Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hit the next person who tells me I have double trouble

192 replies

Handsfull13 · 14/08/2017 14:50

I have twins - I prefer to say two babies. They are lovely and I'm so proud of myself for coping with them.
But why oh why does everything have to be a negative.
I'm sick of hearing 'you've got your hands full' and 'oh look double trouble'
You would never go up to someone with one child and tell them they have trouble. The same as you wouldn't say 'double trouble' to someone with two child of different ages so why is it perfectly acceptable to tell me I have 'double trouble'.
How can I respond to these comments without killing someone?

OP posts:
Spottytop1 · 15/08/2017 12:08

I had 2 young children close in age and had the same thing said to me.

I also have " you got your hands full" said to me regularly in regards to my disabled dc ,.. it's not an issue for me.. I don't see it as negative just a comment people make and I usually laugh and agree!

pinkstripeycat · 15/08/2017 12:16

No one used to say anything to me about my DCs when they were small and charging about, out of control, they'd just stare and stare and stare.

LOVE the post where the dad pretended there should have been 3 instead of 2! Grin

WaxOnFeckOff · 15/08/2017 12:17

Do people who don't like the term "the twins" think that everyone elses DC are referred to by their names? My two are always referred to as "the boys" but equally people say "the girls" or "the kids" etc to others. I can definitely appreciate you don't want them referred to as a single entity, but it does happen regardless if you have more than one child.

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/08/2017 12:18

Why are people so desperate to be offended. Fucking depressing.

RhubardGin · 15/08/2017 12:25

I have twins - I prefer to say two babies 🙄

OP, you're being precious and to be honest, clutching at straws for something to be offended about.

This a such a non issue.

Pennywhistle · 15/08/2017 12:27

Kingdom where does the OP say she's offended? She's irritated and bored by the thoughtless repetition she's not "offended".

What's "fucking depressing" is that when a no doubt sleep deprived new Mum comes on to MN for a wee moan about the thoughtless stuff people say when you have new babies you have posters replying with IMO needlessly harsh or aggressive responses.

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/08/2017 12:34

I don't think its thoughtless. I'm a new mum, not sure that's relevant to the point. There have been many of these threads lately and I do find them depressing, people are just trying to be nice and make conversation. You don't think she was 'offended' - I think that's a fair description of her reaction, whether she said it or not. It's just a general negative interpretation of people reaching out and trying to communicate and emphathise with fellow humans.

I apologise for swearing if that also offends.

GreenTulips · 15/08/2017 12:47

Imagine if you were only referred to as 'the couple' not Jane and Paul?

It's the same thing

Pennywhistle · 15/08/2017 12:48

She posted for a wee moan, a small vent about how annoying it is to get stopped multiple times a day and have people tell you that your beautiful children are "trouble" even if they are

She was looking for a bit of solidarity from other Mums to say "yes it is annoying, never mind it wears off as they get older" she didn't need people dismissing her (not unreasonable) feelings, telling her she's precious or implying, as someone did above, that twin Mums need to get over themselves.

I find that far more depressing personally.

I have twins, I remember walking through the supermarket and being stopped ten or twelve times on the way round to be told "double trouble, "twins - what a nightmare", "which is the bad one", "which is your favourite" or "are they real twins".

And no, none of these people meant to annoy or upset me, but when you are struggling with two borns, hearing the same negative or rude comments day after day is wearing.

I just think certain posters could have been been kinder and rather more empathetic to the OP.

WaxOnFeckOff · 15/08/2017 12:53

Imagine if you were only referred to as 'the couple' not Jane and Paul?

Yes it would be annoying, but the point is that being referred to in that way is not exclusive to twins, it applies to most cases when you have more than one child, it's also a cover up if you don't know or can't remember peoples DC's names.

If you forget a couples names, then you either hide or nod, smile and keep walking..... :o

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/08/2017 12:59

My comment could have been kinder and more empathetic, but I think people's thoughts could be so much kinder and more empathetic towards those trying to reach out to them. I love it when someone speaks to me when I'm out with the baby. If people are constantly worried about offending by what is to most people just a normal comment then they will stay silent instead and that's such a shame.

She may have been looking for people to agree it's annoying but most people don't think it's annoying. Just shows that annoyance wasn't meant so why take it as being a 'negative' comment.

Pennywhistle · 15/08/2017 13:10

Lots of the twin Mums who posted (but not all I grant you) do think it's annoying Kingdom.

It's lovely being stopped with your baby if people tell you they are beautiful, ask their names etc. That's nice.

It's not nice being grilled by strangers about the details of their conception or told that twins must be a "nightmare". It's not the same thing at all.

As for a lack of empathy, I wasn't specifically referring to your post but there are some fairly harsh posts further up thread.

Maryann1975 · 15/08/2017 13:29

I get that all the time, it's just I'm a childminder and being paid to look after the children, who aren't even siblings. I get asked if I've got a tv a lot too and also if I've figured out what's causing so many children. I got myself in a bit of a row with that one as I said I had so many children for the money and they thought I was a benefit claimer. That was quite amusing.

Mulberry72 · 15/08/2017 13:32

I have younger TDSis and they were trouble!

It's just a phrase, a saying, people are just making small talk. You are being very precious!

NotEnglish · 15/08/2017 13:42

I don't have twins but I took care regularly of a friends baby/toddler the same age as my firstborn when they were small.
Of course he cuddled with me, sat on my lap, I had them both in one buggy, etc so I can understand people assuming they were both mine. But even though I only heard the comments a few days a week and not EVERY day, I found them wearing.

"Are they twins" "No" "Oh, cute, are they identical?"
C'mon, I just told you they are NOT twins, how can they be identical?

"Boys or girls" "Boys" "Are they identical?"
My son was nearly hairless, blonde, blue-eyed, very light skinned, broad shouldered and very chubby.
My friends son had loads of dark curls, brown eyes, a darker skin tone and a very slender built, always on the verge of underweight.
The only thing they had in common was their height and age.
Still, I got asked every time if they were identical. Every time.

And of course the "natural" vs "Ivf" question.
Sometimes I answerd "one natural, one ivf" just to see the puzzled looks. Or if I was feeling snarky I'd ask back how they conceived their children.

Also every older person on the bus/in the supermarket/wherever who has twins in the family/neighbourhood obviously felt the need to share their story with me. It really got on my nerves but it also was quite sad often because in that generation there are a lot of dead twins. Of course I feel sorry for the surviving one, but I often did not now what to say and when they were old enough to understand it unsettled the kids to constantly hear of dead children from random people. I had loads of "Why did that womans brother die?" "Why do children die?" "Do many children die" "Will my sibling die as well?" "Will I die too before I get old?" conversations on public transport.

So OP, yes, it's probably a good idea to have some nice, some witty and some not so nice answers ready. And of course perfect the smile and nod thing.
But you definitely are NOT unreasonable to be annoyed by it!

thehousethatjillbuilt · 15/08/2017 13:43

As a twin mum who tries to avoid calling them the twins, in my case it's purely so my older son doesn't feel excluded. And a little bit because I don't want to be accused of thinking I'm "special".

I doubt many of the singleton mums have been asked by strangers how their child was conceived. I certainly wasn't with DS1. With my twins it's probably one of the most common questions.

People do say inappropriate things to twin mums. They also do inappropriate things - I've had a complete stranger fish a baby out of the seat in the shopping trolley in the supermarket.

Yes it's annoying. Everyone else telling you how he'd something is when you're the one living it is annoying. If you've never experienced it then that's fabulous, but it can get you down.

"Look at those gorgeous boys" is fine. "Aww, cute" is fine. The man who walked up behind me and said "54 years ago we had our twins, the best 54 years of my life. All the best to you" and then was gone was amazing.

"Double trouble", "were they conceived naturally?", "which one is the evil one", "rather you than me" and "I'd rather kill myself" are all best avoided.

thehousethatjillbuilt · 15/08/2017 13:44

*hard, not he'd

NotEnglish · 15/08/2017 13:48

And on a sadder note:
I used to read a greatt blog written by a mother who had quadruplets. One died as a baby and she wrote that the "Ohhhh you have TRIPLETS" comments sometimes really hurt her.

I think we really need to think about that the "small talk" can sometimes actually hurt people, especially with children because child loss is not that uncommon, (especially with twins/triplets/quadruplets.)

To the poster uptherad (sory, forgot your name): I'm really sorry for the loss of your little boy! And it really must be hard to hear the comments about "having everything you want"

Decaffstilltastesweird · 15/08/2017 13:55

Why are people so desperate to be offended. Fucking depressing

I have a theory about this^^, but I daren't say it on here, as I'd probably unintentionally offend someone!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/08/2017 13:56

Oh,go on decaf!

Decaffstilltastesweird · 15/08/2017 14:06

Nah dame, I definitely shouldn't. Maybe I'll start another thread about it .

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/08/2017 14:07

or you could make use of the PM facility

OuchLegoHurts · 15/08/2017 14:09

So NotEnglish do you suggest we just don't talk to each other? How the hell can someone avoid saying "triplets" in conversation with someone who has 3 babies out with them? The fact that the last had lost her fourth quad is tragic but how could ANYONE guess at that backstory when they simply admire her 3 babies? I absolutely agree that some people are professional offence takers these days

Freshprincess · 15/08/2017 14:10

Wax - i get annoyed by people who know mine who call them The Twins. Mine play for a sports team with two other not twin brothers. When the coach does the team sheet he puts
BRother 1's name
BRother 2's name
The Twins
He knows their names!

Or an aunt passing drinks to my two and their cousins. She said 'here's one for Cousin's name, here's one for cousin's name, and one for The Twins'.
She knows their names!
That's what gets my goat.

I've heard double trouble, which one is the bad twin so many times it doesn't even register anymore.

OuchLegoHurts · 15/08/2017 14:11

thehousethatJillbuilt not using the word 'twins' to refer to your twins is surely being a little over sensitive, no?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.