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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wanky? Would you come?

565 replies

Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 09:17

Hi all,

DH's and my ten-year wedding anniversary is still a little way off yet, but I'm starting to think about putting on a low-key but "naice" event to celebrate with close friends and family (25 - 30 guests), and need to check that I'm not breaking any of the MN rules in relation to wedding-related party planning :)

What I'm thinking is to hire a room at the same venue where we got married (small Tudor hotel) and put on an afternoon tea (largely self-catered) and shitloads of prosecco event for mid-afternoon.

I wasn't thinking to do an evening event after, mainly as budget wouldn't stretch that far - though not sure what guests would make of this...? Most (but not all) guests live within an hour or two of the venue.

Am undecided on whether to do a formal renewal of vows. On the one hand it would give more of a sense of occasion to the day; on the other, I'm aware they can be seen by some as maybe a bit cheesy and self-congratulatory (am not saying they are at all!). I'm not particularly sold on renewing vows for its own sake though - another idea might be a couple of nice speeches to kick off proceedings instead?

We'd specify absolutely no presents, btw, and welcome / cater to the children in the family.

AIBU to wonder whether MNers would a) come and b) approve if invited by close friends or family to something like this...? Or would people be inwardly cringing into their scones and ruing lack of evening booze-up afterwards...?

Mumsnet feedback very welcome - thank you!!

OP posts:
Taytocrisps · 14/08/2017 10:47

If I was a close friend or family member, I'd be happy to meet up with you and celebrate your 10th wedding anniversary. I don't have a suspicious mind and it wouldn't occur to me that either of you had cheated on the other. If it involved travelling to get there, I'd prefer something more substantial than an afternoon tea - a nice lunch or dinner. If your guests have to drive, they might not be able to indulge in the prosecco. Although that would apply if you were having lunch also. I wouldn't want to sit through any speeches (they're bad enough first time around) but I'd enjoy looking through the photos.

Brittbugs80 · 14/08/2017 10:49

Depends on the type of Afternoon Tea. Some can be very grand, big affairs and cost £££s Sandwiches are not the same as Afternoon Tea, as I am sure you are actually aware anyway

Very aware, forgive me and I will rephrase it.

I wouldn't call finger sandwiches, a cake and a scone with prosecco a slap up afternoon tea.

Of course in the circles you move it may be considered slap up but this doesn't make it correct across the board.

pasturesgreen · 14/08/2017 10:50

Sorry OP, no way I'd travel two hours each way to come to a 10th anniversary party.

As others have said, it's difficult to get excited about other people's wedding anniversaries. And a renewal of vows would definitely make me wonder who cheated.

GinIsIn · 14/08/2017 10:52

Honestly? I would be a bit surprised to receive an invitation to a 10 year anniversary at all - it's not a desperately long time in the scheme of things. Would it not be better to save the money and do something really lovely just the two of you?

JanetLeCarre · 14/08/2017 10:53

I'd go if it was local - love a party and I think it's important to celebrate milestones.

A speech or two would go down well but vow renewal - no!! I'd wonder which one of you had had the affair.

NannyRed · 14/08/2017 10:53

Yes I'd come. I love any family celebrations, I agree that renewal of vows always makes me think one of the couple has cheated and it is toe curling but I'd enjoy afternoon tea and I'd hope that an impromptu evening event took place too.

BertrandRussell · 14/08/2017 10:54

"Sorry OP, no way I'd travel two hours each way to come to a 10th anniversary party."

Well, presumably if you liked the idea of sounding some time with family and friends you would. Why does the occasion make a difference?

Bemusedandpuzzled · 14/08/2017 10:55

Only on Mumsnet can a thread about scones become a points-scoring game of class oneupmanship.

LoniceraJaponica · 14/08/2017 10:57

It sounds nice, but I would be offering more tea than Prosecco if the majority of guests will be driving. I think the idea of having it nearer to where most people live is a better idea as people who might make the effort of a 2 hour drive for a wedding might not for an afternoon tea.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Monr0e · 14/08/2017 10:58

I would have no problem at all with an invitation to a 10th wedding anniversary and wouldn't think it strange to want to celebrate it.

I wouldn't however do a 2-4 hour round trip in one day for an afternoon tea and shit loads of prosseco that I couldn't drink because I was driving. Definitely consider somewhere more local so that more people have the option to attend and celebrate with you.

Brittbugs80 · 14/08/2017 10:58

Oh sod off, Brittbugs, you're just being argumentative. You know very well afternoon tea means more than sandwiches, and even if you didn't, the OP has since given more detail on what she's planning on serving

Oh do fuck off. It was hardly argumentative.

museumum · 14/08/2017 11:01

love prosecco and afternoon tea. if i liked all the other guests i'd go for a catch up.

i find vow renewals really odd though. it's like standing up and somebody saying 'so, you've been together a while now, are you sure one of you wouldn't like to change your mind?' 'no?' 'your still sure?' ok, that's nice.

Notknownatthisaddress · 14/08/2017 11:01

@BertrandRussell

I think mumsnetters are generally incredibly anti social. I don't know anyone in real life who would turn down a lovely tea party with friends and family. I would certainly go, and actually be quite pleased it was just a afternoon thing.

I probably wouldn't do the vow-renewal thing, but only because I think they are a bit common tacky. A very brief speech thanking everyone for coming and a toast to family and friends would be nice. It sounds lovely. Go for it. Ignore the Mumsnet grumpiness.

This. ^

I think it's a lovely idea, and some people on here ARE being miserable and grumpy!

@TwitterQueen1

No, I wouldn't go. As others have said, other people's anniversaries are of no interest to me and 10 years is a bit ... meh. And for anyone who is divorced it could be a bit uncomfortable.

WTF! Confused

If every couple excluded every divorced person from any celebration they were having, they would be discounting half their circle of friends and colleagues (and some of their family!) Confused

Although I do agree with the posters, that the wedding vows could be just you and DH and the party after for everyone else.

Also, I would have it closer, and not 2 hours away. Apart from that, I would say definitely yes. Sounds lovely. Smile I think the people being nasty about it (not just saying they wouldn't be interested, but actually being nasty, rude, and sarcy!) are a bit jealous.

And the rant from @AlmostAJillSandwich (on page 6,) about how you would sound REALLY PRESUMPTIOUS AND RUDE if you say 'no need to buy gifts please,' just leaves me dumbfounded. Fuck me. People can't say anything right in the eyes of some on here! Hmm

Minkyfluffster · 14/08/2017 11:03

I would come, sounds lovely, crack on.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 14/08/2017 11:05

Op even if you don't have children you can still throw a Christmas party, Halloween party, birthday parties for both you etc, so please don't feel that if you don't throw anniversary parties you dont have any reason to host a gathering!

LadyOfTheCanyon · 14/08/2017 11:06

I would probably do an (internal) eye roll at the renewal of vows personally, but if you want a party, have a party!
People will come if they want to see you (i.e family and close friends) but more distant friends might swerve it on the basis that the more 'formal' an event it is, the more boring. But then I can't stand weddings/speeches/first dances and all that jazz even when its my own family

FindoGask · 14/08/2017 11:07

10 years feels more of a personal milestone for the couple in question than a reason to plan a big event to mark the occasion. It's not something I've encountered so far anyway.

However if you were pals of mine of course I'd come along to celebrate if it was important to you, if it wasn't too much hassle and expense.

noeffingidea · 14/08/2017 11:13

I probably wouldn't be that bothered about going. Wedding aniversaries are really just about the 2 people concerned, IMO.
I have been to a few silver wedding celebrations, but they were evening parties which are different.

Chewbecca · 14/08/2017 11:13

Renewal of vows is a bit of a no no (just unnecessary, they are vows and don't need repeating) but a party would be lovely.

The one bit that confuses me or might make it tricky is that people live 1-2 hours away but there is going to be loads of prosecco, so I would be confused whether to drive and go home after the do (so no prosecco) or whether to book a hotel, in which case, how do we spend the evening?

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 11:13

I think mumsnetters are generally incredibly anti social. I don't know anyone in real life who would turn down a lovely tea party with friends and family. I would certainly go, and actually be quite pleased it was just a afternoon thing

This, exactly (except I would be rounding up those people who wanted to go on and keep partying elsewhere afterwards Grin)

DancesWithOtters · 14/08/2017 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 14/08/2017 11:16

Ps I would think it odd, only because I've got a lot of friends and family who have been married for over 10 years and literally none of them have had any sort of party to celebrate it, so I would think it a bit strange. However if it was your birthday and you organized an afternoon tea party I wouldn't think that at all odd, so why not just do it for your birthday? But as others have said in a location that's more local so guests can enjoy the prosecco.

Mittens1969 · 14/08/2017 11:22

I think I'd accept the invitation, it sounds like it's going to be a nice occasion. But the renewal of your vows thing seems a bit odd after only 10 years. I think I would wonder if your marriage had been in serious trouble, I can't really think of another reason to renew your vows after 10 years, 50 years I would understand.

SapphireStrange · 14/08/2017 11:23

Brittbugs, no, it definitely was, as is your obsession with shooting down the use of the term 'slap-up'.

corrianderisevil · 14/08/2017 11:24

I'd definitely attend if invited as it's about you wanting your nearest and dearest there, screw what anyone else thinks. I think it sounds lovely, although renewing of vows to me is a tad naff. Maybe a nice speech and then you ask guests to enjoy the afternoon and be merry and jobs a good' un. Congrats btw

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