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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wanky? Would you come?

565 replies

Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 09:17

Hi all,

DH's and my ten-year wedding anniversary is still a little way off yet, but I'm starting to think about putting on a low-key but "naice" event to celebrate with close friends and family (25 - 30 guests), and need to check that I'm not breaking any of the MN rules in relation to wedding-related party planning :)

What I'm thinking is to hire a room at the same venue where we got married (small Tudor hotel) and put on an afternoon tea (largely self-catered) and shitloads of prosecco event for mid-afternoon.

I wasn't thinking to do an evening event after, mainly as budget wouldn't stretch that far - though not sure what guests would make of this...? Most (but not all) guests live within an hour or two of the venue.

Am undecided on whether to do a formal renewal of vows. On the one hand it would give more of a sense of occasion to the day; on the other, I'm aware they can be seen by some as maybe a bit cheesy and self-congratulatory (am not saying they are at all!). I'm not particularly sold on renewing vows for its own sake though - another idea might be a couple of nice speeches to kick off proceedings instead?

We'd specify absolutely no presents, btw, and welcome / cater to the children in the family.

AIBU to wonder whether MNers would a) come and b) approve if invited by close friends or family to something like this...? Or would people be inwardly cringing into their scones and ruing lack of evening booze-up afterwards...?

Mumsnet feedback very welcome - thank you!!

OP posts:
Madeyemoodysmum · 14/08/2017 21:29

It sounds nice for later but ten years isn't that special to others. Most I've heard of are at least 25 years. I'd assume yr after gifts and not go. Cynical!

NinonDeLenclos · 14/08/2017 21:30

It's very odd. I find that people who are bad at socialising get angry and defensive when invited to things, they find it stressful and look for reasons not to go, for why the host is being unreasonable etc.

In this case the excuse is they haven't been married long enough.

NinonDeLenclos · 14/08/2017 21:31

^^That was a response to:

No, people seem to be reacting to an invite like it is an insult in some way

AztecHero · 14/08/2017 21:37

Madeye and everyone else who says 10 years isn't long enough....I and others explained upthread why our marriages are unlikely to last to 25 years...chronic ill health, etc.

TBH I have found this thread to be a bit depressing.All these cynical responses 'affairs' and 'call me when it is 50 years'.

WTF is wrong with wanting to spend hard earned money having a party and treating loved ones to said party?

User843022 · 14/08/2017 21:38

'In this case the excuse is they haven't been married long enough.'

Dont you think 'Most (but not all) guests live within an hour or two of the venue.' is good enough reason? With various other commitments imo a one or 2hr journey is a trek for afternoon tea.

WLmum · 14/08/2017 21:46

Lovely, i would come for sure.

CoughLaughFart · 14/08/2017 21:48

Myrtle - OP has since said she's rethinking the venue.

NinonDeLenclos · 14/08/2017 21:52

We recently drove 4 hours and stayed overnight to go to a 90th birthday party in the country - the food was basically an amazing tea. Imagine that?

Hygge · 14/08/2017 21:52

Aztec - "No, people seem to be reacting to an invite like it is an insult in some way."

It's been an odd thread. I'd love for people to be honest about the reasons why they would turn down this invitation in real life.

"You have not been married long enough for me to want to come to your party."

"I prefer birthday parties, so I won't be coming."

"We're worried you're going to make a speech and we just can't take it."

"The high tea might not be high enough to make the journey worth it."

"I wouldn't have a party, so I think you having one is weird."

"Personally I'd rather go on holiday if I were you so I won't be joining you on the day."

I'm having the best time on here today Grin

NinonDeLenclos · 14/08/2017 21:53

We saw family and friends we hadn't seen for ages. The children had a great time, they got out their instruments and played together. Beautiful day. Really enjoyed it.

ChocolateDoll · 14/08/2017 22:00

Hygge - love it Grin

You missed out the main acceptance message though....

"We're assuming one of you has had an affair, so we'd be delighted to attend and suss out which one."

Original poster
Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 22:00

Ninon, outside of the family (and friends I've known for years) I'm cripplingly shy by nature, and am just starting to rally back to semi-normality after a year-long slump again on ADs.

Social anxiety doesn't necessarily allow for attendance, but nor does it equal pouring scorn just because you're personally unable to attend. .

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 14/08/2017 22:04

Exactly, Hygge. It's wierd.

And "I wouldn't drive for an hour-I might have other commitments"

Such a Mumsnet thing. "How very dare you text me/ring me/visit me/talk to me/invite me to a party. It's a gross invasion of my privacy."

Original poster
Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 22:04

To host something like this would be a MAJOR deal for me - I wou

OP posts:
Hygge · 14/08/2017 22:05

ChocolateDoll - Grin - how could I forget that one!?

I'm almost tempted to book my own anniversary party so I can put all those options with tick boxes on the RSVP and see what comes back Grin

Original poster
Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 22:06

Oops. Meant to say part of me really would love to; the bigger part will likely turn out to scared. Sorry for drip feed in vino veritas.

OP posts:
redsquirrel2 · 14/08/2017 22:08

I think it's a lovely idea. Afternoon tea with prosecco sounds quite low-key and would be appropriate imo for something which is a fairly small but meaningful celebration. Don't do the vow renewal though, it's cheesy! I would definitely attend, it's something I'd be happy to be invited to. Congratulations!

NinonDeLenclos · 14/08/2017 22:08

OP - I understand that people with issues may not want to go to a party - that's fine - but they shouldn't imply that it's an imposition nay an outrage for that person to be having a party at all.

Original poster
Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 22:09

Hygge - brilliant! Grin

That would be one way to deflect any criticism!

OP posts:
Rhubarbginisnotasin · 14/08/2017 22:09

Op, you're happy to be close to managing 10 years of married life and if I knew you I'd be happy to come to your tea party. The number is special to you. It doesn't matter a bit that other people usually wait for 25 years or so to come around before celebrating.

And its smashing you're feeling well again after a horrible year of not great health.

Celebrate all of it!!!!!

NinonDeLenclos · 14/08/2017 22:09

If I knew that it was a big deal for you to be putting on a party OP - I'm there - I don't care if it takes 2 hours to get there.

ShakyMilk · 14/08/2017 22:11

What the fuck is wrong with everybody? Do it and enjoy every moment.

redsquirrel2 · 14/08/2017 22:14

I understand completely how you feel cross and why you've asked the question. I love parties and socialising but am always nervous when I'm the hostess - full of self-doubt e.g. why would anyone want to come to something I host, who do I think I am to think people would be interested etc. But people can always say no. The people who come will those who want to be there and I bet it'll be nearly everyone you invite.

Original poster
Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 22:14

Ahh Ninon!

You're officially invited! Grin

OP posts:
User843022 · 14/08/2017 22:16

No need to take the piss out of strangers opinions Hygge the op did ask Confused

Just invite your family and friends op, surely you've got some idea whether they'll be up for it? As a pp told us mn isn't representative of real life.