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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this wanky? Would you come?

565 replies

Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 09:17

Hi all,

DH's and my ten-year wedding anniversary is still a little way off yet, but I'm starting to think about putting on a low-key but "naice" event to celebrate with close friends and family (25 - 30 guests), and need to check that I'm not breaking any of the MN rules in relation to wedding-related party planning :)

What I'm thinking is to hire a room at the same venue where we got married (small Tudor hotel) and put on an afternoon tea (largely self-catered) and shitloads of prosecco event for mid-afternoon.

I wasn't thinking to do an evening event after, mainly as budget wouldn't stretch that far - though not sure what guests would make of this...? Most (but not all) guests live within an hour or two of the venue.

Am undecided on whether to do a formal renewal of vows. On the one hand it would give more of a sense of occasion to the day; on the other, I'm aware they can be seen by some as maybe a bit cheesy and self-congratulatory (am not saying they are at all!). I'm not particularly sold on renewing vows for its own sake though - another idea might be a couple of nice speeches to kick off proceedings instead?

We'd specify absolutely no presents, btw, and welcome / cater to the children in the family.

AIBU to wonder whether MNers would a) come and b) approve if invited by close friends or family to something like this...? Or would people be inwardly cringing into their scones and ruing lack of evening booze-up afterwards...?

Mumsnet feedback very welcome - thank you!!

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 14/08/2017 14:51

I've not rtft but pesonally I think anniversarys are very much for the couple ( we've been married 28 yrs) .Vows don't need renewing unless they've been broken so I'd assume one or other if you had played away from home . I don't think you can compare an anniversary party to a child's birthday party as birthdays are generally celebrated by wider family and friends .

Original poster
Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 14:52

How are they different to you under? Asking that genuinely.

It would not be that kind of faux wedding do in this case- just afternoon tea and money behind the bar in a pub.

OP posts:
KinkyFruits · 14/08/2017 14:53

TBH, for me the big question would be who else is going to be there, because I would know I'm not going to get to spend much time with the host (you). I wouldn't come if it meant making small talk with random people I only know through you, but if you and I were part of the same group of good friends who regularly socialize together or a fun close family, I would absolutely be there.

peachgreen · 14/08/2017 14:56

Doesn't it feel a bit self-centred to ask people to travel quite a long way to celebrate your ongoing married-ness, though? Does it really mean anything to anyone besides you and your DH (and possibly your children)? Maybe it just depends on one's attitude to wedding anniversaries - I wouldn't expect anyone to even remember mine, let alone celebrate it, besides DH!

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 14:58

Doesn't it feel a bit self-centred to ask people to travel quite a long way to celebrate your ongoing married-ness, though?

Any more than for a birthday, or a childs birthday, or a christening, or anything else?
Did OP say anyone would be travelling a long way?
And if you don't want to go, you don't go. You don't complain that someone is selfish to ask you to a party!

Bemusedandpuzzled · 14/08/2017 14:59

Exactly noever - an invitation is not a summons!

Underthemoonlight · 14/08/2017 15:00

I think anniversarys are very much for the couple. I don't think you can compare an anniversary party to a child's birthday party as birthdays are generally celebrated by wider family and friends.

This^

PovertyJetset · 14/08/2017 15:04

I still think it's a weird thing to have A party for.

But I don't think you'll be dissuaded op. As others have said- you know your family and friends.

Also... would it be a faux pas norm to invite everyone from the original wedding?

I think it is naff in the extreme and on a par with going to a English pub in Benidorm and reading the sun and eating a fulll English!

I have a mate who would do this though and she loves her family they socialise a great deal together and they would all find it great fun.

Original poster
Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 15:08

I may well be dissuaded in the end.

Don't want to look tot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 15:08

*a tit

OP posts:
Bemusedandpuzzled · 14/08/2017 15:10

For God's sake, don't let Mumsnet run your party life! You'll end up sitting at home by yourself, resolutely congratulating yourself on how much you don't drink.

Brittbugs80 · 14/08/2017 15:10

"I wouldn't call any afternoon tea slap up", it would have been clearer, if that's indeed what you meant

And that's what I said in later posts. I don't consider afternoon teas a slap up affair.

And you chose to take the comment as bitchy but it didn't have a bitchy intent.

PovertyJetset · 14/08/2017 15:11

If you just call it a family party then I think it would be fine.

Don't mention the annniversary part and do not put anything on invites about presents.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 14/08/2017 15:14

WHY DONT YOU DO IT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY??

Sorry for shouting but this doesn't seem to be getting answered! If the reasoning is that you want to host a lovely event then why do it to mark an occasion that many people seem to think of as a bit of a non event, when you and your husband both have birthdays once a year which is widely recognised as a reason to organise a get together with family and friends?

peachgreen · 14/08/2017 15:15

Any more than for a birthday, or a childs birthday, or a christening, or anything else?
Did OP say anyone would be travelling a long way?
And if you don't want to go, you don't go. You don't complain that someone is selfish to ask you to a party!

Yes, definitely more than for a birthday / child's birthday / christening as those are often celebrated by wider friends and family (although I wouldn't expect anyone to travel for those either, unless it was a significant birthday!).

OP has mentioned people needing to stay overnight, so I assumed they would be travelling.

Perhaps it's different in other families but certainly in mine, if you're invited to something there's an expectation that you'll attend. So it sort of is a summons!

I just don't think 10 years of marriage is something people would traditionally celebrate with other people, and some of OP's friends / family will think the same and find it a bit... self-centered? But I could be completely wrong!

peachgreen · 14/08/2017 15:16

gah, formatting fail.

Applesandpears23 · 14/08/2017 15:17

If you go off throwing an anniversary party you could always throw yourself a birthday party.

Original poster
Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 15:17

Wouldn't it be even more naff to throw yourself a birthday party at which presents would definitely be offered (if not requested)?

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 14/08/2017 15:18

I think it depends on what kind of a family you are. Some families have regular parties and find an excuse to celebrate absolutely everything and others don't bother at all. I would not celebrate someone elses wedding anniversay but then again we don't celebrate our own. I think a nice lunch and a few glasses of something sparkly sounds ok - but I wouldn't go any further than that for a10 years anniversay. . And as far as wedding renewal vows go I think they are on a par with baby showers - so that would be a hell no!

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 14/08/2017 15:21

Birthday parties are far more the norm than10th anniversary parties. You could still say no presents but at least you'd know that none of your guests are thinking 'how weird, an afternoon tea party for a birthday' whereas it seems that at least some people will think an afternoon tea party for a tenth anniversary is weird.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 14/08/2017 15:24

Ps I have a party every year on my birthday, I don't do formal invitations as such, I just email or txt my family friends and invite them for a birthday shin dig. I don't mention presents and it varies, some people bring a gift (those people would probably have given me a gift even if no party) and some people bring cards and some people bring nothing, it's really not a big deal, the main thing is we all get together and have a good time and i enjoy hosting.

LazaUbi · 14/08/2017 15:24

"Perhaps it's different in other families but certainly in mine, if you're invited to something there's an expectation that you'll attend. So it sort of is a summons!

I just don't think 10 years of marriage is something people would traditionally celebrate with other people, and some of OP's friends / family will think the same and find it a bit... self-centered? But I could be completely wrong!"

It is definitely different in other families. People have busy lives, they often can't or don't want to go to everything they are invited to and that is fine. To view an invitation as a demand is quite strange. And somebody inviting guests for an event and catering for those who'd like to attend is hardly 'self-centred'. Confused

OlennasWimple · 14/08/2017 15:25

MN is miserable sometimes!

If you want to have a party to celebrate your anniversary, then go for it. You know your friends and family and whether they would like to come much better than randoms on the internet (most of whom would resent being invited to your wedding in the first place). Your plans sound nice, not OTT and if people don't want to attend for whatever reason they can decline.

I would skip the vow renewal, though, but make a short speech at a suitable point in the party to thank everyone for coming and maybe say a few words about each other and your marriage

DonkeyOil · 14/08/2017 15:26

do not put anything on invites about presents.

The trouble is, you'll then have lots of people in a quandary about whether to get a present or not! Most people would at least think of taking a gift to an anniversary party. What's wrong with saying something?

I had an invitation once which said 'Please don't bring anything, the presence of our guests is present enough for us!' I thought that was quite clever! Some people still brought a small box of chocs, a bottle etc., but it eliminated any awkwardness about present-giving.

AlexaAmbidextra · 14/08/2017 15:26

Just as an aside, how can you self-cater in a hotel? I don't know any hotels that would allow that.