to be upset/annoyed that my Mum appears to be parenting over the top of me?

[Toastytoad]

Hi all, will do my best to keep this short...
As a bit of background I have 2 DD's aged 10 and 8.
We live about 400 miles from my Mum so visits tend to be for a week or so, this week has been one of those times. I love seeing my mum but there is one thing that drives me mad and I'm not sure if IABU?
My mum was pretty strict when I was growing up and I hated it TBH. I am much more relaxed. My kids have had a routine since they were a few weeks old, go to bed at a reasonable hour, don't fuss, sit at the table with DH and I for meals, are polite and do what they are asked (most of the time) both have good school reports and have never been in trouble - I think that's enough. DH and I are both pretty light hearted and have a laugh and joke a lot of the time, we sing silly songs and mess about.
Anyway... My mum basically tells the kids off the whole time we're there. DD1 is quiet and sensible and quite shy, my mum identifies with this and generally enjoys her company. DD2 is noisy, silly, funny etc she sings all the time and is hardly ever still. My Mum tells her off all the time - some examples from this week, she flopped down on the sofa - Mum made her stand up and 'sit down properly' she was asked if she wanted a boiled egg, she was standing in front of my mum bouncing up and down and said 'yes please' Mum put her hands on her shoulders and held her down and said 'now say it again'. I said (incredulously) she's already said yes please, but was shot down with 'she has to learn to keep still' Mum constantly tells her to be quiet, sit down, stop doing that etc. I have explained to Mum that this is her personality, she's been energetic, and loud since she was born (she was a hard work baby!) but her response is that she has to learn to be quiet. Does she? AIBU to think this is her personality and I dont want to squash it out of her? Just to add (not boastfully) that she gets excellent school reports, is top in all subject groups, works hard and her teacher says she a great member of the class and makes her laugh every day. She also goes to a drama class every weekend (I started this because she has so much 'extra' energy!) and she gets fantastic reports from there too. No one else has ever told me she's behaved out of order.
My mum has always been vocal about my 'being too soft' and once accused me of 'shaping my whole life around my children - I never did that with you' (don't i know it!)
I've long since accepted that she doesn't agree with my parenting, DH and I are happy with our kids and the way we manage them, but I am worried that she will alienate herself from DD2 who already says that she strict and tells DH all about the 'rules' at her house. I have learnt not to sweat the small stuff with DD2, often tellings off are water off a duck's back and you have to know how to handle her (I think I DO know this and when I need to I can step in effectively) but often Mum will tell her off for something that I would just completely ignore and not engage with, which then makes things awkward and usually makes the behaviour worse and then she's looking at me to deal with it!
It really annoys me that she constantly tells the kids off when I'm there - if I wanted them told off I'd do it myself!! and when I do have to tell them off, she adds her ten pence worth at the end.
I've stopped discussing any behavioral issues with her because she basically blames my parenting.
I feel like I've left it too late to discuss this with her and because we live so far away I'm worried about upsettting her and managing that when we live so far away. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't want this to continue. So, AIBU and what should I do?
Thanks for reading

I lost touch with my grandmother when I was young (family stuff!). I wasn't generally a badly behaved child by any stretch of the imagination but my only memory of her was being scolded, snapped at when I'd been misbehaving, told to be quiet, etc. I know this wasn't all that happened when we were together (she taught me to knit, we used to go for lovely walks together and she had a huge vanity case full of make up and always used to let me put on her red lipstick) but I had to dig deep to remember the nice things just then. My first thoughts of her are always about me not being well behaved enough and it's such a shame. I fear this is where your mum and DD may be headed.

We have similar issues with three year old DD and FIL. Actually there are times when I can see where he is coming from because DD is so full of energy. But the problem is that if you go on at her for every little thing she'll stop listening. She's three after all.

I don't really know what to suggest. We try to go to the park to burn off energy. But apparently this is pondering too... Ha.

Visits at your house when possible?

Pandering

What is appropriate at home is not necessarily OK at someone else's house.Throw wing yourself onto other people's furniture is not OK, aand neither is jumping about the place - it is really unrestful and potentially dangerous. I really can't believe they condone it in school especially at age 8.
As an aside the school really say that your dd is ' top in every subject'? That is an appalling breach of confidentiality about the performance of every other child in the class- they are effectively telling you that their marks were lower than your DDS which is not info they should be sharing

You said you don't want to upset your mum. Problem is, there's one person, who's going to get hurt in whichever scenario - ignoring or tackling her behaviour. And it's best for it to be the adult and not the child.

My dd has just turned 9. My mother is a total bitch to me and so we are taking a break from seeing her. I talk to my dd about grandma in a child friendly way - not slagging her off obvs but dd knows why we aren't seeing grandma right now.

So I'd be saying to your dd2 that grandma is a bit strict and she loves dd2 all the same. I'd also explain grandma finds the bouncing around and the high energy a bit much, which is why she always seems to be telling her off and not dd1 as she has a calmer personality. That it isn't personal and doesn't mean she loves one more than the other. Then I'd ask is dd2 is ok to go along with how grandma is with her or what does she need from you?

I'd also tell grandma about the disparity, how it is affecting her and what dd2 feels about her. Because odds on, she's got a lot to say.

I also like the barbed comments. Not good at them myself being a child of a narcissist.

don't want to read and run - but we have the same over here. currently on long holiday staying with my family and my mum tells my 3-year old off - my sister and my dad do it too - it is very annoying and we are trying our best to keep my daughter out of their way. My 11 month old son is 'the good one' - don't even know what this means considering he only just learnt to walk and can only babble! We are considering leaving early to go home to London - its a shame really, we only see them once a year.

Good luck OP.

I would agree that it will be a terrible shame (for both your Mum and your daughter) if your daughter's prevailing memories of her Grandma end up being nagged at and told off or feeling uncomfortable/constrained in her home.

Having said that, based on the examples you've given, I don't really see that she's 'parenting over the top of you'. Asking your daughter to sit more carefully in a chair and stop jumping up and down whilst she's talking to her seems perfectly reasonable to me. I'm not a strict parent and totally agree with a 'pick your battles' approach, but it's her house, her furniture and she was the one talking to your daughter. 8 years old is old enough to understand that different types of behaviour are accepted in different contexts. To be honest I think you were a little unhelpful by undermining her! (I also think it's pretty rude to jump up and down whilst someone is asking you what you'd like for lunch....).

schokolade
She's 3. At 3/4/5/6, it's all about tiring kids out and making sure they go to bed and sleep. And as for pandering. Not going to the park is pandering to him, isn't it?

midnight - I agree, run.

Yes I have this too.My dd's are 11 and 10. Dd2 in particular struggles sometimes with being neat and tidy-she has always been that kid covered in muck and generally clumsy but happy go lucky. she does none of it on purpose.My mum does not stop nagging her. It's drives me up the wall (probably more so that dd, who mostly ignores it, but does get upset sometimes).

I then go on the defensive the other way and don't tell her off when she has done something tell-off-able in my Mums presence which is poor of me possibly but I don't want to give any power to my mums behaviour.

It's getting to the point where it's exhausting to be with my Mum-I'm always on eggshells waiting for the next thing to come up-and so we see her less which is a shame.

I've tried gently talking to my mum but she gets hyper defensive and has never in living memory admitted she is wrong about anything so I was on a hiding to nothing and just ended up more angry myself... and so we go round.

OP YANBU your Mum is. I was that bouncing lively kid, constantly getting squashed down by my Aunt mostly, but other relative joined in. We lived near them.
Don't let them do it, it changes who you are as a child. I was anxious and embarrassed of being me around them. The anxiety never left and I find my whole life if I missed/didn't hear what someone said, it feels like I did when I was a child being admonished for being a normal happy child.
Just because she likes all children to be quiet and move slowly doesn't mean they will all do that, it's Dd2's personality she's criticizing.

You cant not say anything. Dd''s arent hers to parent they are your children and you do a fine job by the sounds of it. Tell dm to back off

My brother had this with my mum a little bit. In the end he snapped at her a few times to back off, he was the parent in the heat of the moment and then speak about t later. My mum has got so much better.

Someoth the boiled egg incident you say to your mum "Mum, stop it, I do not appreciate your involvement, you are not the parent here". Then turn to DD, big smile and ask her how she wants her egg or something to move on.

The. Later you sit down and say she's at risk of aloanting you and DD and she needs to leave the judgement of when to disaplin or not to you. If she can't, you will have to limit her visits to weekends only.

The above doesn't really work if you are using her for child care tho

Throw wing yourself onto other people's furniture is not OK, aand neither is jumping about the place - it is really unrestful and potentially dangerous.

Well it was their own home, so if the OP is happy about the furniture.

If it was at granny's house it's ok for granny to say "we sit down carefully on granny's furnitire" but making her get up and sit back down again is just petty.

And to in the context of comstanty getting at her.

I find constant bouncing around annoying too, but I also find it annoying when DO paces on the phone. Some people just have a need to keep moving all the time. Also ADHD often goes undiagnosed in bright girls for the very reason, they feel shit about themselves and work hard to conform to the gentle social norm.

Am a bit bemused at the posters pursing their lips at an 8yo flopping down on a sofa (because of the 'stress on the sofa'?) and bouncing up and down at her grandmother's house

There's a danger in repressing kids' positive, non-damaging (and 'stress on a sofa' due to one flop doesn't count) exuberance, especially girls' (it feeds straight into the whole 'ladylike' thing), and especially if there are explicit or implicit comparisons with another child going on. But the grandmother should by all means carry on if she wants her gd to think of her as a strict old lady she has to behave perfectly and formally around.

Tell your mother, 'Dm, I know you don't like dd's exuberance, but she does it because she feels at home here. If that's important to you, you need to cut her a little more slack. If it's more important to you that she behaves in the way you consider appropriate, feel free to carry on disciplining her, and I'll explain to her that that's your priority.'

Agree about getting her to come to yours instead for the week. It changes the dynamic to be on your own turf.

That is an appalling breach of confidentiality about the performance of every other child in the class- they are effectively telling you that their marks were lower than your DDS which is not info they should be sharing

That's a bit OTT, I'd unclench if I were you. What happens if it was her daughter that told her the results?! My child will come home after a test and say, "I got 10/10 on spellings and 10/10 on my maths test" and he tells me this weekly. This isn't him saying he's the highest in the class but by my own powers, even I can work out that it's the highest he can get.

At parents evening (4 a year) with the last one being before the start of Summer hols, his Teacher said, "he has consistently achieved full marks in the weekly tests and alongside getting full marks in his set tests which puts him the top section of class"

No confidentiality has been broken. I've no idea where his friends are coming, he can't remember and no one is suffering because of it.

Top of the class has always meant in our primary, that you are learning in the higher groups as opposed to middle/lower groups. It doesn't signify they are the highest achieving child in that class.

Saying nothing = your mum bullying you and your child = your child coming last.

Your children sound delightful. Your mum sounds awful. Sorry.

I have similar issues when we go to stay with my Dad.
It's rather irritating.
DS1 has always been "good" and very little trouble, DS2 is quite different and can be quite hard to handle.
Dad has made it quite clear that he prefers DS1 and doesn't like DS2's behaviour.
The last trip back to the UK was possibly the first one since DS2 was mobile that Dad hasn't opined how sorry he feels for me, he sees how much I have to deal with, and isn't he hard work .
And it was also the first time I told Dad that I know I do things differently, and I know that DS2 isn't the perfect model of behaviour, but I do know how to handle him, it just isn't the way Dad would do it - it takes a little more time, and some negotiation, but I still always "win" in the end. And he's still a lovely, engaging boy, who just happens to have a stubborn streak a mile wide (bit like Dad, really...) and isn't similar to his brother! Hoping that Dad sorts his head out around it now.

I have found it extremely anxiety-inducing, the last 3 or 4 visits back to the UK, because of this situation but I think now we have reached an understanding. I bloody hope so anyway!

I have two DD's and like yours DD2 is quiet and DD1 is outgoing and exuberant. The exuberant bouncy one has managed to make to age 25 without exerting any long term damage to furniture or herself. She also has loads friends and a great job. I, like you OP, tended to steer her into activities which made the most of her natural exuberance (dance/drama) which she loved. She is also the most fun to be around (DD2 is lovely to be around in a much calmer way). Your DM needs to not quash your DD's enthusiasm for life.

YANBU! Your children sound lovely, and nothing that they are doing is inappropriate or rude or in any way offensive.

I think you just need to have a short word with your Mum: "Mum. You and I disagree about parenting. You did it your way with me, now it's my turn to do it my way. Please don't discipline my children in front of me: I will decide in my own house what behaviour is or is not suitable." If she argues, just tell her ideas on parenting have changed in the last 30 years and her methods would now be widely viewed as authoritarian and inappropriate. Introducing the passing of time gets around you having to have a head-to-head on whose parenting is better. Finally, you can say that she risks alienating your daughters and that you want them to have a good relationship going forward, which means recognising a rather looser and more confident way for girls to be in the world than prevailed when we were growing up.

Have a heart to heart with her. Tell her it was very difficult growing up with the constant negativity and you see her being very negative towards dd2 now. Dd2 has noticed and doesn't enjoy being with you. Can you back off'

I wonder if she'd be so quick to harp on at a boy like that?

My parents were like this with me and it's only much later as an adult that I've been able to feel at home in my own skin again. It's miserable to be always top much, too loud, too whatever, when actually you're just being yourself, just not the self that the adult caring for wanted.

Eeeeh, you don't want to say anything to your mum because you don't want to hurt her feelings but your daughters feelings are being hurt by that decision. Shouldn't your daughter be your priority in this case?