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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wanky? Would you come?

565 replies

Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 09:17

Hi all,

DH's and my ten-year wedding anniversary is still a little way off yet, but I'm starting to think about putting on a low-key but "naice" event to celebrate with close friends and family (25 - 30 guests), and need to check that I'm not breaking any of the MN rules in relation to wedding-related party planning :)

What I'm thinking is to hire a room at the same venue where we got married (small Tudor hotel) and put on an afternoon tea (largely self-catered) and shitloads of prosecco event for mid-afternoon.

I wasn't thinking to do an evening event after, mainly as budget wouldn't stretch that far - though not sure what guests would make of this...? Most (but not all) guests live within an hour or two of the venue.

Am undecided on whether to do a formal renewal of vows. On the one hand it would give more of a sense of occasion to the day; on the other, I'm aware they can be seen by some as maybe a bit cheesy and self-congratulatory (am not saying they are at all!). I'm not particularly sold on renewing vows for its own sake though - another idea might be a couple of nice speeches to kick off proceedings instead?

We'd specify absolutely no presents, btw, and welcome / cater to the children in the family.

AIBU to wonder whether MNers would a) come and b) approve if invited by close friends or family to something like this...? Or would people be inwardly cringing into their scones and ruing lack of evening booze-up afterwards...?

Mumsnet feedback very welcome - thank you!!

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 14/08/2017 10:19

Renew vows privately, throw the afternoon tea/party then go for a romantic meal just the two of you afterwards and celebrate the fact that you can go to bed when you want and not have to worry about any potential drunken friends or family in the evening.

squishysquirmy · 14/08/2017 10:19

I'd go, and I wouldn't think it weird just because its only 10 years! Its a party, a good way to bring together family and friends who are rarely all in the same room, most of the guests live locally and you're providing booze. What's not to love?
Agree that renewing vows might be a bit unnecessary (and cringy).
Like pp's say, check the venue allows own catering and byob (without corkage).

SuburbanRhonda · 14/08/2017 10:20

OP I don't think MN is really representative of the general population... think about it, all of us on here playing on the computer with virtual friends. Not exactly the demographic that loves parties!

I'm on here because it's the morning and I'm in hospital waiting to have stitches taken out Hmm

BertrandRussell · 14/08/2017 10:20

"AmyGardner - do you really see a party invite as a summons?"

Please don't tell me the latest Mumsnet thing is to be offended by an invitation to a party! I have learned that phoning or texting someone is an unwarranted intrusion, and that knocking on someone's door is practically the same as burgling them, but a party invitation in the post? Really????????

junglebookisthebest · 14/08/2017 10:20

I like the idea of a party - but the wanky bit is the speeches and/or renewal of vows and putting the focus on it being an anniversary party.
A family member of ours recently put on a party - it was lovely. We did speculate privately if it was an anniversary but it was nicely done as just a family party.
But that's our family - do what works in your family...

Original poster
Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 10:23

I had thought of having some separate activity for the kids on the day - plus things like child friendly platters, party bags etc. I could liaise with the mums and dads as to what might work here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 10:24

Bouncy castle maybe :)

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 14/08/2017 10:24

Posh afternoon tea at original venue- lovely.
No gifts - excellent.

I wouldnt do vow renewal but a short speech from each of you saying that you have loved the last ten years would be great .

If it's only 30 people I'm assuming they are close fam and friends

LittleMatchGirl · 14/08/2017 10:25

Go for it! I love a party! Blush

I do have to agree though, that if you renew your wedding vows, people may wonder which one of you has cheated. Although, me and DH renewed our vows at 10 years, and neither of us had cheated. It just felt right at the time, as we had been through a lot together, and had come out the other side (financial problems and family bereavements and job loss etc,) and a 10 year celebration with renewing our vows and a little do after seemed apt at the time.

I know it's not a massive amount of years together, but when you have been married 10 years, (maybe together for 13 to 15 years or more,) it does seem like you have been together a long time (at the time.)

Why NOT have a party? I would. Smile

AlmostAJillSandwich · 14/08/2017 10:25

Honestly, i think ten years is too soon. Anything but the "big" ones (25,50 etc) arent really seen as big deals to anyone else. My aunt had a vow renewal like a ful on second wedding for their 25th which was nice, but my cousin did the same for their 15th which just seemed odd.

What sticks out to me is where you said "we would specify absolutely no presents" which comes across really bloody cheeky that you assumed anyone would think of buying one anyway! Its an anniversary not your actual wedding, getting an anniversary/vow renewal invite with any mention of gifts at all would sound REALLY presumptious and rude to me.
I went to my aunts 25th because i was 7 and a bridesmaid, i didnt go to my cousins 15th in my mid 20s.

Cutesbabasmummy · 14/08/2017 10:27

Well I think it sounds lovely. Marriage is definitely something to be celebrated! I'm quite surprised by some of the rude reactions on here! Have the party!

LarkDescending · 14/08/2017 10:27

I think the "wedding hotel" idea sounds a bit OTT, but the more informal revised plan sounds great. I've been to lovely 10th anniversary parties, generally involving an informal gathering at the couple's home if space permits. It has never crossed my mind to scrutinise whether they had good enough reason to throw a party! But then I am one of those who will go to the opening of an envelope if it involves a convivial day/evening with friends and/or family - happy to celebrate any occasion or none Smile

AztecHero · 14/08/2017 10:28

We did almost exactly this for our 10th wedding anniversary.

We also renewed our vows. The reason was that on our actual wedding I had never met most of DH's friends or family before, and had no-one present from 'my side' except for my parents. Long story associated with all of that, but mainly due to distances involved and ilnesses etc.

In the years until our 10th we had gone through loads of issues ... dreadful PND (mine) , alcoholism (mine) recovery(mine) , cancer (DH), miscarriages, deaths of parents, job losses, etc etc etc. We got through it and decided that we would have a party to celebrate... life, love, family and friends that I now had, etc. We had the party at the same venue, and as far as I know people enjoyed it and did not find it wanky. TBH, I think life is filled with pain and struggle- why not have a party if you want one!

Alanna1 · 14/08/2017 10:29

Sounds fun to me! I've been to some lovely 10 year anniversary parties.

ShoesHaveSouls · 14/08/2017 10:29

I would attend any party with prosecco, sandwiches and cakes.

Also, if these are family and friends who you regularly socialise with - what the problem? My family are the 'any excuse for a party' type - it's great.

Renewal of vows has alway struck me as strange though - it's like, didn't you mean it the first time, then? Grin I always think there's been an affair when people renew their vows.

SapphireStrange · 14/08/2017 10:31

Oh sod off, Brittbugs, you're just being argumentative. You know very well afternoon tea means more than sandwiches, and even if you didn't, the OP has since given more detail on what she's planning on serving.

Katinkka · 14/08/2017 10:31

I would go if invited. It sounds nice.

Lelloteddy · 14/08/2017 10:32

It wouldn't occur to me NOT to buy a present for an occasion like this.

And yes to the absolute HORROR of receiving an INVITATION BY POST. Enough to send the average MNer screaming for the smelling salts.

BillBrysonsBeard · 14/08/2017 10:32

I would just want to do something with DH, not anyone else! Never heard of this at all. Though saying that, it's free booze and food so I would come if invited Grin

WomblingThree · 14/08/2017 10:34

BertrandRussell it has nothing to do with being antisocial. The OP asked a question and people gave their opinions (which is the point of a discussion board after all).

Original poster
Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 10:38

All opinions welcome! Snarky comments on sandwiches less so, but hey it's AIBU... Grin

OP posts:
pictish · 14/08/2017 10:39

You sound dead keen so I think you should do it. You'll know the way to approach it because you know your people.
Have a great day when it comes. x

ShatnersWig · 14/08/2017 10:41

Having now ceased laughing at the title, I tend to think parties for wedding anniversaries are for the really big deals - 40, 50, 60, 70 years. Because that's a real achievement, especially when half of all marriages now end in divorce. Anything less, it's an occasion for the two partners.

If you want a party, throw a party just because you want to spend time with family and friends.

Also agree with others that renewal of wedding vows is an odd thing. Half the guests would think someone has done something.

fannyanddick · 14/08/2017 10:42

Gosh lots of grumpy boots on this thread. It sounds lovely. Any excuse to have a party and catch up with friends is a good one and to celebrate marriage and love is fabulous. Marriage is personal but also brings the families together and the best marriages I'm sure usually benefit from lots of support from friends.

ParadiseCity · 14/08/2017 10:43

I would enjoy a party with nice people and prosecco if I didn't have to drive or book a hotel and it didn't mean kids missing their usual weekend sports clubs.

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