnily enough, I don't regret not going to those universities - if I had, my life wouldn't have turned out as it has, and having seen a friend go through Cambridge, I really don't think I would have enjoyed it or fit in. But I regret not having even tried to apply.

ToesInWater · 17/08/2017 04:03

Not finishing a Masters in law. I have a number of post grad qualifications but I should have pushed through; too long ago, different country now (small baby, other children and a working away DH were my excuses at the time).

abigailgabble · 17/08/2017 04:15

i regret letting weeds grow in the garden of my previous relationship. we were v happy but got caugght up with life and stopped looking after it (well, i did). i didn't realise how good i had it (but do now I've hitched my wagon to someone an absolute wildcard I'm far less compatible with Sad. i don't regret our son but i do wonder sometimes if i hadn't fucked it with the previous Confused

Mum2OneTeen · 17/08/2017 04:31

Not having confidence

2017SoFarSoGood · 17/08/2017 05:35

Moving to the USA and leaving my family. I've made a great life and career, have an amazing DH, and am happy and appreciate how lucky I am. None of that would be true if i had not left, but still. I miss my sister and so many relatives who are all close and support each other. I can never have that.

Taking my DGSbon (long planned) vacation last year when my dearest friend was so sick. Day before we left she asked me to come stay with her. I said of course, when I get back. She died days after my return. I so regret that decision.

💐 to all of us. Life is so frickin hard sometimes.

Toadinthehole · 17/08/2017 05:41

Emigrating to NZ. I've been here for well over a decade now, have a good career, and I can't justify taking the family to the UK with all the upheaval that would entail.

But even after all this time I miss DPs and siblings. I've basically missed out on them and so have my DCs. I'm lonely and bored here in NZ.

EagledWingsofRefuge · 17/08/2017 07:24

I haven't caught up with the whole thread but girlonatraintoshite what on earth kind of thread is that regarding shagging FIL?! Sounds awful! Its definitely not me though, I don't even have a FIL and if DP and I ever married rest assured the thought would never even pass my mind to shag his father.

To all those who have been in abusive relationships, very unmumsnetty hugs to you. I too have been there and it is always a difficult and awful situation to be in. Well done to those who have left, it is never easy. To those who are still there, I really hope you find the help and support you need and deserve.

OP posts:
NikiBabe · 17/08/2017 07:45

Toadinthehole you dont know your family wouldn't be happier in the UK.

Life is too short to be lonely and miserabke

SunshineBearHug · 17/08/2017 08:07

I regret having children with a horrible man and ending up struggling as a single parent.

Neutrogena · 17/08/2017 08:10

I regret not sleeping around more. I've only slept with three people, all of whom were long-ish term relationships. I wish I'd fucked around a bit more.

Snap - should have not been as self-conscious and slept around much more

Toadinthehole · 17/08/2017 08:14

NikiBabe,

Thanks for your concern - really - but the truth is that we're all better off staying here. It would take a long time to explain why.

ButDoYouAvocado · 17/08/2017 08:15

Selling my london flat 20 years ago.

CarolsSecretCookieRecipe · 17/08/2017 08:19

I regret not tackling my mental health issues sooner (anxiety, low self esteem & depression). This has held me back and affected my life so much, from not going to university, not seeking promotion at work, staying in previous bad relationships for too long, never having the confidence to reach my potential.

ApuskiDoo · 17/08/2017 08:20

I wish I'd had another dc. But dh didn't want to.

In general I regret doing too much of what others want rather than myself. I find it much easier to live with my own decisions rather rhab when I've been too swayed by others.

IrritatedUser1960 · 17/08/2017 08:22

Marrying both my husbands neither of whom were worthy of me.

redexpat · 17/08/2017 08:23

I wish I had asked to go to a different ballet school instead of just dropping it altogether.
I wish I had taken politics instead of spanish in my first year at uni.
I wish I had made a move on one of my co counsellors at summer camp.

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