to be upset/annoyed that my Mum appears to be parenting over the top of me?

[Toastytoad]

Hi all, will do my best to keep this short...
As a bit of background I have 2 DD's aged 10 and 8.
We live about 400 miles from my Mum so visits tend to be for a week or so, this week has been one of those times. I love seeing my mum but there is one thing that drives me mad and I'm not sure if IABU?
My mum was pretty strict when I was growing up and I hated it TBH. I am much more relaxed. My kids have had a routine since they were a few weeks old, go to bed at a reasonable hour, don't fuss, sit at the table with DH and I for meals, are polite and do what they are asked (most of the time) both have good school reports and have never been in trouble - I think that's enough. DH and I are both pretty light hearted and have a laugh and joke a lot of the time, we sing silly songs and mess about.
Anyway... My mum basically tells the kids off the whole time we're there. DD1 is quiet and sensible and quite shy, my mum identifies with this and generally enjoys her company. DD2 is noisy, silly, funny etc she sings all the time and is hardly ever still. My Mum tells her off all the time - some examples from this week, she flopped down on the sofa - Mum made her stand up and 'sit down properly' she was asked if she wanted a boiled egg, she was standing in front of my mum bouncing up and down and said 'yes please' Mum put her hands on her shoulders and held her down and said 'now say it again'. I said (incredulously) she's already said yes please, but was shot down with 'she has to learn to keep still' Mum constantly tells her to be quiet, sit down, stop doing that etc. I have explained to Mum that this is her personality, she's been energetic, and loud since she was born (she was a hard work baby!) but her response is that she has to learn to be quiet. Does she? AIBU to think this is her personality and I dont want to squash it out of her? Just to add (not boastfully) that she gets excellent school reports, is top in all subject groups, works hard and her teacher says she a great member of the class and makes her laugh every day. She also goes to a drama class every weekend (I started this because she has so much 'extra' energy!) and she gets fantastic reports from there too. No one else has ever told me she's behaved out of order.
My mum has always been vocal about my 'being too soft' and once accused me of 'shaping my whole life around my children - I never did that with you' (don't i know it!)
I've long since accepted that she doesn't agree with my parenting, DH and I are happy with our kids and the way we manage them, but I am worried that she will alienate herself from DD2 who already says that she strict and tells DH all about the 'rules' at her house. I have learnt not to sweat the small stuff with DD2, often tellings off are water off a duck's back and you have to know how to handle her (I think I DO know this and when I need to I can step in effectively) but often Mum will tell her off for something that I would just completely ignore and not engage with, which then makes things awkward and usually makes the behaviour worse and then she's looking at me to deal with it!
It really annoys me that she constantly tells the kids off when I'm there - if I wanted them told off I'd do it myself!! and when I do have to tell them off, she adds her ten pence worth at the end.
I've stopped discussing any behavioral issues with her because she basically blames my parenting.
I feel like I've left it too late to discuss this with her and because we live so far away I'm worried about upsettting her and managing that when we live so far away. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't want this to continue. So, AIBU and what should I do?
Thanks for reading

hooochy I am sorry

I understand your pov as my father died when I was 18, he never got to be a grandad for my children. But. That doesn't prevent me from experiencing irritation when my mother squandered her opportunities to get to know her grandchildren, by trying to parent them instead, it confused them and creates further distance especially as they only see her a few times a year!

I provide her with time with me and them, I travel long distances to go to see her and stay nearby as she can't accommodate us. I wish I didn't get fed up with her but as you get older you become more aware of your parents as people, warts and all. I never got that opportunity with my Dad and it is a bittersweet experience as I liked mum more when I knew her less. Not a feeling I am proud of but it is true. It is also true that I appreciate her as my mother and want to continue our relationship of course but I am realistic about her and my limitations.

Dunno, but an 8 year old should be able to stand sensibly whilst being spoken to. I don't think that's too much to ask, it would drive me nuts to have a child bouncing up and down while talking to me. I'll bet she doesn't do the bouncing thing at school.

I don't think you mum is parenting over you, OP, I think she sounds like she wants your dd to not thump down onto furniture and look like she's listening when spoken to, I don't see from any of your examples where she's trying to parent.

You could be me! I had to take a cbt course because of the anxiety I felt around confronting her on these sort of things but I did, in a respectful way, and things are better. She still oversteps and I sometimes get very frustrated with her but it is better. You're a grown up and a mother and you are now equals. Please say something x

I think this is pretty common as our parents generation often have pretty fixed ideas about what it means to be a 'good' child. (Mostly it means quiet and obedient).

My MIL does the same. At her house I let it go, and just let the children know that is what SHE expects of them. If she does it in my house though I try to step in and say 'no it's fine' etc. When she tries to chime in when I am disciplining, I laugh and say 'it's ok I've got this' etc.

It's a small issue as my MIL is generally great.

I'd have issues with bouncing about when being asked a question, and slamming down/jumping onto furniture too - whether boys or girls. It is about respect - for a person and their belongings.

someone bouncing about is irritating when you are trying to get on with stuff or get a simple answer - you do not feel like you are being listened to.

I don't want to hurt her feelings your mother is an adult - as the saying goes, if she dishes it out she can take it.

To the one who said she'll need to limit that aspect of her personality when she is at work. Clearly she is performing well at school and there are no issues with her behaviour at school. This would indicate that it is granny that is not used to young lively children.

I would suggest turning down invites for a while and explaining why. Tell your mum she is welcome to visit you in your home but you can't let your child be continually criticised when there is no basis for criticism as it is upsetting to both you and your daughter.

I've learned to smile sweetly, be realistic and be polite instead of getting personal, being OTT and rude vulvalheadmistress, you?

I of course mean if your child chooses some forms of employment OP

I'm sorry but fuck your mums feelings! My MIL was tbh an absolutely shit mother to DH - thankfully we are now NC - but before we did that she did try to act like she knew better. She saw me as a 'bit of a kid' although I've many younger siblings and helped bring them up so I have much more parenting experience than her in theory! (DH was practically brought up by his grandparents)
One time she actually smacked my DDs hand at about 16 months old for pulling her earring. She's lucky she didn't cry because I would have knocked her out but it was plainly obvious how much she'd pissed me off and she never so much as raised her voice around her after that.
The blatant favouritism is also very unfair and it WILL affect your kids as they get older so please tell your mother if she cannot treat them equally and respect that you and your DH are capable parents then she isn't fucking welcome in your home, end of!

mummyslittledragon Thank you yes l was blessed in that despite having a very unhappy relationship with my mum l did at least have that nice 'mum' relationship with some of her sisters and collectively. I am sorry you are poorly and it is making being a mum quite hard sometimes but l am sure you are a lovely mum as you care so much about being a good one. I think children are much more perceptive than we think sometimes and lm sure your DC won't think looking back on their childhood than you were anything other than a lovely mum but just sometimes was too tired to take them out ( or whatever ) but only because you were ill at the time I think the point of my op on this thread was to say to the OP not to worry too much about her dd hating her gran etc.as DC are very good at accepting ( as l did with my very 'proper' aunt ) peoples funny different ways and not judging them ( as long as they're not abusive obv.). My memories of my strict and proper aunt are mainly of the time she dedicated to me and the things she taught me far outweigh the ' sit up straight ' and 'say that again properly' memories..But the OP shouldn't accept any favouritism obviously thats not on.

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate all the stories you've shared and it's nice to know I'm not alone but sorry to hear others feel the same.
I think bigmouth hit the nail on the head saying that DM doesn't know any other way other than to parent (DM is a school teacher btw). She's not a very relaxed person at all and finds all the noise and movement difficult. The problem is DD2 recognises that she gets a different reception (compared to DD1) from DM and then escalates her loud behaviour to attract attention.
My MIL is much older and for the first few years I was terrified at her (very well looked after) calm home, but DD2 is different there. I used to run around tidying up after then all the time, trying to keep them quiet because that's what I was used to. It was only when DH said "WTF? You don't need to do that here" that I stopped and realised MIL just enjoys them and trusts that at the end of the day I'll ask them to tidy up their toys (which I always do). DD2 is very empathetic that MIL is older and we need to take care of her (we also lost FIL several years ago) and DD2 couldn't be gentler. She is still noisy and bouncy in the house but MIL doesn't mind and it just isn't an issue. (She's also a bit deaf so that might help I guess!)
My concern is much more for their relationship and DD2 feeling that she compares unfavourably to DD1. A couple of years ago we came home from a parent's evening and facetimed DM and her DH. They spoke to DD1 "oh what did the teachers say about you? How kind you are? how hard you work? How well you're doing etc etc, lovely conversation, then they asked about DD2 who at this point was behind the iPad so they couldn't see her "oh what would they have said about DD2? Who's making all that noise? Are they thinking of expelling her.." (all said in jest and happy tones) I could literally see DD2's face fall. I was so angry and launched into "well actually they said... etc and then said "we need to go now, bye" I was really angry/upset, I went for a run and I so badly wish I'd phoned her later on (when I'd calmed down) but didn't and I can't remember why.
I really love DM and don't want to cause a rift but I know DD's have to come first. I also feel very guilty about living so far away as this is not her choice and she does really love her grandchildren, both of them. There are lots of positive moments between them all and she tells them she loves them all the time. I only have her, (and her DH who is a fantastic grandad and a lovely person) my own DD (said through gritted teeth) is an arsehole that I have had NC with since the kids were born as I decided I didn't want to subject them to him.
Bloody complicated stuff!
Thank you all again for your input, it's given me a lot to think about

Oh and it's certainly not that 'I can't be bothered' to deal with flopping on the sofa type behaviour. I just pick my battles with an already quite wilful child. I would usually put my hand on her arm and say 'calm down' and then distract her with an activity or something else. I would NEVER make her stand up and sit down again properly, but I fully appreciate that that's not what everyone would do

Ooh and I think I mean DF not DD in that last paragraph (Dad)

Personally, I wouldn't dream of criticising my Dgs. Am far to cowardly!!

Kids bounce! End of.

I had the same problem with my DM when she was alive. I have two boys and one girl and she left the boys out of everything. She never had a good word to say about them & they couldn't do anything right, all because they were "hyper". ( actually they were just normal kids). Fast forward 20 years and my son's refused to attend her funeral. I was a bit hurt, but I understand why. We reap what we sow unfortunately.
I now have a 5 year old grandson who gets away with murder with me because I don't want to be the grandma that my mum was. My daughter is quite strict with him, but acknowledges that he has a good time with me. She's a bit like my mum in that respect.
You are right to pick your battles, they're your children and I'm sure you don't want them to end up like your MIL. Could you make the visits shorter?

Crikey. The way your mother is acting is classic narcissistic golden child/scapegoat mentality. My mother tried to do this with my dd when she was 7 (in relation to an incident between dd and my brother - her precious son - she made out dd bullied her 6'2" 46 yr old son). I put paid to that one very quickly.

I really really think you need to stand up to your mother more as your dd is suffering. Had my mother said the things about the teacher either that dds noisy or risks getting expelled, I would have hit the roof! Your own mother is making nasty little jokes at your dds expense. It's what my mother has always done with me. She taught my brother to be just like her. She and my brother still do it now. It's really nasty and abusive and eats away at your soul.

Your daughter is already acting up to try to get attention from her grandma. She's learning negative attention is better than no attention. And this is a dangerous trap to fall into. Your mother doesn't seem to know what unconditional love is by the sounds of it.

Bahhhhhumbug

Thank you for the reply. I wasn't expecting it. You sound lovely.

'Am a bit bemused at the posters pursing their lips at an 8yo flopping down on a sofa (because of the 'stress on the sofa'?) and bouncing up and down at her grandmother's house '

Me too! And the 'it's dangerous' posts are laughable

OP, I think this is key:
'The problem is DD2 recognises that she gets a different reception (compared to DD1) from DM and then escalates her loud behaviour to attract attention.'

This is all shaping BOTH DDs' self esteems. I would both talk to her, and stay in a nearby holiday home when visiting her rather than at her home.

'I would NEVER make her stand up and sit down again properly, but I fully appreciate that that's not what everyone would do'.

Thank goodness!

Are they thinking of expelling her No, just no, not even in jest. The problem here is your Mother, she is causing the problem and she can resolve the problem if she wishes too, and she is the one who will cause a rift because of her behaviour. She is forcing you into picking sides, her or your DD2, currently you're on your Mother's side.

I have a narc MIL. She gave in quickly trying to parent my DC but now contents herself trying to control the whole family, that's going really badly. I now know who the golden GC is, not mine Definitely to do with confidence. I found it easy personally with the parenting as I haven't been trained from birth by her and my immediate response to most of her attempts at parenting were a polite version of WTF, stopped her in her tracks. Even down to DC2 having yet another nosebleed, I expected MIL being closest, a MW and all her DC having suffered with NB, to know what to do. She tried to tip DC2's head back, but looked to me first, I rolled my eyes and said no.

P.S. Your dc sound lovely.

Stand up for your daughter. Your mum will go back to he house and upset or not, nothing will really come of it. Your daughter is growing up, she is not doing anything wrong, she's active, curious and energetic. All good qualities. Your mum is living in 1910 by trying to "educate" girls to be quiet and still. Bonkers. Your daughter needs to know that she's not wrong, that you support her, that she's wonderful as she is. Stand up for your daughters, defend them, joke about your mum's discipline, whatever, but your DDS need to know you are on their side and that they are both equally good the way they are.

I sympathise, OP. My 11 year old has ADHD and Dyspraxia and it's becoming obvious that he drives my mother nuts now that he's not a tiny child any more. She is far more forgiving of my energetic 5 year old but still is much stricter than I am with both of them. It's been bearable so far, but we are going on holiday with her for a week tomorrow and I'm dreading it already now. She's paying so I feel I can't have a huge row with her about it, but neither can I allow her to treat my kids how she does on occasion so I will carry on sticking up for them and seething internally I suspect. Probably not the right solution though. I can see DS1 not wanting to spend any time with her before he gets much older.

I gave my independent opinion in the first place .
Have a lovely day vulvalheadmistress

The original post makes me feel really sad for your younger dd op I honestly don't think I could stop myself saying something if it were my mum. She sounds really hard work (your mum not your dd!)

Maybe say something along the lines of 'are you aware of how you treat the girls differently?' or 'is there a reason why you seem to struggle with younger dgd more than her sister?' and see what she says.

Flopping down on sofas and jumping up and down when answering you is pretty standard 8yo behaviour ime!!