to be upset/annoyed that my Mum appears to be parenting over the top of me?

[Toastytoad]

Hi all, will do my best to keep this short...
As a bit of background I have 2 DD's aged 10 and 8.
We live about 400 miles from my Mum so visits tend to be for a week or so, this week has been one of those times. I love seeing my mum but there is one thing that drives me mad and I'm not sure if IABU?
My mum was pretty strict when I was growing up and I hated it TBH. I am much more relaxed. My kids have had a routine since they were a few weeks old, go to bed at a reasonable hour, don't fuss, sit at the table with DH and I for meals, are polite and do what they are asked (most of the time) both have good school reports and have never been in trouble - I think that's enough. DH and I are both pretty light hearted and have a laugh and joke a lot of the time, we sing silly songs and mess about.
Anyway... My mum basically tells the kids off the whole time we're there. DD1 is quiet and sensible and quite shy, my mum identifies with this and generally enjoys her company. DD2 is noisy, silly, funny etc she sings all the time and is hardly ever still. My Mum tells her off all the time - some examples from this week, she flopped down on the sofa - Mum made her stand up and 'sit down properly' she was asked if she wanted a boiled egg, she was standing in front of my mum bouncing up and down and said 'yes please' Mum put her hands on her shoulders and held her down and said 'now say it again'. I said (incredulously) she's already said yes please, but was shot down with 'she has to learn to keep still' Mum constantly tells her to be quiet, sit down, stop doing that etc. I have explained to Mum that this is her personality, she's been energetic, and loud since she was born (she was a hard work baby!) but her response is that she has to learn to be quiet. Does she? AIBU to think this is her personality and I dont want to squash it out of her? Just to add (not boastfully) that she gets excellent school reports, is top in all subject groups, works hard and her teacher says she a great member of the class and makes her laugh every day. She also goes to a drama class every weekend (I started this because she has so much 'extra' energy!) and she gets fantastic reports from there too. No one else has ever told me she's behaved out of order.
My mum has always been vocal about my 'being too soft' and once accused me of 'shaping my whole life around my children - I never did that with you' (don't i know it!)
I've long since accepted that she doesn't agree with my parenting, DH and I are happy with our kids and the way we manage them, but I am worried that she will alienate herself from DD2 who already says that she strict and tells DH all about the 'rules' at her house. I have learnt not to sweat the small stuff with DD2, often tellings off are water off a duck's back and you have to know how to handle her (I think I DO know this and when I need to I can step in effectively) but often Mum will tell her off for something that I would just completely ignore and not engage with, which then makes things awkward and usually makes the behaviour worse and then she's looking at me to deal with it!
It really annoys me that she constantly tells the kids off when I'm there - if I wanted them told off I'd do it myself!! and when I do have to tell them off, she adds her ten pence worth at the end.
I've stopped discussing any behavioral issues with her because she basically blames my parenting.
I feel like I've left it too late to discuss this with her and because we live so far away I'm worried about upsettting her and managing that when we live so far away. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't want this to continue. So, AIBU and what should I do?
Thanks for reading

I am a gm and my ds has a look that he gives me if he feels l am straying into parenting territory. Nothing is saisd as dont want gd involved but l get the message. For me its the opposite to your dm as gd is hopping up and down which l love and ds is telling her to be still. I make the mistake of doing my soft granny approach and say she is fine but l get a quick look which says it all. Im a teacher for years and l absolutely hate people telling dc off for just being full of the joys of life. Its like something in them wants to squash the exhuberance out. I would talk to her i n private about treating both the same and understanding dd2 better. Then l would perfect the look as she will know what you mean.
Having said all that my dm was strict with all her gc and they accepted it totally . They are grown up now and she passed away recently and all her many gks were full of stories of times with gm despite her rules and no nonsense approach.

I have deepest sympathy op. My mother parents because she doesn't know how to relax and enjoy the grandchildren she only has one setting when children are around. It is utterly infuriating and sad.

I have 3 children aged between 8 and 13. The 11 and 13 yo are quite unusual in their behaviour as they are both autistic (high functioning) but they are very well behaved, also get excellent school reports and are fun and energetic. I am practised at getting the children to behave appropriately, they can come across as overly direct/ completely random at times, eye contact is rare from dd1, ds can be a bit bossy with his little sisters, dd1 can be catastrophically clumsy and unaware of her surroundings. But they are very polite to the extent that ds sounds overly formal, they are very kind and understanding of each other and they have an adequate mother in me, they don't need another.

It is not so much that she is telling them off all the time of anything. Like the op my mother lives hundreds of miles away so when she visits us it is for a few days. When we visit her we do not stay at her house but near by. When she is with the children, she will tell them not to do things that I am allowing (walking along a low flat wall), she will wipe faces, she will respond to "mummy", she will tell them when they have had enough biscuits or if they are allowed another drink

So it is not even that she particularly thinks I am inadequate, it is like she cannot imagine anything other than a parent. So it losses me off to the point I am passive aggressive and grouchy with her and strains her relationship with the children, they still love her but she is not 'fun'. If you don't address it then resentment will build, I have tried raising the issue with my mum but she is incredibly inflexible, likely she is autistic, they are lots of similarities with my older children, so I have to put up with her as she is. If there is a chance you can change the dynamic op, then do.

Thank you all for your replies they've been really helpful. I am off to work now but will reply properly later. Thanks again

My Mum in the past used to undermine my parenting. I would tell off DS1 or DS and be told not to shout as it didn't help.

1. I was perfectly aware that shouting didn't help, but when you've asked a child a million times nicely, sometimes you just lose it.
2. She did nothing but shout at me and DB growing up so that just pissed me off, pot-kettle!

She has not done it again since one time when I was about 12 weeks pg with DD, so v. hormonal and she said it, I am not proud to say I exploded at her and told her he was my child and I would parent him any way I wanted to. It did make her stop though.

You need to speak to your Mum, or limit the amount of time you spend with her.

My DM is like this, parenting our DDs over me, even when I'm already telling one of them off for something. She can't help herself, she keeps doing it. She isn't able to stay out of it.

At least in our case we don't stay at her house because she lives locally. If you are in her house, she does have grounds to expect a better standard of behaviour, though she should discuss the ground rules with you beforehand so she's not undermining you. I'm learning to stand up for myself and my DDs when we're with my DM.

I would agree with a pp that it would be better for you to have her stay with you, she can't say 'my house, my rules' then.

Dh's elderly relative has just stayed with us and he was the same with my dd (8) having only ever met her twice. DH lost the plot in the end after he told her she 'didn't have an input' into something we were discussing and told him she counted just as much as the adults and that he was out of line.

Slightly different to your situation but your mum is out of order. My dd sounds exactly the same as yours! She can't help it!!

We have similar. "If I disciplined the dc they wouldn't do X, Y, Z". We've learnt to pick our battles with the children and my parents. Needless to say we don't see much of them for many reasons at the moment.

Ultimately, when in your house , your rules reign. In her house I'd be asking Dd2 to tone it down a little. She might just be an excitable child and there is nothing wrong with that. From their school reports it's easy to see she knows there's a time and place, so encourage her to go by 'school rules' when at granny's house.

I never had a living GM in my lifetime but had several maternal aunts who were either spinsters or married but no DC. Unusually for such a large family my mum was only one had DC. So of course all my aunts had to flex their parenting muscles on me ! One was very Victorian in her ways but taught me for hours how to cook, bake ,sew, knit and took me out to little cafes and the pictures. But l knew with this aunt l had to behave 'properly' though l was very fond of her. Another aunt was very warm and laid back and when l stayed with her for example we would sometimes have a cream cake for breakfast just because we could really and would giggle about how the other aunts and my mother ( very strict) would react if they knew. She was absolutely my favourite l adored her and used to fantasise she was my mum really and ld been adopted out to my real mother. My other aunts were somewhere imbetween being fun and strict really. Looking back l seemed to like them in order of how strict they were but l was very fond of them all in a different way. My mum was ridiculously strict and tyrannical almost and l didn't like her at all ( sorry but it's true) It has taught me though with all these very differently styled 'mums' as a child to be very good at horses for courses with dealing with different kinds of people which was very important in my job and often got noted how good l was at just knowing what to say to one person but not to another etc.

My mother often does this and it drives me crazy! I tell to stop and please not interfere. Just tell her to back off.

Fucks sake if you can't bob about gig around and slob on the sofa at grans house where can you?

I wouldn't go to hers anymore and tell her why. Invite her to yours so it really is your house your rules and tell her what vulval said

Bahhhhhumbug

You were fortunate to have so many "mothers" and one, who taught you to see your mothers' behaviour for what it is. Most of us are trying to be that parent all in one to our children (not the tyrannical bit) and as I'm chronically ill, it's really hard. The little girl in me would love to have had women around me to spend so much time with me. It made me sad and smile all at the same time.

To add as a gran myself who helps with childcare two days a week when the grandchildren are at my house and in my care I parent them as I parented their parents

However when their parents are around we step back and support any decisions made by the parents.

I had one friend who lets her grandchild age 4 throw food at the cat because 'it's funny' and never insists on basic manners or any form of discipline and it drives her daughter mad. So undermining

That is an appalling breach of confidentiality about the performance of every other child in the class- they are effectively telling you that their marks were lower than your DDS which is not info they should be sharing

Yeah, 'coz that's really the point of the whole thread, isn't it?
What is it about MN that makes some people so determined to offer sanctimonious, unsolicited "advice."

OP, sounds like DM is staying with you now, not other way around? That's important- "my house my rules" has to be the default position. Is DM looking after your DCs while you're at work? In that case, the corollary to MYHR applies - if main adult isn't there then rules of childcare adult kick in, within reason. So you are perfectly within your rights to ask/demand your DM stop telling your DCs off when you are in your house and you are there.

Taking another perspective, is there any affection at all between DM and DD2? Do they ever find positive things to say to and about each other? If so, it might just be good for DD2 to get another perspective on her behaviour from time to time from someone who does love her as unconditionally as you and DH do. While DM's scolding may seem OTT the behaviours she is telling off are things a top performer at school could not get away with, so clearly DD2 is capable of toning herself down when the situation calls for it. It doesn't have to mean beating her personality out of her, but flopping down on a sofa and jumping up and down in response to a simple question can be extremely irritating (I know, I have a DS12 who is exactly the same!).

As her parents you and your DH are giving her a model of a safe space where she can always be herself. That's great (I mean it! You clearly have more patience than my DH and I do.). But someone needs to teach her that not everyone is so patient and tolerant, and if it can be done in an atmosphere of love as well it doesn't have to create a hostile relationship.

Is the problem OP that you consider DD's behaviour acceptable/not worth noticing or that you're embarrassed your DM appears to be trying to do your job for you? I can tell you that the few times my own parents have interfered I've been miffed for the latter reason.

So I guess what I'm saying is that this may be another time to "pick your battles" - don't assume every time DM tries to influence your DD she is out of line. I think if you come at it from that perspective it might be easier to have the MYMR chat with her.

Good luck!

Different people have different expectations, it's probably a good life lesson for her to learn. She might be bouncy and giddy her whole life but may need to learn to censure that aspect of her personality when she's employed.

It is difficult to deal with because although you are completely right, it's nigh on impossible to get your mother to rein it in. I feel your pain!

Is there any good foundations to your mother and bouncy DD's relationship? A grand parent relationship can be a source of so such joy and love, under the right circumstances.

You are all lucky to have mothers still and for your kids to have grandmas. Now my mum has died I regret all the petty annoyances I had with her.

Age 8 then she's old enough to be told not to bounce on furniture and you should be the one telling her this but aren't bothering to. Getting overexcited about a boiled egg doesn't seem worth bothering with though.
It sounds like you need to chat to your mum about your parenting differences and ask her not to take over parenting your children when you are around but leave it to you.
You need to teach your children to look after other people's furniture though.
Bouncy shouty children can be very wearing though especially as you get older. We were always told to be on our best behaviour at grandparents' houses and when visitors were round, which is after all preparation for life as adults behave better in other people's houses particularly elderly people's houses.. It sounds as though you haven't had the best behaviour chat with your daughters.

No advice but you are not alone. My mil is like a parrot in the background repeating anything I say to my children when telling them off. Drives me mental. Luckily my do notices (after I told him) and pulls her up in it now. She is properly in the category of I've had my children my grandchildren are just for my own entertainment variety though.

In dd's high school they give a subject prize at prizegiving to the person who does best in each subject each year. Is that an appalling breach of confidentiality because it let's the other kids know their marks were lower?

"She may need to learn to censure that aspect of her personality when she's employed"

Not all of us aspire to jobs in an environment where we have to behave like we have a pointy stick permanently inserted in our rectum.

I find adults who are permanently loud and chatty exhausting. Kids tend to be more bouncy and exuberant than adults which can be fun and entertaining, but if you can also learn to be calm and focussed when the occasion demands it (not deadening your soul just calming it and learning to chill and relax) you will give yourself more options and opportunities in life.
Maybe having a holiday cottage near your mum would be an option if your mum can't learn to let the minor stuff go so you're not together all the time all day.

I have a very similar situation with my mum who takes over parenting, criticises my parenting, over-rules me, etc; often in a very passive aggressive way. My ds is often praised by external people for being well mannered and polite, so I know that we are getting things roughly right most of the time!

I had a big falling out with her recently when she spoke to my son about something I had specifically asked her not to. What she doesnt know, as she refuses to accept that this was not OK, is that if she does that again I am going no contact. I dropped contact for a month - it was lovely!

But I have totally sympathy with OP and others on this thread. They simply wont take any notice of what you are saying to them about it not being OK.