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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset/annoyed that my Mum appears to be parenting over the top of me?

101 replies

Toastytoad · 13/08/2017 21:44

Hi all, will do my best to keep this short...
As a bit of background I have 2 DD's aged 10 and 8.
We live about 400 miles from my Mum so visits tend to be for a week or so, this week has been one of those times. I love seeing my mum but there is one thing that drives me mad and I'm not sure if IABU?
My mum was pretty strict when I was growing up and I hated it TBH. I am much more relaxed. My kids have had a routine since they were a few weeks old, go to bed at a reasonable hour, don't fuss, sit at the table with DH and I for meals, are polite and do what they are asked (most of the time) both have good school reports and have never been in trouble - I think that's enough. DH and I are both pretty light hearted and have a laugh and joke a lot of the time, we sing silly songs and mess about.
Anyway... My mum basically tells the kids off the whole time we're there. DD1 is quiet and sensible and quite shy, my mum identifies with this and generally enjoys her company. DD2 is noisy, silly, funny etc she sings all the time and is hardly ever still. My Mum tells her off all the time - some examples from this week, she flopped down on the sofa - Mum made her stand up and 'sit down properly' she was asked if she wanted a boiled egg, she was standing in front of my mum bouncing up and down and said 'yes please' Mum put her hands on her shoulders and held her down and said 'now say it again'. I said (incredulously) she's already said yes please, but was shot down with 'she has to learn to keep still' Mum constantly tells her to be quiet, sit down, stop doing that etc. I have explained to Mum that this is her personality, she's been energetic, and loud since she was born (she was a hard work baby!) but her response is that she has to learn to be quiet. Does she? AIBU to think this is her personality and I dont want to squash it out of her? Just to add (not boastfully) that she gets excellent school reports, is top in all subject groups, works hard and her teacher says she a great member of the class and makes her laugh every day. She also goes to a drama class every weekend (I started this because she has so much 'extra' energy!) and she gets fantastic reports from there too. No one else has ever told me she's behaved out of order.
My mum has always been vocal about my 'being too soft' and once accused me of 'shaping my whole life around my children - I never did that with you' (don't i know it!)
I've long since accepted that she doesn't agree with my parenting, DH and I are happy with our kids and the way we manage them, but I am worried that she will alienate herself from DD2 who already says that she strict and tells DH all about the 'rules' at her house. I have learnt not to sweat the small stuff with DD2, often tellings off are water off a duck's back and you have to know how to handle her (I think I DO know this and when I need to I can step in effectively) but often Mum will tell her off for something that I would just completely ignore and not engage with, which then makes things awkward and usually makes the behaviour worse and then she's looking at me to deal with it!
It really annoys me that she constantly tells the kids off when I'm there - if I wanted them told off I'd do it myself!! and when I do have to tell them off, she adds her ten pence worth at the end.
I've stopped discussing any behavioral issues with her because she basically blames my parenting.
I feel like I've left it too late to discuss this with her and because we live so far away I'm worried about upsettting her and managing that when we live so far away. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't want this to continue. So, AIBU and what should I do?
Thanks for reading

OP posts:
early30smum · 13/08/2017 21:48

Your child, your rules, and both your DDs sound lovely. My mother is the same with my DD and it's awful. I haven't learnt what to do yet as if I say 'she's my child, I'll deal with her thanks' or a more polite version she gets very cross. Worse still, she clearly prefers my DS who is not as 'lively' as DD. I feel for you OP.

StepAwayFromCake · 13/08/2017 21:58

Your dm obviously has not read the Granny Rules:

to be upset/annoyed that my Mum appears to be parenting over the top of me?
StepAwayFromCake · 13/08/2017 21:59

That's a serious post BTW.

user1471456357 · 13/08/2017 22:07

She's in the wrong really, but what can you do about it that won't cause issue, it sounds like it will end in a falling out if you confront her about it.

NancyJoan · 13/08/2017 22:12

You have to say something. You just have to. If she goes off at the deep end, then so be it.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 13/08/2017 22:23

Your mum adding her opinion when you are telling them off is unreasonable but stepping in because you are by your own admission ignoring her behaviour and have learnt not to sweat the small stuff with DD2 is fair enough, you are at her house for a week, that's a long time for your mum to put up with it.

I would have reacted the same as your mum in both the situations you've described, and I'm generally not strict. Flopping into seats is damaging to the seat over time and can end up in bumped heads etc - I tell kids off at school for doing it in the reading corner all the time, as do all the other staff. Bouncing up and down when someone is talking to you is rude. If your daughter is getting good reports at school she must know there is a time and place for bouncing, silliness, being loud etc. She tells your DH about the rules at your mums house so she obviously knows that they are different to at home, when she's at your mums she needs to be respecting your mums rules.

emmyrose2000 · 13/08/2017 23:53

Your mum is out of line.

Alancarr · 13/08/2017 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenTulips · 14/08/2017 00:10

Another teacher wanting children to behave like adults!

Kids are allowed to be kids! If they bump heads they learn, natural consequences

Bouncing up and doen happily? Where's the harm? It's not rude!

Kids don't come in one size fits all, they are all different and need to be allowed to be different notnplaved in a box.

Your mum will reap what she sows

CorbynsBumFlannel · 14/08/2017 00:21

You need to parent over her. You are the parent! She is over ruling you because you allow it. If she tries to make your dd answer something again because she isn't still tell dd she doesn't have to. If your dm persists you need to tell her that in your house your children are allowed to behave like children and if she continues to tell your dd2 off constantly she is going to end up disliking her.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 14/08/2017 00:39

Yes she is out of line. She's not going to have much of a relationship with your DD2 in the future if she keeps it up.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 14/08/2017 01:10

Bouncing up and down when someone is talking to you is rude ????? When ? How ? Why?
Because it means you aren't paying attention, same as not making eye contact, or not looking up from your phone is rude.

Another teacher wanting children to behave like adults!
Or you know, wanting them to learn to respect other people and their property. you might not care if your child bumps their head, but what about the other people they bump into on the sofa? the ones that have already learned that lesson and actually don't need your child landing on them. You might not care about the extra stress it puts on the sofa either and when it's your house and your sofa that's fine, doesn't mean other people have to have the same rules. I'm not asking kids to behave like adults, just to recognise that there are times they need to behave.

Cocklodger · 14/08/2017 01:23

I would be incredibly worried about your DD doing this. I don't think it's rude or anything like that but it's very unsafe. Especially if she will jump at the thought of a boiled egg, she likely jumps at a lot of things, she could do herself harm, fall down stairs, hit people accidentally, trip, land on something, or do what I did as a child and jump into a pan of hot water my mum was carrying and well... ouch is all I'm saying.

FrLukeDuke · 14/08/2017 01:24

Your kids sound lovely, borne out by the reports they get at school. You sound like you've got the balance right, unlike your over critical mum. If you were overly lax, it would probably be reflected in their behaviour at school, which it isn't

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2017 02:31

Your daughter is going to grow up hating her grandmother. How sad. YANBU.

BenLui · 14/08/2017 02:34

Your house, your rules.

You need to speak to your Mum, kindly but firmly.

EveningShadows · 14/08/2017 02:37

She sounds exactly like my DS2, and we have the exact same problems of over-strict GPs, except our problem is FIL.

We haven't found a solution yet, despite DH talking to him, which doesn't seem to be working Sad.

DS2 already recognises that DS1 is his grandad's favourite and that's very sad.

Sprinklestar · 14/08/2017 03:42

I came on here about to write exactly the same kind of thing! My two are slightly younger and we live abroad but I currently have DM staying. She was also strict when we were kids and we haven't turned out badly, but by the same token, I'm more of a 'pick your battles' kind of parent. She jumps in when I've said something to them (e.g. if I tell one of the kids to pick something up, they've barely had chance to breathe before she's off with, 'What did Mummy just tell you to do?'... And don't get me started on the unsolicited advice! It's so tricky as what she categorically fails to see is that the dynamic is different when she is here and some of the behaviours she doesn't like are much worse - likely caused by the fact the kids can't do anything right!!! It's infuriating. I don't know what the answer is, OP. She's old school and nothing will change that. She's an ex teacher and thinks she knows best. On the other hand, I'm the parent and know them better than anyone. Agree totally re knowing how to 'handle' a child in a certain way and/or situation. I'm also a trained teacher so it's not like her knowledge of children/theory top trumps mine either!!! I'm biting my tongue so far but I'm also worried that if she catches me on the wrong day/at the wrong moment I'm going to bite her head off. She doesn't even realize she's doing it, that's the thing. To her, she honestly thinks she's doing a good thing and sharing the benefit of her experience. In reality, she's coming across as an annoying, interfering old stick in the mud and the children are starting to dislike her. Aarrgghh!

DeadGood · 14/08/2017 03:54

Christ this sounds tiresome.
This is probably terrible advice. But I think I would be tempted to dent your mother's confidence a little. She clearly thinks she is an exemplar of parenthood - and you disagree. Your opinion of your childhood is valid too - you were there! So start making that opinion known.
You know that bit in your post where you say "don't I know it!". Could you say something like that in real life? Or slip in a few passive agressive little "yes luckily we don't do that sort of thing any more! Still, you tried your best" barbs?
I know it's game playing and horrible, but I suspect if you have a serious "let's talk about this" chat, she will dismiss you. Whereas if you come to it from a place of supreme confidence, maybe the message will get through?

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 14/08/2017 04:03

BenLui but it's the mum's house. So by your logic DD2 must abide by her rules. That's the trouble with the 'your house, your rules' thing.

(And I'm not actually saying I think DD2 was wrong - just that you have to be careful which maxims you adopt, they can backfire.)

AngeloMysterioso · 14/08/2017 04:16

This isn't any kind of long term solution, but perhaps your DM could come and visit you from now on, instead of all of you going to her? She may be less inclined to throw her weight around when she's not in her own home.

StayCloseToMe · 14/08/2017 05:07

See I have the opposite problem. I have a 2.5 year old and I'm (gently) trying to instil a bit of discipline in her. Like all toddlers she's wilful, disobedient and has selective hearing.

If I give her a mild telling off in my mums presence, I get "oh no, don't tell her off". Or if I remind her to say please and thank you, "oh she doesn't need to do that in this house"

Coming from a good place but it's very annoying. But she's so good to the kids that I just smile through it. I sympathise, OP, I dunno what the answer is.

TooGood2BeFalse · 14/08/2017 06:15

How old are your girls OP?

TooGood2BeFalse · 14/08/2017 06:15

Oops, sorry I see you said 8 and 10.YANBU, your mother is.

Believeitornot · 14/08/2017 06:21

Like all toddlers she's wilful, disobedient and has selective hearing

Or she's just a toddler.

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