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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this wanky? Would you come?

565 replies

Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 09:17

Hi all,

DH's and my ten-year wedding anniversary is still a little way off yet, but I'm starting to think about putting on a low-key but "naice" event to celebrate with close friends and family (25 - 30 guests), and need to check that I'm not breaking any of the MN rules in relation to wedding-related party planning :)

What I'm thinking is to hire a room at the same venue where we got married (small Tudor hotel) and put on an afternoon tea (largely self-catered) and shitloads of prosecco event for mid-afternoon.

I wasn't thinking to do an evening event after, mainly as budget wouldn't stretch that far - though not sure what guests would make of this...? Most (but not all) guests live within an hour or two of the venue.

Am undecided on whether to do a formal renewal of vows. On the one hand it would give more of a sense of occasion to the day; on the other, I'm aware they can be seen by some as maybe a bit cheesy and self-congratulatory (am not saying they are at all!). I'm not particularly sold on renewing vows for its own sake though - another idea might be a couple of nice speeches to kick off proceedings instead?

We'd specify absolutely no presents, btw, and welcome / cater to the children in the family.

AIBU to wonder whether MNers would a) come and b) approve if invited by close friends or family to something like this...? Or would people be inwardly cringing into their scones and ruing lack of evening booze-up afterwards...?

Mumsnet feedback very welcome - thank you!!

OP posts:
Whiterabbitears · 14/08/2017 11:47

Yes I would come it sounds nice Smile I would also like to catch up with family especially those that don't live close by. Maybe don't do the vows though, that's a bit cringe, a few meaningful speeches is fine though.

PovertyPain · 14/08/2017 11:48

That sounds lovely Tatiana. I'm glad your uncle made it through the op. I'm sure it was very emotional.

AyeAyeFishyPie · 14/08/2017 11:48

the sarky comments in here are baffling. 'Call me when its 50?' Lol

Have a great time OP.

diddl · 14/08/2017 11:49

I think that it sounds great apart from the vow renewal.

I probably wouldn't travel too far for afternoon tea-although I've never been out for afternoon tea so that sounds great to me.

Lovely to see how kids have grown.

What's wrong with celebrating ten years if you want to?

People who don't want to celebrate with you can decline.

AztecHero · 14/08/2017 11:51

OMG! I never thought it meant someone had had an affair!

My parents renewed theirs, after 40 odd years. But that was because when they got married they did not have it in a church because DF was Jewish and DM Christian, and then over time mum converted to Judaism so they decided to do it with a rabbi.

DH and I renewed (in a church) because it felt like an affirmation that we had come through together after several desperately rough years, and it was so delightful to have our 5 year old there. (When our vicar said the words; 'let us pray' our 5 year old started singing 'Happy Birthday' at the top of his voice!)

Basically we renewed because it meant something to us.

I'm giggling at the idea people might have thought one of us had been unfaithful!

UntilTheCowsComeHome · 14/08/2017 11:51

I don't think I'd travel that far for an afternoon do. You'd always be looking at the clock thinking about getting back home, one of you couldn't drink and the kids would be fed up.

Make it an afternoon in to evening, local, casual thing and I'd be there.

Howlongtillbedtime · 14/08/2017 11:52

I would come but I love a party and seeing all my family . As do most people but they don't seem to be on mumsnet.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 11:53

You'd always be looking at the clock thinking about getting back home, one of you couldn't drink and the kids would be fed up

You might be, doesn't mean others would. Why would the kids be fed up?

Hygge · 14/08/2017 11:54

thekillers - "Renewal of vows= one of us has had an affair"

The OP and so many other people on this thread have posted reasons why it's important to them, and none of those reasons is because anybody had an affair.

Even if the reason is "it's ten years on, there are new people in our life that were not at our wedding (children, new friends, etc) that we would like to share this with because they were not with us then but are important to us now" then that's a good reason.

Maybe it still wouldn't mean as much to anyone else as the couple doing it, but if they care enough to invite you maybe you care enough to indulge them.

AztecHero · 14/08/2017 11:58

Exactly Hygge.

I hate to think people we loved enough to invite were thinking such mean-spirited things about us. I'm not going to second guess anyone else's thoughts about our party though, we had a fabulous time. :)

Birdsgottaf1y · 14/08/2017 11:59

"My family are the type to get together for any excuse."

Then plan around your Family and Friends.

My group is the same, we'd be happy with this, if bring-your-own-booze was possible.

As said, MN isn't reflective of anyone i've ever met, in regards to celebrating and socialising. I don't understand why adults find anything cringey when it comes to having a laugh/drink together.

Don't do the vow renewal, unless you both really want to.

It's just about deciding who will be coming and catering for them. Things like a Character entertainer if their will be a lot of children. Bouncy castle/fresh popcorn, chocolate fountain (all the things a lot of MN'ers hate), but everyone has a good time at.

Would you have to clean up afterwards? Will you follow on a pub?Will some people be able to go back to yours?

The idea is great, just tweak how it will all happen.

stumblymonkeyagain · 14/08/2017 12:01

Meh...I'd probably go as I love a party for any reason, I'd go to the opening of an envelope for free food and booze BUT...

Anniversaries are only really important to the couple, no-one else gives a shit to be blunt. The exception being when you've made it to a genuinely astounding anniversary like 50 years or possibly if you'd had the shittest of shit times (terminal illness or close to, etc) that you'd had to make it through to get to 10 years.

DonkeyOil · 14/08/2017 12:02

wouldn't call finger sandwiches, a cake and a scone with prosecco a slap up afternoon tea.

Of course in the circles you move it may be considered slap up

Shock

This wins the prize for 'Bitchiest Put-down of the Thread' Grin

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:05

Anniversaries are only really important to the couple, no-one else gives a shit to be blunt

Birthdays are only important to the person having them, but we celebrate those. Why is "yay you're still happily married" any less worthy than "yay you didn;t die since your last birthday"?

Hygge · 14/08/2017 12:06

howlongtilbedtime - "I would come but I love a party and seeing all my family . As do most people but they don't seem to be on mumsnet."

I think the saying is "every party needs a pooper, that's what we invited you for" so perhaps it serves a purpose all the same Grin

NewPapaGuinea · 14/08/2017 12:11

Personally, I wouldn't celebrate 10 years. I'd choose to use that money and go away for a nice weekend instead. Silver wedding (25 years) would be the first one I'd consider a party for.

Roussette · 14/08/2017 12:15

I never even bothered with my 25th! I'm a bit odd in that I think it would be tempting fate to celebrate it with loads of people, and then the next thing is, we split up!

We had a lovely holiday at 30 years but no one knew that's why we had the lovely holiday, it's a private thing for me

AztecHero · 14/08/2017 12:15

I sort of think 'why wait for a party?' DH and I are unlikely to make 25 years for the simple fact that he has some chronic health issues that makes it very unlikely, even if we get very lucky.

And no-one knows what will happen. Why not celebrate the ''now'' ? (I'm not that great at doing this in real life though)

BuzzKillington · 14/08/2017 12:17

Sounds a v bit ott to me, sorry.

And I simply don't get vow renewals - they don't even expire and need renewing!

AztecHero · 14/08/2017 12:17

See, now I am wondering... is this a British thing? Be humble, don't stand out, don't think anything is special and something to brag about (10 years ) etc.

colacolaaddict · 14/08/2017 12:19

The only thing that's slightly offputting IMO is the 're-creating the wedding' vibe. Whether with vow renewal or kicking it off with speeches, with the hotel setting and you worrying about whether people will expect an evening 'do' too it it sounding (sorry) a little bit weddingy.

As Senua said, just make it a party/celebration. Like a birthday party, at some point mid-flow, stand up and say how fab each other are and thank you everyone for coming.

Btw my parents had a big informal garden party for their 25th and said no presents please. They got 30 plants/bunches of flowers. Stock up on vases!!

altiara · 14/08/2017 12:20

I'd go, I love afternoon tea and would be happy to drive there and celebrate, wouldn't need to drink shed loads of prosecco mid afternoon as I'd just fall asleep.
I'd make more effort to go if it was a specific celebration, I would be a bit confused at the 10 year celebration but surely your friends and family won't be as they know what you've been through and that you want to host a get together.
I think it's a great idea and would happily take my kids who would love seeing the other kids in the family, they'd no doubt eat at top speed all of the cakes on offer and then want to run around outside so I'd cross my fingers that the venue could handle this.
A 2 hour drive, i'd have to decide how we could make this into a bit of a day trip. But it'd be worse just driving up for an evening in my opinion as that's when people would be drinking a lot.

IHateUncleJamie · 14/08/2017 12:20

No, it's not wanky.

Yes, if anyone in my close family was doing it, I would definitely go.

I wouldn't host it myself (and every time I think of vow renewal I see Pete & Dawn from Gavin and Stacey Grin BUT to be fair both DH and I are very introverted.

We did celebrate our 10th btw; we went to Venice for a few days and it was wonderful. ❤️

But if you enjoy hosting parties, go for it! ☺️

ExConstance · 14/08/2017 12:22

I'd go if it was someone in my family. We tend to gather for special birthdays or if our Canadian relations are visiting for a buffet tea and an afternoon reminiscing at a pub near us that we all enjoy going to. it will be good for your friends and relations to meet up, a nice gesture and I'm sure they will enjoy it. Don't bother with the vows bit, as someone else has said it tends to indicate a near break up at some point not too long ago!

NewPapaGuinea · 14/08/2017 12:23

Thinking about it a little more, perhaps I'd use it as an opportunity as a kind of reunion. Would be fun to see how people's lives have changed over the last decade if there are lots of new kids etc, but would be a very informal garden BBQ type thing.

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