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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wanky? Would you come?

565 replies

Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 09:17

Hi all,

DH's and my ten-year wedding anniversary is still a little way off yet, but I'm starting to think about putting on a low-key but "naice" event to celebrate with close friends and family (25 - 30 guests), and need to check that I'm not breaking any of the MN rules in relation to wedding-related party planning :)

What I'm thinking is to hire a room at the same venue where we got married (small Tudor hotel) and put on an afternoon tea (largely self-catered) and shitloads of prosecco event for mid-afternoon.

I wasn't thinking to do an evening event after, mainly as budget wouldn't stretch that far - though not sure what guests would make of this...? Most (but not all) guests live within an hour or two of the venue.

Am undecided on whether to do a formal renewal of vows. On the one hand it would give more of a sense of occasion to the day; on the other, I'm aware they can be seen by some as maybe a bit cheesy and self-congratulatory (am not saying they are at all!). I'm not particularly sold on renewing vows for its own sake though - another idea might be a couple of nice speeches to kick off proceedings instead?

We'd specify absolutely no presents, btw, and welcome / cater to the children in the family.

AIBU to wonder whether MNers would a) come and b) approve if invited by close friends or family to something like this...? Or would people be inwardly cringing into their scones and ruing lack of evening booze-up afterwards...?

Mumsnet feedback very welcome - thank you!!

OP posts:
Orangetoffee · 14/08/2017 11:27

I would think that a party is a lovely idea, not sure about the vows renewal but each to their own.

montenana · 14/08/2017 11:28

If you want to host a family friends get together, then do! What you describe sounds nice. however i would bill it as just that rather than your ten year anniversary as from what you've said that's not really the motivation. It's been ten years since your wedding, so ten years since you've hosted your family & friends and thought it would be a nice thing to do. Go for it.

Wilburissomepig · 14/08/2017 11:29

If you were my friend and it was important to you, especially having been through the wringer, then of course I would come.

ZippyCameBack · 14/08/2017 11:31

Assuming that I liked the couple, I'd love this kind of thing. I don't drink so I wouldn't care about prosecco, but I love an afternoon tea, and the chance to catch up with people I haven't seen for a while. It sounds lovely.

Jaxhog · 14/08/2017 11:31

These days, sadly, 10 years is a long time for a marriage. So, yes I like the idea.

We celebrated 25 years by taking our favourite 25 people to a hotel for the weekend with activities, music and a party. We didn't renew vows, but read out a little poem to each other at dinner.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2017 11:32

I don't think I would care whether the anniversary was big enough to warrant a party. I'd just think 'free party' (if local) and go for some Prosecco.

Hygge · 14/08/2017 11:32

I don''t know why people wouldn't come if it included a renewal of vows.

That would seem to be one of the points of having that type of party to me. Not that I'm a big enthusiast of vows and speeches, but it wouldn't put me off. It feels a bit odd to say "Well I'd come for the free sandwiches and wine but I'm not listening to you make a speech." I don't get why ten years is too short a time to have a big anniversary party either. Or why it's upsetting to divorced people. I've been to christenings and naming parties and children's birthday parties since I lost my babies, why can't divorced people go to weddings and anniversary parties?

An afternoon tea party sounds great to me. You get to see everybody, the family gets together, but still get home in time to get your pyjamas on and laze about in front of the TV. Perhaps with a bottle of the prosecco you might not have been able to drink at the party if you were driving.

We recently drove a 200 mile round trip to go to a child's first birthday party that lasted three hours. We got to see people we haven't seen in far too long, for reasons I won't go into it meant a lot to the new parents to have us all there, we had fun. If you were my relative I would be at your party. And I am quite anti-social but even so, ten years, family party, buffet food. I'd be there.

BikeRunSki · 14/08/2017 11:33

Is the 10th wedding anniversary really a thing?

Dammnation, another party I've missed out on.

PovertyPain · 14/08/2017 11:34

My husband and I renewed our wedding vows, though I prefer the term reaffirmation. We did it in front of sixty very close friends and family, because he was terminally ill and we weren't going to reach our 25th anniversary. Heather had an affair and we had a wonderful marriage. Anyone that didn't like it can go fuck themselves.

It's your anniversary, OP, do whatever makes you happy. I think it depends a lot on wether you have the type of friends and family that enjoy a get together, so like a good excuse for a do.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 14/08/2017 11:34

Bugger me.
If I have to leave divorced people off my invite list, that's half the guests gone including my three closest friends!

PovertyPain · 14/08/2017 11:35

Neither not Heather

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 11:36

Does it matter what the party is for? To my mind it's a get together of family and friends with nice food and wine. I don't really care if its for your dogs cousins half birthday, tbh, I'd go if I felt like a party and I wouldn't go if I didn't or was busy.
I don't understand the "Oh I'd go if it was your birthday but not for your anniversary" stuff. Very judgey.

AndTodayIAm · 14/08/2017 11:36

It sounds lovely and not wanky. It's just a family party. I love afternoon tea.

Are you having speeches? (I wouldn't)

ShellyBoobs · 14/08/2017 11:36

Sounds wanky to me. If it was 50th anniversary it would be different.

However, if your family are the type who love a party (it sounds like they, which is great) then go for it!

It doesn't really matter what strangers think.

Zimmerzammerbangbang · 14/08/2017 11:36

A (close) family member recently mentioned having a party to celebrate their ten year anniversary (next year, which also happens to be my 10 year anniversary) and I was slightly surprised, mainly because it was phrased as if we would have to come (and this would mean flights) and I didn't really think 10 years was a big deal to anyone but the couple.

That said, if invited to what you're suggesting and I was local of course I'd come and be happy about it. Not sure I'd want to travel two hours each way though. That said, what you're proposing sounds like you're making it a Big Thing and I might raise an eyebrow. A BBQ in a pub garden somewhere (or something similar) would be more low key and less eyebrow waiving for me (but then it depends how common such an afternoon tea thing would be within your social circle/family).

Personally, I plan on going away for our 10th!

TatianaLarina · 14/08/2017 11:37

If you were my friend of course I'd come.

I couldn't be arsed with renewing vows tho, that's just boring for everyone.

Personally I'd like some decent tea as well as wine - earl grey, lapsang, and herbal for those who don't drink caffeine.

TatianaLarina · 14/08/2017 11:39

Renewing vows is fine if there's a special reason for it. My aunt and uncle did it after 40 years of marriage and he'd just had a major operation and nearly died etc.

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/08/2017 11:42

Friends of ours renewed their vows on their 10th anniversary a couple of years back. It was beautiful and we all had a cracking time at the party.

It doesn't sound wanky at all.

MerlinsLeftButtock · 14/08/2017 11:42

I was invited to a vow renewal recently. By a couple I barely know. It was a whole weekend thing. I cringed at the very thought. And didn't go ....

But, saying that, if it's just a party to celebrate ten years together, with actual close friends and family, then yeah, I'd go. And as I'm currently pregnant, I'd be glad of the tea and scones because I am sick of being the only sober person at a party! 😂

KentMum2008 · 14/08/2017 11:43

I hate that renewing vows is seen as something that's only done when someone has had an affair. My parents renewed their vows on their 40th anniversary, DDad was terminally ill and it was a beautiful, if very sad, day. To them it was about reaffirming their love, and the promises they made to each other when they were only 19, with friends and family who weren't around to see it the first time (myself and my sisters, and our children)
Neither of them had affairs and they had 40 wonderful, happy years together. Why shouldn't they take a day to remind themselves and everyone else of how important and precious that is?

I think the party is a lovely idea. I don't know about you OP, but our extended family only ever seems to see each other at funerals these days, so we love any happy excuse for a party!

Roussette · 14/08/2017 11:43

If you want to throw a 'do', just do it! But labelling it as a 10 year anniversary party is a bit... self indulgent... sorry don't mean to be rude but to me it's odd! (and this comes from someone who's been married three times that length!)

My friends and family haven't a clue when my anniversary is! They know the season but wouldn't know when the date is. And that's just the way I like it. Because I don't know theirs either! I might remember the sun was shining on the day so that means it was summer but that's it

I think wedding anniversaries are for the couple concerned and no one else. But of course I would go to a family party.

PuppyMonkey · 14/08/2017 11:45

Sounds a bit on the wanky side but I'd probably still come, love a good party. Grin

Roussette · 14/08/2017 11:46

mangomay that sounds a really good reason for a get together. But I do think a 10 year anniversary party is a bit different to a 40 year one!

We threw a family party for parents after 60 years but really it was just an excuse to get together, and they loved having family round them.

10 years is a bit strange I think.

thekillers · 14/08/2017 11:46

Renewal of vows= one of us has had an affair

sofato5miles · 14/08/2017 11:47

Well done on reaching 10 years but call me when it's 50, are my thoughts.