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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wanky? Would you come?

565 replies

Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 09:17

Hi all,

DH's and my ten-year wedding anniversary is still a little way off yet, but I'm starting to think about putting on a low-key but "naice" event to celebrate with close friends and family (25 - 30 guests), and need to check that I'm not breaking any of the MN rules in relation to wedding-related party planning :)

What I'm thinking is to hire a room at the same venue where we got married (small Tudor hotel) and put on an afternoon tea (largely self-catered) and shitloads of prosecco event for mid-afternoon.

I wasn't thinking to do an evening event after, mainly as budget wouldn't stretch that far - though not sure what guests would make of this...? Most (but not all) guests live within an hour or two of the venue.

Am undecided on whether to do a formal renewal of vows. On the one hand it would give more of a sense of occasion to the day; on the other, I'm aware they can be seen by some as maybe a bit cheesy and self-congratulatory (am not saying they are at all!). I'm not particularly sold on renewing vows for its own sake though - another idea might be a couple of nice speeches to kick off proceedings instead?

We'd specify absolutely no presents, btw, and welcome / cater to the children in the family.

AIBU to wonder whether MNers would a) come and b) approve if invited by close friends or family to something like this...? Or would people be inwardly cringing into their scones and ruing lack of evening booze-up afterwards...?

Mumsnet feedback very welcome - thank you!!

OP posts:
kel1234 · 14/08/2017 16:47

It sounds nice, and I'd go. Though I do see anniversaries as more a 'couple' thing. In the sense that the couple do something together, not with other people involved.
As for renewing vows, I wouldn't, then again I can't stand the whole idea and I find it pointless, why would you renew vows that haven't been broken??

Shockers · 14/08/2017 16:52

Some friends once organised a really nice party (hot buffet at lunchtime and bacon butties for supper), in a local country hotel, with a singer during the day and a band in the evening.

There was no occasion and the only speech was, "We wanted to thank all our friends for the joy they've brought to our lives."

Everyone had a stonking time. Why wait for reasons... if you want to treat your friends and family... do it!

ButtHoleinOne · 14/08/2017 17:10

I doubt people renew their vows to publicly out themselves as getting over an affair Hmm

I think some like a celebration or find it romantic. Or didn't like the photos/ceremony first time around (pushed around by inlaw etc)

At any rate I think it's weird some people wouldn't go to a fun local party with family and friends they like with no obligation to gift because they don't approve of the premise of people decelerating their anniversary with friends.

eirrar · 14/08/2017 18:11

I'd go... but I love a good afternoon tea. Had one for my 40th and it was fab. DH on the other hand who probably be dragged along by me, but moaning all the way because he's anti social and also, he doesn't see the point of an afternoon tea.

Have to admit, I do find the idea of celebrating a 10th wedding anniversary a little odd. Can't even remember what I did for mine (doubt I did much at all tbh) .... but then again these days, the only anniversary card I get is one from my mother each year! I always ask her why she bothers... I think perhaps she's a little more old fashioned that I am. Don't get me wrong, DH and are very happily married, we just don't get wedding anniversaries. So I'm probably not the best person to ask!

CoughLaughFart · 14/08/2017 18:50

OP, I would ignore the vast majority of responses on this thread. Time and time again we see on MN that 'it's an invitation, not a summons', but somehow half the responders on here are acting like you're demanding attendance. There's also nothing remotely 'weird' about an anniversary party.

If it was me, I'd go with your revised plan (which, unlike others, I actually bothered reading) of making it a big family party to celebrate a milestone year - your birthdays AND ten years of marriage. I'd love to be invited to something like that.

I don't understand this fashion on MN to react to an invite as if you're being asked to make a massive sacrifice - or that if dare to reject an invite, you'll be a pariah forevermore.

I live 2 - 3 hours away from my extended family. They'd never have a family party without inviting me. Similarly, if I couldn't make it they wouldn't see it as some horrendous slight. This. Is. Normal.

OhhBetty · 14/08/2017 18:57

Tbh I would attend because I'd want to support you both. However I should say that this would be because renewal of vows screams marriage in trouble to me!
I'd definitely go to the birthday/anniversary do though as I actually enjoy happy occasions with friends and family unlike a lot of MN Wink

ArcheryAnnie · 14/08/2017 19:05

It's a tin anniverserary, no? I've been to one of those. It was great, and a lot of fun.

Go for it if you fancy it.

Original poster
Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 19:26

Thanks Coughloudfart (I love your name!)

OP posts:
mymickeysbetterthanyours · 14/08/2017 19:27

There's a lot of joyless sods on here.

I'd be happy to go to an anniversary party. Who cares if it's 5 years, 10 years or 60 years. The couple want to mark the occasion with a gathering of friends and family, and how lovely to be included in that.

Xmasbaby11 · 14/08/2017 19:33

I think I'd go if I knew others and it was convenient. It's not a massive occasion so i wouldn't make the effort of a wedding. I think it's unusual but actually a really nice sentiment.

ForalltheSaints · 14/08/2017 19:40

If it was a friend or family, I would come if it was a local event, but a 10 year anniversary would not persuade me to travel a long distance.

Hygge · 14/08/2017 19:47

Why would she do it for her birthday if she wants a wedding anniversary party?

OP don't let MN talk you out of an anniversary party if you want one.

You'll only get someone commenting that they wouldn't go to a 27th birthday party because they prefer parties when you turn 42 instead.

Or they'd rather spent three days in Spain when they turn 56 so you can't have a party when you're 34, especially not if you're having candles on your cake. They'll come if you don't have candles but they can't be arsed to watch you blow them out.

Do what you want if an any of your family are as difficult as some of the people on here you'll have had a narrow escape.

I was thinking about this earlier. The last time I can remember going to a proper anniversary party / vow renewal it was for the 7th anniversary, and I don't remember half this fuss being made about it by any of the guests.

Maelstrop · 14/08/2017 19:55

Just do a big party at a suitable venue. Ten year anniversary is no biggie for me, personally, but a family get together is all good. My parents did their 50th anniversary last year, church hall, loads of food and booze. Everyone enjoyed themselves. They did renewal of vows purely because the priest was handy after years of being elsewhere.

4691IrradiatedHaggis · 14/08/2017 20:04

I've not read all the replies as there's 15 pages, but I think it sounds like a lovely idea and I'd definitely want to come!

4691IrradiatedHaggis · 14/08/2017 20:17

Didn't realise renewal of vows had the implication of an affair! Definitely not the case here that I know of

I've heard someone say this before, that a renewal of vows is an implication of an affair. Why? Confused
We haven't renewed our vows after an anniversary but I can't see how it automatically screams affair. Hmm
To me, I'd see it as you are still in love after all those years and still committed to each other and want to renew/strengthen your bond.
Bit cynical to see it as one of you's been cheating!

mymickeysbetterthanyours · 14/08/2017 20:24

Plus, when a lot of people say they must meet up yet rarely do, something like this gives the opportunity. Even if they do live a whole 2 hours away.

ShoesHaveSouls · 14/08/2017 20:26

I think, and this is just me, that the 'renewal' of wedding vows implies that someone has broken them. I wouldn't judge (I've never actually known anyone irl to do it) - but it's just that wedding vows are supposedly for life in the first place.

NanooCov · 14/08/2017 20:30

I think it's way too much for a ten year anniversary. Could just about summon enthusiasm to attend a party for family or close friends' silver, gold or ruby anniversaries but not ten. And vow renewals are wanky in my opinion. Sorry.

LJLsmum · 14/08/2017 20:30

I always think renewing vows is more for when a couple has gone through a huge stress event e.g. Battled and won cancer, or maybe after 40+ years. 10 years is long s long time for some things, but not worthy of vow renewing in my opinion.

ThanksForAllTheFish · 14/08/2017 20:43

We don't do anything for our own anniversary (no cards or gifts) so I would find it strange to be invited to a 10 year anniversary party - maybe a 50 year, but not 10. That said I do understand 10 years as being an important one to the couple, just maybe not a party worthy occasion.

I think for our 10 year anniversary I would rather spend the cash on a city break (Paris, Berlin etc) than a party.

ShoesHaveSouls · 14/08/2017 20:49

I would rather spend the cash on a city break (Paris, Berlin etc) than a party.

A trip on the Orient Express! That's what I want to do - we've already gone well beyond 10yrs - but when the dc are all adults - that's what we'll do. It's my dream.

Notknownatthisaddress · 14/08/2017 21:18

As I said earlier in the thread, I think the people saying the renewal of marriage vows screams 'affair!' are speaking from experience. Someone in their marriage (more than likely the husband) has cheated and they renewed their vows to try and give the relationship another go.

Otherwise, why would they think or assume renewal of marriage vows means someone has had an affair (unless it's a 'friend' of theirs who has renewed vows after an affair!) Wink

NinonDeLenclos · 14/08/2017 21:21

I don't understand this fashion on MN to react to an invite as if you're being asked to make a massive sacrifice

As I've said before on this thread, many people on here have issues around socialising. The number of people with social anxiety is truly surprising. I don't find it to be representative of the wider world.

AztecHero · 14/08/2017 21:24

No, people seem to be reacting to an invite like it is an insult in some way.

AztecHero · 14/08/2017 21:27

'We are happy, come celebrate!!'

''Getting a bit above yourself aren't you.''

I dearly hope this is not representative of real life. When I think of the number of parties, bbqs, dinners etc I have hosted.....