Hi all, will do my best to keep this short...
As a bit of background I have 2 DD's aged 10 and 8.
We live about 400 miles from my Mum so visits tend to be for a week or so, this week has been one of those times. I love seeing my mum but there is one thing that drives me mad and I'm not sure if IABU?
My mum was pretty strict when I was growing up and I hated it TBH. I am much more relaxed. My kids have had a routine since they were a few weeks old, go to bed at a reasonable hour, don't fuss, sit at the table with DH and I for meals, are polite and do what they are asked (most of the time) both have good school reports and have never been in trouble - I think that's enough. DH and I are both pretty light hearted and have a laugh and joke a lot of the time, we sing silly songs and mess about.
Anyway... My mum basically tells the kids off the whole time we're there. DD1 is quiet and sensible and quite shy, my mum identifies with this and generally enjoys her company. DD2 is noisy, silly, funny etc she sings all the time and is hardly ever still. My Mum tells her off all the time - some examples from this week, she flopped down on the sofa - Mum made her stand up and 'sit down properly' she was asked if she wanted a boiled egg, she was standing in front of my mum bouncing up and down and said 'yes please' Mum put her hands on her shoulders and held her down and said 'now say it again'. I said (incredulously) she's already said yes please, but was shot down with 'she has to learn to keep still' Mum constantly tells her to be quiet, sit down, stop doing that etc. I have explained to Mum that this is her personality, she's been energetic, and loud since she was born (she was a hard work baby!) but her response is that she has to learn to be quiet. Does she? AIBU to think this is her personality and I dont want to squash it out of her? Just to add (not boastfully) that she gets excellent school reports, is top in all subject groups, works hard and her teacher says she a great member of the class and makes her laugh every day. She also goes to a drama class every weekend (I started this because she has so much 'extra' energy!) and she gets fantastic reports from there too. No one else has ever told me she's behaved out of order.
My mum has always been vocal about my 'being too soft' and once accused me of 'shaping my whole life around my children - I never did that with you' (don't i know it!)
I've long since accepted that she doesn't agree with my parenting, DH and I are happy with our kids and the way we manage them, but I am worried that she will alienate herself from DD2 who already says that she strict and tells DH all about the 'rules' at her house. I have learnt not to sweat the small stuff with DD2, often tellings off are water off a duck's back and you have to know how to handle her (I think I DO know this and when I need to I can step in effectively) but often Mum will tell her off for something that I would just completely ignore and not engage with, which then makes things awkward and usually makes the behaviour worse and then she's looking at me to deal with it!
It really annoys me that she constantly tells the kids off when I'm there - if I wanted them told off I'd do it myself!! and when I do have to tell them off, she adds her ten pence worth at the end.
I've stopped discussing any behavioral issues with her because she basically blames my parenting.
I feel like I've left it too late to discuss this with her and because we live so far away I'm worried about upsettting her and managing that when we live so far away. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't want this to continue. So, AIBU and what should I do?
Thanks for reading